my path is planned

The last week or so has been very busy again...I've been doing lots of travelling around and about, and catching up with my Mads!


In terms of IMPACT!, I really am loving work at the moment. Having Maddy back has taken some pressure off so I feel a lot freer in what I'm doing, and am loving spending time with the youth and showing them how much I love them! They make me smile!

I led the second 'small groups' session on Sunday night, and it was the first talk I'd had to give to experienced/more mature questions...I forgot a lot of what I wanted to say in the nervousness of the situation but it went well and I was very encouraged by my amazing youth and equally amazing collegues...I'm SO BLESSED to be surrounded by so much love. Wow. 

I also had a doctor's appointment yesterday - I had finally built up the courage to ask for more help with this, knowing that I'm reaching my limits in terms of experienced support and resources to keep moving forward...I've come SO far since this relapse, but in order to pursue complete recovery, I know that I need to be brave and ask for more specific help...

 I went in to see the GP, managed to tell her everything. She calmly asked lots of questions and wrote down my answers, then essentially told me it was up to me to challenge my thought processes. She gave me a leaflet on mental health and said to come back in a month or so to track how I was doing... 

I smiled and thanked her, but left upset, frustrated and triggered: I knew from the things she said that she just didn't understand. She'd read in textbooks and studied treatment pathways and looked at case studies, but none of that means that she knows what it's like to be in this position...and I'm not saying that every doctor has to have had an eating disorder to treat patients successfully, but I just knew that she had no idea what it feels like and couldn't understand what I was saying...and in a way I drew comfort from that. As frustrating as it was, it made me realise that if I were the one sitting on the other side of the desk, I'd know some of the right words to comfort; I'd see through a patient's bravado and know how much their struggles were impeding on their life. 

Having always thought I'd specialise in paediatrics in terms of physical disease or injury if I make it as a doctor, I'm now leaning towards psychiatry, whether paediatrics or adults. I don't have to make any decisions anytime soon, but specializing in eating disorders would be so amazing, although a huge challenge in so many ways.

 Luckily, I know that God has planned my path: He's planned my deliverance from this and He's planned how He'll use everything I learn for my good and His glory <3 

I'm trying to allow myself to celebrate my progress more this week: From my increasing ability to see food in terms of nourishment as opposed to calories...:  

...to random moments that make me laugh hard, and create memories of everyday fun!

I have so much to be thankful for. I'm surrounded by love and my God is so good... While there continue to be struggles, I'm learning from them all the time. I know that God has already planned my total deliverance from everything and that's such a huge comfort...

like an avalanche

I've been absent - it's been a couple of weeks in which I've been far too busy living my life to spend time writing about it. And that's okay - I refuse to feel guilty for that. I caught up with lots of people I love, had an amazing Easter weekend of spiritual food and welcomed my beautiful Maddy home.






The final two Love Monday pictures:



It's been an amazing fortnight but it's been messy. I've had some slip ups - particularly in the past couple of days, probably because I've been rocking the boat a little and experimenting with pushing my boundaries -with meals and eating things like bits of Easter Egg.



But I've also had moments of pure joy...

Like driving in the sun with my Maddy, newly home from Canada, listening to our Summer music and going to ikea. I bought a bright green lamp, because who doesn't love bright green?!, and ate ikea meatballs. The meatballs were so good, but nowhere near as good as having Mads back and eating and feeling comfortable with her.


Like the encouragement I got after exposing myself without a music or mic stand, and sining harmonies and as the only female singer at our recent unplugged IMPACT! on Easter night.

Like spending time with Matty without the normal rush, talking about our fears and plans for the future...and him rescuing me from a dead bird that Morag brought in!


..and all the love I got from the gorgeous dog and cat while housesitting...they genuinely helped me so much in difficult moments




I'm so thankful that I belong to a God of mercy and love. Every time I mess up, I'm more determined to tell other people about this love and grace that covers me...and that God meets us where we're at. He loves us too much to leave us there, but He does meet us in the situation we're currently in. Whether that's worshipping at a Christian festival, or lying on the bathroom floor with a burning throat and blood pounding in your ears...

