a mad Summer....

I thought last year's Summer was crazy. Well, crazy busy took on a new definition this Summer!
I've had an amazing few weeks though. Each holiday deserves its own post, but I know I'll never get around to that so I'll try to summarise a bit now: started off with camping in Devon with Maddy and her family - surfing lots.
 
 

Then to MCYC Inters 2, where I was stretched in new ways. I had an amazing group of girls (go the White Knights!) who were such a blessing...they were clingy and loving, and I was so honoured to be able to do my best to teach them more about the God who made them and adores every inch of them.




Highlights were definitely bribing my girls to be quiet at night by singing/playing each room in turn Brooke Fraser songs, and just seeing all of the campers worship. I've never met a group of kids who were so keen to sing - honestly. They were amazing...I'll never forget the way they filled up that rec room with enthusiastic 'oo-oo-oo-oo-ooo' between each verse of 'You're Beautiful'. Wow.


Soul Survivor was next, bringing new challenges and many more blessings. It was definitely hard work - especially still fighting the exhaustion of literally no recuperation time between that and MCYC. Being pastorally responsible for a group at such an emotive and challenging event was draining, but it was also brilliant to be able to see how God was working in the young people. The worship party on the last night was SO much fun as well...I don't think I've ever danced so much in my life, but being surrounded by our young people jumping up and down with enthusiasm for God was a definite energy boost...good times!



One of our young people made a video of our time at Soul which sums things up pretty well!

 

Next was momentum...Maddy and I stayed on for the weekend after Soul to go to the first half of momentum which was fun as well.  We were sooo tired and drained and just a bit stressed out by then, so I don't think we fully appreciated the opportunities we had to learn and grow, but it was good to get the chance to worship in our own space.

I also was so moved by the most amazing talk that Danielle Strickland did on overcoming fear. It was so relevant to me, and I know the notes I took and the insight I gained from it will continue to have an impact on me as I develop and grow. 

She focused a lot on 2 Timothy 1:7 " For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." 

Something I found really valuable as well was her point that overcoming cannot just be mind over matter. It has to be a revelation of who God is in our spirit - how truly incredible He is; how much He truly loves us.  So true. <3 span="span">

Next up was Day Camp: working at HCBC to run a camp for 6-12 year olds, 8am-6pm each day. We got back from Momentum at 2am on Monday morning, and had to be at Day Camp for 8am so the exhaustion continued...it was a brilliant week though. The kids were a lot younger than the age we generally work with but I loved interacting with the younger ones and found the week so rewarding.
The staff times (morning and evening) were fuelling which was really good. We had worship, a challenging message each morning and prayer times - including prayer circles when we prayed for the people on our left and right, then massage chains as well!

Thursday night of Day Camp was also our leaving party - 5 of us (we 3 interns plus Shereen and Jon) were leaving the youth work, so we had a surprise BBQ and water fight/slide-fest before heading into the main hall, where we were given cards. We also each had a person who did a short talk on us and our gifts/futures etc...Amy did mine and was so lovely. Then we all formed a circle and got prayed for by our friends and young people. Amazing. The family feeling here is just unbelievable - even now, thinking about it makes me well up. How can I be this blessed?!

This post has become epic, and I need to do some tidying and sorting tonight. But wow, what a Summer. It's been very hard at times and exhausting, but I honestly am so, so thankful for the opportunities I've had and the people I've been able to share it with.

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those moments....

Compared to recent months, I've had a lot of 'those moments' over the last couple of weeks. Moments of pure joy; moments when I feel excitement for the future and a real desire to open a new chapter; moments when I know God is using me and blessing me...and in those moments, food and weight just don't matter any more... It's such a brilliant realization when I've just had one - like a second of surprise...'wow, I feel free'. There have been hard moments too - panics, fears, tears and anxiety, but 'those moments' give me motivation to keep pushing towards full recovery, and remind me why I'm doing this when I have those days when I just want to throw in the proverbial towel and go back to the ED.

 Because, in 'those moments', eating disordered thoughts and behaviours take a back seat to the beauty of life, and the excitement for the future, and the enormity of who my God is...

Last Saturday night (12th May), I was unexpectedly off work, and Maddy, Matty and I (in the midst of varnishing her floor for her new room) decided to go on a spontaneous bike ride. We grabbed a rucksack, batteries for the ipod speakers and three bottles of pear cider and set out on our goal of chasing the sunset to the canal....

it was one of those moments.I was so, so happy. With two of my favourite people, knowing that we were going to London to learn and grow and just enjoying the Spring evening, music and beauty around us...

