tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-38452598581022565552024-03-13T22:00:34.514+00:00seeking reckless abandon...Anna.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09197467719467643622noreply@blogger.comBlogger112125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3845259858102256555.post-13480037238907816972015-07-21T11:54:00.002+01:002015-07-21T11:59:02.559+01:00Gateways of HopeMy last exam was last Tuesday and, aside from a couple of bits I still need to get signed off (I'm going to go into the hospital tomorrow and beg for mercy...I want my summer!), I have finished third year! What an absolute marathon of an academic year, but one in which I've developed hugely. Becoming a clinical medical student has been a seriously steep learning curve, but one in which I've definitely blossomed. More than ever, I love this profession. It's exhausting, frustrating and there have been many points this year where I have desperately wished to be doing 'a normal job/degree' but I love the challenge and actually feeling like I can play a useful part. <i>Disclaimer: the term useful is very loose here...my med student jobs have ranged greatly at different points - from being the official 'curtain opener/closer' on a ward round (yes that's a thing) to running a clinic myself and presenting each patient to the consultant before giving them a management plan!</i><br />
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OSCEs were MUCH harder this year but my exponentially improved knowledge and clinical and communication skills meant that I coped. The first day was terrible by everyone's standards (all the grim stations, lots of stress, too hot, awkward histories and tricky imaging to look at) but second OSCE day went so well - I felt myself excelling on a couple of stations (like actually excelling, not even just doing okay) which was amazing. <i> </i><br />
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I'm proud of how I've managed this year - maintaining my relationships, jobs and interests while doing the most stressful year of my degree. I so strongly believe that every season is precious and full of opportunities - I don't want to ignore 'life' while desperately, unhappily, constantly studying and assume I'll live for real when I'm qualified. I want to be in my life, present, exploring NOW. <br />
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Recent beautiful things have included:<br />
My impromptu holiday to Iceland in late April with Phoebs: exploring a gorgeous country, perfecting my 4x4 driving through insane snow and eating so much icelandic meat and cheese..<br />
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Special times with the tiny people I adore<br />
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The 'British Summertime Festival' which was a much needed revision break where I saw Ellie Goulding and Taylor Swift amongst others. My whole day was made by this 9 year old TaySway superfan who sat on my shoulders for the whole act and then threw his arms around my waist for the biggest hug at the end. His joy brought more joy to me than anything else at that festival....although sneaking in an entire sharing bag of skittles in my bra was also pretty impressive!...<br />
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Getting stuck on the roof of my house during a particularly boring revision day home alone (I thought I'd be able to get back in easily!) and having to be pulled in through a different window by my very understanding next door neighbour...<br />
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Generally spending time with people who share my heart<br />
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Those other times that broke up the constant studying and crushing
pressure to perform: revision picnics; helping my housemate Georgie with
her cooking commissions; drinking endless cups of tea; end of OSCE-day
sea swimming; building incredible snack packs to take into our written
exams...<br />
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<br />
I'm now back in the North briefly, seeing my mum's new house for the first time; recuperating from the exhaustion of the last few months; catching up with old friends; a long weekend in Suffolk with my mama. <br />
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This is my current phone background:<br />
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<br />
I'm increasingly aware of my need to do exactly this: to guard all the incredible things entrusted to me from the ways they could fall apart. The potential in my life is so huge - relationships, medicine, children, worship-leading, ED recovery etc etc, yet there are so many ways that lies and fear could cause me to not fully steward those gifts and opportunities.<br />
<br />
A few weeks ago, I was brave and went to a women's prayer group linked to my church called 'the well'. I'd been once before with a friend and LOVED it; was prophesied over, sang out in worship etc and I was so determined to continue pursuing God in this new way, even when my friend couldn't make it this time. The topic was based around worship, specifically the 'gateway of praise' described in Revelation - a doorway made of pearls which are<i> formed in irritation</i>. As we are challenged and irritated and choose to <b>violate the enemy's suggestions</b> - be they relapsing into our ED, running away, not daring to step out in faith etc, a pearl is created. These pearls form the doorway through which God enters our lives. We choose to create a gateway and He enters.<br />
<br />
Hosea 2:14 <i>"but then I will win her back once again. I will lead her out into the desert and speak tenderly to her there. I will return her vineyards to her and <b>transform the valley of trouble into a gateway of hope</b>"</i><br />
<br />
I took great encouragement from this. I will continue, daily, moment by moment, to violate the suggestions of the enemy. I choose life; I choose Jesus' best for me. I choose to fiercely GUARD the good things entrusted to me: the painful, messy areas of my life are being and will continue to be transformed into a <b>gateway of hope. </b>God is a passionately creative redeemer indeed....<br />
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<i></i><br />Anna.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09197467719467643622noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3845259858102256555.post-60453463312851693362015-04-05T20:39:00.002+01:002015-04-06T08:36:19.194+01:00daffodil musingsThis year seems to be accelerating under its own momentum; February
leaking into March and suddenly April! I wore my Spring coat for the
first time one day this week and it felt glorious... (well, until the
way home when the sun had gone in and it was decidedly chilly!).<br />
<br />
I'm
now on my medicine rotation, which is definitely very rich in
opportunities to grow: I'm learning more than ever, it seems, although
am sometimes a little overwhelmed by the relentless day after day cycle
of ward rounds, clinics and acute medical environments, including lots
of weekends and evenings. Incredible daffodils, kind doctors who go out
of their way to teach and coming home in time for bathtime with teeny
people are some of my pockets of joy in it. Snuggling in a little cafe
one rainy lunchtime with a good friend, creamy hot chocolate and the
best bacon sandwiches we'd ever had wasn't bad either...<br />
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I've
moved house again - the family I'd been living with had to move about
45 minutes' drive away because of a new job, so I'm now with another
lovely family who also have gorgeous littles! The first few days were a
tad wobbly in terms of food (the new environment/kitchen/routines,
indecisiveness around food choices and being too shy to admit I was
anxious about it combined a bit) so I missed a few meals but have
definitely found my feet now and am feeling settled. <br />
<br />
Spending
the Easter weekend with my Ellie and Iyla was so special - I arrived
late on Friday night when Ellie was asleep and, seeing as I was staying
in the room with her cot, tiptoed into bed and managed to get to sleep
without disturbing her. She woke up around 2am and must have noticed me
because she got my attention back from dreamland straight away ("<i>AnnaaaaAnnaAnnaAnnaaa</i>"); came into my bed, and poked me awake every hour or so to share her suddenly-remembered thoughts ("<i>I did hold a butterfly on my hand!</i>"; "<i>Anna...I don't think we have any clothes for you here!...oh, you have some in your bag?!</i>"),
kiss me on the nose and stroke my hair. It's usually preferred to have
more than an hours' consecutive sleep, but it was so lovely to be with
her that I really didn't mind. We had two lovely 'family days' and I
slipped straight back in to complete comfort and wasn't shy at all which
made it so much more relaxing. There are few things more glorious to
watch than a onesied two year old congratulating herself on her own
intelligence as she finds another little lindt bunny...<br />
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<br />
I
also had a HUGE self care win on Thursday night - it was definitely a
'God thing'. I had happened to be looking for a car insurance document
in my box file during the day and found my 'relapse prevention' plan
that I did with my therapist before she went on maternity leave in
October. A large part of this plan focused on one of my main learning
outcomes of the work we'd done - to continue to recognise that feeling
emotions and having strong thoughts does not have to be 'wrong' or
overwhelming, but can simply act to inform me about what's going on
internally. When I later started to get frustrated with myself,
overtired, feel overwhelmed and wanting to punish myself in order to
numb out, I felt suddenly a prompt that I should have a bath (something I
haven't done for YEARS due to not being able to sit with my
body/finding the bath painful because I was underweight). I thought it
was worth a try, so took in an easter crispy cake, a cup of tea and a
book and spent half an hour soaking, getting out so much more relaxed.
Essentially, I did the opposite of what the lies in my head were
pressuring me to do: what a victory.<br />
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<br />
In other news, we lost my 94 year old Grandad in March: I had a text from my mum
saying to ring her ASAP one Tuesday morning on
my way to a tutorial, and knew instantly what she was going to tell
me. It happened the same week I found out my childhood home had sold and
that I had to move from my Brighton house in 2 weeks' time (and didn't
know at the time where I would be able to move to) as well as a horrible
pneumonia I needed antibiotics for, having to deal with parental
fallout and a difficult week in the hospital. Too much emotion all at
once felt a little like I was drowning: I think I listened to 'nearness'
on the new bethel album several hours a day that week, and certainly
all the way to and back from the funeral. There is such comfort in the
line in the picture below in particular: healer is part of who Jesus is -
it doesn't depend on when he happens to carry that out. He IS the
healer, in a way more certain, deliberate and steadfast than a single
healing event. <br />
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<br />
I'm
learning to accept this new stage - I don't even want to say 'of
recovery' anymore because that suggests a definite end point to the
process - of, <b>life</b>, I guess. I think I always believed that life
and struggles were separate things; that at some point I'd have none of
the struggles and all of the life: no eating disorder or self hatred or
loss or shame. I'm now beginning to understand that, while I will one
day be in a completely perfect life-and-God-filled place, it won't be on
this Earth. The struggles are a part of life here and part of what
makes it so special - messy, broken and yet beautiful; they lead us to
God repeatedly when we fail and fall. Yes, I still often wish I were
either completely perfect or completely destroyed, but hopefully this
slight shift of perspective means my dichotomous vision is being diluted
into shades of grey: with increasing acceptance, humility and grace for
myself.<br />
<br />
A quote that struck me recently:<br />
"I don't know if the hole ever actually goes away, but I do know that it doesn't <i>have</i> to go anywhere"<br />
- 'Goodbye Ed, Hello Me' (page 69)<br />
<br />
Amen
to new acceptance of brokenness, balanced with the knowledge of God as
healer and the firm hope in restoration. Happy Spring!Anna.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09197467719467643622noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3845259858102256555.post-44545049061242334492015-01-25T11:36:00.000+00:002015-01-25T11:39:13.642+00:00Doing hard things...<br />
I've just finished a 20 day online Bible study called 'I do hard things', and it's been so helpful for me. It covers different aspects of how to protect yourself, honour God and learn the most that you can while dealing with challenges in your life. <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IMvG_M0KsNU" target="_blank">Day 2</a> and <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g1XXUD1zd-4" target="_blank">Day 13</a> were both genuinely life-altering for me and one of the messages that spoke to me most is this:<br />
<br />
<b>"If you get instantaneously rescued from the pit, you will still be afraid of the pain BUT if we are led to <i>climb out</i> of the pit then the fear no longer holds us bound" </b><br />
<br />
Wow. All those times I've cried out and begged God to just deliver me and pick me up out of my mess and wondered why He didn't seem to care and having explored these purposes more, I have a new level of understanding about God's will in suffering. I'm never going to understand God's will aside from on a flawed, human level, but I feel like this study has taken me deeper and I'm so thankful.<br />
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<br />
Christmas was rough; quite complicated with my parents' divorce, but as ever I was SO reminded of the graciousness of God and His timing: I don't know that I would have coped with processing the breakdown of my family unit on top of the ordeal that Christmas with anorexia can become... This was the first Christmas in a long time that food wasn't a struggle for me, and the awareness of timings meaning that I could just about cope meant that I could recognise God saying constantly: "I am in this". What an encouragement...<br />
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I've been on psychiatry rotation for the last 3 weeks and I LOVE it. I'm placed on a women's inpatient ward in the local psychiatric hospital and it's very different from other hospital environments:<br />
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-the ward rounds: instead of awkwardly shuffling behind 10 higher grade doctors from bed to bed, not able to actually hear what's going on and generally getting in the way, we all sit around a table in a conference room and the patients come to us! Most of the ward reviews I've been to have just been a consultant, a reg and a junior doctor, a nurse and me; we discuss the patients before calling them in to talk to them. (there are even drinks and biscuits available! amazing!)<br />
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- treatment is so much more personalised. I guess it has to be, because of the nature of the illnesses, but we have long discussions about medication changes, taking the patients' opinions into account and explaining details to them in great detail.<br />
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-patients are often unsure whether to trust the professionals: totally understandably. Personally and professionally, I've experienced a lot of the negative side of psychiatric treatment, but it has been interesting to be on the other side: where I see doctors who genuinely care work incredibly hard to manage patients in what are so often very logistically difficult situations. <br />
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-when a patient allows you into their inner world, it's the hugest privilege. I feel like, as a clinician in psychiatry, you are much more involved in your patients' treatment than in other areas of medicine. The interactions have a massive impact in a person's health and doctors' human qualities like patience, compassion and a gentle manner are as crucial as any drug or therapy.<br />
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I really REALLY love psych. Even more than I thought I would...I think I've found my future specialty! <br />
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I'm also enjoying being more in control of my timetable - which makes life a lot easier in terms of working out when to do my paid work (note summarising at a GP) and also leaves a little more opportunity for spontaneous lunch dates and much-needed lie ins! <br />
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I'm trying to be braver with small group and it has definitely paid off - deepening relationships and fostering vulnerability and prayer in group situations is playing a big part in my life at the moment. I'm so thankful. <br />
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Also for the babies who I just completely adore and whose curiousity and excitement and untamed love make my heart happy. Ellie has taken to snuggling with me in bed in the mornings and reminding me in a singsong voice of my need for breakfast. She now only agrees to wear 'princess dresses' so pink frills are the norm (I do feel partially responsible for this dress obsession!). Iyla is into EVERYTHING: nothing is safe from her beautiful, sticky little reach. <br />
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This week we got the results of the first module of this year (an emergency life support and critical care course) and I got a distinction! Such a confidence boost that I'm beginning to excel now that I'm well and my course is becoming more about practical management of treatment as opposed to dry lecture facts!<br />
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<br />Anna.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09197467719467643622noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3845259858102256555.post-2155123934706952182014-11-10T21:40:00.003+00:002014-11-10T21:40:53.390+00:00Obs, gynae and roast gammonI'm in my fourth week of obs and gynae rotation, and I've already learned SO much. It's a huge learning curve to be in the hospital, pretty much left to our own devices and being in the thick of things, completely self-directed. I love the flexibility of being able to stay longer when I'm feeling enthused, and jiggle things around so I can fit more into my life, but the bit I'm finding more difficult is being brave and assertive in approaching doctors/other health professionals to ask them to help me learn (by assigning me to a patient/ letting me follow them etc). My internal monologue can so easily backslide into how little I deserve their time/how much they'll hate me for irritating them/why am I even here?! clearly I'm not worthy of studying medicine lalala..., but pushing through and doing it anyway is the best antidote to the thoughts...it's coming more and more naturally and I'm still yet to hide in a supply cupboard to cry, which I would have thought would be inevitable at some point in the first month!<br />
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I have come SO far. I've dealt with being shouted out by a consultant,
mocked by a surgeon and with standing my ground when other medical
students (some of the 5th years are on the same rotation to us at the
moment which can make space difficult!) have tried to push me out of
clinics I've been timetabled to attend. I've been brave with trying to be authentic with the other students I've been placed with. I'm getting much better at
maintaining boundaries, particularly with being logical about other
people's emotions. I <i>feel </i>what the people around me are feeling
so intensely that it can be overwhelming in stressful situations, but
I'm learning to separate myself from their frustration which means I can
then see that they aren't angry with me. I care less what 'they' think.