When I make a mistake like that, I now have a failsafe routine for the next hour or so...I drink a bottle of water and try to eat a banana to replenish my body. Then I pray and listen to 'like an avalanche' to replenish me in a far deeper way....

And I find myself here on my knees again
Caught up in grace like an avalanche
Nothing compares to this love love love
Burning in my heart

immeasurably more

This week has brought some very beautiful weather, which inspired a lovely Saturday lunch time worshipping in the sun, the breaking out of my summer dresses, fire pit and guitar times and a very Spring-like love monday picture...



As of Wednesday, I'm house/dog/catsitting for the next 2-and-a-bit weeks...and I'm very much enjoying the independence and being a dog owner! Marley is a lot of hard work - he seeks attention like a child and literally follows me from room to room (cries outside the bathroom door when I go to the toilet), but he's amazing company and such a comforting presence at the end of my bed at night.

We're having a few jealousy issues when I have to focus on things that aren't him, but getting along great :D.

Living on my own has brought its own challenges - food shopping and cooking for myself, as well as finding time to cook/eat when I'm busy and having no accountability. It's not easy but I'm proud of how I'm doing so far...

In terms of not using ED behaviours, I've carried on doing well! I'm eating very healthily (the idea of nourishing my body with the right foods is very appealing, and I actually love salads etc) but doing my best not to restrict; haven't weighed myself since 9th March and haven't been sick since 17th March... I'm still dealing with lots of thoughts and some serious anxiety (especially the last few days when I've been battling panic attacks a bit again), but I realised the gravity of my achievement with behaviours when Amy was genuinely so proud of me when we met up on Wednesday. I'm proud of myself.

I've got a mantra when I'm tempted to use bad habits: 'this doesn't glorify God, and isn't a part of my life anymore'. In that situation, I remind myself of Romans 12:1..
Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. .
So much motivation to keep going with those up my sleeve...my God is good.

I've journalled every day this week...and it's really not out of obligation which I feel is very important. Things aren't nearly as effective when I'm doing them 'because I should' or 'to try at recovery because I feel guilty if I don't'...I want to be free of this, and working through my thoughts in the form of journalling is really helping.
I'm keeping pushing forward and doing my best to surrender and place God at the centre in this.
because after all, God is him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us (Ephesians 3:20)

work, work and self-care

Love Monday, number 9:


okay, so this week has been absolutely crazy! my contract with the caring company to work 20-25 hours a week somehow turned into my working 40 hours, including 10 hour days without a proper break and being asked to perform tasks I haven't actually been trained in...

using the word 'stressful' would be an understatement but, actually, I'm quite proud of how I've coped this week...my long shifts and stressful experiences with work would have been great excuses to restrict (making time to eat anything was a genuine challenge) but I was sensible and took care of my body in that sense...


and this morning, having done an exhausting few days' routine of getting up at 5am, working through till 5pm then heading to chat and chill/IMPACT! youth group/Rock Solid, I made the decision not to go to WASC so I can spend the time until I start work (doing 2:30pm-11pm today) relaxing and catching up with things like washing and emails... Admittedly, it was very much related to my skype pinkie promise to Maddy that I would try to rest, but it was still ultimately my choice, and I see it as a step forward in terms of self-care.

My bedroom window is open and I can smell Spring flowers. Soon, I'm going to potter downstairs and make some 'dried fruit goo', put some washing on and play my guitar and spend some time with God. I'm thankful for beautiful weather, a house to myself and a lazy morning today. Because, in terms of my recovery, there is absolutely nothing 'lazy' about this morning. It is good, it is needed, and I refuse to feel guilty about it.

sunshine and Brighton

I've just got back from a really good run with Georgie on a beautiful day... We set off the afternoon in the glorious March sunshine and ran through the woods. After a couple of times around the millennium green, we stopped to lie on a bench and take in how beautiful the weather was…

…then we set off and ran some more, then got to a bank where Georgie announced she wanted to do a handstand into a crab…so we stopped amongst the daffodils at the side of a road and started trying it. It was spontaneous and fun; choosing inspiration over function… Much hilarity followed when I decided to try to copy her and flew through the air in ‘the fastest handstand ever’ until I landed unceremoniously flat on my back in the grass. But it was one of those moments I felt fully present, full of joy and just contented. I wasn’t worried about my body or weight or anything – I was just enjoying the Spring sunshine and some acrobatics. These moments are such a big recovery motivator...