Sadly, the sunset beat us there, but luckily we didn't mind. It was such a fun night.

and while I was worried about the calories in the cider, I felt freer than I have for a long time, and like there was actually space in my mind to take in the joy and the freedom that I am entitled to. It was amazing.

Then on Monday, we as team IMPACT! (me, John, Maddy and Matty) headed down to London at 3am for the HTB Leadership Conference. Maddy and I initially weren't going to go because it was so expensive, until a last minute ridiculously cheap deal came along...and I somehow managed to wangle it off work. Definitely a God thing.

I was so challenged by the conference - it was a bit of a teaching overload at times, but so so inspiring and the worship and fellowship was incredible. I learned lots and lots, but the main thing I felt that God was saying to me was that I need to aim less for perfection, but more for authenticity. This is relevant in every area of my life, but particularly in my youth work - I feel like I need to more vulnerable in terms of the youth which is scary, but important. In my supervision the other day I spoke to John about it (and we had our first conversation relating to my eating disorder, which has kind of been the 'elephant in the room' in previous supervisions!) and I'm going to try to slowly find more of a balance...I know I need to be more honest about my struggles in my leadership - in order to be an authentic example, it's SO important to break the culture of the 'stained glass masquerade'...it's so scary, but I know God's got it covered and I'm looking to Him for guidance with how to go about this...

^ we've been blessed by amazing times with our youth and children the past couple of weeks...the things I've been learning have made me re-realize how huge the investment we need to be making in the younger ones - they're going to keep going, and we need to equip the next generations...a huge responsibility, but one we don't have to handle on our own. Oh, God is ridiculously good.

I'm going to go and finish my lunch now because, whether I'm hungry or not, and however little I want to eat it today, it's the way to create more of 'those moments' for myself in the next days and weeks... I'll leave with a quote that meant a lot to me at the conference

"Humility isn't about denying our strengths - it's recognizing and being honest about our weaknesses..."

What is recovery to me?

I started this as a kind of spider diagram (but without the lines because they make things look way too messy!) page for inspiration in my journal: What does recovery mean to me?

I've been thinking about this a lot lately...some people seem to think that being recoverED instead of recoverING happens when suddenly everything in your life is perfect and happy. That's a lovely idea, and the prospect of things being perfect is obviously extremely appealing but, in reality, life is never going to be perfect. I know that things won't be perfect until heaven - and I'm actually very much okay with that because I know that that place of total intimacy with God will be so worth all of the pain of this earth. But where does that leave me in terms of defining recovery and being recovered?

I read somewhere that being recovered means that you have the ability to deal with the disappointments in life in a healthy way, and I find that idea a lot more realistic than the 'everything being perfect' view of recovered. But that's not enough...

So here are some of the things that recovery means to me:

• Living life in all its fullness (John 10:10)
• Letting go of being obsessive and over-controlling
• Being healthy enough to do all the things I'm meant to do.

• Working through my problems instead of punishing myself for them
• Offering myself to God as a living sacrifice (Romans 12:1)

• Knowing that negative thoughts and feelings don't have to lead to negative actions
• Going out for meals with the people I love and enjoying the company, flavours and textures without anxiety over calories/fat/weight

 Trusting God with EVERY aspect of my life

To me, my goal of being recovered isn't about a number on the scales that shows I'm healthy; the ability to be comfortable eating healthy amounts or even reaching the point where restricting/making myself sick isn't something I'd ever desire. Yes, those are all part of it but overall I'm aiming for a wholeness that comes from trusting entirely in God, and a new recognition of who He is - and who I can be as a result of that...

I'm not there yet - to be honest, I'm only just setting out on getting there when I think about it in perspective, but every day, making the right decisions inches me closer to being recovered. And best of all, I know that on those days where I fight and fight and struggle to move forward at all, God will carry me.

It's all about surrrender...


"as long as we're trying to save ourselves, He can't save us" <3

my path is planned

The last week or so has been very busy again...I've been doing lots of travelling around and about, and catching up with my Mads!


In terms of IMPACT!, I really am loving work at the moment. Having Maddy back has taken some pressure off so I feel a lot freer in what I'm doing, and am loving spending time with the youth and showing them how much I love them! They make me smile!

I led the second 'small groups' session on Sunday night, and it was the first talk I'd had to give to experienced/more mature questions...I forgot a lot of what I wanted to say in the nervousness of the situation but it went well and I was very encouraged by my amazing youth and equally amazing collegues...I'm SO BLESSED to be surrounded by so much love. Wow. 