Yes, I'm still a HUGE people pleaser, but if I perceive someone not
liking me doesn't devastate me in the way that it would have done in the
past...<br />
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I'm enjoying my time being free from the hospital too, in this beautiful city, with beautiful people... I love that I can invest in my life now - not 'invest in recovery' or 'work on recovery' but just feed into the aspects of my life that I love to move forward. I'm having to be careful about not missing meals with how busy I am, and have struggled a bit with nausea around meals (potentially anxiety but I don't feel like it is!), but anorexia continues to take up less and less of my head and my heart. <br />
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Ellie is cuddlier than ever, which I LOVE and Iyla is growing more and more into her own person. We still do 'family day' most Saturdays and it's so special. This Saturday we went swimming then for carvery with Tris' parents, and I was fully present. Potentially the biggest joy of recovery remains in just being present. Like swimming in a bikini then eating a ridiculous amount of roast and ice cream, and still being present and myself and not have the time ruined by guilt.<br />
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I wonder if I'll ever be okay with not being able to save people... I'm really working on it; I understand the theology behind it and on a spiritual level but emotionally, it just slays me every time: when someone I love is hurting a huge amount, and I can't fix it. Funnily, I happened to do a personality test recently and it came out SO accurate for me being an <a href="http://www.humanmetrics.com/personality/infj" target="_blank">INFJ</a>. It made me feel less like I'm flawed, and more accepting of the way I intrinsically am. <br />
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So thankful for these learning experiences; the painful but amazing stretching and growing...<br />
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P.S I got my big mac lovin' back... <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhc7aI3YyKNy5CmiVlwCVM-3UN4lxvJGT1UYQ40yWTp8iW29RLXcpaUK99HZjtjxaSvP58FFkRPfXp9iDPDoY47ejieqFcAuNiEbK6OAcoAu5zpMfVrVZ4mYIDKG1FA56eV8lkjO3Uq6U9x/s1600/IMG_3922.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhc7aI3YyKNy5CmiVlwCVM-3UN4lxvJGT1UYQ40yWTp8iW29RLXcpaUK99HZjtjxaSvP58FFkRPfXp9iDPDoY47ejieqFcAuNiEbK6OAcoAu5zpMfVrVZ4mYIDKG1FA56eV8lkjO3Uq6U9x/s1600/IMG_3922.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a>Anna.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09197467719467643622noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3845259858102256555.post-42177188027545690332014-09-14T11:25:00.002+01:002014-09-14T11:25:39.093+01:00Summer 2014As of Monday, Summer has finished: it'll be the beginning of 3rd year. It's gone quickly but, equally, I've crammed so much into it that it seems to have been a very productive time. I've had some lovely holidays; caught up with people; celebrated new marriages and new babies; faced new challenges; driven a LOT of miles and learned some more about myself in the meantime...<br />
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Last weekend, I was in York to celebrate Wayne and Ruth getting married. It was a lovely day although a little strange in that it was exactly a year since I was last in York for a wedding (and since I saw many of my Northern friends!) and in the same church. Lots of memories of a not-very-nice weekend that time due to being so ill at the time but, this year, things were very different. It was difficult at times but so joyful and I was so present. I stayed dancing until the early hours and enjoyed the celebrations so much.<br />
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On Friday, we move into our new house which is closer to the hospital for next year (3rd year starts tomorrow!) and a really nice layout. A new chapter in my story with my Brightonian family, and moving to a new location all together is significant to me too - our house; not theirs with me as a lodger (although they've always made sure I don't feel that way). I'm so excited about decorating my room!<br />
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Ellie and Iyla are as precious as ever. Ellie started nursery this week and was incredibly brave: even on her first day, she was joining in with everything and encouraging the shyer children (who have been at the nursery for months!) to play with her as well. I'm so proud of her kindness, courage, gentleness and boundless energy and enthusiam! She's recognised how much I like cuddles lately - either instructing everyone to 'duddle Anna' or getting me to lie with my head on her tummy and stroking my hair. Iyla is 6 months old now: learning to sit up and starting to be weaned. Her new pterodactyl noise is both hilarious and a little scary but her giggle is just completely beautiful. I love these little girls so much!<br />
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A couple of weeks ago, upon going home to see my parents, I
was hit with the bombshell that they are divorcing, and it's all a
little messy and upsetting. The divorce itself I can deal with, with a
bit of getting used to and some tears over the loss of our house with
all its memories etc, but the back story is a lot harder to reconcile.
I'm leaning into God's grace; trying to balance out my reliance on God
and my reliance on people...having only just properly started to put my
trust in people as opposed to weight and numbers and performance, being so suddenly and dramatically reminded that people are unpredictable and imperfect is difficult. I am SO thankful for my firm foundation; my faithful, pursuing, passionate Jesus. A
few wobbly days of restricting and hurting myself; a little too much
alcohol and a couple of cigarettes; some reckless shoe shopping and lots
of tears later I'm feeling more sensible. I want my Jesus; nothing else
will do. No other comfort compares to even a fraction of how it is to
be close to Him...<br />
Anna.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09197467719467643622noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3845259858102256555.post-75904410347159516242014-06-28T13:13:00.001+01:002014-06-28T13:13:28.268+01:00new SummeringAfter a bit of a whirlwind couple of months, I'm finally finding time to blog again. Exams are done, Summer has begun and I'm excited to spend some time with the people around me, able to be fully present.<br />
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<u>Year 2, Term 3</u><br />
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I finished exams on 20th June and,
although this KT was flipping horrible, everyone found the questions
weird and hard, and I felt prepared. Hopefully, I'll have done okay: if I
managed to pass this term last year with how horrendously that exam
went, I should be fine with this one! The end of term was a big celebration because it marked the end of phase 1 for us: hopefully, no more lectures, dissection or being based at the med school because, as of September, I'll be a 3rd year so based at the hospital instead! <br />
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My OSCE was less
scary than last year's because I knew more what to expect, but more
scary as the level expected was much higher and there were additional
examinations (neurological and GALS) to learn, I had plenty of
assistance preparing though, with the help of Ellie: <br />
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^<br />
Cutie pie LOVED me doing practice on her, particularly 'binski!' (the babinski reflex) and 'checking her tummy' (abdominal examinations). Soon she wanted to try herself, so noone was safe from being examined. Her excitement was so sweet and relaxed me a little - it helped to put OSCE prep in perspective. <br />
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<br />These little girls continue to bring me SUCH joy every day. Living with them and their wonderful parents has totally changed the way I see things. I'm part of their family and that's so special. Having such security is so helpful for me, and I feel accepted and enough. It's especially helpful if I'm having a hard day to come back to hugs and people who I know are going to support me without judgement. I am so blessed.<br />
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<u>Redemption</u><br />
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On my 21st birthday (25th June) I graduated from a course called <a href="http://www.cck.org.uk/redemption">"Redemption"</a> that I'd done with my small group at church. When I first started it (our intensive weekend was at the end of April), I was a little unsure as being vulnerable and honest in group settings is definitely not one of my strengths! I find it hard to talk in a group even about banal things so sharing my life story and being completely honest in my responses to questions about it was a terrifying prospect...<br />
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However, the course has changed me so much. It's been amazing. To be able to share my deepest shame and struggles with 7 other women and find that they don't think any less of me - in fact, they respect me more- has been incredibly freeing. I've found new depth of relationships in my small group; discovered that so many people have the same thoughts I do but it's just not talked about and learned SO much about things I thought I already knew! My view of repentance has completely changed - what I thought was just saying a quick 'sorry' (and therefore never quite understood the significance of) I now know to be far more active - turning away from the mistakes in a practical sense; leaning into God instead...<br />
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It's also helped me to see God in a far more balanced way and understand how I fit in as part of His greater story: not that He dips in and out of my little life but that He is a mighty, passionate God who pursues my heart and whose beautiful purposes I am caught up in as I stumble along. When I shrink back, that hurts God as well as me. When I hurt myself in whatever way; when I run to an idol to numb my pain instead of into His arms, that hurts Him because He loves me. I can't just punish myself and expect the consequences to occur in a vacuum. It's simply not about me - but not in a horrible sense, in an incredibly freeing, beautiful, tender sense...<br />
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I celebrated a lovely 21st birthday with a picnic with some of my closest Brightonian friends; chocolate fondue at Chockywockydoodah's and my redemption celebration. Completing redemption on my 21st was incredibly special: an ending and a beginning. I'm 21 now, and anorexia is behind me. I'm never, ever going back. I feel like redemption has helped me understand myself better and, alongside the counselling I've been having in the last few months, has equipped me to be able to express myself and my emotions in healthy ways. Obviously I'm still working on it all, but the progress I've made in the last 9 months is more than I ever EVER could have hoped for. <br />
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I even bought a new bikini on my 21st, with no tears or panic. Yes it'll take courage to actually wear it, but I love it and I'm proud of myself!<br />
<br />This afternoon, I head to Anglesey to stay with Maddy and see Shereen which will be so lovely. I can't wait for some beach and catch up times; hopefully the weather will be conducive to bonfires and pimms! I'm so determined to make/allow this Summer to be beautiful; to bless other people and invest in my relationships. To spend time soaking in God's presence and fill myself up again. <a href="http://annasinnocentramblings.blogspot.co.uk/2013/07/topsy-turvy.html">What a change from last year</a>, and how thankful I am...<br />
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Anna.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09197467719467643622noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3845259858102256555.post-57990553655197785542014-04-01T21:53:00.000+01:002014-04-01T21:54:34.440+01:00Spring beginningsThis week, I'm in Berlin for the first holiday I've had with my parents since <a href="http://annasinnocentramblings.blogspot.de/2012/09/already-all-i-need.html">the trip before I moved to uni.</a> There have been challenges, as ever: I'm quite fiercely independent (not the most attractive of traits, and one I'm trying to soften at the moment...), and I've built up some more patience constantly being with my parents. We've had a few moments of frustration when I've felt overprotected and got impatient but, as the week's gone on, I've let my guard down and relaxed into my dad's jokes and cafe lunches with my mum... I set out on this holiday hoping to invest time and love in my parents, who I feel I've neglected quite a bit since I got ill, and think the last couple of days in particular when I've spent time with them separately have been such a good opportunity to do that.<br />
