Autumn blessings and cutting through ribs

Wow, things have changed a lot since my last post!

I've properly decided on my church here - I'm going to St Peter's, which is the HTB plant...initially I felt really guilty about doing the standard 'going to an amazing megachurch' thing, but I felt so drawn to it and actually I've realized it's not like that at all. It's not too big, very loving and the vision it has for serving the community is so good - and, although the worship and teaching is outstanding, I don't feel like I'm just 'taking in' as opposed to serving as well. On a Sunday morning I've started working with the 0-1 year olds - the service starts with kids' songs and then the parents drop their children at their various groups so they can enjoy the service without worrying:it's quite busy given that most of the babies are 6 months or younger! They're ridiculously cute though, and I'm getting reused to the attractiveness of baby sick and changing nappies! 

Then on Sunday evenings we have the student service - it's great and I love the worship! It's so nice to be regularly worshipping without the pressure of leading and I find it's really easy for me to connect with God there. I've also made some amazing friends at church and I'm already really close to one girl in particular. Oh, we also have team nights on a Tuesday evening which are pretty much small groups for students...still getting used to being in the small groups as opposed to leading them (and I'm still working on being brave enough to add to the discussion much!) but it's great for fellowship and we have worship and prayer times as well.

I'm actually feeling really close to God at the moment  - I got a book from a second hand stall this weekend and I'm starting the day using it as a prayer tool and to focus me which is amazing so far..

In terms of uni, things are still going generally well. It's quite up and down - some days I sit in lectures thinking 'oh my goodness, why am I here? I don't have a clue what this lecturer's even talking about!' but then other days I feel really engaged and surprisingly capable...I think that's probably what it's like for everyone so I'm not too worried! I had an interesting dissection session on Friday - I was much more comfortable with the whole thing than the first session, and managed to improve my perspective with the fact that I was cutting into somebody (the first time I was so scared of doing it wrong and damaging the cadaver that I didn't want to try and just watched for a lot of it). It actually made me feel so close to God - we opened up the thoracic cage and looked at all the intercostal muscles and tissues/blood vessels and it was quite hard to imagine how anyone who was seeing all of that could believe that it had all just been created through accidental evolution! I have to admit though that remembering the noise cutting through a rib made still makes me shudder: don't think I'll be heading for orthopaedic surgery anytime soon...

 I'm quite overwhelmed by work at the moment in terms of keeping on top of lecture notes and essays etc but I'm managing to maintain an A in everything we've had marked so far which is a good sign. Last night was horrible though - I got really panicky and had to go for a walk to calm down - but the fact that I was able to know when to stop trying to work and to take time out is a positive sign in itself...

 

Socially, I'm managing to get the balance with flatmates/coursemates/church friends as far as I can tell - so many lovely people here and I'm enjoying getting to know them all. I'm going to Medical CU on Monday evenings which is like a Bible study where we can connect with other Christian medics (and get tips from those who are further on in the course!), and girls' football on Friday nights, so I've met lots of new people through those as well.

 

 It was also so amazing to have Maddy and Shereen staying this weekend - I took them on a tour of Brighton and to a restaurant I discovered and love (an organic buffet place with lots of delicious vegetables and different salads/meat dishes) and we had nice chilled-out nights in catching up etc. They came to church with me on Sunday morning and absolutely loved it so it made me even more certain of my choice!

In terms of food, things have been a bit mixed lately, but I'm trying to be sensible with it all. I managed to dodge getting my weight and height measured when I registered with the GP here as well, although it was very tempting to 'have to find out' (I just estimated on the form and ticked a box saying it was totally recent and accurate, which was a bit of a white lie but the right decision I think :p). I'm also very blessed in that both of the other girls in my flat eat very substantial meals and happily snack on things like ice cream and pizza - I know I'd find it a lot harder if I felt like I was eating more than other people (although I am trying not to compare things like that) so I'm so thankful for their relaxed attitude to food. Joanna, who I've got really close to at church, also now knows that I have some issues with food and things (not really details, but we're comfortable enough with each other to be honest about struggles which is good!) which is a big step in terms of some accountability and support etc. It's so nice having a bit of back up at church when I want to turn down food I'm not comfortable with because St Peter's is super keen on morning service pastries and evening service pizza and chocolate...and it's a win/win situation for the two of us because Jo is more than happy to eat what I don't want! So it's been quite hard over the past few weeks but it's amazing to see how blessed I am by the people around me even in the way they model a healthier attitude to eating. I just need to stay motivated and try not to restrict because I find it so tempting when I'm so in control of my meals!
 