I also had a doctor's appointment yesterday - I had finally built up the courage to ask for more help with this, knowing that I'm reaching my limits in terms of experienced support and resources to keep moving forward...I've come SO far since this relapse, but in order to pursue complete recovery, I know that I need to be brave and ask for more specific help...

 I went in to see the GP, managed to tell her everything. She calmly asked lots of questions and wrote down my answers, then essentially told me it was up to me to challenge my thought processes. She gave me a leaflet on mental health and said to come back in a month or so to track how I was doing... 

I smiled and thanked her, but left upset, frustrated and triggered: I knew from the things she said that she just didn't understand. She'd read in textbooks and studied treatment pathways and looked at case studies, but none of that means that she knows what it's like to be in this position...and I'm not saying that every doctor has to have had an eating disorder to treat patients successfully, but I just knew that she had no idea what it feels like and couldn't understand what I was saying...and in a way I drew comfort from that. As frustrating as it was, it made me realise that if I were the one sitting on the other side of the desk, I'd know some of the right words to comfort; I'd see through a patient's bravado and know how much their struggles were impeding on their life. 

Having always thought I'd specialise in paediatrics in terms of physical disease or injury if I make it as a doctor, I'm now leaning towards psychiatry, whether paediatrics or adults. I don't have to make any decisions anytime soon, but specializing in eating disorders would be so amazing, although a huge challenge in so many ways.

 Luckily, I know that God has planned my path: He's planned my deliverance from this and He's planned how He'll use everything I learn for my good and His glory <3 

I'm trying to allow myself to celebrate my progress more this week: From my increasing ability to see food in terms of nourishment as opposed to calories...:  

...to random moments that make me laugh hard, and create memories of everyday fun!

I have so much to be thankful for. I'm surrounded by love and my God is so good... While there continue to be struggles, I'm learning from them all the time. I know that God has already planned my total deliverance from everything and that's such a huge comfort...

Ups and downs

Yesterday's Monday photo:

Everything has continued to be very mixed in terms of how I'm doing, but I've learned a lot even in the past few days...

On Friday, I was so blessed by being able to help out with the Booth family moving house. It was AMAZING to see 12 or more people from the church family taking time off work; bringing their trailers and cars and cleaning materials to help with the move...it made me so proud, again, to be part of that family where people are self-sacrificial and draw together to help each other out... It was hard work (I did LOTS of lifting and shifting) but a really good day!


Saturday brought my first shift as a care worker...and I LOVED it. It's so rewarding to feel like you're genuinely making a difference to people and their trust and vulnerability is humbling.

It’s also made me so thankful for how able bodied I am. I see these people who are incontinent, bedbound and completely relying on others for things I would totally take for granted like having a drink of water or wiping a running nose… It’s made me realize, too, how precious this body I have is, and how fragile really – the thought of getting old and infirm scares me, so I really do need to take care of this body and keep it as strong and healthy as I can.

This Sunday morning (11th) I led worship, with my guitar, for the first time ever! I cheated by not plugging it in but, still!

We did 'Heart of Worship'; 'Hiding Place'; 'Our God'; 'The Stand' and 'How great'. I started off the first song with a prayer which felt really right and I felt really comfortable saying which bits we were doing and leading etc in a way I wouldn’t have done before getting so much more confident in Africa…it felt very natural!
Also, I really feel like my heart was in the right place with it. Like, I prayed that morning that it really didn’t matter if I even ended up playing/singing and truly meant it - I was pushing out of my comfort zone for God's glory and not my own...and God blessed my inadequate efforts! He really is good. Always.

Onward and upwards...I'm continuing to be blessed by time with our worship group (our second monthly meal was last night and it was fantastic!); recipes from my Dad (e.g. dried fruit goo as I like to call it) and my amazing support network.





Today I have a scary but necessary step to make - tell my parents about my relapse. I've typed them out a letter, and I'm going to leave it for them when I go out this evening. I'm terrified, but determined, and trusting God in this.

p.s It's decision-time for medicine...and I'm confident I'm going to go for it!

for Your glory...

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

This week is challenging but rewarding; hard but exciting. Things with food have been really difficult and there have been lots of tears and 'I can't do this' moments but, at the same time, it's been a big week for me in terms of everything else...

I ended up leading a music practice on Monday...on my guitar as well as singing! It was the first time I'd played plugged into the system ever and was very scary and daunting, but I'm proud of the way my confidence has improved...even if I did rip my poor fingers apart a bit!


