humbled again...

This weekend has been mixed,  but good! On Friday night, we went out as a flat and it was SO much fun – we really got to know each other better and had lots of fun.

 Today was fairly disastrous in some ways – I went to a church where I didn’t really feel I fitted in (CCK – it was a great church, but just not right for me) this morning, then got hopelessly lost afterwards and ended up wandering in the freezing cold rain looking for a bus…so arrived home cold, wet and not feeling well. I had a (pretty restrictive) lunch, then purged a while later and spent way too long indulging my negative thought patterns.

However, I really enjoyed the evening service at St Peters* and it was lovely to feel more at home there…the worship was amazing and the teaching was also so valuable. However, I knew we were having pizza as students after the service so anxiety surrounding that meant I wasn’t fully present in a lot of the service – which made me so frustrated with myself and caused a bit of a vicious cycle.

When I got home though was when my day was really made – my flatmates are all atheists and pretty cynical about my faith (not in a horrible way – they’re just not particularly open to it), but we were chatting this evening and somehow got onto the topic of worship…and I played them some Soul Survivor and Hillsong to show them how my worship music actually is. They were SO surprised and thought it was amazing – their faces when I put on ‘we are the free’ were priceless. Honestly, I feel like it made a big impression on them.  They even said they’d like to come to church with me sometime!

God is so good. He’s powerful; and works through our bad days and messy moments to find ways for us to reach other people with His love. I’m so humbled by each different way He uses me and works in my life. 

* The whole ‘student group’ thing at churches here makes me a bit uncomfortable to be honest… It might just be because there is such a huge student population in Brighton, and because I’m not used to being in a city like that, but the way things work here seems to be that students go to the evening services and families go to the morning  - when I’ve been to churches in the morning I’ve felt very much shepherded towards the evening….

I don’t know if I’m just being all idealistic, but my view of what church is, is people of all ages, in all walks of life coming together in worship to our one God. I get that different groups of people will be suited to different times but segregating off the students from the families etc feels a bit wrong for me…  I’m still working out what I think – but church here is awesome!

Fresh into uni!

 

So far, I really like uni! It’s obviously not without its challenges, but the change is all exciting and there are so many genuinely nice people I’ve been able to get to know, and great new experiences to have. Fresher’s Week is actually a lot of fun when I drink as much as I want to and balance the medic events with seeing my flatmates…also the bars and clubs in Brighton are in such a beautiful position – right on the beach front. 

I went to a church on Sunday called St Peters Brighton (the HTB plant). I was quite proud to make it because I hadn’t even found my bearings on campus at that point – let alone in Brighton itself, but I asked in the CU facebook group and found the right bus and stop to get off at. It was really great there – lively worship and so many lovely people…I even went for (free!) lunch afterwards with some of the students and have been keeping in touch with two who I got on really well with. I’m even going for coffee with one of them on Friday which will be really nice…

Eatings’s been going really well! I’ve been keeping quite safe with healthy choices but making sure I eat at fairly set times and have bought snacks I’m happy with if I get hungry between meals…  I’m really enjoying the fact that no one here has any reason to take any interest in what I eat. I know that could be a bad thing in terms of accountability, but it takes away a lot of pressure – like if a flatmate offers me a chocolate, I can know they’re just sharing as opposed to worrying whether or not it’s a test of my response…and that means I can make a decision based on what I actually want as opposed to feeling manipulated by what I perceive as being their judgements. So it’s actually working as a really freeing situation at the moment and I intend to keep it that way!

Being here has been especially triggering at times in terms of making me want to lose weight – there are so many (generally tall/super slim) people to compare myself to, and everything’s knocked off balance, so I’m struggling in terms of thoughts, but trying to stay logical and working hard at not letting any of it translate into behaviour patterns. When I’ve had a thought about needing to lose weight/having eaten too much/negative body stuff etc, I’ve just been mentally saying ‘well I’m going to feel like this/have these thoughts, but actually X/Y/Z prove that I’m not being logical’. It sounds a bit crazy but it’s working for me at the moment so I’m going with it!

I’ve wanted to be sick quite a lot too (post mealtimes is a challenge without the ‘excuse’ of accountability for having eaten), but the whole ‘healthy September’ thing is working pretty well so I’ve been able to convince myself not to ‘mess up’ my ‘good month’ by allowing myself to do it. It’s rewarding being able to channel the same determination in terms of being competitive with myself that made me so desperate to keep losing weight into something productive and positive…

 

Today was the BSMS Fresher’s Fair so I ordered my stethoscope (in ‘Caribbean blue’ which was a nice shade of turquoise!) and bought some (seriously hefty!)  textbooks, as well as signing up for societies (women’s football, yay!). I got all excited about getting properly into studying again - really can’t wait to dive into lectures and exercise those parts of my brain again…and of course use all my pretty-coloured highlighters to colour-code notes! 

 I'm really loving my guitar at the moment - I'm playing it so much and finding it very healing and fun...God is so amazing!

Already all I need

I'm in Spain at the moment, on holiday with my parents as a chance to relax and spend a bit of time with them before I go to uni. it's lovely to actually see them, but also a HUGE challenge. This is the first time I've been away with my parents since before my eating disorder began...and I'm so unused to having my food so totally in their control...

There are also none of my safe foods or brands around; we're eating pretty much all of our meals out (only one meal in the past 3 days has been at home); I don't know any of the restaurants and all the menus are in Spanish so I never really know what I'm ordering anyway. It's quite scary - and I am struggling. I'll be honest and say it's very, very hard. My anxiety is high a lot of the time and I'm stretched to the limit on appearing okay with everything.

But...God is so present in this holiday. Every time I reach that point at which I honestly don't think I can cope, He blesses me. He brings me encouragement in different way...a cute facebook message from a friend; an unexpected half hour to myself to just chill and read; a breakfast cafe that does fruit and yoghurt! (okay, it was far from my 'safe yoghurt' - so thick I could barely spoon it out, but it was still a blessing and very yummy...)

I also just discovered and downloaded an amazing new worship album by Christy Nockels. And I'm currently on the terrace, listening to 'Already All I Need' on repeat and getting a bit teary eyed...because it's so true, and it's so appropriate.

Already All I Need
'Asking where You are, Lord. Wondering where You’ve been. Is like standing in a hurricane, trying to find the wind. And hoping for Your mercy to meet me where I am. Is forgetting that Your thoughts for me, outnumber the sand. You filled the sun with morning light. You bid the moon to lead the night. You clothe the lilies bright and beautiful. You’re already all I need. Already everything that I could hope for. You’re already all I need. You’ve already set me free. Already making me. More like You. You’re already all I need. Jesus, You’re already all I need. Walking through this life without Your freedom in my heart. Is like holding onto shackles that You have torn apart. So remind me of Your promises. And all that You have done. In this world I will have trouble. But You have overcome. And every gift that I receive. You determine just for me. But nothing I desire compares with You. In Your fullness. You’re my all in all. In Your healing. I’m forever made whole. In Your freedom. Your love overflows. And carries me. You carry me'

For the rest of this holiday, I will walk in the truth of this song. I'll cling to God in every moment of fear and panic and painful stretching of my abilities to overcome and cope, because He is already all I need.