I love my flat!:

 

Already all I need

I'm in Spain at the moment, on holiday with my parents as a chance to relax and spend a bit of time with them before I go to uni. it's lovely to actually see them, but also a HUGE challenge. This is the first time I've been away with my parents since before my eating disorder began...and I'm so unused to having my food so totally in their control...

There are also none of my safe foods or brands around; we're eating pretty much all of our meals out (only one meal in the past 3 days has been at home); I don't know any of the restaurants and all the menus are in Spanish so I never really know what I'm ordering anyway. It's quite scary - and I am struggling. I'll be honest and say it's very, very hard. My anxiety is high a lot of the time and I'm stretched to the limit on appearing okay with everything.

But...God is so present in this holiday. Every time I reach that point at which I honestly don't think I can cope, He blesses me. He brings me encouragement in different way...a cute facebook message from a friend; an unexpected half hour to myself to just chill and read; a breakfast cafe that does fruit and yoghurt! (okay, it was far from my 'safe yoghurt' - so thick I could barely spoon it out, but it was still a blessing and very yummy...)

I also just discovered and downloaded an amazing new worship album by Christy Nockels. And I'm currently on the terrace, listening to 'Already All I Need' on repeat and getting a bit teary eyed...because it's so true, and it's so appropriate.

Already All I Need
'Asking where You are, Lord. Wondering where You’ve been. Is like standing in a hurricane, trying to find the wind. And hoping for Your mercy to meet me where I am. Is forgetting that Your thoughts for me, outnumber the sand. You filled the sun with morning light. You bid the moon to lead the night. You clothe the lilies bright and beautiful. You’re already all I need. Already everything that I could hope for. You’re already all I need. You’ve already set me free. Already making me. More like You. You’re already all I need. Jesus, You’re already all I need. Walking through this life without Your freedom in my heart. Is like holding onto shackles that You have torn apart. So remind me of Your promises. And all that You have done. In this world I will have trouble. But You have overcome. And every gift that I receive. You determine just for me. But nothing I desire compares with You. In Your fullness. You’re my all in all. In Your healing. I’m forever made whole. In Your freedom. Your love overflows. And carries me. You carry me'

For the rest of this holiday, I will walk in the truth of this song. I'll cling to God in every moment of fear and panic and painful stretching of my abilities to overcome and cope, because He is already all I need.

a mad Summer....

I thought last year's Summer was crazy. Well, crazy busy took on a new definition this Summer!
I've had an amazing few weeks though. Each holiday deserves its own post, but I know I'll never get around to that so I'll try to summarise a bit now: started off with camping in Devon with Maddy and her family - surfing lots.
 
 

Then to MCYC Inters 2, where I was stretched in new ways. I had an amazing group of girls (go the White Knights!) who were such a blessing...they were clingy and loving, and I was so honoured to be able to do my best to teach them more about the God who made them and adores every inch of them.




Highlights were definitely bribing my girls to be quiet at night by singing/playing each room in turn Brooke Fraser songs, and just seeing all of the campers worship. I've never met a group of kids who were so keen to sing - honestly. They were amazing...I'll never forget the way they filled up that rec room with enthusiastic 'oo-oo-oo-oo-ooo' between each verse of 'You're Beautiful'. Wow.


Soul Survivor was next, bringing new challenges and many more blessings. It was definitely hard work - especially still fighting the exhaustion of literally no recuperation time between that and MCYC. Being pastorally responsible for a group at such an emotive and challenging event was draining, but it was also brilliant to be able to see how God was working in the young people. The worship party on the last night was SO much fun as well...I don't think I've ever danced so much in my life, but being surrounded by our young people jumping up and down with enthusiasm for God was a definite energy boost...good times!



One of our young people made a video of our time at Soul which sums things up pretty well!

 

Next was momentum...Maddy and I stayed on for the weekend after Soul to go to the first half of momentum which was fun as well.  We were sooo tired and drained and just a bit stressed out by then, so I don't think we fully appreciated the opportunities we had to learn and grow, but it was good to get the chance to worship in our own space.

I also was so moved by the most amazing talk that Danielle Strickland did on overcoming fear. It was so relevant to me, and I know the notes I took and the insight I gained from it will continue to have an impact on me as I develop and grow. 

She focused a lot on 2 Timothy 1:7 " For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." 

