Moving forward

I've, again, been ridiculously busy over the last few weeks! - catching up with people, holidays, preparing for South Africa (which is fast approaching)...

Things got worse after my last post - on Friday 12th August, my Grandma died in the hospice. I then decided it was a good idea to go to the pub as normal on the friday night and (this was the bad part of the idea...) drink more than normal as a way of escaping, that I knew from the outset wouldn't work but felt that I needed to do. It ended horrendously - with me sobbing over everyone and feeling totally and utterly in despair and too scared to go home because I didn't want to wake up and find that nothing had changed. It was a definite low point, probably the worst night of my life because that feeling of everything crumbling came into consciousness!
But the good thing about the lowest point is that things can only get better from there, and they definitely have!



On results day, I opened my 3As and an A* with happiness but also fear at the decision it means I have to make...I have my place at Brighton-Sussex med school now... Scary times! But results night was a really lovely party with some good friends...lots of fun :)


Momentum was good, but quite hard for various reasons (especially after feeling so broken so soon before). I had some amazing experiences of God while there and learned a lot from the seminars and teaching...





Since I got back, I had Grandma's funeral (which was a lovely service and made me very proud to have known such a Godly and beautifully amazing woman) and also catching up with friends before we all leave for uni/gap years...





Things have also got a lot better because, as of last Thursday (1st September), I'm going out with Josh - an amazing guy who I've known for a few years but has always been a bit 'unreachable'...I'm so happy and it's only early days, but I'm seeing what happens and enjoying the gift of such a great relationship.



So things have been mixed, but through it all God has shown His goodness, and I'm excited to see what He'll be doing next :)

April showers?

The time since I last posted has gone so quickly! In fact, I really can't believe how much 2011 is flying by....as of today I only have 10 days left in college...ever. I also got another offer from Leicester! 2 offers for medicne is 2 more than I expected :D.


Spring is most definitely here now - the daffodils have been blooming for a while now and we've had some glorious blue skies and fluffy white clouds to enjoy. It makes college so much more bearable when we can sit on the grass in the sun and chat at lunchtimes and on frees, and somehow the sun puts everyone in much better moods!




But it's also been quite a hard few weeks. The doctor's visit I mentioned in the last post was related to the fact I'd been still really struggling with food and everything, and having dizzy spells a lot of the time. The doctor said it was all stress-related, and recommended eating "little and often" rather than in big meals which I wouldn't be able to manage as easily, however I've started having panic attacks when I eat too much or overthink eating which complicates things...



But I know God's got it all in His hands, and everything's going to be okay. I have the most amazingly supportive friends, and as Maddy said a few days ago, "I can't wait for Summer when you're better and we can hang out and eat ice cream, drink cider and laugh about everything" :).

And I've had some fun times too: making pink pancakes at butterflies (as a belated pancake day celebration)and having a crazy disposable barbeque night with maddy and lexie, when we drank a lot of pimms out of a bowl and lay in hoodies looking at the stars with our feet warming on the campfire :D.




Tomorrow night I've got Matt's 18th and I'm so looking forward to it: it'll be a mixture of church friends, college friends and old school friends all together so will be lovely! I'm also off to Alton Towers with Georgie on Tuesday so I'm hopefully going to have a more exciting and fun-filled blog post next time! :D
<3

On happiness...and quacking like a duck!

I've been crazy busy since my last post! Abersoch was indeed an amazing time - we chilled; we went crabbing; we huddled around in the living and watched daytime TV; we played crazy drinking games and ran around the house in our underwear, quacking!!




I realised how lovely my group of friends at college are, truly. With the exception of Maddy, none of them are Christians, but they accept my faith so easily, as a part of me. I had some amazing drunk conversations with Shannon and Jenna (which I remember but they don't!) which opened my eyes to what genuinely nice people they are :).



While I did drink, and yes, I got a bit drunk, I don't feel guilty about it - because I know that the things I did while drunk in the most part honoured God. I didn't really do things I now regret or deny God in any way - if anything, I was more open to Him!



I also had my BSMS interview on Saturday, and fell back in love with the medical school! It went okay I think - although it's quite hard to tell with these things! To be honest, it could go either way in terms of getting an offer or a rejection so it's something I need to just trust God in. Ultimately, if I don't get in I'll be a happy midwife (or whatever else it is God wants me to do with my life!).



Lately I've been thinking some very profound thoughts - I've learned so much about life and happiness. The last few weeks have been really hard, but I can truly see the way God prepares to catch us even as we begin to fall - it's so amazing. And it's such a cliche, but the pain I've felt recently has really strengthened me. What I've learned about happiness is, whatever the situation, it can be found! What ever is going on, there'll still be God and music, and the sunrises and sunsets lighting up the sky. And, in the words of the wonderful Jaci Velasquez, 'if the sun doesn't come back up, I know Your love will be enough' <3.