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I'm looking forward to being back in Warrington and Brighton, where things have been moving quickly in the last few weeks as well. In my Brighton home, Iyla is home and we're all adjusting to her presence.<br />
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One of the last mornings before I drove up to my parents' house, the rest of the family went to the park just after one of her feeds to give Ellie some special Mummy-and-Daddy-time, and I looked after her for a couple of hours. She was more alert than she'd ever really been with me before, and holding her and talking to her as I did my quiet time was incredibly precious. I'm so thankful for this family and how they treat me as one of their own. <br />
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I've changed churches in the last month too: lots of change, but it's a decision I'm proud of. I'd come to realise that, actually, church wasn't really church for me for the last several months but instead an opportunity to serve in the baby room and then hide from community and not make services myself and be too scared to try new things. I LOVE to serve; I love the baby room: the beautiful little ones and their lovely parents; the people I serve alongside; drinking coffee and rocking sleepy infants, and the time I spent there was always so precious and the highlight of my week. I'm sure I was meant to be there for a time, and have learned and grown through it, but it doesn't glorify God to hide away from Him: church then is not too different to a nursery for me. I would go to the morning, serve at both services and feel like I'd 'done church' for that week - but actually I'd not engaged with a community outside of the baby room or been challenged in my faith. I'm good with babies, it boosts my confidence and I love them so it makes me feel good but it's not Jesus and that's the reason I should be going to church. Despite my recognition of that truth and attempt to make changes since then, I've felt increasingly sure that I needed to move churches. This has been hard: I like to stay loyal to a church; I don't like to rock the boat; but so many things fell into place at the same time and the more I prayed about it, the more sure I felt about leaving. Sad, but right.<br />
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I've moved to a smaller church, part of the Newfrontiers family, and am settling in well. On my second Sunday, after meeting with the site leader for coffee during the week, he called me unexpectedly to ask if I would lead worship at the weekly pre-service prayer meeting. I was very surprised because I'd only briefly talked about worship when we chatted (he'd done some background research by talking to mutual friends!), but agreed and the style was perfect for the way I love to worship: informal, stripped back, just a guitar and voice and with people praying out loud in between songs and repeating sections. I felt instantly so at home - God is so good....<br />
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One of my Lent goals this year has been to get dressed within 5 minutes every morning. It sounds simple, but one of the most daily lingering eating disorder struggles has been linked with adjusting to my healthy body: freaking out while getting dressed often; deciding I'm too fat for all my clothes; changing and rejecting all my outfits and getting more and more upset. So since the start of Lent, I've been setting a timer on my phone for 5 minutes and my choice has to be on and complete by the time it goes off. It's getting easier: today I even tried on dresses in an H&M changing room with no tears and no real distress. <br />
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It wouldn't be real of me to not mention that there have been other struggles in the last few weeks. In leaving behind the numbing, softening aspect that accompanied my eating disorder, I've fallen prey to a couple of other negative coping mechanisms properly for the first time: an afternoon where I tried to numb out by drinking more than a bottle of wine; some scratching and hurting myself in moments of being overwhelmed. Torn between the 'better the devil you know' and the fact that 'it's easier to redirect a moving target', I'm desperately now trying to pursue the actual answer to the things I feel I can't cope with:<br />
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I'm getting closer and closer day by day. Quiet times are getting deeper and more tender; less like something I have to remind myself to do and more something I'm excited for. I'm so thankful for the things I'm constantly learning; despite the struggles along the way. I am more assured of God's goodness than ever...<br />
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<br />Anna.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09197467719467643622noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3845259858102256555.post-21639583334108284972014-03-14T23:06:00.000+00:002014-04-01T21:54:55.513+01:00seasons of change<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I've taken potentially my longest ever break from blogging...and it's been rather glorious. Life now is so different to the way it used to be: I honestly think I'm 'more recovered' than I've ever been. Generally, I can cry when people hurt me instead of damaging myself; I spend quality time with God every day; I actually tolerated my body when I got dressed this morning!</div>
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I'm being increasingly vulnerable with the people around me; enjoying med school and getting more excited about the future.<br />
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My house still brings me such joy. This beautiful little girl is such a blessing to me every day; when she steals some of my toast every breakfast time and wants to sit on my lap when she's having her nap time bottle. When she belly laughs if I throw her in the air and makes me sing 'sleepy bunnies' over and over...she makes my heart happy.</div>
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Iyla Jane Rebekah was born 5 weeks early in the early hours of Monday morning... Waking Ellie up with the news that she's a big sister was incredibly special; a moment I'll treasure always. Tonight, I met little Iyla for the first time. She is so beautiful I could barely breathe...can't wait to have her home with us all.<br />
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I decided while I was there that I think neonatology might be the career for me. I'm feeling so at peace with where I'm meant to be right now. Despite still doubting myself and my abilities in every sense, I feel like there's a real purpose for my studying medicine and my ridiculous love for babies. I'm excited to see what happens; although nervous. Competitive medical specialities make me want to run for the hills; I just feel that I'll never measure up.<br />
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Baby, baby steps are the only way in which to do this - I'm learning that more and more. I had my KT this morning for the term and I think it went fine... It's incredible that for the first ever term at med school, I've got through a whole term without wasting all my time losing weight and giving up on my degree (and life in general!) for the sake of such an empty goal..<br />
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I feel increasingly present in my life. It's special.<br />
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I'm getting back my passion for leading worship. I'm feeling more and more capable of facing up to real life (although still very much inclined to use avoidance when things get difficult). God is so good. <br />
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I'm feeling lots more changes coming soon...moving into a new season of growth and vulnerability. Church related; life related; lots of changes are going to challenge me. I'm thankful for Him who is constant through it all; who pushes us towards growth and away from comfort - ultimately for our good and for His glory. Excited for the next steps...</div>
Anna.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09197467719467643622noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3845259858102256555.post-86779391898641099862013-12-18T13:41:00.002+00:002013-12-18T13:41:21.629+00:00two Christmas trees...<div style="text-align: center;">
Last night, we decorated my Christmas tree.My mum wanted to take a photo of me putting the angel on the top, and my immediate internal reaction was that I definitely didn't want photographic documentation of how 'healthy/well [fat]' I now am again... Then I reminded myself that it wasn't about that - it was about me being with my family, decorating the Christmas tree: I let her take it. Then immediately compared it to last year's similar picture; picked myself apart and did a lot of thinking while lying on my bed with a huge cup of tea...</div>
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<![endif]--><span class="sortcode">As I look back across this year of
growth – both literal and figurative – it hasn’t been linear. It has been messy
and painful; with wobbles and backslides and momentarily ending up somehow
worse than when I started at points of deepest despair. It has forced me to be
real with my imperfection and vulnerability and led me to discover a fragile
new ability to be more honest about how I feel.</span>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span class="sortcode">Even now, I know I’m not recovered
because I see the year in terms of numbers and weight and calories<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">. January-when-I-was-skinny-and-miserable</i>
and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">May-when-I-was-heavier-but-happier</i>
and then the dreaded <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">August-and-September-when-being-tiny-again-took-me-to-rock-bottom</i>…
In my mind, my weight and my life are so intertwined – however much I dig to
the logical part of my mind and convince myself that my body is just the thing
I live from and that its size is irrelevant, it still colours my days and my
perception of myself.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span class="sortcode">My Christmas holidays last year are
fuzzy now, but the general memories are of my daily choices being completely
dictated by myfitnesspal’s calorie count and sitting parked on random streets
in my cold, dark car in order to avoid meals (having conveniently made plans
for 6:30pm to fit with my lies and avoidance). Of sitting against the radiator
in all my clothes and still shivering; <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>avoiding seeing friends who would pull me up
on my weight loss and sipping herbal tea that I didn’t even like because ‘normal
tea has too many calories because of the (skimmed) milk’. I may now gaze a
little longingly at pictures of my smaller legs and teeny waist from those
weeks, but I know passionately that I wasn’t present in my life last Christmas:
I might have been thin, but I was too caught up in my illness to properly be
me; to love the people I love and celebrate life and opportunities.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span class="sortcode">I am incredibly stubborn. This has, in
the past, been hijacked by my eating disorder: ‘<i>I will get to this weight by
this date. I will not eat more than X calories per day.</i>’; but it is also an
important tool in terms of positive actions. If I decide I’m going to recover, I’m going to make damn sure
that I recover. I’m better at that side: the gritty, determined, painful slog
of meal and snack and milk to top up calories and keeping away from bathrooms
and locking up the trainers and scales. The aspect of recovery that remains a
mystery to me still is the ‘self compassion’ bit: the way in which therapists
want me to think in order to recover – not just by brute force with myself, but
through <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">loving my body</i> and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">loving myself</i> and deciding that <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I’m just as worthy of food and happiness as
everyone else</i> and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">oh<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>look how beautiful I am at a healthy weight</i>.
