Saturday 19 January 2013

a new start


Since I got back to uni, things have been rough. Food stuff got harder and harder and harder, until my previously 'allowed' miniscule intake seemed impossible huge and I was skipping whole afternoons to cry into a pot of fat free yoghurt three hours after I should have had lunch...I had a few rock bottom moments; a few days where I honestly didn't know if I'd make it through. I gave up a little bit. Resigned myself to shrinking and failing until I spiralled so far that someone would rescue me from myself...the thing is, it doesn't really work like that.

I did try though, - and beauty did come in lots of different little ways




Then yesterday, I had my first appointment at the eating disorder clinic. I got up while everyone was still sleeping, wrapped up (although that voice was there, berating me every outfit choice because they all made me look too fat for the clinic – why would anyone there want to help me in my chubbiness?!) and slipped out into the frosty January morning. I was surprisingly calm, listening to worship music and walking across campus to the train station. As I tackled the stairs towards my train, the first few flakes of snow began to fall, getting heavier and heavier as I tensely looked out of the window with unfocused eyes, flicking through my songs.

It was amazing. I was so nervous, but my key worker was lovely and made me feel understood, and that I wasn't crazy, that other people had had the same thoughts and same behaviours and really, truly were able to change and move on...finally it felt like someone had the tools to properly, practically help me. They're going to give me a meal plan, help me to gain some weight, offer me different group therapy sessions, keep seeing me individually and teach me how to cope more healthily.

While I’d been in the assessment, the snowfall had got heavier and heavier and I looked out of the window as I got ready to leave to see a road transformed into a stereotypical winter scene. I left, a little in wonder at how everything had changed so deeply. I’m a bit of a romantic at heart: I like finding symbolism, and snow is the perfect new start.

 The rest of the day became a bit of a crusade. I deleted myfitnesspal, messaged my flatmates letting them know for accountability, emailed my mum and told her everything. I went to Co-op with my friend Poppy (who is the biggest recovery inspiration ever...incidentally she had to buy herself a new tub of nutella while we were there because she'd fancied eating it all with a spoon earlier on!). I bought chicken, hobnobs and a bounty. It felt amazing.
 It was so scary. I had to do a lot of breathing, a lot of praying, play a lot of guitar. But this was my new start, and I was so determined. I had a few teary happiness moments and a few panicky moments but I fought through it. I don't know how many calories I ate yesterday, and that truly terrifies me. It probably even isn't enough to gain weight on, but it felt like so much...

Funnily enough, Hobnobs dipped in tea are pretty damn tasty.


Ephesians 3:20 'Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us...'