Hurting and healing

"God in my laughing; there in my weeping. God in my hurting; God in my healing....be my everything" <3

Hurting
Last week was a very, very hard week. On top of the usual stress of approaching the exam period (first exam is biology on Monday...argh!), I got a letter from BSMS (Brighton-Sussex Medical School) saying I hadn't been shortlisted for interview but have been put on the reserve list so will be called to interview if they schedule another date in April sometime, however that is very unlikely considering that reserve list candidates haven't been considered for at least a couple of years due to the high quality of candidates. So I was really upset about my probable drawn out rejection, especially because I really loved BSMS on the open day.



On Friday, I also learned that my mum has breast cancer. It's treatable but still a big blow to the family and I know it's going to be a very hard couple of months while she gets treatment...
So I've been struggling this weekend a little, and whether or not it's related, have started evaluating my life - deciding lots of things that are totally opposite to what I thought I wanted. I'm very seriously considering giving up on medicine, doing midwifery instead. I'm so confused at the moment but having spoken to some good friends have decided to leave decisions like that for after this horrifically stressful few weeks, when my head's clearer...

Healing
I'm so, so thankful for God and my friends at the moment. Everyone has been so lovely to me and God has been right there this whole time. Yesterday was very hard (I talked things through with a particular friend, who made me feel so much better about the whole medicine, mum, midwifery etc situation, but thinking about it all was so emotionally exhausting), and on the way home I was just looking out of the bus window and listening to my ipod, when I looked across and saw the sunset.
It was beautiful. The sky was the most amazing array of oranges and reds with the mist rising off the fields and white plane trails set against the bright blue sky. It just summed up God's amazing power and made me feel so much better. The picture was taken on a phone out of the window of a moving coach so really doesn't do it justice, but....wow.



As I've been told over the last few days a lot, everything is going to be okay. God's got it all - He knows every thought that enters my head and promises He has plans to prosper me and not to harm me. He makes all things work together for my good. And He lit up the sky with that sunset to show His power and love. It's all going to be fine!

Psalm 18:30 - "as for God, His way is perfect. All the Lord's promises prove true. He is a shield for all who look to Him for protection"

24 hour fast!

In my local area, lots of the churches are passionate about stopping human trafficking, which is happening all around us - with the 14 being the average age of a girl being trafficked as a sex slave, the reality is very shocking! Churches have been doing lots of fundraising over the last few years for the charity 'Hope for Justice', which tackles these problems, and this weekend I took part in a 24 hour lock-in and fast in order to raise money through the sponsorship of friends and family. The slogan of the charity is written on the wall of the picture below: 'Because no-one is free, until everyone is free'


We arrived at 6:30pm on Friday (I was very full after eating all the food I possibly could after college on Friday), and signed in and gave in our sponsorship forms before being taken through into the boys' and girls' dorms (the main church hall was a boys only zone from 2am to 8am and the other big room was girls only at the same times) to put our bags/sleeping bags/pillows down. We all went in minibuses and cars to Unite, a great Christian event in the town centre, before coming back and watching 'Slumdog Millionaire'. The film was carefully chosen on the basis that it was relevant to the cause we were doing the fast for and, although our stomachs were beginning to rumble by the end (12am, having not eaten since half 6), it reminded us to focus on why we were doing it.

There was another film on, but I didn't really want to watch it so went to play table football and pool with a few other people :) I was good at the table football, but I think my pool skills need a bit more practice! We went to bed at 2am, and got to sleep not *too* long afterwards!

I managed to sleep for quite a long time, considering we were sleeping on the floor in a big room full of other people making noise! In the morning, I could feel my hunger much more and felt really sick until about lunchtime, when the nausea thankfully changed into normal hunger (much easier to cope with!) We had a session of worship which helped us to focus on God - I was pleased that we sang 'I can Only Imagine' because it's such an amazing song and we rarely do it at my church!
The afternoon went quite slowly, but the nicest hour of the fast was when we were allowed out onto the church field for an hour (from 1pm to 2pm). There was a water slide but I didn't feel like getting wet, so just sunbathed with some friends and messed around in the sun:







^ these people are all so lovely, and made the afternoon really nice despite the hunger growing ever hour :)

After we were made to go back inside (it was, after all, a lock in as well as a fast!) there was a special guest waiting to talk to us: Josh from the TV documentary series 'Blood, sweat and takeaways' that was aired on the BBC about a year ago. The programme had a section about the slave trade, and how many women had to sell their bodies in order to send money home to support their families and, after meeting these women while doing the series, Josh was really passionate about the cause. We got to talk to him and he spoke about his experiences - it was really good!


