immeasurably more

This week has brought some very beautiful weather, which inspired a lovely Saturday lunch time worshipping in the sun, the breaking out of my summer dresses, fire pit and guitar times and a very Spring-like love monday picture...



As of Wednesday, I'm house/dog/catsitting for the next 2-and-a-bit weeks...and I'm very much enjoying the independence and being a dog owner! Marley is a lot of hard work - he seeks attention like a child and literally follows me from room to room (cries outside the bathroom door when I go to the toilet), but he's amazing company and such a comforting presence at the end of my bed at night.

We're having a few jealousy issues when I have to focus on things that aren't him, but getting along great :D.

Living on my own has brought its own challenges - food shopping and cooking for myself, as well as finding time to cook/eat when I'm busy and having no accountability. It's not easy but I'm proud of how I'm doing so far...

In terms of not using ED behaviours, I've carried on doing well! I'm eating very healthily (the idea of nourishing my body with the right foods is very appealing, and I actually love salads etc) but doing my best not to restrict; haven't weighed myself since 9th March and haven't been sick since 17th March... I'm still dealing with lots of thoughts and some serious anxiety (especially the last few days when I've been battling panic attacks a bit again), but I realised the gravity of my achievement with behaviours when Amy was genuinely so proud of me when we met up on Wednesday. I'm proud of myself.

I've got a mantra when I'm tempted to use bad habits: 'this doesn't glorify God, and isn't a part of my life anymore'. In that situation, I remind myself of Romans 12:1..
Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. .
So much motivation to keep going with those up my sleeve...my God is good.

I've journalled every day this week...and it's really not out of obligation which I feel is very important. Things aren't nearly as effective when I'm doing them 'because I should' or 'to try at recovery because I feel guilty if I don't'...I want to be free of this, and working through my thoughts in the form of journalling is really helping.
I'm keeping pushing forward and doing my best to surrender and place God at the centre in this.
because after all, God is him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us (Ephesians 3:20)

work, work and self-care

Love Monday, number 9:


okay, so this week has been absolutely crazy! my contract with the caring company to work 20-25 hours a week somehow turned into my working 40 hours, including 10 hour days without a proper break and being asked to perform tasks I haven't actually been trained in...

using the word 'stressful' would be an understatement but, actually, I'm quite proud of how I've coped this week...my long shifts and stressful experiences with work would have been great excuses to restrict (making time to eat anything was a genuine challenge) but I was sensible and took care of my body in that sense...


and this morning, having done an exhausting few days' routine of getting up at 5am, working through till 5pm then heading to chat and chill/IMPACT! youth group/Rock Solid, I made the decision not to go to WASC so I can spend the time until I start work (doing 2:30pm-11pm today) relaxing and catching up with things like washing and emails... Admittedly, it was very much related to my skype pinkie promise to Maddy that I would try to rest, but it was still ultimately my choice, and I see it as a step forward in terms of self-care.

My bedroom window is open and I can smell Spring flowers. Soon, I'm going to potter downstairs and make some 'dried fruit goo', put some washing on and play my guitar and spend some time with God. I'm thankful for beautiful weather, a house to myself and a lazy morning today. Because, in terms of my recovery, there is absolutely nothing 'lazy' about this morning. It is good, it is needed, and I refuse to feel guilty about it.

sunshine and Brighton

I've just got back from a really good run with Georgie on a beautiful day... We set off the afternoon in the glorious March sunshine and ran through the woods. After a couple of times around the millennium green, we stopped to lie on a bench and take in how beautiful the weather was…

…then we set off and ran some more, then got to a bank where Georgie announced she wanted to do a handstand into a crab…so we stopped amongst the daffodils at the side of a road and started trying it. It was spontaneous and fun; choosing inspiration over function… Much hilarity followed when I decided to try to copy her and flew through the air in ‘the fastest handstand ever’ until I landed unceremoniously flat on my back in the grass. But it was one of those moments I felt fully present, full of joy and just contented. I wasn’t worried about my body or weight or anything – I was just enjoying the Spring sunshine and some acrobatics. These moments are such a big recovery motivator...

This week's recovery challenge from Amy was very, very scary: I had to tell my parents about my ED relapse. They're brilliant parents and would always support me, but I have a tendency to want to protect them, and was completely desperate not to let them know I was struggling again.

I spent days agonising over how to do it and doubting I actually could. Thinking about it logically, Tuesday was the best day to leave them a letter. Knowing that wasn't too much of a comfort though, and I texted Amy saying I couldn't do it several times... Then I found my courage and typed out a confession, leaving it on the hall table before escaping in my car and driving for hours by myself around Northwich. I was so overwhelmed that all I could do was park in a leisure centre car park (late night floodlit football games were going on) and sit in my car, listening to music and crying, trying over and over to surrender how hard this was.


On Thursday, my Mum and I headed down to Brighton to look at the university accommodation and stay with an old friend of hers for 3 days. It was a good trip - a chance to spend some time with mum who I've barely seen lately.


However, it was also a BIG challenge. Food was completely out of my control and I was away from many of my usual coping mechanisms and support system, so it was a real battle at times. I kept a detailed account of food, thoughts and feelings which really helped me to process and not get as overwhelmed as I might otherwise have done...it was hard but I got through.

