I haven't posted much lately - it always seems as if my mind's been quite jumbled and my standpoint a little ambivalent to create a strong theme for a blog entry, but this morning it felt right to at least document that.
The time around Christmas has been full of blessing, as ever. My God is good. From sweet mugs of liquorice tea to a lovely night at Winter ball; from Phil Wickham's Christmas album to beautiful frosty mornings; from pretty knitted socks to the lovely people I am lucky enough to spend time with, I have so much to be thankful for...
Christmas day itself was rather special as well...after a disasterous Christmas Eve when I cried every five minutes at the most ridiculous things and worried my parents horribly,I wasn't holding out much hope to be any use with the worship for Christmas day... Proved wrong again by my God who does immeasurably more, I rocked out that tambourine and had an absolute ball singing praise to my amazing God...it was a special morning. I really do love my church family!
Christmas dinner was, of course, a big challenge. But I completed my goal of eating as much of it as I could (at least 2/3 of this HUGE portion) and munching on some Christmas chocolates as well, with no exercise or being sick. It was stressful and I was pretty panicky but I'm proud of myself. It makes me realise how well I could do if I put my determination fully into something more positive...
I just got back from a lovely two days staying up in Teesside with my boyfriend and his family. It was sooo nice but I need to get unpacking now and also get stuck into the essays I've been avoiding!
This is hard. I so desperately want to be better - I don't
want to hate myself for eating anything – however tiny or healthy, or be
constantly number-crunching in my mind to the extent that I'm not fully present
in my daily life...I don’t want how I see myself be determined by the verdict
of the scales each morning; I don’t want to sit with my head down a toilet
having a panic attack because I ‘ate too much’. I don't want to force myself to
miss social events to be alone in my room and do jumping jacks so long I get
carpet burns on the soles of my feet, or ‘have to’ keep running even though everything
hurts and I have blurred vision and a spinning head.
. My BMI is still by some criteria technically in the
healthy weight range. But I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. And my
eating disorder is impacting a lot on my health at this weight – so I hate to
imagine what it would be like at an ‘unhealthy’ one. In the last week, I’ve
thrown up blood; been horribly dizzy and nauseous; had palpitations and panic
attacks; fainted (having eaten a perfectly healthy amount that day); had a
constant headache and have just felt exhausted in every way. I don’t want to be
like this anymore.
But I keep lying to myself. Saying ‘you can really recover
when you’re sick enough to recover’; ’when you’re thin enough to recover’; ‘when
you get to x-weight’; ‘when you beat your lowest weight by enough’; ‘when you can see another rib; and another’… it
never ends. I’m realising that I’ll never be ‘thin enough’…and even if it was
it’d just have to be a longer and longer road to recovery when I actually start…because
here’s the thing:
With an eating disorder there are two options: recovery or
death. You can be stuck in the in between misery of just going through the
motions of life with it for a while, but ultimately you either recover or die...
I’m pretty sure which option I want to pick!!
I love life. I love God and my family and my friends. I love
church and worshipping my amazing God, and I love Autumn (and Spring, Summer
and Winter!). I want that John 10:10
life back. I need to stop being so ambivalent and ultimately choose recovery. It’s so hard, but I need to start making better decisions. I
hope this letter can motivate me to make those decisions…
Although I've been struggling quite a bit with food and exercise-related things the past couple of weeks, I had an absolutely LOVELY bonfire weekend at home last weekend: I saw my church family, got to lead worship again, bought a cute new onesie, had a breakfast date with my mum, saw my parents and had a mini-induction to the job I'll be doing at christmas when I'm home (cleaning the golf club). It was beautiful:
However, I ate so much. It probably logically was a really normal amount, but because of the way I've been eating at uni lately (having smaller meals more frequently each day and tending to have the 'safe' option and do it all myself), it was really scary to have 'big' meals with a starter and main course with side dishes etc - and to not be in control of preparing them. I was so caught up in the emotion of seeing everyone that I managed fine at the time, but had a bit of a panic on the train home and have been struggling more since...
But this morning I decided I was going to create a beautiful day.
