This weekend was especially lovely - it's been a bank holiday, so I had three FULL days off lectures etc, a rare occasion and therefore cause for much celebration! Saturday was mainly a study day but a nice, chilled opportunity to not have to be anywhere at any particular time (SUCH a rarity for me - can't even remember the last time that happened!) and then yesterday (Sunday), I had an incredible morning with the church babies and then went to London with Jacob to see Rend Collective in the evening, and just explore and have fun during the afternoon...
...I had breakfast at home, got a costa panini for lunch on the way to the train station and had a subway and some fruit for tea....I felt normal. It was so amazing. Food was just a little aspect of the day to consider and fit around our plans - it wasn't at the centre. Food played a part in my day, instead of informing my day. Amazing. Plus I was able to worship in such a free way during Rend Collective...I didn't care what people thought, I just worshipped God openly...the best thing ever. I honestly don't think anything compares: every song really spoke to me about freedom and new life, and how God uses our struggles for good. Wow.
Then today (Bank Holiday Monday), I got up late (for me :p) and had a nice long shower, made a new breakfast creation (smoothie with granola added...so good) and then, after doing a bit of work, visited a friend to chill and watch a film before heading out to my favourite buffet restaurant with medical CU (Foodilic is so nice, organic veg dishes that are so simple but very tasty and healthy). It was a lovely meal but I ate a bit more than usual...enough to make me still aware of my fullness when I got home.
I really wanted to cancel my evening plans (charity open mic night) and purge and excercise. I really, really wanted to give in to my eating disorder, decide it was all too much and 'slips will happen' and start afresh tomorrow....and while allowing mistakes and using those explanations are both important and true, it's not progress if I don't actually try to push myself further each time. So I forced myself to take a moment out; to lie down on the floor and remind myself that giving in is not what I really want, doesn't glorify God or honour the people who love me and wouldn't be the right decision. I don't want to lose any more memories or opportunities to my eating disorder. After a little inward pep talk, I went to the open mic night. It was lovely - spent time with people I don't often get to talk to....and then got talked into performing!
This is huge. I lead worship, yes. I sing in church, because it's not about me - it's for God, so the way I see potential failure/mistakes is totally different. But tonight I decided to overcome. I sang and played 'faithful' by Brooke Fraser, to perform. And it went really well! I'm so proud of today's decision...
I feel like I'm really doing this recovery thing. Like I'm moving forward and actually getting somewhere...body image still has a lot to be desired but I'm much more at peace than I have been since being weight restored. I'm excited for the future because I can almost picture a life that doesn't revolve around food or my weight or self hatred. It's incredible.
God really is faithful.
p.s a bit of humour ;) (the fact I can start to laugh about this now shouts 'progress' too :))
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