So at the minute I'm continuing to work through it. Some days are very hard and some are slightly easier, but things are starting to feel better... This quote is absolutely amazing:
'Our weakness is one of our greatest excuses. We may be weak, but God is strong, and He is willing to be our strength' - Joyce Meyer <3

Ups and downs

Yesterday's Monday photo:

Everything has continued to be very mixed in terms of how I'm doing, but I've learned a lot even in the past few days...

On Friday, I was so blessed by being able to help out with the Booth family moving house. It was AMAZING to see 12 or more people from the church family taking time off work; bringing their trailers and cars and cleaning materials to help with the move...it made me so proud, again, to be part of that family where people are self-sacrificial and draw together to help each other out... It was hard work (I did LOTS of lifting and shifting) but a really good day!


Saturday brought my first shift as a care worker...and I LOVED it. It's so rewarding to feel like you're genuinely making a difference to people and their trust and vulnerability is humbling.

It’s also made me so thankful for how able bodied I am. I see these people who are incontinent, bedbound and completely relying on others for things I would totally take for granted like having a drink of water or wiping a running nose… It’s made me realize, too, how precious this body I have is, and how fragile really – the thought of getting old and infirm scares me, so I really do need to take care of this body and keep it as strong and healthy as I can.

This Sunday morning (11th) I led worship, with my guitar, for the first time ever! I cheated by not plugging it in but, still!

We did 'Heart of Worship'; 'Hiding Place'; 'Our God'; 'The Stand' and 'How great'. I started off the first song with a prayer which felt really right and I felt really comfortable saying which bits we were doing and leading etc in a way I wouldn’t have done before getting so much more confident in Africa…it felt very natural!
Also, I really feel like my heart was in the right place with it. Like, I prayed that morning that it really didn’t matter if I even ended up playing/singing and truly meant it - I was pushing out of my comfort zone for God's glory and not my own...and God blessed my inadequate efforts! He really is good. Always.

Onward and upwards...I'm continuing to be blessed by time with our worship group (our second monthly meal was last night and it was fantastic!); recipes from my Dad (e.g. dried fruit goo as I like to call it) and my amazing support network.





Today I have a scary but necessary step to make - tell my parents about my relapse. I've typed them out a letter, and I'm going to leave it for them when I go out this evening. I'm terrified, but determined, and trusting God in this.

p.s It's decision-time for medicine...and I'm confident I'm going to go for it!

for Your glory...

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

This week is challenging but rewarding; hard but exciting. Things with food have been really difficult and there have been lots of tears and 'I can't do this' moments but, at the same time, it's been a big week for me in terms of everything else...

I ended up leading a music practice on Monday...on my guitar as well as singing! It was the first time I'd played plugged into the system ever and was very scary and daunting, but I'm proud of the way my confidence has improved...even if I did rip my poor fingers apart a bit!


Last night, at IMPACT! youth group, I also did a talk for the first time! I started off by testing them on their geography knowledge, spoke a bit about South Africa and focused on God's plans, the rewards of putting our trust in Him and Jeremiah 29:11.

It went really well - the group who never ever listen actually quietly and respectfully listened (even staying quiet during a prayer!) and then clapped at the end...definitely ended yesterday on a high...

A couple of days ago I created a new ipod playlist (called 'Wholeness'), and have as a result been listening to some good music I've forgotten about. One line in 'voice of truth' by Casting Crowns stood out to me...

"the voice of truth says this is for my glory..."

and I'm reminding myself of that daily, as I do things that are difficult. While I'm tackling meals; stepping out of my comfort zone and battling thoughts in my mind...



God, I'm doing all of this for Your glory. Because I want to be healthy and strong, and able to glorify You in all the ways you have planned for me...

p.s this week's love monday:

strength in Him alone...

Last week's love Monday!:


This week has been VERY mixed. It started off really well - Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday were brilliant in terms of food and how I was feeling about everything. I met my 3 meals a day goal without exception, didn't stress too much and even managed to go clothes shopping without stressing out, to buy a proper running outfit!

I weighed myself on Tuesday and had lost a bit (despite my fears of gaining lots) and felt fit and well, full of energy and enjoyed another run


However, things went really downhill from Thursday night, when a meal I thought would be dealable with (at a friend's house, who generally eats really healthily) turned out to be pretty much worst case scenario. Definitely NOT safe foods, and it just panicked me.

Then comments and things kept stressing me out. I decided to go to Tesco to buy some healthy lunch stuff on Friday and I got really panicky deciding, because everything looked like it contained too many calories. It sounds ridiculous but I just left on the verge of tears and cried all the way around Maisie's walk. A definite low point, but I'm sure things will get better.

Yesterday, at the New Wine women's conference the speaker made this amazing point that resonated so strongly with me:
God uses EVERY situation and season of our lives to draw us into a deeper love for Him. Although we might not have chosen particular chapters, He uses all of them so that in our weakness, we might find our strength in Him alone.


I'm continuing to be open with people, I have actually still managed to stick to 3 meals a day always, despite my recent struggles, and I know I have an amazing support network. My God is able and I know I will overcome...