feelings vs. knowledge

"The greatest battle is between what you feel and what you know"

I had a really rough few hours last night. In the last two years or so it's happened a few times - nights when I'm hurting and broken and desperate; when I'm hoping that I don't wake up the next morning.
Yesterday, I lay face down on my bedroom floor again and begged God for His presence. I cried and cried and tried to listen to music but cried too much and felt utterly lost. I begged God for a few hours until I finally managed to fall asleep... What I felt last night wasn't pleasant: Abandoned; unloved; worthless; hopeless.

But the truth is something that, deep down, I do know. When I'm able to logically look at my thoughts and feelings, I can refute most untrue aspects by looking at my own past experiences and reflecting on truths - like Bible verses- that I know from memory.

Personal reminders
one of my favourite-books-in-the-world-ever-ever (Plan B by Pete Wilson) has a section about remembering God's past faithfulness - placing 'life signposts', in the way that Abraham builds an altar in the Bible, so that when you're in a new difficult situation, those reminders are still present. It is so easy to forget, in the midst of struggle, how faithful God has been in the past so it's so important to have these things.

Some of my 'altars':

getting baptised, July '10 (hello cheesy grin)

having the privilege of being a temporary mother to THE most incredible children in South Africa

the fact that I ended up in this city...

the 'accidental internship' that changed and shaped me (these young people's passion makes my heart soar)

2011: the fact that my hands looked like this after EVERY meal and snack that I was forced to eat and, however hard things are sometimes, they never look *this* bad any more

some recent pictures of incredible people who I love, and who love me back. The fact that I've only met many of them this year!


also memories of incredible experiences of God: worship moments; moments of learning to trust; moments of things clicking into place. The fact my mum survived highly intrusive breast cancer; the fact that I am as healthy as I am....so so many more...

Words of truth

I feel abandoned, but I've known Deuteronomy 31:8 off by heart since the Summer I was sixteen...

'Do not be afraid or discouraged for the Lord your God goes before you. He will be with you; He will neither fail you nor forsake you'

I feel like God doesn't care about me any more, yet I know that His thoughts for me outnumber the grains of sand on the earth, and that He knows how many hairs are on my head (Psalm 139)

I feel like God doesn't hear my desperation, but I have spent years clinging to the fact that in our weakness - when we don't even have the words to pray, the Holy Spirit intercedes for us in groans too deep for words (Romans 8:26)

I think that God has given up on me; that I don't have a future anymore, but I even have a tattoo of the reminder that God makes ALL things work together for the good of those who love Him, and are called according to His purpose for them.

I've been singing the bridge of this song all day: in fact, I woke up with it in my head this morning.

''all of my life -in every season - You are still God: I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship"

Whatever I feel, I know that God is good. I know that He knows exactly what He's doing with me right now, and I know above all, that He is worthy of my praise. So praise Him I will.