surrendering for real

I've been working a lot again in terms of Bluebird, and feel like I definitely know what I'm doing in that job now...sometimes I love it - like yesterday I had a lovely tea run of single calls, where I basically made people their tea and their afternoon meds...it was so rewarding and they were all lovely to chat to and very appreciative of my efforts over presenting their food nicely etc.

However sometimes, like yesterday morning, things are not so nice with work. I had to take a lady shopping, and she was just a bit of a nightmare. I'd really hurt my back on Saturday night so wasn't thrilled to have to lift her wheelchair in and out of the back of my poor little car, and she was very rude and difficult... I know I can be oversensitive sometimes but there was no need to act the way she did and it took all of my patience to stay calm and nice with her. But as I was reminded, I'm called to love everyone - not just those who are easy to love.

After the shopping trip, I ended up finishing really late - so it was 2pm and I'd missed my morning snack and lunch, and knowing that stressed me out even more. I got really panicky in the car on the way home, and it was only Vicky Beeching's song 'Only Your Love' (which I ADORE) that kept me calm enough to keep driving....the lyrics are SO amazing

In this moment
With a heart wide open
I cry
Come and heal my life
Mercy meets me
I'm completely amazed
I'll never be the same

I am reaching out
So in need of you
Come and heal my life
Come and make me new

I felt like God was really speaking to me through the song (especially a line saying 'only You can take my fear and doubt and change me from the inside out'). Lately I've been struggling with the fact that I'm still struggling despite trying and fighting SO hard - much harder than I ever have before. I said to God "I'm trying SO hard, why do I feel like I'm not getting anywhere?!" and I was led, via Exodus 14:14 to the realisation: maybe I'm trying too hard.

Because this isn't about trying - it's about surrendering. I know that I can't do recovery in my own strength - so I need to trust God, stop fighting and just be still before Him and hand over that control. Total surrender is the only real way to healing, and I'm learning that day by day.

I have a new thing about colourful food...I'm still trying to work out if it's a good thing or not, but I'm making sure it acts as one at the moment! The more colourful my meals are, the better and that goes along with eating healthily which is good - and I'm actually really comfortable eating that kind of a meal, so that helps a lot day to day. I'm guarding against it becoming a restrictive thing by challenging my current aversion to beige foods, but generally enjoying pretty and bright meals!

I'm also enjoying catch ups over cocktails, and the opportunity to have my house to myself at the moment....

Time for another shift now, but remembering that I do NOTHING in my own strength. I'm going to stop trying so hard and start surrendering, and that's my goal for every aspect of my life this week...

work, work and self-care

Love Monday, number 9:


okay, so this week has been absolutely crazy! my contract with the caring company to work 20-25 hours a week somehow turned into my working 40 hours, including 10 hour days without a proper break and being asked to perform tasks I haven't actually been trained in...

using the word 'stressful' would be an understatement but, actually, I'm quite proud of how I've coped this week...my long shifts and stressful experiences with work would have been great excuses to restrict (making time to eat anything was a genuine challenge) but I was sensible and took care of my body in that sense...


and this morning, having done an exhausting few days' routine of getting up at 5am, working through till 5pm then heading to chat and chill/IMPACT! youth group/Rock Solid, I made the decision not to go to WASC so I can spend the time until I start work (doing 2:30pm-11pm today) relaxing and catching up with things like washing and emails... Admittedly, it was very much related to my skype pinkie promise to Maddy that I would try to rest, but it was still ultimately my choice, and I see it as a step forward in terms of self-care.

My bedroom window is open and I can smell Spring flowers. Soon, I'm going to potter downstairs and make some 'dried fruit goo', put some washing on and play my guitar and spend some time with God. I'm thankful for beautiful weather, a house to myself and a lazy morning today. Because, in terms of my recovery, there is absolutely nothing 'lazy' about this morning. It is good, it is needed, and I refuse to feel guilty about it.

Finding a new routine...

Home is definitely my 'new normal' again at this point - I've caught up with most of my friends; been to church 3 times and settled back into a routine of music practice, WASC and my other old activities as well as new ones...



My weekly schedule is becoming clear, and I’m throwing myself into this IMPACT! job. It’s so exciting and I can tell I’m going to learn and grow a lot through doing this – I only hope I can do the role justice, because I’m realizing the level of responsibility involved and it’s challenging, but in a good way. At the end of last week (4th-6th January), the 4 of us that now make up the team (trained youth worker and 3 of us as interns) went away to Northern Ireland to plan and renew the vision for the next 8 months. It was a really valuable time and we grew closer as a team as well as making a lot of progress with the planning etc…






I’m still looking for another (properly paid so I can start undoing my debts to my parents caused by South Africa) part time job, but haven’t heard anything back from the places I’ve applied yet. I’m not pushing things right now because I’m doing a theology course next week so need it free really anyway!
This week has been pretty good so far – the weekend was amazing, because I had Rock Solid and the pub with everyone (including Josh who was over for the weekend) on Friday, then back at WASC on Saturday, as well as a lovely long walk with Josh and THE BEST DAY on Sunday. Was at church from 9am, to practice music and then my gorgeous Maddy got baptized. Amazing day! The worship went so well, and Mads was fantastic in her talk…




Yesterday, Maddy and I went to Oxford for a free Spa day which was also brilliant.