Something I found really valuable as well was her point that overcoming cannot just be mind over matter. It has to be a revelation of who God is in our spirit - how truly incredible He is; how much He truly loves us.  So true. <3 span="span">

Next up was Day Camp: working at HCBC to run a camp for 6-12 year olds, 8am-6pm each day. We got back from Momentum at 2am on Monday morning, and had to be at Day Camp for 8am so the exhaustion continued...it was a brilliant week though. The kids were a lot younger than the age we generally work with but I loved interacting with the younger ones and found the week so rewarding.
The staff times (morning and evening) were fuelling which was really good. We had worship, a challenging message each morning and prayer times - including prayer circles when we prayed for the people on our left and right, then massage chains as well!

Thursday night of Day Camp was also our leaving party - 5 of us (we 3 interns plus Shereen and Jon) were leaving the youth work, so we had a surprise BBQ and water fight/slide-fest before heading into the main hall, where we were given cards. We also each had a person who did a short talk on us and our gifts/futures etc...Amy did mine and was so lovely. Then we all formed a circle and got prayed for by our friends and young people. Amazing. The family feeling here is just unbelievable - even now, thinking about it makes me well up. How can I be this blessed?!

This post has become epic, and I need to do some tidying and sorting tonight. But wow, what a Summer. It's been very hard at times and exhausting, but I honestly am so, so thankful for the opportunities I've had and the people I've been able to share it with.

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living to make Your name high

I just got back from a lovely holiday in Abersoch - Maddy and I went for a (much needed!) break and had a really nice time, despite the lack of surf meaning we didn't actually get to surf at all because there were never enough waves! 

 We decorated our tent with fairy lights and had access to the house that John and his family were staying in for showers/a kettle etc..it was the best of both worlds really!

Our mad-busy IMPACT! weekend also went really well! The worship on the walking day float was so much fun - it was amazing to be able to publicly declare our faith, as a band made up of ages 15-19, and sing the modern worship songs that we feel connect us to God. 'Your Name High' was our favourite - Ducky was SO amazing at it on drums that it was such a joy to play so we slotted it in as much as possible on our journey!

I managed to achieve my goals this weekend too, which I'm quite proud of myself for. It wasn't easy at all but having such clear goals and allowing no negotiation with myself meant that I could focus on the things that were really important.

However, I'm really struggling at the moment, having done so well in Abersoch (ate fish and chips/an ice cream as well as my normal healthy breakfasts and salads/sandwiches etc), because I know I've put weight on over the past couple of weeks and it feels unsafe and like things are a bit out of control.
It's so frustrating because I seem incapable of making actual progress sometimes. Since I seriously started tackling recovery since my relapse, there seems to be a bit of a pattern I follow:

1. struggle and lose weight again
2. fight really hard to pull everything back on track; tackle fears and challenge myself with food
3. put on a bit of weight (in the words of my best friend 'look better')
4. panic and want to go back to restricting
5. back to step 1

it's so hard because, looking at it like that, it seems that the issue is my motivation for recovery. and that's so not true! I want recovery so much, because to me it means wholeness and being close to God and able to do what He's calling me to do...and there is nothing more important to me than that. Complete surrender is my ultimate goal at the moment. But I will keep offering up my life, and keep trusting in God.

Philippians 2:13 'for God is working in you, giving you the desire to obey Him and the power to do what pleases Him'

Peace that transcends

This week has, thankfully, been a lot better. Not easy by any means, but better than last week. My caring shifts were much less forgiving and I'm exhausted as a result, but I've learned a lot this week again.

When I woke up this morning for another 6am shift, I genuinely could barely drag myself out of bed. Not fun, but it meant I turned to God and relied on His strength right from the start of the day. 'Lord let me do this day in Your strength and for Your glory' was my simple and repeated prayer this morning - and it worked! I feel like the past few weeks have really helped me learn to surrender more and more.

There have been lots of funny moments this week - where I've laughed until my whole body ached and my eyes were watering.

We went to see the Olympic Torch coming through Warrington, and it was amazing to spend time with some of my amazing young people - we waved and squealed and pretended to be excited because we want to make our own fun...I love how easy it is to liven up an hour spent standing in the rain!

It's good to have some of those moments back...sure, they've come alongside a lot of the other kind of moments - the anxiety, tears, 'I don't know how I'll get through the next hour' kind of moments. But I guess it's all part of life's rich tapestry....and a big mixture of emotions and situations gives us more opportunity to appreciate the present and actually live.