I’m under no illusion that my cynicism isn’t blindingly obvious in that
sentence. Like almost everyone I’ve ever met with an eating disorder, I see
myself as the exception. I wholeheartedly advocate for others’ worth and
beauty, but I’m somehow 'different'. I force myself to eat and gain weight but hate myself even more when I'm alone and undistracted; I nearly cry every morning while getting dressed because I feel so disgusting. I have a long way to go; but I'm more determined than ever to continue to make progress. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span class="sortcode"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span class="sortcode">This Christmas season, I've already enjoyed (yes, <u>enjoyed</u>: not tolerated or survived or panicked through, but enjoyed) two Christmas dinners with two different sets of friends who are more like family. I've had multiple glasses of mulled wine without freaking out about the calories. I might be bigger than last year, but already I'm more present. I choose presence in my own life over being thin any day... </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span class="sortcode"><br /></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEga2IRUzewpnEl2P0NacymRhAWhzAy5AiDqnYN92wHNZSHUtZS2OPCyyBB2wm49SqQouxBSsmB9DNLIZuhMAFigxWpuI4DWtWERkI9ckUPgfFlyNH-6hlgHMILi3v8RujqATtn4kf_ypcDn/s1600/IMG_0934.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEga2IRUzewpnEl2P0NacymRhAWhzAy5AiDqnYN92wHNZSHUtZS2OPCyyBB2wm49SqQouxBSsmB9DNLIZuhMAFigxWpuI4DWtWERkI9ckUPgfFlyNH-6hlgHMILi3v8RujqATtn4kf_ypcDn/s320/IMG_0934.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLUkjon9GPl9pAFSX5QArJy4IhBdMZ9RQ7Sg5twr7uYaYY70AQnFBnVt6i7Rwl7-n7wUYFWyt3mFJdnycWW59kWQM37JdPobzVLnlGqEDyqCErLGEQgSTq1SwktK7U3Xe4dPl-JN6Qm0Xx/s1600/IMG_1126.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLUkjon9GPl9pAFSX5QArJy4IhBdMZ9RQ7Sg5twr7uYaYY70AQnFBnVt6i7Rwl7-n7wUYFWyt3mFJdnycWW59kWQM37JdPobzVLnlGqEDyqCErLGEQgSTq1SwktK7U3Xe4dPl-JN6Qm0Xx/s320/IMG_1126.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span class="sortcode"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span class="sortcode">I am reminded of the quote I used at the end of the Christmas message I gave last year at December's IMPACT! event:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span class="sortcode"> <b>"God loves us enough to meet us exactly as we are; but too much to leave us that way"</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span class="sortcode">This year hasn't been easy, by any means, but it is certainly full of evidence of this faithfulness shown by my loving, powerful God. I am so blessed.<b> </b></span></div>
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<span class="sortcode"><br /></span></div>
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<br /></div>
Anna.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09197467719467643622noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3845259858102256555.post-50449761119548045492013-12-07T00:17:00.000+00:002013-12-07T00:17:06.343+00:00'choose your hard'I've been very absent on this blog lately - for many reasons. Partially because term became ridiculously busy and I was throwing myself into being a medical student; partially because this blog was implicated in real life situations of people worrying about me so much that they took serious action and I was left bruised and feeling vulnerable. I've also been so stretched out living and recovering and pushing myself through exams that I haven't really had the time or energy to invest in looking inwards and reflecting...<br />
<br />
So much has changed that I won't be able to properly explain it. Things are incredibly different now to when I last posted - and I am so very grateful for that.<br />
<br />
<br />
1) <u>I've moved house.</u><br />
As of 18th November, I'm living with a wonderful family from church. Long story as to why my last house didn't work out; mostly due to my eating disorder and the ways in which people cope with it. Moving out was my decision and I felt like it was so important to me to make a fresh start.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhZT2FO1QQeHgmizreNf5urzl7Jt-okfxgG7C2R8ZMO8J5Qxx01NlMBANdU8fBZ2iwdRU6MrfvcBMWD3-uk449_IQgH7fx8YJOkgKatU4NE_qNIRSBLb63yzloq5z0f_WFgaDc8uS08C3A/s1600/IMG_0232.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhZT2FO1QQeHgmizreNf5urzl7Jt-okfxgG7C2R8ZMO8J5Qxx01NlMBANdU8fBZ2iwdRU6MrfvcBMWD3-uk449_IQgH7fx8YJOkgKatU4NE_qNIRSBLb63yzloq5z0f_WFgaDc8uS08C3A/s320/IMG_0232.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
It was definitely a good decision. It's going amazingly... I haven't made myself sick in weeks; I'm not counting calories or consciously restricting. I wake up every morning to the most beautiful 16 month old, who just wants my 'duddles'. I've always felt that, when I'm with babies and toddlers, I'm infinitely more free than usual from my eating disordered thoughts - maternal instincts take over and I focus on looking after the beautiful children as opposed to my thighs. Living in that situation does wonders for me...<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhaivLzPRV3b5ScDC0OClNSQ0lphxsisl3WNYSvgdSLvm3v_SevjrtZ-7_GbCS_rPUqJ8kBPFdgD2W42D0rKbLvFGc6aXM1lQTxY7UYTsZYNfcGgtmbN-8VtwQPkEC1-xWfaoMmoLtp9-t/s1600/IMG_0342.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhaivLzPRV3b5ScDC0OClNSQ0lphxsisl3WNYSvgdSLvm3v_SevjrtZ-7_GbCS_rPUqJ8kBPFdgD2W42D0rKbLvFGc6aXM1lQTxY7UYTsZYNfcGgtmbN-8VtwQPkEC1-xWfaoMmoLtp9-t/s320/IMG_0342.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
While I was revising I had a rough day (probably mostly to do with the fact that there was noone else in the house all day, and I'd got behind on my meds!) and backslid to a bit of duvet hiding, sobbing over my weight gain, running away from food and generally being unproductive and unkind to myself. I was feeling so awful by the time the others were due home that I nearly went out to hide from them, but then little Ellie came in all upset and, while her mum sorted everything out, I held her and rocked her to sleep and rubbed her back while she wailed the way I wanted to. By the time she was snuggled asleep on my lap, I was peaceful, grounded and calm. Incredible.<br />
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2) <u>I've finished term. </u><br />
Having actually even survived this term is, to be honest, a huge achievement given the way it began. In that first week, I honestly would never have believed I'd make it through the time of term - let alone actually complete the term itself. It's been the most incredible turn around; God is so so good.<br />
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I had my KT (exam) last Friday, and it went incredibly well! It was a hard paper but I was very prepared, well-fueled, well-revised and fully engaged with the topics. Neuro and psychiatry turned out to be completely absorbing once I had the concentration to properly involve myself in them: this has been by far my favourite term in terms of the material covered.<br />
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I remember thinking at the start of term a particular low weight I'd like to be by Winter Ball. It didn't happen, but the completion of the term and (hopefully) passing of the exam and survival and thriving and getting my smile back did. <br />
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3) <u>I actually feel alive again</u><br />
I feel like I've got myself back... I'm back to crazy Anna, who has crazy fits of laughter and throws myself into the things I love. It's not easy and I still have a lot of work to do, but I'm so much better than I was. Infinitely better than I was. I'm so incredibly thankful for fun and not just praying for the days to end but actually appreciating life.<br />
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I'm thankful for the wonderful people I get to spend my days with. I want to show them how much I love them every day instead of devoting my energy to destroying my own body in pursuit of an empty goal.</div>
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I feel like I've said this so many times before, but I really am so determined to continue to take back my life from anorexia. It's hard but worth it.</div>
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<br />Anna.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09197467719467643622noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3845259858102256555.post-84516967216425618552013-10-05T08:41:00.002+01:002013-10-05T08:41:40.528+01:00one week<div style="text-align: center;">
Today marks a week of change. A week since I slightly hopelessly (admittedly, I doubted myself completely) wrote out my new commitment to really genuinely try not to use ED behaviours and actually give myself a chance to move forward. And I, a cynic when it comes to myself relating to these situations, am amazed to see myself typing this: <u>I cannot believe the vastness of the differences that have occurred over the course of a week!</u></div>
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<li>I can get out of bed in the mornings again - don't have to roll onto the floor and crawl up; I actually wake up feeling like the sleep has refreshed me slightly.</li>
<li>mornings aren't 4:30am wake ups - I've been sleeping until 6am most days this week.</li>
<li>this whole 'training to be a doctor' thing is actually back on my radar - GP placement on Tuesday reminded me that I am capable; I am competent and I have the capacity to really help people in the future with this path.</li>
<li>my singing voice has power and strength again</li>
<li>I can worship without feeling like a hypocrite</li>
<li>I can drink tea and actually enjoy it, instead of downing it to fill myself up</li>
<li>I'm not scared to see the people I love (most of the time)</li>
<li>I had my first week back at football last night, and I remembered how much I love it</li>
<li>I'm leading worship at the uni CU meeting on Monday night - and I'm excited</li>
<li> I actually feel like I want to live again</li>
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This has shown me that I am far less helpless than I thought; nothing has changed with my situation in terms of professional help etc, but I made a decision and followed it through by God's grace, and all this has changed. I'm proud of myself; that's hard to say because there's still a huge part of me that's screaming '<i>noo, you were doing so well, why are you letting the control go, you're going to be fat </i>etc etc' but that's eating disordered lies. That isn't Anna and that certainly isn't God, and those - particularly the latter - are who I want in control of my life.</div>
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As I journalled yesterday '<i>this is the bit of recovery that's hard and real. Not the breakthroughs and the dramatic progress moments, but waking up each morning and feeling huge and eating breakfast through the panic and sitting with the feelings in tears. Crouching alone on your bed in the dark and desperately convincing yourself that this is right when it just feels wrong. It's easier choosing recovery once but it has to be chosen every second of every minute of every day and that's painful and exhausting. It takes everything you have and more because the energy <u>does</u> run out and you give everything to find it's not quite enough. But that's why recovery isn't something that can be done solo. That's why I fight against pride and overindependence and say 'Lord please, I need Your strength more than ever'. That's why, this morning, I choose to lift my eyes</i>.' </div>
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Of course, this is very much still the beginning. I'm still underweight and I'm still not eating enough or enough variety and I can see disordered behaviours all around. I'm scared and I know I will need huge amounts of help to keep moving forward - but a beginning is enough. This time, I'm determined to use last week's rock bottom as my 'enough is enough' - to hand over my ashes and let it get messy.</div>
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<b>'There is nothing that God cannot turn around to glorify His name - nothing' </b></div>
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Today, I'm clinging to that truth. </div>
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Anna.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09197467719467643622noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3845259858102256555.post-13865787741394415992013-10-02T15:38:00.000+01:002013-10-02T17:33:39.885+01:00new term; new commitment?<div style="text-align: center;">
It's safe to say that my first week back at uni was something of a disaster...predictable by most people around me - and even me - I didn't cope so well with going back. The Monday started off horrendously when I tried to increase my breakfast and completely panicked/spent a couple of hours in tears then pulled it together to go to uni only to have the most horrible day of beyond confusing lectures and friendship dramas and lots of stress. Then I was up all night and missed Tuesday; asked fairly desperately for help from the ED clinic after group on Wednesday only to hear the same story that this elusive new key worker will apparently call me that week (<i>surprise surprise</i>, they didn't) and then missed my timetabled Wednesday as well. Wednesday was an afternoon of complete hopelessness and considering giving up completely and Thursday was the resulting emergency GP appt, where I agreed to start medication to see if that helped and was given numbers to call. Finally made it in on Friday to some pointless lectures and a tutorial that I didn't understand, having missed the previous lectures and the dissection session for the week, and thus ended the first week of year 2, term 1. It probably could have gone better...</div>
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On Saturday morning I decided it was time to make a new agreement. Clearly, this relapse thing isn't making me feel better. Clearly the voice that says 'just a couple more kg, then you're allowed to properly recover again' is complete lies and it's just making things spiral; it's making me lose everything and ultimately it could ruin my whole life if I let it. So I wrote out a commitment - to myself and God. I prayed over it and stuck it on my window, behind the curtain so it's subtle but I see it every morning when I open the curtain.</div>