I’m keen to get organizing with my new IMPACT! notebook so I’ll sign off. Also, exciting news coming up re: a car for me, and ordering my new guitar. As is obvious, I’ve decided not to worry about money in the near future, or I’ll never get anywhere!

"I'm back in (Warrington) and everything seems the same"...

I’m slowly settling into life back at home! Already, South Africa feels a bit like a distant memory, but for the first couple of days I was home, I genuinely felt like I was living in a dream. It all felt so strange and alien, and I was really homesick for the Aviva House. To be honest I’m trying not to think about it too much at the moment because I still really miss all the people and the atmosphere of the house…it’s like a completely different life so adjustment through immersing myself in the here and now is seeming like the best way to do it at the moment...

It’s so lovely to see everyone at home again though! Maddy came over on Tuesday night (I got home from the airport just after 5pm) and we had an emotional reunion on my doorstep, and I’ve been seeing more and more people for catch ups. Christmas was lovely! I just had a quiet day with my parents, with the exception of going to church and catching up with everyone (SO lovely and emotional to be back at my church…it really felt like I’d never been away).





Mum and Dad got me a surprise Christmas present of a replacement camera, and I dug out my old ipod and synced as much of my itunes to it as possible, so I feel a lot more back on track in terms of being sorting with my electronics… I also had a nice phone call with Josh (well until his signal cut out) so it was great to hear his voice again.



I was in a productive mood on Christmas afternoon/evening, so ended up taking all my stuff off my bedroom walls (it had got too cluttered) and redecorating the walls in terms of pictures and things. Before and after pictures are below! I love my new room



On Boxing Day I had a day trip with the Farrow Family (Richard, Maddy and Matthew). We went to Crosby beach and had a nice walk around, then went back to theirs for a Christmas Dinner. Richard made the most amazing duck and traditional Christmas dinner (my 2nd this year) complete with pigs in blankets and chilli broccoli…it was so good.





Boxing Day night we had a reunion trip to the London Bridge -I got to catch up with everyone over some Crabbie’s alcoholic ginger beer and hear how they were all getting on at uni/share about South Africa. It all felt very ‘full circle’ considering the last time we were there was a few days before I went away, and in a way it didn’t feel that long ago! (Jonny decided putting lemon in his eye was clever...):



I’ve also just got back from visiting Grandad in Essex. It was quite a difficult trip to be honest. The house felt so strange and empty without Grandma and I had a couple of ‘bad food days’…but it was still lovely to spend a bit of time with my parents – Dad and I did crosswords together and I had nice chats with mum on the way to Bushfair and back.




All in all, I’m slowly settling back into life at home. I’ve been handing out CVs so hopefully will have a job before long! However, I got a phone call in South Africa to ask if I’d like a part time job with IMPACT! (primarily to cover Maddy while she’s away but also until September) so I’m really excited to get started with that! I can already tell that it’ll be a busy few months, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m so thankful for the amazing opportunities and relationships I’m blessed with here and looking forward to getting into my new home routine.

Career Choices

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Over the past few days I’ve been really thinking about my career choices and have, almost without realising, done some unofficial work experience in two of the fields I’m most interested in. Last week I went into a Primary school for two days with the mother of one of my best friends who worked there (and my friend). I helped out in the nursery classroom and really enjoyed the interaction with the kids, although I confess I didn’t really feel stretched enough in that environment: I didn’t have to think enough, and really relied on instinct, which was fine too and I loved spending time with the children, but I just felt that academically the challenge of teaching Key Stage 1 was not enough for me…. However, obviously I can’t really get a full picture of the job in a couple of days so I won’t rule that path out completely as I definitely enjoyed it and my passion for working with children was reconfirmed…

On Wednesday, I went into work with my Mum, who works for St Helens Council as a director of children’s services, and spent some time exploring the child/educational psychology route. I talked to the head educational psychologist (or EP as they call themsetlves for short) and he explained more to me about what they do in detail, and what their role is in a community etc. He was really nice and didn’t patronise me at all – he spoke to me as an adult, and asked me things like whether I thought it was right to search for labels for children with difficulties, such as Autism, ADHD etc when they are not necessarily correct , helpful and/or obvious (often children display traits of several different disorders and contradict their own diagnoses etc.) which I found really interesting to talk about on an intellectual level.

I then went out with one of the other EPs to test a child with suspected ASD and ADHD. That was really interesting because I got to interact with the child on a one-to-one basis, and loved the mental challenge of logging his behaviour in my head and tracking it through to look for a pattern. The particular child I met seemed to, as I explained before, have many different traits of different disorders, so looking for a certain predominant one as he played and talked to me made me feel almost like a detective and was a very interesting concept. When we got back to the office, the EP I had shadowed (a very nice woman) showed me how to score up the WISC test the child had done and plot the results on a graph to, again, look for any pattern. She then began to write up the report for the visit which was a lot less boring than I might have imagined - it just basically described what had happened with the child from the notes we'd taken, and it was a bit like an essay so I was happy :)

Have not come to a proper conclusion still about my future job, especially as I have not yet really explored my other main area of interest - paediatrics..... Will keep thinking...