new Summering

After a bit of a whirlwind couple of months, I'm finally finding time to blog again. Exams are done, Summer has begun and I'm excited to spend some time with the people around me, able to be fully present.

Year 2, Term 3

I finished exams on 20th June and, although this KT was flipping horrible, everyone found the questions weird and hard, and I felt prepared. Hopefully, I'll have done okay: if I managed to pass this term last year with how horrendously that exam went, I should be fine with this one! The end of term was a big celebration because it marked the end of phase 1 for us: hopefully, no more lectures, dissection or being based at the med school because, as of September, I'll be a 3rd year so based at the hospital instead!

My OSCE was less scary than last year's because I knew more what to expect, but more scary as the level expected was much higher and there were additional examinations (neurological and GALS) to learn, I had plenty of assistance preparing though, with the help of Ellie:

^
Cutie pie LOVED me doing practice on her, particularly 'binski!' (the babinski reflex) and 'checking her tummy' (abdominal examinations). Soon she wanted to try herself, so noone was safe from being examined. Her excitement was so sweet and relaxed me a little - it helped to put OSCE prep in perspective. 



These little girls continue to bring me SUCH joy every day. Living with them and their wonderful parents has totally changed the way I see things. I'm part of their family and that's so special. Having such security is so helpful for me, and I feel accepted and enough. It's especially helpful if I'm having a hard day to come back to hugs and people who I know are going to support me without judgement. I am so blessed.

Redemption

On my 21st birthday (25th June) I graduated from a course called "Redemption" that I'd done with my small group at church. When I first started it (our intensive weekend was at the end of April), I was a little unsure as being vulnerable and honest in group settings is definitely not one of my strengths! I find it hard to talk in a group even about banal things so sharing my life story and being completely honest in my responses to questions about it was a terrifying prospect...

However, the course has changed me so much. It's been amazing. To be able to share my deepest shame and struggles with 7 other women and find that they don't think any less of me - in fact, they respect me more- has been incredibly freeing. I've found new depth of relationships in my small group; discovered that so many people have the same thoughts I do but it's just not talked about and learned SO much about things I thought I already knew! My view of repentance has completely changed - what I thought was just saying a quick 'sorry' (and therefore never quite understood the significance of) I now know to be far more active - turning away from the mistakes in a practical sense; leaning into God instead...

It's also helped me to see God in a far more balanced way and understand how I fit in as part of His greater story: not that He dips in and out of my little life but that He is a mighty, passionate God who pursues my heart and whose beautiful purposes I am caught up in as I stumble along. When I shrink back, that hurts God as well as me. When I hurt myself in whatever way; when I run to an idol to numb my pain instead of into His arms, that hurts Him because He loves me. I can't just punish myself and expect the consequences to occur in a vacuum. It's simply not about me - but not in a horrible sense, in an incredibly freeing, beautiful, tender sense...

I celebrated a lovely 21st birthday with a picnic with some of my closest Brightonian friends; chocolate fondue at Chockywockydoodah's and my redemption celebration. Completing redemption on my 21st was incredibly special: an ending and a beginning. I'm 21 now, and anorexia is behind me. I'm never, ever going back. I feel like redemption has helped me understand myself better and, alongside the counselling I've been having in the last few months, has equipped me to be able to express myself and my emotions in healthy ways. Obviously I'm still working on it all, but the progress I've made in the last 9 months is more than I ever EVER could have hoped for.

I even bought a new bikini on my 21st, with no tears or panic. Yes it'll take courage to actually wear it, but I love it and I'm proud of myself!

This afternoon, I head to Anglesey to stay with Maddy and see Shereen which will be so lovely. I can't wait for some beach and catch up times; hopefully the weather will be conducive to bonfires and pimms! I'm so determined to make/allow this Summer to be beautiful; to bless other people and invest in my relationships. To spend time soaking in God's presence and fill myself up again. What a change from last year, and how thankful I am...