I don't like Thursdays. We have a symposium most Thursday mornings (essentially 4 lectures back to back without a break), and today we even had an extra lecture scheduled for after the symposium: 9am-1pm in a lecture theatre hearing about cancer isn't the most fun, but this morning I made the conscious decision to make today a good one. How?
1) I prayed. My alarm was set for early for extra time but I pressed snooze too much (silly dozy Anna is a bit selfish with her sleep apparently!) and only managed to get up about 15 minutes early. But I had a flick through my Bible and took the time to commit the day to God in prayer; to tell Him that I couldn't do it in my own strength but that I wanted to glorify Him today - and would He be able to help me?
2) I made a wholesome, healthy breakfast the night before. No decision anxiety required; no portion panic to begin the day - I just took my glass of muesli and yummy additions out of the fridge and sat down to eat it.
3) I reminded myself of what I was doing. As I sat in lecture, I had a verse that had been stalking me on social networking this morning (think Romans 12:12 was the youversion verse of the day!) written on my hand during the lectures as a constant reminder...
...and the results were brilliant! I was able to listen and stay pretty much focused the whole way through the (slightly painful) morning of lectures - which is unheard of for me in a symposium! Usually I've given up trying to understand it an hour in!
also, little unexpected blessings made me happy - Alice returned to me my orange pen I thought I'd lost. Not a big deal to most people, but I love my colour schemes (to a worryingly OCD extent, but that's a different story) so it got rid of some anxiety that's been floating around my notes for the past week or so.
I'm still messing up, of course. Today I've done lots of things I probably shouldn't - calorie counting, body checking and loads more things. But I'm pretty happy with how the day's going: I feel like I've created it beautifully within my constraints: God is good and I am so blessed.
Recovering from an eating disorder is like running up a sand dune: the
moment you stop, you begin to slip backwards. And you know that you should
want to be at the top because the tide's coming in - the top of the
sand dune, despite the fact that you can't see over the crest, represents
safety and future - it's where your family and your friends are and
they're calling down to you to keep running upwards...
...but you're so tired. The sand keeps shifting and it seems like the easiest thing to sit down and just let yourself slide. And when you look down at the beach, it looks so appealing. Despite the danger, it's so tempting and it seems beautiful. Maybe if you just slide down onto the beach, you can get a better run up? Maybe if you're in enough danger the coastguards will come and rescue you?...because you don't think you can get up the sand dune on your own....
(So when I thought of this, I didn't even consider 'Footprints in the Sand'.
No coincidence, in my opinion...because God is good.
Wow, things have changed a lot since my last post!
I've properly decided on my church here - I'm going to St Peter's, which
is the HTB plant...initially I felt really guilty about doing the
standard 'going to an amazing megachurch' thing, but I felt so drawn to
it and actually I've realized it's not like that at all. It's not too
big, very loving and the vision it has for serving the community is so
good - and, although the worship and teaching is outstanding, I don't
feel like I'm just 'taking in' as opposed to serving as well. On a
Sunday morning I've started working with the 0-1 year olds - the service
starts with kids' songs and then the parents drop their children at
their various groups so they can enjoy the service without worrying:it's quite busy given that most of the babies are 6 months or younger!
They're ridiculously cute though, and I'm getting reused to the
attractiveness of baby sick and changing nappies!
Then on Sunday
evenings we have the student service - it's great and I love the
worship! It's so nice to be regularly worshipping without the pressure
of leading and I find it's really easy for me to connect with God there.
I've also made some amazing friends at church and I'm already really
close to one girl in particular. Oh, we also have team nights on a
Tuesday evening which are pretty much small groups for students...still
getting used to being in the small groups as opposed to leading them
(and I'm still working on being brave enough to add to the discussion
much!) but it's great for fellowship and we have worship and prayer
times as well.
I'm actually feeling really close to God at the moment - I got a book from a second hand stall this weekend and I'm starting the day using it as a prayer tool and to focus me which is amazing so far..
