'choose your hard'

I've been very absent on this blog lately - for many reasons. Partially because term became ridiculously busy and I was throwing myself into being a medical student; partially because this blog was implicated in real life situations of people worrying about me so much that they took serious action and I was left bruised and feeling vulnerable. I've also been so stretched out living and recovering and pushing myself through exams that I haven't really had the time or energy to invest in looking inwards and reflecting...

So much has changed that I won't be able to properly explain it. Things are incredibly different now to when I last posted - and I am  so very grateful for that.


1) I've moved house.
As of 18th November, I'm living with a wonderful family from church. Long story as to why my last house didn't work out; mostly due to my eating disorder and the ways in which people cope with it. Moving out was my decision and I felt like it was so important to me to make a fresh start.

It was definitely a good decision. It's going amazingly... I haven't made myself sick in weeks; I'm not counting calories or consciously restricting. I wake up every morning to the most beautiful 16 month old, who just wants my 'duddles'. I've always felt that, when I'm with babies and toddlers, I'm infinitely more free than usual from my eating disordered thoughts - maternal instincts take over and I focus on looking after the beautiful children as opposed to my thighs. Living in that situation does wonders for me...

 While I was revising I had a rough day (probably mostly to do with the fact that there was noone else in the house all day, and I'd got behind on my meds!) and backslid  to a bit of duvet hiding, sobbing over my weight gain, running away from food and generally being unproductive and unkind to myself. I was feeling so awful by the time the others were due home that I nearly went out to hide from them, but then little Ellie came in all upset and, while her mum sorted everything out, I held her and rocked her to sleep and rubbed her back while she wailed the way I wanted to. By the time she was snuggled asleep on my lap, I was peaceful, grounded and calm. Incredible.

2) I've finished term. 
Having actually even survived this term is, to be honest, a huge achievement given the way it began. In that first week, I honestly would never have believed I'd make it through the time of term - let alone actually complete the term itself. It's been the most incredible turn around; God is so so good.

I had my KT (exam) last Friday, and it went incredibly well! It was a hard paper but I was very prepared, well-fueled, well-revised and fully engaged with the topics. Neuro and psychiatry turned out to be completely absorbing once I had the concentration to properly involve myself in them: this has been by far my favourite term in terms of the material covered.

I remember thinking at the start of term a particular low weight I'd like to be by Winter Ball. It didn't happen, but the completion of the term and (hopefully) passing of the exam and survival and thriving and getting my smile back did.


3) I actually feel alive again
I feel like I've got myself back... I'm back to crazy Anna, who has crazy fits of laughter and throws myself into the things I love. It's not easy and I still have a lot of work to do, but I'm so much better than I was. Infinitely better than I was. I'm so incredibly thankful for fun and not just praying for the days to end but actually appreciating life.

I'm thankful for the wonderful people I get to spend my days with. I want to show them how much I love them every day instead of devoting my energy to destroying my own body in pursuit of an empty goal.

I feel like I've said this so many times before, but I really am so determined to continue to take back my life from anorexia. It's hard but worth it.