three meals a day

This week's 'love Monday' picture became a 'love Thursday' photo because of Monday's drama...and Thursday was a beautiful day for it:

The end of this week included a pancake party as part of our 'Girls' Night' programme, which was a brilliant time of fellowship for us with our beautiful girlies. We had lots of fun experimenting with different pancakes!:



I'm really pushing myself the last couple of days. I need to get out of this hole I'm falling back into.

On Wednesday night I had my now-usual meeting with Amy. She was as amazing as ever, but somehow I left feeling a bit low. It just felt like we were going around in circles, discussing my behaviours and my inability to let go of what I was doing.
The session made me realize how much of this is about my perception, though. The weight I am now cannot be much more than it was over summer, which is my 'golden weight' period in my mind - I was healthy and mostly confident. But now I just feel huge still.

I said at one point 'what about if I got to my goal weight from last time (45kg) then got back up to a healthy weight?'. Which I admit is so illogical -it's obviously the eating disorder talking. and she said 'well okay, what about 40 then? nice even number...or maybe 35, then 30? that's a good balanced digit to aim for...'. It made me realize: I genuinely could be sitting in that place on her sofa at 30kg (if I was even alive at that weight) and still feel as huge as I do now, because this is about my distorted perception, not my body itself.

After Manna on Thursday, where we talked about openness with God and I realized that I feel at the minute that I don't have the right to come before God, while I'm battling against him by restricting and damaging my body...and I need to use this amazing opportunity this year to grow closer to Him. I realized, essentially, I need to make the decision to recover again. Not because I don't want to hurt others (although that's part of it), not because I'm so ill I need to, but because I want to for me - for my future; my relationship with God and to glorify Him with my whole life.

I'm pushing myself for 3 proper meals (but small portions) a day, less calorie counting, only weighing myself twice a week and no weighing food. It's a huge challenge, but I'm ready. I don't want to waste any more time - it's time to sort this out now!

Today I went for a run with Georgie and we chatted lots - I enjoyed it, and didn't feel the need to push myself too hard because we stopped when she needed to. We'll make it a weekly date and hopefully it'll help me in my recovery as well

circumstance...

I'm avoiding getting up today...I've been awake since just after 7am and now it's almost 10am, so a definite lie in for me! I feel guilty for wasting time when there are loads of things (Manna, going to walk Maisie, tidying etc) I should be doing...

On Sunday, I just woke up feeling SO happy! I had babysat overnight then was made breakfast by the kids' parents...I ate a teacake with butter and jam, drank a milky coffee and still felt happy. I drove to church in the most beautiful weather, smiled through the service and came home to make myself a lovely healthy salad...


Sunday was definitely a good day! I had another realization while listening to Tim Hughes' 'Giver of Life'...God's goodness is outside of circumstance. I already knew that, but the phrase particularly resounded with me, and it's something I keep reminding myself of.

Monday was hard. So hard. Can't really go into it, but basically Josh called me and broke up with me. "It's not you, it's me" is never really enough explanation, and of course my first reaction was to throw myself into restricting...but after spending 3 hours hiding out at motorway services, sobbing in my car, I was ready to be more logical.

I will be okay.

It's time to get up now. I feel ill today but that's just an excuse - I know the real reason is that I don't want to face breakfast. I haven't decided what to give up for Lent either so I'm avoiding possible Lent foods. Not that I should even give up a food anyway...it probably wouldn't be for the right reasons...

I'm going to bite the bullet, have some porridge and start my day...remembering, God's goodness is outside of circumstance <3

Baby steps

I'm sitting in my living room on a Saturday morning with the heating turned up, and listening to the sound of the rain outside. I've got fresh coffee and the house to myself all weekend (although I'm out doing an epic babysitting session most of today and tomorrow!)

This week has been mixed - lots of challenges, but lots of laughter as well. I became an accidental acrobat for Love Monday...

...and ended up doing the splits at one point while trying to get down from the ladders! It was very painful but in a funny way!

Sophie and I also cooked risotto and apple crumble for the worship group...a really valuable time of fellowship that we're definitely going to have to start having more often.



Valentine's Day wasn't the best I've had (we'll leave it at that), but it turned out okay in the end. I headed to the office (noone else was there as Tuesdays are our day off) and played my guitar, journalled and made myself golden syrup porridge for tea! Amy came to see me and we talked through some stuff (things are becoming really clear in some ways...). She's amazing because she focuses so little on the food...it's like she really does understand that that's the very tip of the iceberg.

I'm making baby steps towards recovery again...slowly but surely. Each day I find more and more reasons to push forward and accept myself as I am. Not when I reach this or that goal weight - because I know the weight loss will never be enough.




