Wednesday 29 May 2013

I choose perspective

I just had clinic, and I gained weight back (having had a bit of a wobbly week where I lost a little) and it's hard. It's horrible. I don't like gaining weight. It feels disgusting and it goes against what I've taught myself means 'in control' for so long, and it feels like my life is spiralling...

But I know I just need to seek some positive perspective in this so here goes:

1) I choose to remind myself of yesterday:

It was so encouraging. I did a talk at my hub at church on humility and was more confident than I'd ever been about a talk (although that's not saying much because I'm not the best at standing up in front of people!) - it just felt so natural and is something I'm really passionate about. It went really well and the whole of the hub night was incredible - such a sense of God's presence as we worshipped and prayed and I felt fully comfortable and so close to everyone...

acoustic worship makes me happy :)

While I was on the bus there, I was so blessed as well. I just sat and was listening to my ipod as usual ('Pursuit' by Jesus Culture) and I suddenly felt God in a way I hadn't in so long. I was just filled with a calm security and had shivers down my spine... It meant so much to me.There is literally nothing in the whole world that is more amazing than feeling God close, and it's something I've missed so much lately while I've been a bit 'wall-putty-uppy' (wow, my eloquence is astounding ;))


2) I choose to see myself physically with a 'healthy mind perspective':

When I'm able to be rational, I know that I look so much better how I am now! Despite feeling massive, I know that I am so much prettier when I'm healthy because my skin and hair and face just look so much better. I have curves which are more attractive than bones (also, I know I look better with boobs and my ghetto booty back, just sayin').

the day I started my meal plan properly vs. this morning

 3) I choose to look for the 10,000 reasons to worship today

Recovery = glorifying to God. God = incredible. I want to seek out those reasons to worship. I want to open my eyes, in this moment, to the presence of SO much good, and so much beauty around me.
Good music; beautiful flowers; a strong cup of tea; the people I love; even waking up this morning. Life is short, and life is hard but so, so beautiful. I want to find that beauty at every opportunity...

 
When I look at my 3 points, a little electronic number that tells me my body has a few hundred grams more water or muscle or fat or breakfast or clothing or whatever in it is pretty meaningless.

Today, I choose perspective

Monday 6 May 2013

Am I really doing this?!

Since I got back after Easter, things have been pretty good. The weather's getting beautiful; I'm forming closer and closer friendships with people here; I've been exercising again - running with my friend Alice, which is so lovely and sociable/not dictated by calories or anything negative: a chance to be healthy and feel good for the day...I'm getting more confident with church things and, best of all, I'm just generally starting to feel freer and less bound by my eating disorder...
























 

This weekend was especially lovely - it's been a bank holiday, so I had three FULL days off lectures etc, a rare occasion and therefore cause for much celebration! Saturday was mainly a study day but a nice, chilled opportunity to not have to be anywhere at any particular time (SUCH a rarity for me - can't even remember the last time that happened!) and then yesterday (Sunday), I had an incredible morning with the church babies and then went to London with Jacob to see Rend Collective in the evening, and just explore and have fun during the afternoon...



...I had breakfast at home, got a costa panini for lunch on the way to the train station and had a subway and some fruit for tea....I felt normal. It was so amazing. Food was just a little aspect of the day to consider and fit around our plans - it wasn't at the centre. Food played a part in my day, instead of informing my day. Amazing. Plus I was able to worship in such a free way during Rend Collective...I didn't care what people thought, I just worshipped God openly...the best thing ever. I honestly don't think anything compares: every song really spoke to me about freedom and new life, and how God uses our struggles for good. Wow.


Then today (Bank Holiday Monday), I got up late (for me :p) and had a nice long shower, made a new breakfast creation (smoothie with granola added...so good) and then, after doing a bit of work, visited a friend to chill and watch a film before heading out to my favourite buffet restaurant with medical CU (Foodilic is so nice, organic veg dishes that are so simple but very tasty and healthy). It was a lovely meal but I ate a bit more than usual...enough to make me still aware of my fullness when I got home.
I really wanted to cancel my evening plans (charity open mic night) and purge and excercise. I really, really wanted to give in to my eating disorder, decide it was all too much and 'slips will happen' and start afresh tomorrow....and while allowing mistakes and using those explanations are both important and true, it's not progress if I don't actually try to push myself further each time. So I forced myself to take a moment out; to lie down on the floor and remind myself that giving in is not what I really want, doesn't glorify God or honour the people who love me and wouldn't be the right decision. I don't want to lose any more memories or opportunities to my eating disorder. After a little inward pep talk, I went to the open mic night. It was lovely - spent time with people I don't often get to talk to....and then got talked into performing!


This is huge. I lead worship, yes. I sing in church, because it's not about me - it's for God, so the way I see potential failure/mistakes is totally different.  But tonight I decided to overcome. I sang and played 'faithful' by Brooke Fraser, to perform. And it went really well! I'm so proud of today's decision...

I feel like I'm really doing this recovery thing. Like I'm moving forward and actually getting somewhere...body image still has a lot to be desired but I'm much more at peace than I have been since being weight restored. I'm excited for the future because I can almost picture a life that doesn't revolve around food or my weight or self hatred. It's incredible.

God really is faithful.



p.s a bit of humour ;) (the fact I can start to laugh about this now shouts 'progress' too :))