This week's recovery challenge from Amy was very, very scary: I had to tell my parents about my ED relapse. They're brilliant parents and would always support me, but I have a tendency to want to protect them, and was completely desperate not to let them know I was struggling again.

I spent days agonising over how to do it and doubting I actually could. Thinking about it logically, Tuesday was the best day to leave them a letter. Knowing that wasn't too much of a comfort though, and I texted Amy saying I couldn't do it several times... Then I found my courage and typed out a confession, leaving it on the hall table before escaping in my car and driving for hours by myself around Northwich. I was so overwhelmed that all I could do was park in a leisure centre car park (late night floodlit football games were going on) and sit in my car, listening to music and crying, trying over and over to surrender how hard this was.


On Thursday, my Mum and I headed down to Brighton to look at the university accommodation and stay with an old friend of hers for 3 days. It was a good trip - a chance to spend some time with mum who I've barely seen lately.


However, it was also a BIG challenge. Food was completely out of my control and I was away from many of my usual coping mechanisms and support system, so it was a real battle at times. I kept a detailed account of food, thoughts and feelings which really helped me to process and not get as overwhelmed as I might otherwise have done...it was hard but I got through.

So at the minute I'm continuing to work through it. Some days are very hard and some are slightly easier, but things are starting to feel better... This quote is absolutely amazing:
'Our weakness is one of our greatest excuses. We may be weak, but God is strong, and He is willing to be our strength' - Joyce Meyer <3

Ups and downs

Yesterday's Monday photo:

Everything has continued to be very mixed in terms of how I'm doing, but I've learned a lot even in the past few days...

On Friday, I was so blessed by being able to help out with the Booth family moving house. It was AMAZING to see 12 or more people from the church family taking time off work; bringing their trailers and cars and cleaning materials to help with the move...it made me so proud, again, to be part of that family where people are self-sacrificial and draw together to help each other out... It was hard work (I did LOTS of lifting and shifting) but a really good day!


Saturday brought my first shift as a care worker...and I LOVED it. It's so rewarding to feel like you're genuinely making a difference to people and their trust and vulnerability is humbling.

It’s also made me so thankful for how able bodied I am. I see these people who are incontinent, bedbound and completely relying on others for things I would totally take for granted like having a drink of water or wiping a running nose… It’s made me realize, too, how precious this body I have is, and how fragile really – the thought of getting old and infirm scares me, so I really do need to take care of this body and keep it as strong and healthy as I can.

This Sunday morning (11th) I led worship, with my guitar, for the first time ever! I cheated by not plugging it in but, still!

We did 'Heart of Worship'; 'Hiding Place'; 'Our God'; 'The Stand' and 'How great'. I started off the first song with a prayer which felt really right and I felt really comfortable saying which bits we were doing and leading etc in a way I wouldn’t have done before getting so much more confident in Africa…it felt very natural!
Also, I really feel like my heart was in the right place with it. Like, I prayed that morning that it really didn’t matter if I even ended up playing/singing and truly meant it - I was pushing out of my comfort zone for God's glory and not my own...and God blessed my inadequate efforts! He really is good. Always.

Onward and upwards...I'm continuing to be blessed by time with our worship group (our second monthly meal was last night and it was fantastic!); recipes from my Dad (e.g. dried fruit goo as I like to call it) and my amazing support network.





Today I have a scary but necessary step to make - tell my parents about my relapse. I've typed them out a letter, and I'm going to leave it for them when I go out this evening. I'm terrified, but determined, and trusting God in this.

p.s It's decision-time for medicine...and I'm confident I'm going to go for it!