enough is enough

I remember the first time I ever hit rock bottom. 12thAugust 2011. I remember thinking I didn’t want to live anymore; that I was just done and exhausted with life. It was so scary, and that experience initiated small but certain changes – opening up to God; admitting I wasn’t okay.

I seem to have those situations far more frequently lately. The lovely wedding where I simply couldn’t cope with the people and pressure and buffet at the reception so left in tears in the early evening.  Last night when I sat crying on my kitchen floor because I was too dizzy not to eat but too terrified to even open the fridge then, after a while, couldn’t cope with being trapped inside and lay on the beach at midnight and prayed again that I couldn’t do this - I just couldn’t.

It scares me that these moments should all be a turning point. Each time, I try to make them so.
  But the next morning I wake up still trapped and go on as I had the day before. I desperately need a genuinely turning point but, equally, I’m learning that maybe it just doesn’t work that way.  I wonder what it would take to make me finally say 'enough is enough' with a certainty and strength stronger than what keeps me stuck. I need it to happen, but equally I just don't know how.

Instead, I am trying to improve my perspective in the small things: in trying to be more present in my daily life moments that contain so much beauty. Beautiful views of Torquay where I spent a week with my lovely Ellie and her family; celebrating the wedding of one of my closest home friends (yay Mary!) and the return of Mads to civilisation and phone signal! I've missed her hilarity (and everything else about her!) so much...

 I’m now fully settled into my new house, and delighting in the way that the sunshine streams through my bedroom window to land on the bed in the late afternoon – optimum situation for a 4pm nap.  

I have a GP appt. tomorrow that I cannot find words to express how much I'm dreading. But it's necessary. If not for me; then for the people who love me who I'm hurting by hurting myself. I need desperately to make changes and I think I've reached the end of my ability to do so. 

 

 Yet again, I'm trying to surrender this to the One who knows far more than I do. He is beautiful and whole and I love Him.