mid-June update

I guess I've just been too busy over the past couple of weeks to post much - I've had lots of caring hours and IMPACT! event etc, and have been pretty exhausted with keeping up with everything to be honest. As of tomorrow, however, I'll have finished with Bluebird - which is quite a big relief! I've been so busy and it'll be lovely just to have some space and be able to give more to my youth work. Also, since I last posted, things have flipped around a bit.  I've recently got together with one of my closest guy friends and it's had such a huge affect on everything.

 Matty is lovely and it's so nice to have the privilege of working with my boyfriend! not many people can say that!

 This weekend we had friends staying, and the amount of food we ate was ridiculous. I can't imagine how I would have begun to deal with it all a few weeks ago - because I was pressured to eat 3 course meals three days in a row, and had no opportunity to compensate (which was a good thing really, but still difficult). I had to 'white knuckle it' at times and breathe through horrible, anxious minutes of being overwhelmed, but I made it without using behaviours - and I see that as a major achievement.

I'm also working on things like stopping being so regimented with the exact food items I'll buy and cook for myself...when I was food shopping the other day I realized how strictly I stick to my 'safe foods'...and I know that's something I need to work on... but I know that I will get there. It will take more time; more energy and more of God's help but I'm determined not to give up on recovery. I still have days where I'm really struggling at the moment, but I'm so blessed by an amazing support network and the realization that I really do love life. It hurts and it's difficult at times, but I'm determined not to waste the opportunities I have - and that means that continuing to strive for recovery is the only option!

Galatians 5:1 "it is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery..."

Peace that transcends

This week has, thankfully, been a lot better. Not easy by any means, but better than last week. My caring shifts were much less forgiving and I'm exhausted as a result, but I've learned a lot this week again.

When I woke up this morning for another 6am shift, I genuinely could barely drag myself out of bed. Not fun, but it meant I turned to God and relied on His strength right from the start of the day. 'Lord let me do this day in Your strength and for Your glory' was my simple and repeated prayer this morning - and it worked! I feel like the past few weeks have really helped me learn to surrender more and more.

There have been lots of funny moments this week - where I've laughed until my whole body ached and my eyes were watering.

We went to see the Olympic Torch coming through Warrington, and it was amazing to spend time with some of my amazing young people - we waved and squealed and pretended to be excited because we want to make our own fun...I love how easy it is to liven up an hour spent standing in the rain!

It's good to have some of those moments back...sure, they've come alongside a lot of the other kind of moments - the anxiety, tears, 'I don't know how I'll get through the next hour' kind of moments. But I guess it's all part of life's rich tapestry....and a big mixture of emotions and situations gives us more opportunity to appreciate the present and actually live.

I had an amazing 'God experience' on Monday night as well. No-one was about for music practice so I took the opportunity to spend time in church worshipping on my own. The low evening light was so beautiful, everything just faded away and I played through songs (and actually saw real musical improvement over the session!). I got a real peace - the Philippians 4:7 peace that transcends all understanding, and felt whole again.

Yes I've made myself sick this week, yes I've stopped myself from eating what I really wanted - I've even had panic attacks and come very close to weighing myself. But while it's still frustrating that I'm not doing as well with my recovery as I feel I probably should be, my relationship with God is growing so much through my struggles! And, actually, there shouldn't be a separation between those two aspects of my life, because both are ultimately about wholeness.