There was more free time after Josh left, and we all did our own thing (I tried and failed to do revision, so ended up just chatting to a group for a while), before another worship session. This one was really special, not only because of the great songs we did (Light of the World, The Stand etc) but also because the hunger we were all feeling had a bit of a spiritual effect during worship. The last song was 'Strength Will Rise', which was amazingly relevant because, by that time, I was feeling really lightheaded and weak and the song really helped me to focus on God and the cause. I think the worship was so special because drawing on God's strength was quite necessary by then - I was a bit wobbly so standing up was getting a bit hard!

And then, after the longest 7 minutes of my life, the pizza arrived! I can imagine the Domino's delivery men must have been a little alarmed by 40ish starving teenagers pressed up against the glass and staring at the pizzas they were carrying!
After the leaders had sorted out who ordered what (the tension by this point was horrific - we were all sitting around the tables staring longingly at the pizzas they were sorting out) they put them down in front of us, and was going to share a large Haiwaiian with Kiri. Then, when everyone had got theirs (waiting took a great deal of self control!) we stood up and did the 'superman grace' ('Thank you Looordd for giving us foooood' to the tune of superman!) and then tucked in...



and, wow, that pizza was absolutely AMAZING! We ate and ate - the tables were half as loud as usual as everyone delighted in the gift that was food - wow! I got very full afterwards, but it was worth it! DELICIOUS! :D

I think the fast, while obviously raising the money for 'Hope for Justice' (so far, the group of fasters has been pledged £1,453 for the 24 hours!), I gained personally from it as well - I think I learned how much I took food for granted. I'm now trying to make sure I only eat when I'm actually hungry rather than out of greed or boredom, which will hopefully be nice for my beach body (pfffft) as well as my self control and not being so greedy!

I have a biology test tomorrow on meiosis, mitosis, DNA and haemoglobin (arghh) as well as a chemistry quantitative assesment (although I got full marks on the first attempt of that, somehow, so not worried about my mark) so I'd better go to do some preparation...
xx

Latest Ramblings!

I haven't posted for a while, I know, and I feel quite guilty about it! I've been really busy with modular AS exams (biology, chemistry and psychology) and am waiting for the results! Biology and psychology went okay, but chemistry was actually horrific! There's nothing I can do now, though, except wait and see, but chemistry is really important for medicine, which I am hoping to do at university, so I'm pretty worried!

To bring this up to date - I had a lovely Christmas, followed by REAL SNOW! In Warrington! :D We all became little children again and buried each other, went sledging etc. I spent some good times with my lovely Hayley in the snow, as well as doing some revision for my modulars (which were the week after). It was just a lovely time of excitement, and freedom from normal daily routine (as the whole of England practically fell apart with the snow :D) Families were building snowmen together, when they'd usually be separated by work and school, and children were pulling along younger siblings on sledges instead of sitting in front of the TV - it was pretty magical, and a taste of what life should really be like!

She's a baaaabe :)


I also recently visited my best friend from where I used to live, Hannah :) It's always exciting when we see each other because it's only 3 or 4 times a year, but for a whole weekend and we get on so, so well - even better than when we were little kids, and do lovely things like shopping, cinema, swimming etc. This time, we went to see Avatar 3D which was amazing, had a big fat McDonalds and spent far too much money on clothes - it was great!
We're also really looking forward to going to Turkey together again (with our families) which we booked pretty much as soon as we got back from Turkey this October :D It's really exciting because a week is the longest we get to spend together now we're 153 miles apart (yes, I google mapped it!)!

This half term, I've been helping out at a children's church holiday club in a nearby village with Mission Academy (a course I'm doing with Warrington Youth For Christ) and it's been amazing! I love working with children, especially the littlest ones, so was thrilled to have the opportunity to work with reception aged children (4-5 year olds) in the mornings, then help with workshops in the afternoons. My beautiful Becky and I planned an awesome game for the kids involving custard and spaghetti hoops mixed together in large quantities, laminated paper memory verses (which we cut up into smaller pieces and put in the mixtures) and a team race for the children to find all the pieces, put the memory verse together and read it out :)



I've also visited my lovely Maddy's caravan for a day - we did a nice walk and marvelled at the changing weather - it was beautiful sun, the kind I've not seen for months and months, then snow in the space of an hour! :D

I'd better go now because I have an english essay to write before I go back to college tomorrow (in the posh new building!) but I promise I'll try to be a bit better with this in future :)

Looking at this post makes me realise how truly blessed I am! I have some amazing friends (many of which aren't in this post), awesome opportunities and a whole life ahead of me - it's so exciting to think of all the things I might do in the future!

I doubt anyone even reads this, but if you do, I hope you're happy and healthy (and please leave a comment :D)
xxxx