Laying it down

'Lay it Down', by Jaci Velasquez

Verse:
I've been looking till my eyes are tired of looking
Listening till my ears are numb from listening
Praying till my knees are sore from kneeling on the bedroom floor
I know that you know that my heart is aching
I'm running out of tears and my will is breaking
I don't think that I can carry the burden of it anymore
All of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans,
Are slowly slipping through my folded hands

Chorus:
So I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna learn to trust You now
What else can I do
Everything I am depends on You
And if the sun don't come back up
I know Your love would be enough
I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go,
I'm gonna lay it down.

Verse:
I've been walking through this world like I'm barely living
Buried in the doubt of this hole I've been digging
But You're pulling me out
I'm finally breathin' in the open air
Oh, This room may be dark but I'm finally seeing
There's a new ray of hope, and now I'm believing
That the past is past, and the future's beginning to look brighter now
Oh, cause all of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are safe and secure when I place them in Your hands

Chorus:
So I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna learn to trust You now
Oh what more can I do,
Everything I am depends on You
And if the sun don't come back up
You know Your love will be enough
I've gotta let it be, I've gotta let it go,
I've gotta lay it down
I've gotta lay it down
I'm gonna lay it down.

This song has been a great source of strength for me over the last couple of days - I've still not heard anything from any of my universities, and everyone I know who's also applying for medicine has at least one interview. It just makes me feel inadequate and a little bit unwanted - I got a really high UKCAT, straight As and was told my personal statement was really good, so what's wrong with me? All though the application process, I've been reminding myself that failure to get in anywhere doesn't mean that I wouldn't be a good doctor - just that God has a different plan for my life.



When I pray 'Your will be done', I mean it, even if it means I have to face rejection in the coming months - it's worth it to follow His path for my life and live it to the full, in the way that I can only with God's dreams and not just mine :) Yeah, it's hard. It hurts sometimes, and there are days like this when close friends get interviews at unis you applied to and you have to push down that sick feeling in your tummy and celebrate with them, because that's the way it's right to act. And when they say 'it'll be you soon' and keep asking if you're okay, you have to say 'yes', even when it's not totally true, because it's not fair to put that burden you have on them... Some evenings, like this one, I have to come home and cry a little with above song on, because you can't do so in front of anyone else. I just had to pretend to my parents that only a few people had got interviews because I didn't want them to see how close I am to failing them, but there's always an antidote to these things: one of those showers so hot they raise welts on your skin, and wash the tears off your face. After that, I'm not lying when I say I'm okay - I feel fresh and ready to pull together again.



All this uncertainty, all this worry and fear of failure, is so worth it. I know that underneath - God knows exactly what He's doing so I can place it all in His hands.

Beautiful life

It's time for an update! I've had a lovely half term holiday in Turkey and am now settling back into college...


(Hannah and I on a gulet cruise in Turkey - it was amazing!)

On the university front, I'm still playing the waiting game. The only thing I've heard from my unis are a couple of emails asking me if I want to change to 2011 entry (I've deferred until 2012 so I can have my gap year volunteering) because of the increasing fees. I've had to seriously think about it, because it could mean an extra £30,000 of debt to pay off, but honestly I feel that my gap year is more important to me at the moment so I'm risking the money!



College is good socially, because I've got properly settled back into my friendship group and now know lots of people in my lessons. All my subjects are noticably more challenging this year, particularly biology - I'm struggling a bit with the stuff we've recently done on photosynthesis and respiration... Hopefully it'll be okay once I've properly looked over it and got my head around it because it's worrying me a little how hard I'm finding it to understand!


Having been the worship leader at two evening services at church, singing more in the mornings and singing with the mic volume crazily high in front of everyone at music practice, I'm definitely growing in confidence with my singing and worship leading. I've had such an amazing positive response, though - so many people have told me I have a beautiful voice and I'm actually beginning to trust that I can really sing and it's not just everyone being nice! The hardest thing for me at the moment is probably the leading side now - telling people what to do etc, because it doesn't come particularly naturally to me so it's something I have to work on. Impact! has been really good recently, too, especially the one before last: cardboard praise, in which we had to write on cardboard the things that God had done in our lives and hold them up - it was SO amazing seeing all the things and it gives me shivers just thinking about it. Seeing those pieces of cardboard was so emotive and lifted my heart - worshipping after that was fab, seriously! :D



As of 6.11.10 (church bonfire which was so lovely!), I'm also going out with an amazing boy from church - Conor. He's so so lovely and sweet, a good Christian and also pretty hot! ;) It's early days but I can really imagine this relationship going somewhere and lasting a long time - I really trust him and feel like we know each other so well already :) I'm happy!





I've had a good month or so finding my balance with alcohol - it sounds silly but I really think I'm learning about my limits (and becoming less of a lightweight!). I got really drunk at the social, but sobered up at the perfect time to look after everyone else, and at a party this Friday I had some apple sourz with lemonade and dr pepper, and alternated them because I was going home and couldn't get drunk :). I think I've got the balance for the moment and this makes me happy :D




And just to show I've not grown out of my silly ways - today Maddy and I managed to miss the bus home from college today...while sitting at the bus stop! We suddenly realised everyone from our bus had gone but definitely didn't see it - blonde moments much?!! haha!

Life is still good - so good! Challenges might be coming academically, spiritually (I know I've been praying and reading my Bible less recently, and need to build it back up again!) and emotionally with all this uni stuff, but God is providing and I know I'm safe in His hands.
In the words of Shell Perris: "it's a beautiful life - there's so much to give, yes, I'm gonna live this beautiful life" :).
xxxxxxx