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I'm proud to say that I've stuck to this agreement ever since. Despite much opposition: particularly on Monday when I had a very dramatic situation with a parked car's handbrake failing, causing it to crash into mine and stay on top of it until I managed to do some manouvering with bricks with the help of a nice garage man. And my bank card breaking at the worst possible time and other everyday mishaps that would usually cause me to fall into cycles of blame and guilt and self punishment using food (or lack thereof) and exercise. </div>
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Despite the messiness and struggles, there has clearly been a lot of 'on my side' activity going on as well: even in the worst of last week, I had the most lovely date night. I can hardly believe that, on potentially the most hopeless day I’d ever
experienced, I spent the evening falling about laughing at pictures of dogs that
looked like people we knew, and proving my strength by doing high school
gymnastics lifts on Jacob. I’m so thankful for this man and how he loves me –
how he cries with me yet makes me cry with laughter and brings out my silly
side. He later told me that he’d prayed for the sanctuary of this date night –
to be a place away from everything else that was going on – and wow, did it
deliver.</div>
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I'm thankful for friends who hop in my car with cups of tea and moments of hilarity in dissection with Ellie when we mishear an anatomy demonstrator and genuinely think he's 'going to get the dog' (<i>just a note, this turned out to be </i>door<i>...apparently pets and cadavers are combination that is generally frowned upon..</i>.). I'm thankful for snuggling Naomi's pets when I visit her house; for a sweet pea scented candle; for care packages of tea and a cuddly snake from Shereen and the fact that I'm going to see Maddy the weekend after next. For study sessions on the kitchen table with my lovely housemates, when we drink tea and guiltily share moments of being distracted by our phones. </div>
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My new morning routine of 'breakfasting with God' has also helped the days start better. Combined with actually concentrating in lectures (with a little help from more brain fuel and a bit of hope) and realising that this term's neuroscience and behaviour topic really fascinates me, this week is going better so far. At my appt this morning, I was blind weighed for the first time ever (I'm always too curious even though I know it's ALWAYS unhelpful for me to see) and I probably gained from the last few days. But actually, I gained more than weight - I gained knowledge and a little bit of control over my own life back. I feel huge and disgusting and ambivalent and out of control and completely and utterly terrified, but <i>of course I do. Of course I will</i>. That's what recovery is all about.</div>
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</xml><![endif]-->I'm trusting, as ever, in the One who <u>always was</u> in control. Who forsaw this mess even before I did and constantly surrounds me. I'm trying to speak His name into the situations I face with the faith that He genuinely can change them...but also combine that with the knowledge that I have to fight with all that I have and do my bit too...<br />
<br />
On which note, I should do my bit towards actually moving on with my degree by writing up some lecture notes. Until next time xxxxx<br />
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<br />Anna.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09197467719467643622noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3845259858102256555.post-76836457563020478752013-09-12T08:34:00.004+01:002013-09-13T08:21:33.094+01:00beauty for ashesYesterday, I rediscovered a talk I wrote around Christmas time. I remember being on a family car journey and sitting in the back window-gazing, daydreaming and listening to worship then having a sudden realisation:<i> 'wow. we expect God to give us the beauty without us giving Him our ashes...'</i><br />
<br />
I knew there was a verse about ashes being replaced with a beautiful crown that I loved, so had a dig around my Bible and, with the help of google (oh modern Christian life), realised I was thinking of <b>Isaiah 61:3</b>,<br />
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<i>"to all who are mourning in Israel, He will give<u> beauty for ashes, joy instead of mourning, praise instead of despair.</u> For the Lord has planted them like strong and graceful oaks for His own glory..."</i></div>
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I started to mull and scribble, and Bible verses were flying around my head like they do when I'm 'in the zone' with talk-writing (a rare but lovely and special occurrence). I love to sit and dig deep in that situation; to challenge myself intellectually while learning from and about God .<br />
<br />
I wanted to know how, in a practical sense, we can receive these promised blessings...<br />
<br />
1) <i>"beauty for ashes"</i><br />
<br />
it sounds obvious - but in order to get the beauty, we have to give God the ashes - we have to surrender our lives; our mess. It's one of the hardest things to do; it has to be a daily (or even multiple times daily) decision. We have to live out <b>Romans 12:1</b> by becoming living sacrifices - and while we are in this world, that requires us to sacrifice ourselves, all of the time. Of course we fail, but His grace is sufficient - we just have to surrender all that we can. We have to pray the prayer of <b>Psalm 31:5</b>: <i>'I entrust my spirit into your hand. Rescue me, Lord, for You are a faithful God.' </i>We have to trust that God won't reject our brokenness.<br />
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<b>2 Corinthians 4:8</b> '<i>we are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed and broken...</i>'. There is <i>always</i> hope; we are <i>never</i> too broken to be useful. We need to recognise that we are worth saving - for God's purposes. <u>We have a future</u><b>.</b> <b>Ezekiel 37</b> talks about the valley of dry bones that God brings to life. Those are the ashes that we need to commit to Him, over and over again.<br />
By nature, ashes are done. Finished. I know that we can feel like that too. But that doesn't mean we're too broken; it doesn't mean that we're beyond help or not worth saving. It just means that it really is time to <u>surrender the ashes</u>.<br />
<br />
When we feel broken; prayer is hard. But the Holy Spirit is already constantly advocating for us (<b>Romans 8:26</b>); we just have to join in, in any we can, with what is already going on on our behalf. It helps to start small; a morning prayer of <i>'Lord I want to glorify You today. Help me to give You all that I can. Help me to be honest with You and let You work in me and through me in this day you've blessed me with. Amen.'</i> Then just at little intervals, check in with God.<i> 'Lord I'm struggling. Thank you that You are all-sufficient. Please could you help me now. Amen'</i>. God knows our hearts; we don't need to explain all the details of the situations all the time: we just need to acknowledge that He is Lord and He loves us. <br />
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2) Similarly (this talk definitely didn't end up brief - it became a full-on sermon! - so I'll summarise the other two points on this blog), to receive "<i>joy instead of mourning</i>", we need to acknowledge the hurt and recognise that there is a season for everything (<b>Ecclesiastes 3:4</b>). We can't run away from any season so we need to be real with God about where we are and allow Him to help us in that.<br />
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3) for <i>"praise instead of despair"</i> we need to look up. When we truly open our eyes to who God is, we can't help but praise! Despair is being desperate. <b>2 Samuel 24:14</b> <i>"this is a desperate situation...but let us fall into the hands of the Lord, for His mercy is great"</i>. When we take our eyes off of the despair in the situation we might be in, and fix our gaze on Him; when we replace 'I can't do this' with a recognition of who God is and that He is -by definition- able to do anything, we will be changed. <br />
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Today, I hope to live out some of what I've written; not all of it - and not perfectly. But today, I will do all that I can to surrender my own ashes...<br />
<br />Anna.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09197467719467643622noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3845259858102256555.post-76883358736535180792013-09-04T16:29:00.003+01:002013-09-04T16:32:21.036+01:00enough is enough<div style="text-align: center;">
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<![endif]--></h4>
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<span style="font-weight: normal;">I remember the first time I ever hit rock bottom. <a href="http://annasinnocentramblings.blogspot.co.uk/2011/09/moving-forward.html">12thAugust 2011</a>. I remember thinking I didn’t want to live anymore; that I was just
done and exhausted with life. It was so scary, and that experience initiated
small but certain changes – opening up to God; admitting I wasn’t okay.</span><br />
<br />
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<h4 style="text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-weight: normal;">I seem to have those situations far more frequently lately.
The lovely wedding where I simply couldn’t cope with the people and pressure
and buffet at the reception so left in tears in the early evening. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Last night when I sat crying on my kitchen
floor because I was too dizzy not to eat but too terrified to even open the
fridge then, after a while, couldn’t cope with being trapped inside and lay on
the beach at midnight and prayed again that I couldn’t do this - I just
couldn’t.</span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: normal;">It scares me that these moments should all be a turning
point. Each time, I try to make them so.</span><br />
<span style="font-weight: normal;"> But the next morning I wake up still
trapped and go on as I had the day before. I desperately need a genuinely
turning point but, equally, I’m learning that maybe it just doesn’t work that way. I wonder what it would take to make me finally say 'enough is enough' with a certainty and strength stronger than what keeps me stuck. I need it to happen, but equally I just don't know how.</span><br />
<br />
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<h4 style="text-align: center;">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-weight: normal;">Instead, I am trying to improve my perspective in the small
things: in trying to be more present in my daily life moments that contain so
much beauty. Beautiful views of Torquay where I spent a week with my lovely Ellie and her family; celebrating the wedding of one of my closest home friends (yay Mary!) and the return of Mads to civilisation and phone signal! I've missed her hilarity (and everything else about her!) so much...</span></div>
</h4>
<h4 style="text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-weight: normal;">I’m now fully settled into my new house, and delighting in
the way that the sunshine streams through my bedroom window to land on the bed
in the late afternoon – optimum situation for a 4pm nap. </span><br />
</div>
</h4>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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</h4>
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<h4 style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"></span></h4>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidZ3oH8o_yeSFi6AJu8M3RuTxNASvDUFSaVyWZxOpZT-Rfyz8BMVxCoVb-brxhZCSMk1_cNzBwnAbvHY7Ynl1wp3Y5_j9WZiXE6BQVJnz9IwwarRpIx7Z_BOgQT1n2_9odndEyo9QS9HBa/s1600/IMG_8293.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidZ3oH8o_yeSFi6AJu8M3RuTxNASvDUFSaVyWZxOpZT-Rfyz8BMVxCoVb-brxhZCSMk1_cNzBwnAbvHY7Ynl1wp3Y5_j9WZiXE6BQVJnz9IwwarRpIx7Z_BOgQT1n2_9odndEyo9QS9HBa/s320/IMG_8293.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
<h4 style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;">I have a GP appt. tomorrow that I cannot find words to express how much I'm dreading. But it's necessary. If not for me; then for the people who love me who I'm hurting by hurting myself. I need desperately to make changes and I think I've reached the end of my ability to do so. </span></h4>
<h4 style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"> </span></h4>
<h4 style="text-align: center;">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"> Yet again, I'm trying to surrender this to the One who knows far more than I do. He is beautiful and whole and I love Him.</span><br />
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<h4 style="text-align: center;">
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<h4 style="text-align: center;">
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Anna.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09197467719467643622noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3845259858102256555.post-34665922956880675932013-08-22T10:51:00.004+01:002013-09-04T16:15:21.873+01:00Soul '13<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]-->I've recently returned from Soul Survivor week B '13!<br />
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It was honestly so amazing to see my young people again!
They truly are an incredible group, and spending time with them makes me into a
better version of myself. I forgot how positively I feed off their energy: how
happy it makes me when the lads rugby tackle me and throw me up in the air or
the girls ask to go for a coffee and a pray. It was really special this week to
be able to reawaken that ‘youth work’ side of myself that I’ve missed while
I’ve been at uni.