I had an amazing 'God experience' on Monday night as well. No-one was about for music practice so I took the opportunity to spend time in church worshipping on my own. The low evening light was so beautiful, everything just faded away and I played through songs (and actually saw real musical improvement over the session!). I got a real peace - the Philippians 4:7 peace that transcends all understanding, and felt whole again.

Yes I've made myself sick this week, yes I've stopped myself from eating what I really wanted - I've even had panic attacks and come very close to weighing myself. But while it's still frustrating that I'm not doing as well with my recovery as I feel I probably should be, my relationship with God is growing so much through my struggles! And, actually, there shouldn't be a separation between those two aspects of my life, because both are ultimately about wholeness.

Retreating...

This week has been really hard - I'm not going to lie. From Sunday, it suddenly started being a huge battle to eat again...I've not had much of an appetite and have been freaking out over what would usually be 'safe' foods. Sunday night was very teary and Monday wasn't much better...so I ran away to a field on a hill about 40 minutes away on Monday afternoon... I prayed, played my guitar, journalled and worked through a few things - it was so nice to have some space away from my 'normal life' where nobody knew me, and I felt a lot better for it.

Thankfully I've not had many hours of care work this week, which has made it fairly relaxing and given me space and time to think and employ my learned self care tactics. 

 

Tuesday was a little better, and I enjoyed a spontaneous beach trip with Maddy...my 'challenge of the day' was an ice cream which wasn't too difficult in the excitement of the moment, and we sunbathed and tried out our new bikinis....




 Wednesday evening was a bit of a disaster...I panicked over tea so decided on a super safe choice (far too restrictive to be counted as a proper meal at all really...) then didn't even manage to keep that down. Cue more tears and stress about how I was possibly going to carry on like this, but my Thursday morning prayer and chill time (when I've started fasting from technology for 12 hours as well) helped a lot.

I think I've been finding things so hard partially because I'm a bit unsure about the future again...I'm praying into it and I know God will provide and will never leave or forsake me...

I'm trying to focus on the blessing of the current beautiful weather, the people I get to spend time with and happy music. Life is so full of colour...I refuse to live a half life dictated by an eating disorder...I want life in all its fullness. That's what God wants for me as well...so I know this amazing, exciting life I should be leading in the future won't be compromised, and that's a huge comfort.

One of my favourite songs at the moment is Ben Cantelon's 'Everything in Colour':
The world comes alive
You have opened my eyes
Everything I see is in color
No more black and white
Because I've seen the light
Everything I see is in color


^ the chorus makes me so happy... <3

Easter Holidays!

Well, the Easter Holidays are drawing to a close and, while I've done absolutely nowhere near the amount of revision I should have (I haven't actually revised for a week!), I've refueled a bit and had some good days out.
Matt McGee's 18th was as good (and eventful!) as I expected - lots of people, lots of alcohol and lots of fun :D.





On the first Tuesday of the holidays, I went to Alton Towers with Georgie and her brothers. It was a really good day and we went on all the 'big rides', including Rita which I'd always been too scared to go on before...it was amazing. My favourite is definitely still Air - it really does feel like you're flying! I was thinking while on it how alive it made me feel, and then that rollercoasters should be used in eating disorder treatment - they're so good at connecting you back with sensations and your body....there's a market out there somewhere...


Another highlight was my beach trip with Maddy - we were planning to spend the day revising...then saw the beautiful sun and realised we had the car at our disposal. It took about 10 minutes for us to realise that a road trip to Wales was a good plan! Mads drove us to Talacre beach, then we decided to carry on to Conway after chilling in Talacre for a bit and had a really good day walking around the walls, eating fish and chips and pretending to be rich kids with our Jack Wills shorts and preppy hats, while being two 17 year olds in a BIG car :D.





Mads decided her dream was to drive down this particular strip of road, overlooking the sea, while listening to 'Sweet Disposition'. We did it, and it didn't fall short of expectations.


Other good times were going to see Rob Bell, learning how to parallel park in my driving lesson (and doing it perfectly first time!), watching the Royal Wedding at Maddy's while wearing tiaras and visiting baby Anabelle. I also replied to my offers yesterday - BSMS is firm and Leicester is insurance.
A song I am so addicted to at the moment is 'Grace' by Phil Wickham - it is absolutely breathtaking :) I adore it!
'cause I need eyes to be my guide, I need a voice that's louder than mine. I need hope and I need You 'cause I can't do this alone... <3

24 hour fast!

