Easter...and my Second Best Choice

My best choice in life, hands down, will always be becoming a Christian. On the level beneath that are lots and lots of good choices...taking my gap year that changed and stretched me; saying 'yes' to leading worship the first time, despite my fears, and falling in love with it; deciding to take up my uni place at BSMS over other options; doing the IMPACT! internship that came out of nowhere; choosing St Peter's as my church in Brighton etc...
 Second best though, at least for the moment, has to be choosing recovery. Today has made me aware of that all over again. I'm so, so thankful.

This Easter was my first time back at my home church since Christmas- and it was so lovely to see everyone again...I led worship and it was lovely to be able to face the right way to see everyone and remember how much I love and have missed them!

After the service, so many people came to say hello and tell me how much they'd missed me while I was away - it was really sweet! Even people I'd barely ever spoken to said how glad they were to see me back and looking so well, and that they'd be praying for me and I'd just had no idea that people noticed my absence that much - or indeed how obviously struggling I was at Christmas...
Lots of comments today, (at least) a stone up from when I was last home and feeling and looking much much healthier - literally everyone I spoke to took a pick from 'well', 'healthy', 'so much better' or 'amazing' and announced how I looked...and I was surprisingly okay with it. I find it so triggering often because as soon as someone says 'well', I decide they're meaning 'fat'. One middle-aged man I know moderately well said 'I'm so glad to see you've gained some weight, honestly you look so much better.' and said how worried everyone had been about me....cue breathing through the horror of being told I've gained weight obviously, but also a real desire for health. The trigger is diminishing because I'm beginning to internalise the truth that healthy is good and necessary. so much better than sick and weak.



My week in France was simply brilliant. Seeing Maddy again, spending oodles of time with Shereen and skiing was fabulous, and the food...oh the food. It's painful to admit but it was so yummy. Like, ridiculously yummy. Ice cream in Annecy with the sun on our faces; spag bol at lunch time halfway up a ski slope;  hot chocolate and kitkats for morning snack in the snow...it added a lot of joyful moments - not the food itself necessarily but the situation and the way it brings people together in celebration and fellowship. Being able to enjoy some of those times and be properly present in them for the first time in years was brilliant.

There were difficult, stressy moments - of course. But I felt normal at times, wow...actually normal?! Honestly, I don't think I ever believed it possible.

Today, Easter, is the ultimate symbol of hope, overcoming, new beginnings. How thankful I am for all those things...

second term ends!

I can hardly believe I've now finished the second term of this year at university! it honestly has gone so quickly: I had my end of term exam on Thursday and it's SUCH a relief to have it done... It didn't go amazingly - it was a very difficult exam, but actually everyone seemed to find it horrible so I'm hoping that I've still done okay!

This term has been so unbelievably hard. If I'm honest, it was probably even harder than last term - because actually, when it comes to eating disorders, relapse is on a short-term basis an easier option than recovery. It's been a daily battle to stick to my meal plan; to not have access to scales; to go to group therapy and try to TALK about what happens in my mind with strangers; to (more often than not) manage to be logical with myself when I want to give in and exercise/restrict/purge; to actually ask for help with it all! I've gained nearly a stone back since I made my decision to fully commit to recovery again, and that's so scary but I'm trying to adjust to it... When you're relapsing, you can give into what your head's screaming at you to do - and it offers temporary relief, but recovery is always, always the best thing - and eventually the easiest as well.

The reason that this term has been so much better is the underlying, strong knowledge that I'm doing the right thing - that I'm doing the thing that glorifies God. Knowing that gives me so much strength.

James 1:21 'so get rid of all the filth and evil in your lives, and humbly accept the message God has planted in your hearts, for it is strong enough to save your souls'.

This quiet firmness of foundation is something I've been trying to establish more and more solidly within myself this term...and I'm so proud of what I've achieved. That's something that's strange to say, but it's really true. I never thought I'd have such a good day that I could be eating my breakfast and take funny selfies with my giant bran flake instead of crying about it:

I've been SO blessed, as ever. I can't express how lucky I am to be surrounded by the people I am, and to have the opportunities that I do. God is so so good.

I'm still absolutely in love with St Peter's, and helping in the creche on Sunday mornings is literally always the highlight of my week! They're just so precious, and I almost always get a little baby sleeping on me...a little taste of heaven, I maintain...










Spring is coming now, with more little moments of joy that I do my best to always appreciate...daffodils and fresh coffee...

 Since the exam finished (Thursday), I've been enjoying having a little breathing space. I had a fun night out at coalition (secret discotheque with its cheesy 90s music never fails to deliver - even to someone who dislikes clubbing as much as I do!) then took an amazing trip to London last night and went on the London Eye - such an incredible view with the lights of the city all around...


I'm so looking forward to church tomorrow, and seeing my babies again - plus going back 'up North' on Monday just in time for flying to France on Wednesday with Shereen to visit my Maddy and do some skiing for a week...so exciting.

I still fight a daily battle, but my hope's growing all the time that it won't always be this way. I need to trust and appreciate the incredible moments in my life... *standard postive blog post ending*
Over and out.