Thursday 22 August 2013

Soul '13


I've recently returned from Soul Survivor week B '13!

It was honestly so amazing to see my young people again! They truly are an incredible group, and spending time with them makes me into a better version of myself. I forgot how positively I feed off their energy: how happy it makes me when the lads rugby tackle me and throw me up in the air or the girls ask to go for a coffee and a pray. It was really special this week to be able to reawaken that ‘youth work’ side of myself that I’ve missed while I’ve been at uni.




In terms of the sessions etc, I found it all very hard.
In the worship, I was able to fully connect and worship during the ‘looking up’ sections – singing about God’s beauty and majesty; but as soon as songs or lyrics about freedom and how we’re now living in fullness etc came on, the guilt started taking over. We did communion on the final morning and I was lost in a horrible mental cycle of ‘bread and wine argh…did I really just think about calories when remembering how Jesus went through the ultimate in pain and separation from God for me?!...I’m an awful Christian, selfish, disgusting…I’m fat…argh calories in bread and wine *cycle begins again*’. Guilt acrobatics are never nice. 

I’m very thankful to my lovely Laura, who is just completely and utterly wonderful. She was at Soul Survivor on first aid team and we managed to get some time together on her breaks/through me sneaking to the first aid post in the big top to have a hug. I texted her in communion like ‘argh what do I do?!’ and she told me to come to her, got stood down and prayed and cried with me. That’s real friendship…



I didn’t have a ‘breakthrough moment’ in the standard Christian festival respond-to-a-call-and-go-up-for-prayer-and-cry-and-shake-and-pass-out-in-the-Holy-Spirit way, and actually I’m pleased about that. That, more than anything, shows me that God knows my heart. He knows that I approach His throne best in the quiet stillness of an empty room; He’s gentle and tender and loving. One afternoon, I took the opportunity of most of the young people being at seminars to sneak off to one of the on-site coffee shops. I had picked up and bought a book, ‘God on mute’ by Pete Grieg (which I’ve been meaning to read for years but is particularly appropriate now) so took my book and my notepad/Bible, and curled up by my phone charger with a diet coke. One chapter talked about how a woman had written a brutally honest letter to God after miscarrying her twin boys, which inspired me to try to be honest myself.

 I wrote my own letter, admitting I was scared and lost and would really quite like God to intervene in this situation. I expressed my frustration, doubts and hopelessness and asked Him again for His presence.

It was ridiculous how much difference just trying to articulate to God what I was feeling made – as opposed to running away. I felt more able to worship afterwards and even found myself starting to automatically pray for people and situations again…it was like my connection to Him had opened up a little and I’m very thankful for that.


‘God on mute’ has really challenged me this week - and I've not even finished it yet! I hope I can continue to learn from it and, as I move into a more convincing acceptance of this season I'm in, continue to engage the silence...


Wednesday 7 August 2013

feelings vs. knowledge

"The greatest battle is between what you feel and what you know"

I had a really rough few hours last night. In the last two years or so it's happened a few times - nights when I'm hurting and broken and desperate; when I'm hoping that I don't wake up the next morning.
Yesterday, I lay face down on my bedroom floor again and begged God for His presence. I cried and cried and tried to listen to music but cried too much and felt utterly lost. I begged God for a few hours until I finally managed to fall asleep... What I felt last night wasn't pleasant: Abandoned; unloved; worthless; hopeless.

But the truth is something that, deep down, I do know. When I'm able to logically look at my thoughts and feelings, I can refute most untrue aspects by looking at my own past experiences and reflecting on truths - like Bible verses- that I know from memory.

Personal reminders
one of my favourite-books-in-the-world-ever-ever (Plan B by Pete Wilson) has a section about remembering God's past faithfulness - placing 'life signposts', in the way that Abraham builds an altar in the Bible, so that when you're in a new difficult situation, those reminders are still present. It is so easy to forget, in the midst of struggle, how faithful God has been in the past so it's so important to have these things.

Some of my 'altars':

getting baptised, July '10 (hello cheesy grin)
having the privilege of being a temporary mother to THE most incredible children in South Africa
the fact that I ended up in this city...
the 'accidental internship' that changed and shaped me (these young people's passion makes my heart soar)
2011: the fact that my hands looked like this after EVERY meal and snack that I was forced to eat and, however hard things are sometimes, they never look *this* bad any more

some recent pictures of incredible people who I love, and who love me back. The fact that I've only met many of them this year!


also memories of incredible experiences of God: worship moments; moments of learning to trust; moments of things clicking into place. The fact my mum survived highly intrusive breast cancer; the fact that I am as healthy as I am....so so many more...
Words of truth

I feel abandoned, but I've known Deuteronomy 31:8 off by heart since the Summer I was sixteen...
'Do not be afraid or discouraged for the Lord your God goes before you. He will be with you; He will neither fail you nor forsake you'

I feel like God doesn't care about me any more, yet I know that His thoughts for me outnumber the grains of sand on the earth, and that He knows how many hairs are on my head (Psalm 139)

I feel like God doesn't hear my desperation, but I have spent years clinging to the fact that in our weakness - when we don't even have the words to pray, the Holy Spirit intercedes for us in groans too deep for words (Romans 8:26)

I think that God has given up on me; that I don't have a future anymore, but I even have a tattoo of the reminder that God makes ALL things work together for the good of those who love Him, and are called according to His purpose for them.



I've been singing the bridge of this song all day: in fact, I woke up with it in my head this morning.
''all of my life -in every season - You are still God: I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship"


Whatever I feel, I know that God is good. I know that He knows exactly what He's doing with me right now, and I know above all, that He is worthy of my praise. So praise Him I will.