In my local area, lots of the churches are passionate about stopping human trafficking, which is happening all around us - with the 14 being the average age of a girl being trafficked as a sex slave, the reality is very shocking! Churches have been doing lots of fundraising over the last few years for the charity 'Hope for Justice', which tackles these problems, and this weekend I took part in a 24 hour lock-in and fast in order to raise money through the sponsorship of friends and family. The slogan of the charity is written on the wall of the picture below: 'Because no-one is free, until everyone is free'


We arrived at 6:30pm on Friday (I was very full after eating all the food I possibly could after college on Friday), and signed in and gave in our sponsorship forms before being taken through into the boys' and girls' dorms (the main church hall was a boys only zone from 2am to 8am and the other big room was girls only at the same times) to put our bags/sleeping bags/pillows down. We all went in minibuses and cars to Unite, a great Christian event in the town centre, before coming back and watching 'Slumdog Millionaire'. The film was carefully chosen on the basis that it was relevant to the cause we were doing the fast for and, although our stomachs were beginning to rumble by the end (12am, having not eaten since half 6), it reminded us to focus on why we were doing it.

There was another film on, but I didn't really want to watch it so went to play table football and pool with a few other people :) I was good at the table football, but I think my pool skills need a bit more practice! We went to bed at 2am, and got to sleep not *too* long afterwards!

I managed to sleep for quite a long time, considering we were sleeping on the floor in a big room full of other people making noise! In the morning, I could feel my hunger much more and felt really sick until about lunchtime, when the nausea thankfully changed into normal hunger (much easier to cope with!) We had a session of worship which helped us to focus on God - I was pleased that we sang 'I can Only Imagine' because it's such an amazing song and we rarely do it at my church!
The afternoon went quite slowly, but the nicest hour of the fast was when we were allowed out onto the church field for an hour (from 1pm to 2pm). There was a water slide but I didn't feel like getting wet, so just sunbathed with some friends and messed around in the sun:







^ these people are all so lovely, and made the afternoon really nice despite the hunger growing ever hour :)

After we were made to go back inside (it was, after all, a lock in as well as a fast!) there was a special guest waiting to talk to us: Josh from the TV documentary series 'Blood, sweat and takeaways' that was aired on the BBC about a year ago. The programme had a section about the slave trade, and how many women had to sell their bodies in order to send money home to support their families and, after meeting these women while doing the series, Josh was really passionate about the cause. We got to talk to him and he spoke about his experiences - it was really good!


There was more free time after Josh left, and we all did our own thing (I tried and failed to do revision, so ended up just chatting to a group for a while), before another worship session. This one was really special, not only because of the great songs we did (Light of the World, The Stand etc) but also because the hunger we were all feeling had a bit of a spiritual effect during worship. The last song was 'Strength Will Rise', which was amazingly relevant because, by that time, I was feeling really lightheaded and weak and the song really helped me to focus on God and the cause. I think the worship was so special because drawing on God's strength was quite necessary by then - I was a bit wobbly so standing up was getting a bit hard!

And then, after the longest 7 minutes of my life, the pizza arrived! I can imagine the Domino's delivery men must have been a little alarmed by 40ish starving teenagers pressed up against the glass and staring at the pizzas they were carrying!
After the leaders had sorted out who ordered what (the tension by this point was horrific - we were all sitting around the tables staring longingly at the pizzas they were sorting out) they put them down in front of us, and was going to share a large Haiwaiian with Kiri. Then, when everyone had got theirs (waiting took a great deal of self control!) we stood up and did the 'superman grace' ('Thank you Looordd for giving us foooood' to the tune of superman!) and then tucked in...



and, wow, that pizza was absolutely AMAZING! We ate and ate - the tables were half as loud as usual as everyone delighted in the gift that was food - wow! I got very full afterwards, but it was worth it! DELICIOUS! :D

I think the fast, while obviously raising the money for 'Hope for Justice' (so far, the group of fasters has been pledged £1,453 for the 24 hours!), I gained personally from it as well - I think I learned how much I took food for granted. I'm now trying to make sure I only eat when I'm actually hungry rather than out of greed or boredom, which will hopefully be nice for my beach body (pfffft) as well as my self control and not being so greedy!

I have a biology test tomorrow on meiosis, mitosis, DNA and haemoglobin (arghh) as well as a chemistry quantitative assesment (although I got full marks on the first attempt of that, somehow, so not worried about my mark) so I'd better go to do some preparation...
xx