living to make Your name high

I just got back from a lovely holiday in Abersoch - Maddy and I went for a (much needed!) break and had a really nice time, despite the lack of surf meaning we didn't actually get to surf at all because there were never enough waves! 

 We decorated our tent with fairy lights and had access to the house that John and his family were staying in for showers/a kettle etc..it was the best of both worlds really!

Our mad-busy IMPACT! weekend also went really well! The worship on the walking day float was so much fun - it was amazing to be able to publicly declare our faith, as a band made up of ages 15-19, and sing the modern worship songs that we feel connect us to God. 'Your Name High' was our favourite - Ducky was SO amazing at it on drums that it was such a joy to play so we slotted it in as much as possible on our journey!

I managed to achieve my goals this weekend too, which I'm quite proud of myself for. It wasn't easy at all but having such clear goals and allowing no negotiation with myself meant that I could focus on the things that were really important.

However, I'm really struggling at the moment, having done so well in Abersoch (ate fish and chips/an ice cream as well as my normal healthy breakfasts and salads/sandwiches etc), because I know I've put weight on over the past couple of weeks and it feels unsafe and like things are a bit out of control.
It's so frustrating because I seem incapable of making actual progress sometimes. Since I seriously started tackling recovery since my relapse, there seems to be a bit of a pattern I follow:

1. struggle and lose weight again
2. fight really hard to pull everything back on track; tackle fears and challenge myself with food
3. put on a bit of weight (in the words of my best friend 'look better')
4. panic and want to go back to restricting
5. back to step 1

it's so hard because, looking at it like that, it seems that the issue is my motivation for recovery. and that's so not true! I want recovery so much, because to me it means wholeness and being close to God and able to do what He's calling me to do...and there is nothing more important to me than that. Complete surrender is my ultimate goal at the moment. But I will keep offering up my life, and keep trusting in God.

Philippians 2:13 'for God is working in you, giving you the desire to obey Him and the power to do what pleases Him'