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In terms of the sessions etc, I found it all very hard. </div>
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In the worship, I was able to fully connect and worship
during the ‘looking up’ sections – singing about God’s beauty and majesty; but
as soon as songs or lyrics about freedom and how we’re now living in fullness
etc came on, the guilt started taking over. We did communion on the final
morning and I was lost in a horrible mental cycle of ‘bread and wine argh…did I
really just think about calories when remembering how Jesus went through the
ultimate in pain and separation from God for me?!...I’m an awful Christian,
selfish, disgusting…I’m fat…argh calories in bread and wine *cycle begins
again*’. Guilt acrobatics are never nice. </div>
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I’m very thankful to my lovely Laura, who is just completely
and utterly wonderful. She was at Soul Survivor on first aid team and we
managed to get some time together on her breaks/through me sneaking to the
first aid post in the big top to have a hug. I texted her in communion like
‘argh what do I do?!’ and she told me to come to her, got stood down and prayed
and cried with me. That’s real friendship…</div>
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I didn’t have a ‘breakthrough moment’ in the standard
Christian festival
respond-to-a-call-and-go-up-for-prayer-and-cry-and-shake-and-pass-out-in-the-Holy-Spirit
way, and actually I’m pleased about that. That, more than anything, shows me
that God knows my heart. He knows that I approach His throne best in the quiet
stillness of an empty room; He’s gentle and tender and loving. One afternoon, I
took the opportunity of most of the young people being at seminars to sneak off
to one of the on-site coffee shops. I had picked up and bought a book, ‘God on
mute’ by Pete Grieg (which I’ve been meaning to read for years but is
particularly appropriate now) so took my book and my notepad/Bible, and curled
up by my phone charger with a diet coke. One chapter talked about how a woman
had written a brutally honest letter to God after miscarrying her twin boys,
which inspired me to try to be honest myself. </div>
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I wrote my own letter, admitting I was scared and lost and would really quite like God to intervene in this situation. I expressed my frustration, doubts and hopelessness and asked Him again for His presence.</div>
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It was ridiculous how much difference just trying to
articulate to God what I was feeling made – as opposed to running away. I felt
more able to worship afterwards and even found myself starting to automatically
pray for people and situations again…it was like my connection to Him had
opened up a little and I’m very thankful for that.</div>
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‘God on mute’ has really challenged me this week - and I've not even finished it yet! I hope I can continue to learn from it and, as I move into a more convincing acceptance of this season I'm in, continue to<b> engage the silence</b>...</div>
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Anna.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09197467719467643622noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3845259858102256555.post-15380834956254658602013-08-07T22:56:00.000+01:002013-08-08T09:27:42.849+01:00feelings vs. knowledge<h3 style="text-align: center;">
"The greatest battle is between what you feel and what you know"</h3>
I had a really rough few hours last night. In the last two years or so it's happened a few times - nights when I'm hurting and broken and desperate; when I'm hoping that I don't wake up the next morning. <br />
Yesterday, I lay face down on my bedroom floor again and <i>begged</i> God for His presence. I cried and cried and tried to listen to music but cried too much and felt utterly lost. I begged God for a few hours until I finally managed to fall asleep... What I felt last night wasn't pleasant: Abandoned; unloved; worthless; hopeless.<br />
<br />
But the truth is something that, deep down, I do know. When I'm able to logically look at my thoughts and feelings, I can refute most untrue aspects by looking at my own past experiences and reflecting on truths - like Bible verses- that I know from memory.<br />
<br />
<u>Personal reminders</u><br />
one of my favourite-books-in-the-world-ever-ever (Plan B by Pete Wilson) has a section about remembering God's past faithfulness - placing 'life signposts', in the way that Abraham builds an altar in the Bible, so that when you're in a new difficult situation, those reminders are still present. It is so easy to forget, in the midst of struggle, how faithful God has been in the past so it's so important to have these things.<br />
<br />
Some of my 'altars':<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMYofe8vlfjLKupNc7SQ9sfUT-N70KiM7kJ_W3mEd0IEhpnsmjbjcn3d1FPBv3MBfKmjg7rv-jIdSoMK-AXClLQYTJrFPnz7GE3uYpGJaIfj-srORBYaxPw5tJBVQhBx-Orm6gInmm6-M0/s1600/IMG_9446.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMYofe8vlfjLKupNc7SQ9sfUT-N70KiM7kJ_W3mEd0IEhpnsmjbjcn3d1FPBv3MBfKmjg7rv-jIdSoMK-AXClLQYTJrFPnz7GE3uYpGJaIfj-srORBYaxPw5tJBVQhBx-Orm6gInmm6-M0/s400/IMG_9446.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">getting baptised, July '10 (hello cheesy grin)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVyin9f0oK1x_VmbPQryox7IFChTLksRryCBaOqK-zXjvUN33c9aYoQaij7d_OfZYJCqU1NZ8Qsk-821wPJrZDI-Lk8ZxfBsF1siDIf5BowkolU_tDts_xA-FDPhE01kV5kg1UZdCFfkGg/s1600/freyja+010.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVyin9f0oK1x_VmbPQryox7IFChTLksRryCBaOqK-zXjvUN33c9aYoQaij7d_OfZYJCqU1NZ8Qsk-821wPJrZDI-Lk8ZxfBsF1siDIf5BowkolU_tDts_xA-FDPhE01kV5kg1UZdCFfkGg/s400/freyja+010.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">having the privilege of being a temporary mother to THE most incredible children in South Africa</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrC2X0fWLrWHUq9mSyZ83s9HlYRJqbz5wd1EN9QbyaZSJq64WkEnT6ejlHBUhK8PoiaWeK6KpiYCDhZnMKztrW_V43G-m94lGwx9YDkP5pbkjwmlgiY_NkNDRS0rSYlMTs9Qj6Vny7RlFh/s1600/IMG_5596.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrC2X0fWLrWHUq9mSyZ83s9HlYRJqbz5wd1EN9QbyaZSJq64WkEnT6ejlHBUhK8PoiaWeK6KpiYCDhZnMKztrW_V43G-m94lGwx9YDkP5pbkjwmlgiY_NkNDRS0rSYlMTs9Qj6Vny7RlFh/s400/IMG_5596.JPG" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">the fact that I ended up in this city...</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOtQ3MsCx4vRWJqWm2xYSs_aD6H60YOqwv96GxJLgh7Ay2cv6nrJ4BdGuXIBFG2QQgEpKJlAyus4jA5eYyb0KiKKzNSjWW_7cy2mP0qpy1jmRLOk2hZFphIFT60HIQ8-OUhfrb7um6jy_N/s1600/IMG_3358.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOtQ3MsCx4vRWJqWm2xYSs_aD6H60YOqwv96GxJLgh7Ay2cv6nrJ4BdGuXIBFG2QQgEpKJlAyus4jA5eYyb0KiKKzNSjWW_7cy2mP0qpy1jmRLOk2hZFphIFT60HIQ8-OUhfrb7um6jy_N/s400/IMG_3358.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">the 'accidental internship' that changed and shaped me (these young people's passion makes my heart soar)</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjN-sTfBD_AmFCqcEBjKZU0g-ZPAl-X4KwTxzGp73XDqMlYYrwqB1LIQxHk_Dnwld7mqXSxwTvbmdTvfNuwoYMSv4hTLxDgmVwi5w009YOvlFrCDYl2F2mTILUxGYriGM14TzDbOPXDyxp7/s1600/IMG-20110410-00669.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjN-sTfBD_AmFCqcEBjKZU0g-ZPAl-X4KwTxzGp73XDqMlYYrwqB1LIQxHk_Dnwld7mqXSxwTvbmdTvfNuwoYMSv4hTLxDgmVwi5w009YOvlFrCDYl2F2mTILUxGYriGM14TzDbOPXDyxp7/s400/IMG-20110410-00669.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">2011: the fact that my hands looked like this after EVERY meal and snack that I was forced to eat and, however hard things are sometimes, they never look *this* bad any more </td></tr>
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<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCixx9807k7vATCKt5kzZtMUqO-qnAu6f8kX2rzkSQv7jCAmZFnFcTUjHWsDWnK8SZMXHWm3JsFTUdiLgVaMRrfQH8wAQgD_QmU4fhLL3fjuca4t3M7T8g5SnXtqkqqejom-0FO7JlXkAB/s1600/IMG_6817.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCixx9807k7vATCKt5kzZtMUqO-qnAu6f8kX2rzkSQv7jCAmZFnFcTUjHWsDWnK8SZMXHWm3JsFTUdiLgVaMRrfQH8wAQgD_QmU4fhLL3fjuca4t3M7T8g5SnXtqkqqejom-0FO7JlXkAB/s400/IMG_6817.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">some recent pictures of incredible people who I love, and who love me back. The fact that I've only met many of them this year!<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">also memories of incredible experiences of God: worship moments; moments of learning to trust; moments of things clicking into place. The fact my mum survived highly intrusive breast cancer; the fact that I am as healthy as I am....so so many more... </span></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<u>Words of truth</u><br />
<br />
I feel abandoned, but I've known Deuteronomy 31:8 off by heart since the Summer I was sixteen...<br />
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<b>'Do not be afraid or discouraged for the Lord your God goes before you. He will be with you; He will neither fail you nor forsake you'</b></div>
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I feel like God doesn't care about me any more, yet I know that <b>His thoughts for me outnumber the grains of sand on the earth, and that He knows how many hairs are on my head </b>(Psalm 139)<br />
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I feel like God doesn't hear my desperation, but I have spent years clinging to the fact that<b> in our weakness - when we don't even have the words to pray, the Holy Spirit intercedes for us in groans too deep for words</b> (Romans 8:26)<br />
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I think that God has given up on me; that I don't have a future anymore, but I even have a tattoo of the reminder that <b>God makes ALL things work together for the good of those who love Him, and are called according to His purpose for them</b>.<br />
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I've been singing the bridge of this song all day: in fact, I woke up with it in my head this morning.<br />
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''<i>all of my life -in every season - You are still God: I have a reason to sing.<u> I have a reason to worship</u></i>"</div>
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Whatever I <i>feel</i>, I <b>know</b> that God is good. I know that He knows exactly what He's doing with me right now, and I know above all, that He is worthy of my praise. So praise Him I will.<br />
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<br />Anna.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09197467719467643622noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3845259858102256555.post-5235199306894137942013-07-27T21:45:00.002+01:002013-07-27T21:45:14.009+01:00an anchorthis evening, having begun to reread an incredible book, I decided to catch up on the author's blog that I hadn't read in a while. one of the posts, entitled 'anchorman', spoke to me.<br />
if I could cry at the moment, I probably would have. It resounded so deeply...<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
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<i><span style="color: black;">"1. Friends are wonderful, whatever
their experience. But there’s something in talking to someone who has
experienced the same struggle, that brings special comfort. They get it –
and they’re still here. Before everyone else; this is true of Jesus. <strong>Whatever you’re going through.</strong> Depression, singleness, addiction, bereavement, joblessness, infertility. <strong>He has walked this path before you</strong>.
Just before He goes to the Cross, he doesn’t say, ‘Lord – thanks for
this opportunity to suffer and glorify you.’ He says ‘is there any other
way?’ And when God says ‘no’, even though everything in Him is in
agony, He accepts that this is the only way. He trusts that His Father
knows what He’s doing, even when the world is ending. You can trust Him
and you can trust what He says. He’s got you and when you’re in the
furnace, He’s right there with you.</span></i> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>
</i><i><span style="color: black;">2.<strong>It’s okay not to feel it.</strong>
It’s okay to cry out and to doubt and to question and to hit things
and to be broken. Think about a toddler that’s having the mother of all
melt-downs. Wailing like the world is ending. and raining blows on
your chest with their tiny fists. What do you do with this child? And
what does God do with us? You look at them and you love them. You hold
them. Tight. You absorb the anger and pain of a little body that has no
idea what life is about or what they need most. You take the force of
their pain. And you pull them close. Wherever you are now: whatever
you’ve done. God is holding you in the midst of the pain. You are safe.
And He will not let you go.</span></i> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>
</i><i><span style="color: black;">3.<strong>Some things can’t be fast-forwarded</strong>.
