endings vs. beginnnings

there have been lots of endings lately....nights at the beach with our 'Sunday night small groups' youth; last team meeting

but there have also been new beginnings! Meeting Matty's family for the first time last week, when we drove to Stockton-on-Tees to spend time with the people he knows and loves from back home. It was quite a nerve-racking experience but went really well, and we had a lovely day. Also, I've been preparing for uni; getting back into running and enjoying weather that suggests that Summer might actually be on its way!

The combination of endings and beginnings everywhere is leaving me a little uncertain and confused over whether or not I like changes like this...I'm not sure I like endings but new beginnings and all their potential excite me so much.

I get a little bit impatient - wanting to cling to everything of my present and take every last drip of opportunity in the parts of my life I love so much now; but at the same time feeling the need to dive headfirst into the future. But I actually love that combination....it's frustrating at times but just shows me how blessed I really am!

Things aren't always easy, but I am blessed. There's no doubt about that...

living to make Your name high

I just got back from a lovely holiday in Abersoch - Maddy and I went for a (much needed!) break and had a really nice time, despite the lack of surf meaning we didn't actually get to surf at all because there were never enough waves! 

 We decorated our tent with fairy lights and had access to the house that John and his family were staying in for showers/a kettle etc..it was the best of both worlds really!

Our mad-busy IMPACT! weekend also went really well! The worship on the walking day float was so much fun - it was amazing to be able to publicly declare our faith, as a band made up of ages 15-19, and sing the modern worship songs that we feel connect us to God. 'Your Name High' was our favourite - Ducky was SO amazing at it on drums that it was such a joy to play so we slotted it in as much as possible on our journey!

I managed to achieve my goals this weekend too, which I'm quite proud of myself for. It wasn't easy at all but having such clear goals and allowing no negotiation with myself meant that I could focus on the things that were really important.

However, I'm really struggling at the moment, having done so well in Abersoch (ate fish and chips/an ice cream as well as my normal healthy breakfasts and salads/sandwiches etc), because I know I've put weight on over the past couple of weeks and it feels unsafe and like things are a bit out of control.
It's so frustrating because I seem incapable of making actual progress sometimes. Since I seriously started tackling recovery since my relapse, there seems to be a bit of a pattern I follow:

1. struggle and lose weight again
2. fight really hard to pull everything back on track; tackle fears and challenge myself with food
3. put on a bit of weight (in the words of my best friend 'look better')
4. panic and want to go back to restricting
5. back to step 1

it's so hard because, looking at it like that, it seems that the issue is my motivation for recovery. and that's so not true! I want recovery so much, because to me it means wholeness and being close to God and able to do what He's calling me to do...and there is nothing more important to me than that. Complete surrender is my ultimate goal at the moment. But I will keep offering up my life, and keep trusting in God.

Philippians 2:13 'for God is working in you, giving you the desire to obey Him and the power to do what pleases Him'

Life continues...

things have been crazy busy around IMPACT! lately...we have walking day and our July outreach IMPACT! this weekend, along with lots more mentoring etc and I'm also having to take much more responsibility with the worship at church, so I've not had much free time for blogging!

I've had lots of fun times lately though - night out with Maddy and Shereen in Manchester; our girly beach party; birthday sunsets and celebrations; a day in Yorkshire with Matty; skiing at Chill Factore with Mads and lots more happy moments where I've thought 'you know what? this life really is beautiful and worth all the stress and struggles'. And it is:

I'm still processing a lot of stuff...things with food seem to be so unpredictable at the moment. Some days I can do really well and feel okay, then others I feel like I'm back to square one. But I'm trusting God with it still. Had a good journalling session yesterday...

 

This weekend is going to be so crazy, but I know it'll be worth it.  And I have a major set of our goals for it:

•  no restricting food...at all. I'll eat what I really want to (obviously being realistic in terms of sticking to fairly healthy foods), when I'm hungry, and stop when I'm full.
• no being sick/compensating for what I eat in any way.
• relax around food; be more spontaneous...not just sticking to the exact same brands and foods.

I'm determined to be successful. Everything we're doing this weekend is to glorify God; to put Him up on a platform...there just isn't space for overthinking and wasting energy on earthly things like food. I'm also taking an upfront role a lot in terms of worship on the walking day float and at IMPACT! - I can't stand up there and glorify God publicly if I'm not doing it privately; in my own failings and struggles. His grace is sufficient to carry me through this and I need to trust Him by challenging myself.

<3