In terms of uni, things are still going generally well. It's quite up and down - some days I sit in lectures thinking 'oh my goodness, why am I here? I don't have a clue what this lecturer's even talking about!'
but then other days I feel really engaged and surprisingly capable...I
think that's probably what it's like for everyone so I'm not too
worried! I had an interesting dissection session on Friday - I was much
more comfortable with the whole thing than the first session, and
managed to improve my perspective with the fact that I was cutting into
somebody (the first time I was so scared of doing it wrong and damaging
the cadaver that I didn't want to try and just watched for a lot of it).
It actually made me feel so close to God - we opened up the thoracic
cage and looked at all the intercostal muscles and tissues/blood vessels
and it was quite hard to imagine how anyone who was seeing all of that
could believe that it had all just been created through accidental
evolution! I have to admit though that remembering the noise cutting
through a rib made still makes me shudder: don't think I'll be heading
for orthopaedic surgery anytime soon...
I'm quite overwhelmed by work at
the moment in terms of keeping on top of lecture notes and essays etc
but I'm managing to maintain an A in everything we've had marked so far
which is a good sign. Last night was horrible though - I got really panicky and had to go for a walk to calm down - but the fact that I was able to know when to stop trying to work and to take time out is a positive sign in itself...
Socially, I'm managing to get the balance with
flatmates/coursemates/church friends as far as I can tell - so many
lovely people here and I'm enjoying getting to know them all. I'm going
to Medical CU on Monday evenings which is like a Bible study where we
can connect with other Christian medics (and get tips from those who are
further on in the course!), and girls' football on Friday nights, so
I've met lots of new people through those as well.
It was also so
amazing to have Maddy and Shereen staying this weekend - I took them on a
tour of Brighton and to a restaurant I discovered and love (an organic
buffet place with lots of delicious vegetables and different salads/meat
dishes) and we had nice chilled-out nights in catching up etc. They
came to church with me on Sunday morning and absolutely loved it so it
made me even more certain of my choice!
In terms of food, things have been a bit
mixed lately, but I'm trying to be sensible with it all. I managed to
dodge getting my weight and height measured when I registered with the
GP here as well, although it was very tempting to 'have to find out' (I
just estimated on the form and ticked a box saying it was totally recent
and accurate, which was a bit of a white lie but the right decision I
think :p). I'm also very blessed in that both of the other girls in my
flat eat very substantial meals and happily snack on things like ice
cream and pizza - I know I'd find it a lot harder if I felt like I was
eating more than other people (although I am trying not to compare
things like that) so I'm so thankful for their relaxed attitude to food.
Joanna, who I've got really close to at church, also now knows that I
have some issues with food and things (not really details, but we're
comfortable enough with each other to be honest about struggles which is
good!) which is a big step in terms of some accountability and support
etc. It's so nice having a bit of back up at church when I want to turn
down food I'm not comfortable with because St Peter's is super keen on
morning service pastries and evening service pizza and chocolate...and
it's a win/win situation for the two of us because Jo is more than happy
to eat what I don't want! So it's been quite hard over the past few
weeks but it's amazing to see how blessed I am by the people around me
even in the way they model a healthier attitude to eating. I just need to stay motivated and try not to restrict because I find it so tempting when I'm so in control of my meals!
This weekend has been mixed,but good! On Friday night, we went out as a flat and it was SO much fun –
we really got to know each other better and had lots of fun.
Today was fairly disastrous in some ways – I went to a
church where I didn’t really feel I fitted in (CCK – it was a great church, but
just not right for me) this morning, then got hopelessly lost afterwards and
ended up wandering in the freezing cold rain looking for a bus…so arrived home
cold, wet and not feeling well. I had a (pretty restrictive) lunch, then purged
a while later and spent way too long indulging my negative thought patterns.
However, I really enjoyed the evening service at St Peters*
and it was lovely to feel more at home there…the worship was amazing and the
teaching was also so valuable. However, I knew we were having pizza as students
after the service so anxiety surrounding that meant I wasn’t fully present in a
lot of the service – which made me so frustrated with myself and caused a bit
of a vicious cycle.
When I got home though was when my day was really made – my
flatmates are all atheists and pretty cynical about my faith (not in a horrible
way – they’re just not particularly open to it), but we were chatting this
evening and somehow got onto the topic of worship…and I played them some Soul
Survivor and Hillsong to show them how my worship music actually is. They were
SO surprised and thought it was amazing – their faces when I put on ‘we are the
free’ were priceless. Honestly, I feel like it made a big impression on them. They even said they’d like to come to church
with me sometime!