This is hard. Sometimes unbearable. But it will get better.There will
come a day when you will want to live again. For now, be kind. Give
yourself space and time. There’s no deadline. There’s nowhere you need
to be.Nothing is so important that it can’t wait. You are loved – but
you’re not indispensable. And you’re safe – even in the mess. The Lord
doesn’t want your service right now. He can do it without you. So let
Him.</span></i><br />
<i>
</i><blockquote>
<i><span style="color: black;">We have this hope as an
anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner
sanctuary behind the curtain, where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered
on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever, in the order of
Melchizedek.</span></i><br />
<i><span style="color: black;">Hebrews 6:19-20"</span></i></blockquote>
</blockquote>
- Emma Scrivener at <a href="http://emmascrivener.net/">A New Name</a><br />
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incidentally, my phone background for the last few weeks has mostly been this: <br />
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I don't know where I am with God at the moment. I don't even know where I am with myself. But I'm clinging onto the truth that<u> a boat doesn't always see its anchor. It doesn't feel it a lot of the time. But that doesn't mean it isn't there - or that it isn't just as firm and secure.</u><br />
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I'm thankful for the part of me that wholeheartedly still hopes and believes in the promise of that anchor. Even in the midst of this mess of diet coke and sugar free jelly and filling my basket with low calorie groceries that aren't quite low calorie enough; and putting them all back; in nearly crying because I can't tell if sugar snap peas or green beans are 'more allowed' and in hating myself for buying food and hating myself for not buying food. In feeling hopeless and selfish and messy. In hurting people who care about me - because they care about me. I might not see it or feel it or even be able to fathom it but <b>the anchor is there</b><br />
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<b> I have the hope of God's promises as my soul's anchor and</b>, thankfully,<b> it is firm and secure </b>regardless of where I am.</div>
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Anna.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09197467719467643622noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3845259858102256555.post-26138900652111964682013-07-23T10:53:00.001+01:002013-07-23T10:53:14.406+01:00topsy-turvy<div style="text-align: center;">
<u>T</u>hings have been a little topsy-turvy around here recently.</div>
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My end of term exam ended up going really horrendously: it was almost on a par with GCSE additional maths (which set 1 got casually entered for with no teaching of the material on it, resulting in my E as a reward for the 3 hours' worth of rewording questions in answer boxes). I forgot even the most basic of anatomy; hopelessly muddled the positions of every ion channel in the kidney and left entire pages blank before tearfully guessing the multiple choice questions without even properly reading them and leaving halfway through. Then isolating and realizing I'd have to cancel my whole Summer for the inevitable resit. Deciding I didn't even want to resit because I was a failure at my degree so there was no point. Wondering where on earth my life was going.</div>
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It was downhill from there really. My mind grabbed the piece of 'logic' that my exam performance (and therefore life's worth of course - because that's what matters (?!)) is inversely proportional to my weight. Because <i>obviously</i>, my weight determines my exam performance and therefore my self worth... It's true that my exam performance has steadily deterriorated over the course of the year, as my weight has increased. But, as my angry-stressed-triggered-post exam mind forgot, correlational evidence cannot establish causal relationships - there's just no way to prove a link like that. So many other factors have played a part, and my weight is logically probably one of the last things to influence it - aside from the opposite effect of being healthier and therefore having more concentration now...</div>
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I've been struggling a little with my faith lately as well. Not my faith, so much, but a different aspect that's harder to explain. I still wholeheartedly love God and want to follow Him. I still worship Him; do my best to trust Him; KNOW that He works all things for good and see Him in my circumstances. It's the relational aspect that's a little more absent recently - the whole 'presence' thing. I miss it horribly; everything just seems a little empty, but I'm trying to recognise that <b>there are seasons and times when God retreats to allow us to grow and to change</b>. But that's on a good day. On a bad day, I'm lost and vulnerable and scared. I feel abandoned and decide it's because I'm huge and worthless, and lie begging God for His presence, feel nothing and slide back into 'abandoned-and-huge-and-worthless'.</div>
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These factors combined have led to a bit of a downward spiral. I've lost weight and I don't even know if I want to gain it back or keep sliding. I'm in a tangle because if I go back to Brighton clinic now, they'll make me maintain at a higher weight than before because of <a href="http://annasinnocentramblings.blogspot.co.uk/2013/04/nothing-tastes-as-good-as-healthy-feels.html">our deal</a>, so I'm having to avoid them for the near future. I don't really know what to do.</div>
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In the meantime, I had a lovely holiday in France with Jacob, spent some
time with my mum in Suffolk, caught up with Brighton and other Southern
folks and went to a psychiatry summer school at King's!</div>
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Ironically, I got my results last week and it turned out I'd actually passed the exam by some miracle (hello there '<i>I still feel God working in my circumstances</i>'). That's a huge blessing because it means I can still go to Soul Survivor. I'm a little scared because I'm very 'walls-up' with God at the moment, but I'm going as a leader and it'll be so amazing to spend time with my incredible IMPACT! youth again, and see how they've developed. </div>
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My aim for the next few days is to reevaluate everything. I need to decide what I actually want and I need to somehow spin things back around so I can think more clearly. </div>
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Over and out.</div>
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<br />Anna.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09197467719467643622noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3845259858102256555.post-63469752422852796272013-06-17T23:09:00.003+01:002013-06-17T23:13:30.913+01:00sunset chasing moments<br />
I had a little moment tonight - a moment of 'this is why I choose recovery'.<br />
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...because life is beautiful and fleeting, and I want to be well and whole so I can go and grab hold of the little wisps of beauty and opportunity that come my way...so that when I see that sunset reflection in my window I have the energy to run to my bedroom and grab my guitar, and the stamina to run up onto the South Downs before the sky's colours fade.<br />
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I want to have the freedom to not have to be accompanied on my sunset-chasing missions. I want to be trusted enough to make decisions and to keep them spontaneous. I want to be able to go up on the hill and sing worship to my God at the top of my voice and not care if I look a bit crazy, or I'm sitting surrounded by thistles wearing flipflops...or there's a herd of cows worrying nearby...<br />
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I may have 'wasted' some revision time tonight - time I can ill-afford to sacrifice. I'm SO behind. But actually, sunset chasing is worth it (she says, boiling the kettle for coffee to continue studying at 11pm...)<br />
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Life is beautiful and fleeting. Spontaneous sunset chasing guitar moments make my heart soar. Over and out.<br />
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<br />Anna.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09197467719467643622noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3845259858102256555.post-35207412850086052542013-05-29T13:30:00.003+01:002013-05-29T13:30:36.688+01:00I choose perspectiveI just had clinic, and I gained weight back (having had a bit of a wobbly week where I lost a little) and it's hard. It's horrible. I don't like gaining weight. It feels disgusting and it goes against what I've taught myself means 'in control' for so long, and it feels like my life is spiralling...<br />
<br />
But I know I just need to seek some positive perspective in this so here goes:<br />
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1) <u>I choose to remind myself of yesterday</u>:<br />
<br />
It was so encouraging. I did a talk at my hub at church on humility and was more confident than I'd ever been about a talk (although that's not saying much because I'm not the best at standing up in front of people!) - it just felt so natural and is something I'm really passionate about. It went really well and the whole of the hub night was incredible - such a sense of God's presence as we worshipped and prayed and I felt fully comfortable and so close to everyone...<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">acoustic worship makes me happy :)</td></tr>
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While I was on the bus there, I was so blessed as well. I just sat and was listening to my ipod as usual ('Pursuit' by Jesus Culture) and I suddenly felt God in a way I hadn't in so long. I was just filled with a calm security and had shivers down my spine... It meant so much to me.There is literally nothing in the whole world that is more amazing than feeling God close, and it's something I've missed so much lately while I've been a bit 'wall-putty-uppy' (wow, my eloquence is astounding ;))<br />
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2) <u>I choose to see myself physically with a 'healthy mind perspective</u>':<br />
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When I'm able to be rational, I know that I look so much better how I am now! Despite feeling massive, I know that I am so much prettier when I'm healthy because my skin and hair and face just look so much better. I have curves which are more attractive than bones <span style="font-size: xx-small;">(also, I know I look better with boobs and my ghetto booty back, just sayin').</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWvAgqkIE-2KbK6GQOaE3YXs9S2wttYHJWYNNOXia0lh8VIDpsHK6elGxiXw_2rzPGWfZRhWKIvyB6IxTuNnQ8GuNZaofPc5_Cy36FJ3X9sD6ieLm54ZzRBp1MN6oeoUKbibdaeSiEHQrM/s1600/IMG_5550.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWvAgqkIE-2KbK6GQOaE3YXs9S2wttYHJWYNNOXia0lh8VIDpsHK6elGxiXw_2rzPGWfZRhWKIvyB6IxTuNnQ8GuNZaofPc5_Cy36FJ3X9sD6ieLm54ZzRBp1MN6oeoUKbibdaeSiEHQrM/s320/IMG_5550.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">the day I started my meal plan properly vs. this morning </td></tr>
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3) <u>I choose to look for the 10,000 reasons to worship today</u><br />
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Recovery = glorifying to God. God = incredible. I want to seek out those reasons to worship. I want to open my eyes, in this moment, to the presence of SO much good, and so much beauty around me.<br />
Good music; beautiful flowers; a strong cup of tea; the people I love; even waking up this morning. Life is short, and life is hard but so, so beautiful. I want to find that beauty at every opportunity...<br />
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When I look at my 3 points, a little electronic number that tells me my body has a few hundred grams more water or muscle or fat or breakfast or clothing or whatever in it is pretty meaningless.<br />
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Today, I choose perspective Anna.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09197467719467643622noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3845259858102256555.post-90895535364718164452013-05-06T23:50:00.002+01:002013-05-09T09:13:10.472+01:00Am I really doing this?!Since I got back after Easter, things have been pretty good. The weather's getting beautiful; I'm forming closer and closer friendships with people here; I've been exercising again - running with my friend Alice, which is so
lovely and sociable/not dictated by calories or anything negative: a
chance to be healthy and feel good for the day...I'm getting more confident with church things and, best of all, I'm just generally starting to feel freer and less bound by my eating disorder...<br />
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This weekend was especially lovely - it's been a bank holiday, so I had three FULL days off lectures etc, a rare occasion and therefore cause for much celebration! Saturday was mainly a study day but a nice, chilled opportunity to not have to be anywhere at any particular time (SUCH a rarity for me - can't even remember the last time that happened!) and then yesterday (Sunday), I had an incredible morning with the church babies and then went to London with Jacob to see Rend Collective in the evening, and just explore and have fun during the afternoon...<br />
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...I had breakfast at home, got a costa panini for lunch on the way to the train station and had a subway and some fruit for tea....I felt normal. It was so amazing. Food was just a little aspect of the day to consider and fit around our plans - it wasn't at the centre.<b> Food played a part in my day, instead of informing my day</b>. Amazing. Plus I was able to worship in such a free way during Rend Collective...I didn't care what people thought, I just worshipped God openly...the best thing ever. I honestly don't think anything compares: every song really spoke to me about freedom and new life, and how God uses our struggles for good. Wow.<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwtBCYMzdE_hew2hrP1jmLX7RbiuMyAxJXj8zR3kty20lJUnn66HOqAFzXuznoZ_1fylXUd3F87p8OHes9Ad9YOBjwgUklSzDvdvdkWjtKtVJ6Cyt6s9hs5plfeHRPMjRS5ECR71v56_7f/s1600/IMG_4968.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwtBCYMzdE_hew2hrP1jmLX7RbiuMyAxJXj8zR3kty20lJUnn66HOqAFzXuznoZ_1fylXUd3F87p8OHes9Ad9YOBjwgUklSzDvdvdkWjtKtVJ6Cyt6s9hs5plfeHRPMjRS5ECR71v56_7f/s320/IMG_4968.JPG" width="320" /></a><br />
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Then today (Bank Holiday Monday), I got up late (for me :p) and had a nice long shower, made a new breakfast creation (smoothie with granola added...so good) and then, after doing a bit of work, visited a friend to chill and watch a film before heading out to my favourite buffet restaurant with medical CU (Foodilic is so nice, organic veg dishes that are so simple but very tasty and healthy). It was a lovely meal but I ate a bit more than usual...enough to make me still aware of my fullness when I got home. <br />
I really wanted to cancel my evening plans (charity open mic night) and purge and excercise. I really, really wanted to give in to my eating disorder, decide it was all too much and 'slips will happen' and start afresh tomorrow....and while allowing mistakes and using those explanations are both important and true, it's not progress if I don't actually try to push myself further each time. So I forced myself to take a moment out; to lie down on the floor and remind myself that giving in is <u>not what I really want</u>, doesn't glorify God or honour the people who love me and wouldn't be the right decision.<b> I don't want to lose any more memories or opportunities to my eating disorder</b>. After a little inward pep talk, I went to the open mic night. It was lovely - spent time with people I don't often get to talk to....and then got talked into performing!<br />
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This is huge. I lead worship, yes. I sing in church, because it's not about me - it's for God, so the way I see potential failure/mistakes is totally different. But tonight I decided to overcome. I sang and played 'faithful' by Brooke Fraser, to perform. And it went really well! I'm so proud of today's decision...<br />
