Soul '13

I've recently returned from Soul Survivor week B '13!

It was honestly so amazing to see my young people again! They truly are an incredible group, and spending time with them makes me into a better version of myself. I forgot how positively I feed off their energy: how happy it makes me when the lads rugby tackle me and throw me up in the air or the girls ask to go for a coffee and a pray. It was really special this week to be able to reawaken that ‘youth work’ side of myself that I’ve missed while I’ve been at uni.

In terms of the sessions etc, I found it all very hard.

In the worship, I was able to fully connect and worship during the ‘looking up’ sections – singing about God’s beauty and majesty; but as soon as songs or lyrics about freedom and how we’re now living in fullness etc came on, the guilt started taking over. We did communion on the final morning and I was lost in a horrible mental cycle of ‘bread and wine argh…did I really just think about calories when remembering how Jesus went through the ultimate in pain and separation from God for me?!...I’m an awful Christian, selfish, disgusting…I’m fat…argh calories in bread and wine *cycle begins again*’. Guilt acrobatics are never nice. 

I’m very thankful to my lovely Laura, who is just completely and utterly wonderful. She was at Soul Survivor on first aid team and we managed to get some time together on her breaks/through me sneaking to the first aid post in the big top to have a hug. I texted her in communion like ‘argh what do I do?!’ and she told me to come to her, got stood down and prayed and cried with me. That’s real friendship…

I didn’t have a ‘breakthrough moment’ in the standard Christian festival respond-to-a-call-and-go-up-for-prayer-and-cry-and-shake-and-pass-out-in-the-Holy-Spirit way, and actually I’m pleased about that. That, more than anything, shows me that God knows my heart. He knows that I approach His throne best in the quiet stillness of an empty room; He’s gentle and tender and loving. One afternoon, I took the opportunity of most of the young people being at seminars to sneak off to one of the on-site coffee shops. I had picked up and bought a book, ‘God on mute’ by Pete Grieg (which I’ve been meaning to read for years but is particularly appropriate now) so took my book and my notepad/Bible, and curled up by my phone charger with a diet coke. One chapter talked about how a woman had written a brutally honest letter to God after miscarrying her twin boys, which inspired me to try to be honest myself.

 I wrote my own letter, admitting I was scared and lost and would really quite like God to intervene in this situation. I expressed my frustration, doubts and hopelessness and asked Him again for His presence.

It was ridiculous how much difference just trying to articulate to God what I was feeling made – as opposed to running away. I felt more able to worship afterwards and even found myself starting to automatically pray for people and situations again…it was like my connection to Him had opened up a little and I’m very thankful for that.

‘God on mute’ has really challenged me this week - and I've not even finished it yet! I hope I can continue to learn from it and, as I move into a more convincing acceptance of this season I'm in, continue to engage the silence...