God is so good. He’s powerful; and works through our bad
days and messy moments to find ways for us to reach other people with His love.
I’m so humbled by each different way He uses me and works in my life.
* The whole ‘student group’ thing at churches here makes me
a bit uncomfortable to be honest… It might just be because there is such a huge
student population in Brighton, and because I’m not used to being in a city like
that, but the way things work here seems to be that students go to the evening
services and families go to the morning- when I’ve been to churches in the morning I’ve felt very much
shepherded towards the evening….
I don’t know if I’m just being all idealistic, but my view
of what church is, is people of all ages, in all walks of life coming together
in worship to our one God. I get that different groups of people will be suited
to different times but segregating off the students from the families etc feels
a bit wrong for me…I’m still working
out what I think – but church here is awesome!
So far, I really like uni! It’s obviously not without its
challenges, but the change is all exciting and there are so many genuinely nice
people I’ve been able to get to know, and great new experiences to have.
Fresher’s Week is actually a lot of fun when I drink as much as I want to and
balance the medic events with seeing my flatmates…also the bars and clubs in
Brighton are in such a beautiful position – right on the beach front.
I went to a church on Sunday called St Peters Brighton (the
HTB plant). I was quite proud to make it because I hadn’t even found my
bearings on campus at that point – let alone in Brighton itself, but I asked in
the CU facebook group and found the right bus and stop to get off at. It was
really great there – lively worship and so many lovely people…I even went for
(free!) lunch afterwards with some of the students and have been keeping in
touch with two who I got on really well with. I’m even going for coffee with
one of them on Friday which will be really nice…
Eatings’s been going really well! I’ve been keeping quite
safe with healthy choices but making sure I eat at fairly set times and have bought
snacks I’m happy with if I get hungry between meals… I’m really enjoying the fact that no one here
has any reason to take any interest in what I eat. I know that could be a bad
thing in terms of accountability, but it takes away a lot of pressure – like if
a flatmate offers me a chocolate, I can know they’re just sharing as opposed to
worrying whether or not it’s a test of my response…and that means I can make a
decision based on what I actually want as opposed to feeling manipulated by
what I perceive as being their judgements. So it’s actually working as a really
freeing situation at the moment and I intend to keep it that way!
Being here has been especially triggering at times in terms
of making me want to lose weight – there are so many (generally tall/super
slim) people to compare myself to, and everything’s knocked off balance, so I’m
struggling in terms of thoughts, but trying to stay logical and working hard at
not letting any of it translate into behaviour patterns. When I’ve had a
thought about needing to lose weight/having eaten too much/negative body stuff
etc, I’ve just been mentally saying ‘well I’m going to feel like this/have
these thoughts, but actually X/Y/Z prove that I’m not being logical’. It sounds
a bit crazy but it’s working for me at the moment so I’m going with it!
I’ve wanted to be sick quite a lot too (post mealtimes is a
challenge without the ‘excuse’ of accountability for having eaten), but the
whole ‘healthy September’ thing is working pretty well so I’ve been able to
convince myself not to ‘mess up’ my ‘good month’ by allowing myself to do it.
It’s rewarding being able to channel the same determination in terms of being
competitive with myself that made me so desperate to keep losing weight into
something productive and positive…
Today was the BSMS Fresher’s Fair so I ordered my
stethoscope (in ‘Caribbean blue’ which was a nice shade of turquoise!) and
bought some (seriously hefty!)textbooks,
as well as signing up for societies (women’s football, yay!). I got all excited
about getting properly into studying again - really can’t wait to dive into
lectures and exercise those parts of my brain again…and of course use all my
pretty-coloured highlighters to colour-code notes!
I'm really loving my guitar at the moment - I'm playing it so much and finding it very healing and fun...God is so amazing!
I'm in Spain at the moment, on holiday with my parents as a chance to relax and spend a bit of time with them before I go to uni. it's lovely to actually see them, but also a HUGE challenge. This is the first time I've been away with my parents since before my eating disorder began...and I'm so unused to having my food so totally in their control...