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I feel like I'm really doing this recovery thing. Like I'm moving forward and actually getting somewhere...body image still has a lot to be desired but I'm much more at peace than I have been since being weight restored. I'm excited for the future because I can almost picture a life that doesn't revolve around food or my weight or self hatred. It's incredible.<br />
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God really is faithful.<br />
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p.s a bit of humour ;) (the fact I can start to laugh about this now shouts 'progress' too :))<br />
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<br />Anna.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09197467719467643622noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3845259858102256555.post-70398629855473725492013-04-10T15:58:00.002+01:002013-04-10T15:58:33.839+01:00nothing tastes as good as HEALTHY feels....I was at clinic for my first time in over a month this morning...I was dreading it, because I knew that I'd have gained more weight while I was in France/at home...and seeing that number is never easy.<br />
Granted, it wasn't: I looked down at a number I would probably rather have never seen anything near again - over a stone above my first clinic weigh in figure, and had a minor freak out.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">first clinic appt, wearing ridiculous numbers of layers to keep warm!</td></tr>
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I think my key worker could tell I wasn't a happy bunny because she decided to bargain with me: she said that they'll be happy for me to maintain where I'm at now - a little bit lower than what we initially said was my goal - as long as I don't lose any weight. If I were to drop more than 2kg, then they'd want me to maintain at the original, higher weight afterwards to be safe...which I think is pretty fair. I'll take that.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">healthy, trying to love it!</td></tr>
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(I may have had an urban outfitters splurge to reward myself - probably not too sensible as a struggling student but I love my new outfit!)<br />
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I'm so thankful that I'm officially weight restored! It's rough and scary and I feel disgusting most days. I still have to constantly fight to keep making good decisions and take care of myself, but it's worth it.<br />
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I know truly that I'm so much happier now than I was at my lowest weight - however much my mind wants to glamourise that as something to return to. I'm healthy, and I feel alive again. It's really really worth all the horrible gaining and body image stuff for even those moments of feeling good and healthy. Yay<br />
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I'm going to have to do some essay now, but I thought it was a good occasion on which to blog.<br />
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God Bless! <br />
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<br />Anna.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09197467719467643622noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3845259858102256555.post-46220523805223795882013-03-31T20:57:00.000+01:002013-04-04T17:41:51.011+01:00Easter...and my Second Best ChoiceMy best choice in life, hands down, will always be becoming a Christian. On the level beneath that are lots and lots of good choices...taking my gap year that changed and stretched me; saying 'yes' to leading worship the first time, despite my fears, and falling in love with it; deciding to take up my uni place at BSMS over other options; doing the IMPACT! internship that came out of nowhere; choosing St Peter's as my church in Brighton etc...<br />
Second best though, at least for the moment, has to be choosing recovery. Today has made me aware of that all over again. I'm so, so thankful.<br />
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This Easter was my first time back at my home church since Christmas- and it was so lovely to see everyone again...I led worship and it was lovely to be able to face the right way to see everyone and remember how much I love and have missed them!<br />
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After the service, so many people came to say hello and tell me how much they'd missed me while I was away - it was really sweet! Even people I'd barely ever spoken to said how glad they were to see me back and looking so well, and that they'd be praying for me and I'd just had no idea that people noticed my absence that much - or indeed how obviously struggling I was at Christmas...<br />
Lots of comments today, (at least) a stone up from when I was last home and feeling and looking much much healthier - literally everyone I spoke to took a pick from '<i>well</i>', '<i>healthy</i>', '<i>so much better</i>' or 'amazing' and announced how I looked...and I was surprisingly okay with it. I find it so triggering often because as soon as someone says 'well', I decide they're meaning 'fat'. One middle-aged man I know moderately well said '<i>I'm so glad to see you've gained some weight, honestly you look so much better.</i>' and said how worried everyone had been about me....cue breathing through the horror of being told I've gained weight obviously, but also a real desire for health. The trigger is diminishing because I'm beginning to internalise the truth that <b>healthy is good and necessary</b>. so much better than sick and weak.<br />
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My week in France was simply brilliant. Seeing Maddy again, spending oodles of time with Shereen and skiing was fabulous, and the food...oh the food. It's painful to admit but it was so yummy. Like, ridiculously yummy. Ice cream in Annecy with the sun on our faces; spag bol at lunch time halfway up a ski slope; hot chocolate and kitkats for morning snack in the snow...it added a lot of joyful moments - not the food itself necessarily but the situation and the way it brings people together in celebration and fellowship. Being able to enjoy some of those times and be properly present in them for the first time in years was brilliant.<br />
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There were difficult, stressy moments - of course. But I felt normal at times, wow...actually normal?! Honestly, I don't think I ever believed it possible.<br />
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Today, Easter, is the ultimate symbol of hope, overcoming, new beginnings. How thankful I am for all those things...<br />
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Anna.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09197467719467643622noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3845259858102256555.post-16273521697678973102013-03-16T19:31:00.002+00:002013-03-16T20:11:54.705+00:00second term ends!I can hardly believe I've now finished the second term of this year at university! it honestly has gone so quickly: I had my end of term exam on Thursday and it's SUCH a relief to have it done... It didn't go amazingly - it was a very difficult exam, but actually everyone seemed to find it horrible so I'm hoping that I've still done okay!<br />
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This term has been so unbelievably hard. If I'm honest, it was probably even harder than last term - because actually, when it comes to eating disorders, relapse is on a short-term basis an easier option than recovery. It's been a daily battle to stick to my meal plan; to not have access to scales; to go to group therapy and try to TALK about what happens in my mind with strangers; to (more often than not) manage to be logical with myself when I want to give in and exercise/restrict/purge; to actually ask for help with it all! I've gained nearly a stone back since I made my <a href="http://annasinnocentramblings.blogspot.co.uk/2013/01/a-new-start.html">decision</a> to fully commit to recovery again, and that's so scary but I'm trying to adjust to it... When you're relapsing, you can give into what your head's screaming at you to do - and it offers temporary relief, but recovery is always, always the best thing - and eventually the easiest as well.<br />
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The reason that this term has been so much better is the underlying, strong knowledge that I'm doing the right thing - that I'm doing the thing that glorifies God. Knowing that gives me so much strength.<br />
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<b>James 1:21</b><i> 'so get rid of all the filth and evil in your lives, and humbly accept the message God has planted in your hearts, for it is </i><u>strong enough to save your souls</u><i>'.</i></div>
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This quiet firmness of foundation is something I've been trying to establish more and more solidly within myself this term...and I'm so proud of what I've achieved. That's something that's strange to say, but it's really true. I never thought I'd have such a good day that I could be eating my breakfast and take funny selfies with my giant bran flake instead of crying about it:<br />
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I've been SO blessed, as ever. I can't express how lucky I am
to be surrounded by the people I am, and to have the opportunities that I
do. God is so so good. </div>
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I'm still absolutely in love with St Peter's, and helping in the creche on Sunday mornings is literally always the highlight of my week! They're just so precious, and I almost always get a little baby sleeping on me...a little taste of heaven, I maintain...<br />
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Spring is coming now, with more little moments of joy that I do my best to always appreciate...daffodils and fresh coffee... <br />
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Since the exam finished (Thursday), I've been enjoying having a little breathing space. I had a fun night out at coalition (secret discotheque with its cheesy 90s music never fails to deliver - even to someone who dislikes clubbing as much as I do!) then took an amazing trip to London last night and went on the London Eye - such an incredible view with the lights of the city all around...<br />
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I'm so looking forward to church tomorrow, and seeing my babies again - plus going back 'up North' on Monday just in time for flying to France on Wednesday with Shereen to visit my Maddy and do some skiing for a week...so exciting.<br />
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I still fight a daily battle, but my hope's growing all the time that it won't always be this way. I need to trust and appreciate the incredible moments in my life... *standard postive blog post ending*<br />
Over and out.Anna.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09197467719467643622noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3845259858102256555.post-58085407190637995722013-02-20T08:59:00.001+00:002013-02-20T19:39:44.905+00:00moving on from a bad day...yesterday was horrible. Completely horrible. So many things were just a huge challenge and in general I was fairly overwhelmed by workload and stressload and bad news from home etc. I was mostly coping outwardly, then in the afternoon I had GP placement so I hoped it wouldn't be too stressful or difficult and tried to look forward to it...I had missed the workshop a few weeks ago when we looked at the cardiovascular examination, and the GP in charge of me was aware of that (I said straight away) and made me do it anyway - but I just had no idea. Doing that on a real patient, who was already quite upset because of the nature of her visit just made me feel awful - I didn't want to mess her around, and I was going into the examination blind - having just watched a video about the procedure a few weeks ago. I managed to fumble through it - obviously unsure - but she was patient and lovely about it all. I was so unbelievably relieved to have finished, and managing to hold things together to get through to the end of placement (we had about half an hour left) until ten minutes later he made me do it again. I actually declined verbally several times but he wouldn't take no for an answer. I'm honestly so proud that I didn't cry in front of the patient - I came so, so close. Just managed to keep outwardly mostly composed...only by grace!<br />
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In that kind of a situation, I don't cope very well. My confidence is quite shaky, and I can be very 'all or nothing' with my thinking, so when I'm in a position of being pushed beyond what I genuinely believe my limits are, I can go into shutdown. My whole mind just fills up with <i>how much of a failure I am, how awful I must be in every way, that I should just hide away from everyone in the shame of being such a horrible person and such a mess...</i> Once my head's full of all that going on to that extent, I just can't function properly and aspects of the situation I would usually be okay with just fall apart, and it all becomes a cycle again. I hid out in starbucks and listened to a song (which I'll post at the end) over and over...it was a real blessing to get that space.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOOnjLCWtaN-l3onSBKlGMaY6cbrSbrAaKRiqnrKs7-zgi4noO-5yoWTyTo_xOISphmYqBj-yPxtZaMT3YxI13rkb7ODn8gXY8bMkix6HEetN2SkFpRJFW7Gb7HsHEN06C04JzzR-YSBLO/s1600/IMG_2941.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOOnjLCWtaN-l3onSBKlGMaY6cbrSbrAaKRiqnrKs7-zgi4noO-5yoWTyTo_xOISphmYqBj-yPxtZaMT3YxI13rkb7ODn8gXY8bMkix6HEetN2SkFpRJFW7Gb7HsHEN06C04JzzR-YSBLO/s320/IMG_2941.JPG" width="240" /></a> <br />
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I then went to team night at church, feeling pretty rubbish. Held it all together there (very challenged though to make a huge decision that is not at all easy about my life - more on that one later..) but when I got home I was just overwhelmed by self-destructive thoughts and skipped the second half of my meal plan for the day, then made myself sick (totally pointlessly even in terms of food).<br />
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I then spent some time on the phone to a friend who said something very useful:<br />
<i>'we all have a level of stress that we can take - except my 'bar' is constantly filled halfway because of my eating disorder and all those thoughts and emotions that I constantly have to work through in the background that most other people don't. Because of that, I can go beyond my limit maybe more than other people - but that's totally to be expected, and I shouldn't beat myself up about it. It is how it is, and it won't always be that way...'</i><br />
True: so reasonable, and so true.<br />
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Looking at the situation this morning, I can see the facts so much more clearly:considering I had missed a workshop and not learned or practiced properly, and I actually probably did quite well. I'm good at building relationship with patients and was kind to them and hopefully able to put them at ease. I managed to take her blood pressure (which I'd only ever done once before on a fellow student) and remember most aspects of the examination.<br />
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A bad day is a bad day. It was horrible; it was painful; I messed up; I made mistakes. But I'm human. God's grace is more than enough for me - <u><i>more</i> than enough</u>.I have a presentation this morning that I've not had time to prepare; my kitchen is a mess because of flatmates not tidying up their dirty plates/pans etc (and I promised not to clean other people's things - as much as I like to); I'd really quite like to not follow my meal plan today. All these things cause me lots of anxiety but <u>today is a new day. His grace is sufficient</u> and <u>He loves me</u>, despite everything.<br />
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Off I go! This is the song that helped me survive yesterday:<br />
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<br />Anna.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09197467719467643622noreply@blogger.com0