Laying it down

'Lay it Down', by Jaci Velasquez

Verse:
I've been looking till my eyes are tired of looking
Listening till my ears are numb from listening
Praying till my knees are sore from kneeling on the bedroom floor
I know that you know that my heart is aching
I'm running out of tears and my will is breaking
I don't think that I can carry the burden of it anymore
All of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans,
Are slowly slipping through my folded hands

Chorus:
So I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna learn to trust You now
What else can I do
Everything I am depends on You
And if the sun don't come back up
I know Your love would be enough
I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go,
I'm gonna lay it down.

Verse:
I've been walking through this world like I'm barely living
Buried in the doubt of this hole I've been digging
But You're pulling me out
I'm finally breathin' in the open air
Oh, This room may be dark but I'm finally seeing
There's a new ray of hope, and now I'm believing
That the past is past, and the future's beginning to look brighter now
Oh, cause all of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are safe and secure when I place them in Your hands

Chorus:
So I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna learn to trust You now
Oh what more can I do,
Everything I am depends on You
And if the sun don't come back up
You know Your love will be enough
I've gotta let it be, I've gotta let it go,
I've gotta lay it down
I've gotta lay it down
I'm gonna lay it down.

This song has been a great source of strength for me over the last couple of days - I've still not heard anything from any of my universities, and everyone I know who's also applying for medicine has at least one interview. It just makes me feel inadequate and a little bit unwanted - I got a really high UKCAT, straight As and was told my personal statement was really good, so what's wrong with me? All though the application process, I've been reminding myself that failure to get in anywhere doesn't mean that I wouldn't be a good doctor - just that God has a different plan for my life.



When I pray 'Your will be done', I mean it, even if it means I have to face rejection in the coming months - it's worth it to follow His path for my life and live it to the full, in the way that I can only with God's dreams and not just mine :) Yeah, it's hard. It hurts sometimes, and there are days like this when close friends get interviews at unis you applied to and you have to push down that sick feeling in your tummy and celebrate with them, because that's the way it's right to act. And when they say 'it'll be you soon' and keep asking if you're okay, you have to say 'yes', even when it's not totally true, because it's not fair to put that burden you have on them... Some evenings, like this one, I have to come home and cry a little with above song on, because you can't do so in front of anyone else. I just had to pretend to my parents that only a few people had got interviews because I didn't want them to see how close I am to failing them, but there's always an antidote to these things: one of those showers so hot they raise welts on your skin, and wash the tears off your face. After that, I'm not lying when I say I'm okay - I feel fresh and ready to pull together again.



All this uncertainty, all this worry and fear of failure, is so worth it. I know that underneath - God knows exactly what He's doing so I can place it all in His hands.