There are also none of my safe foods or brands around; we're eating pretty much all of our meals out (only one meal in the past 3 days has been at home); I don't know any of the restaurants and all the menus are in Spanish so I never really know what I'm ordering anyway. It's quite scary - and I am struggling. I'll be honest and say it's very, very hard. My anxiety is high a lot of the time and I'm stretched to the limit on appearing okay with everything.
But...God is so present in this holiday. Every time I reach that point at which I honestly don't think I can cope, He blesses me. He brings me encouragement in different way...a cute facebook message from a friend; an unexpected half hour to myself to just chill and read; a breakfast cafe that does fruit and yoghurt! (okay, it was far from my 'safe yoghurt' - so thick I could barely spoon it out, but it was still a blessing and very yummy...)
I also just discovered and downloaded an amazing new worship album by Christy Nockels. And I'm currently on the terrace, listening to 'Already All I Need' on repeat and getting a bit teary eyed...because it's so true, and it's so appropriate. Already All I Need 'Asking where You are, Lord. Wondering where You’ve been. Is like
standing in a hurricane, trying to find the wind. And hoping for Your
mercy to meet me where I am. Is forgetting that Your thoughts for me,
outnumber the sand. You filled the sun with morning light. You bid the
moon to lead the night. You clothe the lilies bright and beautiful.
You’re already all I need. Already everything that I could hope for.
You’re already all I need. You’ve already set me free. Already making
me. More like You. You’re already all I need. Jesus, You’re already all I
need. Walking through this life without Your freedom in my heart. Is
like holding onto shackles that You have torn apart. So remind me of
Your promises. And all that You have done. In this world I will have
trouble. But You have overcome. And every gift that I receive. You
determine just for me. But nothing I desire compares with You. In Your
fullness. You’re my all in all. In Your healing. I’m forever made whole.
In Your freedom. Your love overflows. And carries me. You carry me'
For the rest of this holiday, I will walk in the truth of this song. I'll cling to God in every moment of fear and panic and painful stretching of my abilities to overcome and cope, because He is already all I need.
I thought last year's Summer was crazy. Well, crazy busy took on a new definition this Summer!
I've had an amazing few weeks though. Each holiday deserves its own post, but I know I'll never get around to that so I'll try to summarise a bit now: started off with camping in Devon with Maddy and her family - surfing lots.
Then to MCYC Inters 2, where I was stretched in new ways. I had an amazing group of girls (go the White Knights!) who were such a blessing...they were clingy and loving, and I was so honoured to be able to do my best to teach them more about the God who made them and adores every inch of them.
Highlights were definitely bribing my girls to be quiet at night by singing/playing each room in turn Brooke Fraser songs, and just seeing all of the campers worship. I've never met a group of kids who were so keen to sing - honestly. They were amazing...I'll never forget the way they filled up that rec room with enthusiastic 'oo-oo-oo-oo-ooo' between each verse of 'You're Beautiful'. Wow.
Soul Survivor was next, bringing new challenges and many more blessings. It was definitely hard work - especially still fighting the exhaustion of literally no recuperation time between that and MCYC. Being pastorally responsible for a group at such an emotive and challenging event was draining, but it was also brilliant to be able to see how God was working in the young people. The worship party on the last night was SO much fun as well...I don't think I've ever danced so much in my life, but being surrounded by our young people jumping up and down with enthusiasm for God was a definite energy boost...good times!
One of our young people made a video of our time at Soul which sums things up pretty well!
Next was momentum...Maddy and I stayed on for the weekend after Soul to go to the first half of momentum which was fun as well. We were sooo tired and drained and just a bit stressed out by then, so I don't think we fully appreciated the opportunities we had to learn and grow, but it was good to get the chance to worship in our own space.
I also was so moved by the most amazing talk that Danielle Strickland did on overcoming fear. It was so relevant to me, and I know the notes I took and the insight I gained from it will continue to have an impact on me as I develop and grow.
She focused a lot on 2 Timothy 1:7 "
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline."
