moving on from a bad day...

yesterday was horrible. Completely horrible. So many things were just a huge challenge and in general I was fairly overwhelmed by workload and stressload and bad news from home etc. I was mostly coping outwardly, then  in the afternoon I had GP placement so I hoped it wouldn't be too stressful or difficult and tried to look forward to it...I had missed the workshop a few weeks ago when we looked at the cardiovascular examination, and the GP in charge of me was aware of that (I said straight away) and made me do it anyway - but I just had no idea. Doing that on a real patient, who was already quite upset because of the nature of her visit just made me feel awful - I didn't want to mess her around, and I was going into the examination blind - having just watched a video about the procedure a few weeks ago. I managed to fumble through it - obviously unsure - but she was patient and lovely about it all. I was so unbelievably relieved to have finished, and managing to hold things together to get through to the end of placement (we had about half an hour left) until ten minutes later he made me do it again. I actually declined verbally several times but he wouldn't take no for an answer. I'm honestly so proud that I didn't cry in front of the patient - I came so, so close. Just managed to keep outwardly mostly composed...only by grace!

In that kind of a situation,  I don't cope very well. My confidence is quite shaky, and I can be very 'all or nothing' with my thinking, so when I'm in a position of being pushed beyond what I genuinely believe my limits are, I can go into shutdown. My whole mind just fills up with how much of a failure I am, how awful I must be in every way, that I should just hide away from everyone in the shame of being such a horrible person and such a mess... Once my head's full of all that going on to that extent, I just can't function properly and aspects of the situation I would usually be okay with just fall apart, and it all becomes a cycle again. I hid out in starbucks and listened to a song (which I'll post at the end) over and over...it was a real blessing to get that space.



I then went to team night at church, feeling pretty rubbish. Held it all together there (very challenged though to make a huge decision that is not at all easy about my life - more on that one later..) but when I got home I was just overwhelmed by self-destructive thoughts and skipped the second half of my meal plan for the day, then made myself sick (totally pointlessly even in terms of food).

I then spent some time on the phone to a friend who said something very useful:
'we all have a level of stress that we can take - except my 'bar' is constantly filled halfway because of my eating disorder and all those thoughts and emotions that I constantly have to work through in the background that most other people don't. Because of that, I can go beyond my limit maybe more than other people - but that's totally to be expected, and I shouldn't beat myself up about it. It is how it is, and it won't always be that way...'
 True: so reasonable, and so true.

Looking at the situation this morning, I can see the facts so much more clearly:considering I had missed a workshop and not learned or practiced properly, and I actually probably did quite well. I'm good at building relationship with patients and was kind to them and hopefully able to put them at ease. I managed to take her blood pressure (which I'd only ever done once before on a fellow student) and remember most aspects of the examination.

A bad day is a bad day. It was horrible; it was painful; I messed up; I made mistakes. But I'm human. God's grace is more than enough for me - more than enough.I have a presentation this morning that I've not had time to prepare; my kitchen is a mess because of flatmates not tidying up their dirty plates/pans etc (and I promised not to clean other people's things - as much as I like to); I'd really quite like to not follow my meal plan today. All these things cause me lots of anxiety but today is a new day. His grace is sufficient and He loves me, despite everything.

Off I go! This is the song that helped me survive yesterday:

ten thousand reasons...

This morning I had a good devotional time, something I've not been too great at keeping up the last week or so - things have got seriously, seriously busy around here with exams every Monday (goodbye weekends, which are now basically made up of revision and stress), module essays due in, lectures all day/every day

Today I am going to make good choices. I'm not going to be perfect - because I'm not perfect, and I never will be. I'm flawed and broken and a little bit rubbish - but actually that's okay. God is perfect and whole, and He takes my attempt at a day that glorifies Him and uses it for my good, and the furthering of His kingdom (good old Romans 8:28), so why should I be afraid of this day and the imperfections it'll inevitably include?

today I choose to:

• eat 3 meals and 3 snacks 
• go to medical CU and the main uni CU in the evening, despite being behind with my reflective essays
• phone the eating disorder clinic and ask why I haven't heard from them in 2 weeks/had my meal plan sent through yet
• go to my lectures but be kind to myself in my expectations with them
• accept the special consideration I've been offered for today's exam...pride is just silly!

 This week has been rough, but I was so happy on Saturday morning at the blueness of the sky, and the chance to play guitar and chill....beautiful moments and flamingo plasters are lovely...

Sunday was also massively blessed - it was hard, yes. I struggled and failed and cried. But the morning service doing the babies was gorgeous. This little girl was crying, and the worship was being piped up to our room so I decided to dance with her - I gave her a rattle thing and we danced and sang and I rocked and she rattled to '10,000 reasons'...then she snuggled in. Major cute points. Still jigging and rattling until I heard a crash and felt the rattle hit the floor near my feet - she fell asleep on me, and stayed fast asleep through the rest of the music and my singing. When it finished I kept singing to her - 'like an avalanche' and 'your love reaches' a cappella. Beautiful, precious moments!

 

 Then I went along to the evening service to worship - for the first time in a couple of weeks (due to snow/stress/Monday exams) and the worship and teaching was incredible. God really spoke to me through the song '10,000 reasons' as I worshipped - with the line 'sing like never before': each time we worship, we truly should sing like never have before - because each time, God has blessed us in more ways than the last time we worshipped - He's constantly just pouring love onto us, whatever else is going on. So each time we come to praise Him, there are new reasons to do so. Amazing. God is just incredible!

 I found this picture the other day, from the first weekend I was at uni and we went on a night out as a flat. At the time, I remember feeling fat - in fact, I didn't put this particular picture on facebook because I thought I looked 'too big' in it. But now I think I look so gorgeous! So well, glowing and healthy ('well' is not a word I'm friends with, but it's true - and it's a good thing!).

As opposed to now...I'm kind of sick of looking exhausted and pale all the time, and my hair being so thin that it just looks stupid when I straighten it so it's either frizzy or totally flat...don't even get me started on outfit choices - total nightmare.

I want recovery. I want recovery. I want recovery.

I want to worship God with my life, through my daily choices that glorify Him.

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