Last night, at IMPACT! youth group, I also did a talk for the first time! I started off by testing them on their geography knowledge, spoke a bit about South Africa and focused on God's plans, the rewards of putting our trust in Him and Jeremiah 29:11.

It went really well - the group who never ever listen actually quietly and respectfully listened (even staying quiet during a prayer!) and then clapped at the end...definitely ended yesterday on a high...

A couple of days ago I created a new ipod playlist (called 'Wholeness'), and have as a result been listening to some good music I've forgotten about. One line in 'voice of truth' by Casting Crowns stood out to me...

"the voice of truth says this is for my glory..."

and I'm reminding myself of that daily, as I do things that are difficult. While I'm tackling meals; stepping out of my comfort zone and battling thoughts in my mind...



God, I'm doing all of this for Your glory. Because I want to be healthy and strong, and able to glorify You in all the ways you have planned for me...

p.s this week's love monday:

strength in Him alone...

Last week's love Monday!:


This week has been VERY mixed. It started off really well - Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday were brilliant in terms of food and how I was feeling about everything. I met my 3 meals a day goal without exception, didn't stress too much and even managed to go clothes shopping without stressing out, to buy a proper running outfit!

I weighed myself on Tuesday and had lost a bit (despite my fears of gaining lots) and felt fit and well, full of energy and enjoyed another run


However, things went really downhill from Thursday night, when a meal I thought would be dealable with (at a friend's house, who generally eats really healthily) turned out to be pretty much worst case scenario. Definitely NOT safe foods, and it just panicked me.

Then comments and things kept stressing me out. I decided to go to Tesco to buy some healthy lunch stuff on Friday and I got really panicky deciding, because everything looked like it contained too many calories. It sounds ridiculous but I just left on the verge of tears and cried all the way around Maisie's walk. A definite low point, but I'm sure things will get better.

Yesterday, at the New Wine women's conference the speaker made this amazing point that resonated so strongly with me:
God uses EVERY situation and season of our lives to draw us into a deeper love for Him. Although we might not have chosen particular chapters, He uses all of them so that in our weakness, we might find our strength in Him alone.


I'm continuing to be open with people, I have actually still managed to stick to 3 meals a day always, despite my recent struggles, and I know I have an amazing support network. My God is able and I know I will overcome...

three meals a day

This week's 'love Monday' picture became a 'love Thursday' photo because of Monday's drama...and Thursday was a beautiful day for it:

The end of this week included a pancake party as part of our 'Girls' Night' programme, which was a brilliant time of fellowship for us with our beautiful girlies. We had lots of fun experimenting with different pancakes!:



I'm really pushing myself the last couple of days. I need to get out of this hole I'm falling back into.

On Wednesday night I had my now-usual meeting with Amy. She was as amazing as ever, but somehow I left feeling a bit low. It just felt like we were going around in circles, discussing my behaviours and my inability to let go of what I was doing.
The session made me realize how much of this is about my perception, though. The weight I am now cannot be much more than it was over summer, which is my 'golden weight' period in my mind - I was healthy and mostly confident. But now I just feel huge still.

I said at one point 'what about if I got to my goal weight from last time (45kg) then got back up to a healthy weight?'. Which I admit is so illogical -it's obviously the eating disorder talking. and she said 'well okay, what about 40 then? nice even number...or maybe 35, then 30? that's a good balanced digit to aim for...'. It made me realize: I genuinely could be sitting in that place on her sofa at 30kg (if I was even alive at that weight) and still feel as huge as I do now, because this is about my distorted perception, not my body itself.

After Manna on Thursday, where we talked about openness with God and I realized that I feel at the minute that I don't have the right to come before God, while I'm battling against him by restricting and damaging my body...and I need to use this amazing opportunity this year to grow closer to Him. I realized, essentially, I need to make the decision to recover again. Not because I don't want to hurt others (although that's part of it), not because I'm so ill I need to, but because I want to for me - for my future; my relationship with God and to glorify Him with my whole life.

I'm pushing myself for 3 proper meals (but small portions) a day, less calorie counting, only weighing myself twice a week and no weighing food. It's a huge challenge, but I'm ready. I don't want to waste any more time - it's time to sort this out now!

Today I went for a run with Georgie and we chatted lots - I enjoyed it, and didn't feel the need to push myself too hard because we stopped when she needed to. We'll make it a weekly date and hopefully it'll help me in my recovery as well