Things have been a little topsy-turvy around here recently.
My end of term exam ended up going really horrendously: it was almost on a par with GCSE additional maths (which set 1 got casually entered for with no teaching of the material on it, resulting in my E as a reward for the 3 hours' worth of rewording questions in answer boxes). I forgot even the most basic of anatomy; hopelessly muddled the positions of every ion channel in the kidney and left entire pages blank before tearfully guessing the multiple choice questions without even properly reading them and leaving halfway through. Then isolating and realizing I'd have to cancel my whole Summer for the inevitable resit. Deciding I didn't even want to resit because I was a failure at my degree so there was no point. Wondering where on earth my life was going.
It was downhill from there really. My mind grabbed the piece of 'logic' that my exam performance (and therefore life's worth of course - because that's what matters (?!)) is inversely proportional to my weight. Because obviously, my weight determines my exam performance and therefore my self worth... It's true that my exam performance has steadily deterriorated over the course of the year, as my weight has increased. But, as my angry-stressed-triggered-post exam mind forgot, correlational evidence cannot establish causal relationships - there's just no way to prove a link like that. So many other factors have played a part, and my weight is logically probably one of the last things to influence it - aside from the opposite effect of being healthier and therefore having more concentration now...
I've been struggling a little with my faith lately as well. Not my faith, so much, but a different aspect that's harder to explain. I still wholeheartedly love God and want to follow Him. I still worship Him; do my best to trust Him; KNOW that He works all things for good and see Him in my circumstances. It's the relational aspect that's a little more absent recently - the whole 'presence' thing. I miss it horribly; everything just seems a little empty, but I'm trying to recognise that there are seasons and times when God retreats to allow us to grow and to change. But that's on a good day. On a bad day, I'm lost and vulnerable and scared. I feel abandoned and decide it's because I'm huge and worthless, and lie begging God for His presence, feel nothing and slide back into 'abandoned-and-huge-and-worthless'.
These factors combined have led to a bit of a downward spiral. I've lost weight and I don't even know if I want to gain it back or keep sliding. I'm in a tangle because if I go back to Brighton clinic now, they'll make me maintain at a higher weight than before because of our deal, so I'm having to avoid them for the near future. I don't really know what to do.
In the meantime, I had a lovely holiday in France with Jacob, spent some
time with my mum in Suffolk, caught up with Brighton and other Southern
folks and went to a psychiatry summer school at King's!
Ironically, I got my results last week and it turned out I'd actually passed the exam by some miracle (hello there 'I still feel God working in my circumstances'). That's a huge blessing because it means I can still go to Soul Survivor. I'm a little scared because I'm very 'walls-up' with God at the moment, but I'm going as a leader and it'll be so amazing to spend time with my incredible IMPACT! youth again, and see how they've developed.
My aim for the next few days is to reevaluate everything. I need to decide what I actually want and I need to somehow spin things back around so I can think more clearly.
Over and out.
2 comments:
You are beautiful girl! Sending recovery hugs x
Massive congratulations on passing your exams! I am so pleased for you, because I totally can relate to the whole feeling of failure and blaming it on weight gain, the whole vicious irrational cycle.
It looks like you had some wonderful experiences so far this summer, I hope you enjoy the rest of it without having to worry about exams etc.
Try not to worry too much about your relation with God, I think even the strongest can have some sort of doubts or other when times are really tough. He will always be there for you, will always love you and will always make things happen in your life for a reason that will only benefit you, not harm you, even if it does not feel like that. Perhaps you can go to a favourite spot where you know you can feel His presence, and things might click back into place? Maybe Soul Survivor is this place? Sometimes when we worry about something, it takes over our minds and becomes a much bigger issue than it needs to be. God understands and I'm sure he wouldn't want you to worry about this. In fact, He might be making you feel like this for a reason, and it is up to you to find out what that reason is. Think of it as an exciting journey.
Regarding the weight loss, you know how the ED starts, you lose a little weight, then feel like you need to lose a little more, and before you know it, you're lost down that slippery slope which is so incredibly difficult to climb back up. Just think of all the hard work you have put in to come so far forward. Even if you maintain this weight, please try not to lose more (sorry to preach, I just know how easy it is to become really ill again)
Take care and God bless Xxx
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