Something I found really valuable as well was her point that overcoming cannot just be mind over matter. It has to be a revelation of who God is in our spirit - how truly incredible He is; how much He truly loves us. So true. <3 span="span">
Next up was Day Camp: working at HCBC to run a camp for 6-12 year olds, 8am-6pm each day. We got back from Momentum at 2am on Monday morning, and had to be at Day Camp for 8am so the exhaustion continued...it was a brilliant week though. The kids were a lot younger than the age we generally work with but I loved interacting with the younger ones and found the week so rewarding.
The staff times (morning and evening) were fuelling which was really good. We had worship, a challenging message each morning and prayer times - including prayer circles when we prayed for the people on our left and right, then massage chains as well!
Thursday night of Day Camp was also our leaving party - 5 of us (we 3 interns plus Shereen and Jon) were leaving the youth work, so we had a surprise BBQ and water fight/slide-fest before heading into the main hall, where we were given cards. We also each had a person who did a short talk on us and our gifts/futures etc...Amy did mine and was so lovely. Then we all formed a circle and got prayed for by our friends and young people. Amazing. The family feeling here is just unbelievable - even now, thinking about it makes me well up. How can I be this blessed?!
This post has become epic, and I need to do some tidying and sorting tonight. But wow, what a Summer. It's been very hard at times and exhausting, but I honestly am so, so thankful for the opportunities I've had and the people I've been able to share it with.
there have been lots of endings lately....nights at the beach with our 'Sunday night small groups' youth; last team meeting
but there have also been new beginnings! Meeting Matty's family for the first time last week, when we drove to Stockton-on-Tees to spend time with the people he knows and loves from back home. It was quite a nerve-racking experience but went really well, and we had a lovely day. Also, I've been preparing for uni; getting back into running and enjoying weather that suggests that Summer might actually be on its way!
The combination of endings and beginnings everywhere is leaving me a little uncertain and confused over whether or not I like changes like this...I'm not sure I like endings but new beginnings and all their potential excite me so much.
I get a little bit impatient - wanting to cling to everything of my present and take every last drip of opportunity in the parts of my life I love so much now; but at the same time feeling the need to dive headfirst into the future. But I actually love that combination....it's frustrating at times but just shows me how blessed I really am!
Things aren't always easy, but I am blessed. There's no doubt about that...
I just got back from a lovely holiday in Abersoch - Maddy and I went for a (much needed!) break and had a really nice time, despite the lack of surf meaning we didn't actually get to surf at all because there were never enough waves!
We decorated our tent with fairy lights and had access to the house that John and his family were staying in for showers/a kettle etc..it was the best of both worlds really!
Our mad-busy IMPACT! weekend also went really well! The worship on the walking day float was so much fun - it was amazing to be able to publicly declare our faith, as a band made up of ages 15-19, and sing the modern worship songs that we feel connect us to God. 'Your Name High' was our favourite - Ducky was SO amazing at it on drums that it was such a joy to play so we slotted it in as much as possible on our journey!
I managed to achieve my goals this weekend too, which I'm quite proud of myself for. It wasn't easy at all but having such clear goals and allowing no negotiation with myself meant that I could focus on the things that were really important.
However, I'm really struggling at the moment, having done so well in Abersoch (ate fish and chips/an ice cream as well as my normal healthy breakfasts and salads/sandwiches etc), because I know I've put weight on over the past couple of weeks and it feels unsafe and like things are a bit out of control.
It's so frustrating because I seem incapable of making actual progress sometimes. Since I seriously started tackling recovery since my relapse, there seems to be a bit of a pattern I follow:
struggle and lose weight again
fight really hard to pull everything back on track; tackle fears and challenge myself with food
put on a bit of weight (in the words of my best friend 'look better')
panic and want to go back to restricting
back to step 1
it's so hard because, looking at it like that, it seems that the issue is my motivation for recovery. and that's so not true! I want recovery so much, because to me it means wholeness and being close to God and able to do what He's calling me to do...and there is nothing more important to me than that. Complete surrender is my ultimate goal at the moment. But I will keep offering up my life, and keep trusting in God.
Philippians 2:13'for God is working in you, giving you the desire to obey Him and the power to do what pleases Him'