My support network is growing and I'm refusing to push people away. Because, much as I don't feel like it at the minute, I deserve to be happy...and I can't be the things I want to be to other people unless I stay healthy myself...

On Wednesday, we took the youth on a half-term trip to the Lake District and it was a brilliant day! They loved it, the weather was perfect (although a bit windy on the top of Helm's Cragg!)



It's been a busy but mostly good week, but there's still the constant battle in my head...a jumble of calories, weight, diet ideas, reasons to recover, advice, scripture and songs...and I'm teasing it out, bit by bit. I've done this before so I can do it again.

"there is no change without vulnerability"

This week's Love Monday picture for Mads was us with the fish. It was a hilarious one to make - Matty's fish face wasn't the best, and he kept making funny noises when 'losing' it. We have lots of outtake pictures, but this was the one we chose.

My beautiful new guitar (so far unnamed) arrived on Wednesday... I'm loving it! such a lovely-sounding guitar, and I'm going to really work hard to improve at guitar over the next weeks and months...



Wednesday was a really good day because I also GOT A 2ND JOB! I'm officially (well, depending on CRB so basically all good) employed as a home carer for elderly and disabled people! I have training a week on Monday and Tuesday then will be good to start when my CRB comes through - very excited...


Worship Central Manchester on Wednesday night was also amazing. Brilliant worship, which the small group of youth we took LOVED and good teaching too.


However, the things Tim Hughes said about eating disorders and chains hit me hard. Denial and distractions have kept me apart from realising this, but over the last couple of months I've pretty much relapsed. Back to calorie counting, restricting, weighing in every day etc etc. I can't let this take control again so I took the step and sent a text late Wednesday night, reaching out.

I got a reply during Manna on Thursday morning: "thanks for being brave!" along with an offer to meet up and talk that night. So I built up courage over the day and curled up on her sofa, sipping water, and opened up.
My main advice, having almost pushed away practical things - not sure if I was ready to try for recovery again yet - was to be real with myself. Allow myself to be vulnerable and bring this before God. Praying about it with her made me cry, but it helped because it was the start of openness and reaching out to Him who supplies all my needs, and got me over the initial shame and fear.

Then yesterday morning I did my standard recent routine - up, go to the toilet and head for the scales. Get undressed, push on them to get them loading and....nothing. No flicker of '0.0kg'...just no sign of life from them. I took the battery out, blew on it, put it back in and still nothing. My scales are officially not working, and I'm trying to be okay with it. Sometimes we have to laugh in these situations we don't like, but can clearly see God working for our good in...

And,today, while it's not a good thing to be back in the place where I consider it a serious achievement to manage porridge for breakfast after not being able to weigh myself 2 mornings in a row, I know that it's also an opportunity. For growth; for dependance on God; for increasing humility; for relearning self care and the ability to recognise how far I've come over the past few months. (I almost typed "how far I'd come", as in past tense, before I started struggling again, but relapse does not negate recovery!)

It's IMPACT! tomorrow, I've slept well and am loving Matt Redman's latest album (10,000 reasons). "Never Once" is giving me lots of strength today:

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone

Monday reflections

This morning, I had the house to myself - Dad's gone to Spain for a few days and Mum's at work, and it's been lovely. I made myself a pot of coffee (ground the beans, used the lovely big cafetiere...) and opened my quiet time with a prayer inspired by one of the ladies at Manna. She prayed so beautifully and it made me want to try that style..."Good morning Lord, thank you for this beautiful day...".

Despite (or maybe because of!) having a hard morning in terms of food etc, my Manna was really revealing. I got a lot out of it and enjoyed using my new study Bible (I know, I'm a geek!). I loved sending 'love Monday' texts to our amazing youth as well.
So it's lovely to have a quiet, reflective Monday morning...


The last week or so has been fun! Very busy, but lots of laughter and spending time with some of the people I love.





The second-job hunt isn't going too well, although I'm trying hard now. I won't give up! For the minute, I'm doing lots of babysitting and walking Maisie for Sheila 3 times a week, which is keeping me afloat money wise. The thing I'm spending most money on at the minute is petrol, so I'm attempting (not too successfully really..) to cut down on journeys I don't really need to be making.



Last week's Maddy picture involved pots and pans in the kitchen - SO much fun creating that one! Am looking forward to today's which will involve the pet fish...good times.



Happy Monday! <3 hopefully this week will bring slightly milder weather, and more ability to stay in control, in a more healthy way - me not the ominous 'you need to lose more and more weight' voice controlling!, around food.