Monday 10 November 2014

Obs, gynae and roast gammon

I'm in my fourth week of obs and gynae rotation, and I've already learned SO much. It's a huge learning curve to be in the hospital, pretty much left to our own devices and being in the thick of things, completely self-directed. I love the flexibility of being able to stay longer when I'm feeling enthused, and jiggle things around so I can fit more into my life, but the bit I'm finding more difficult  is being brave and assertive in approaching doctors/other health professionals to ask them to help me learn (by assigning me to a patient/ letting me follow them etc). My internal monologue can so easily backslide into how little I deserve their time/how much they'll hate me for irritating them/why am I even here?! clearly I'm not worthy of studying medicine lalala..., but pushing through and doing it anyway is the best antidote to the thoughts...it's coming more and more naturally and I'm still yet to hide in a supply cupboard to cry, which I would have thought would be inevitable at some point in the first month!


I have come SO far. I've dealt with being shouted out by a consultant, mocked by a surgeon and with standing my ground when other medical students (some of the 5th years are on the same rotation to us at the moment which can make space difficult!) have tried to push me out of clinics I've been timetabled to attend. I've been brave with trying to be authentic with the other students I've been placed with. I'm getting much better at maintaining boundaries, particularly with being logical about other people's emotions. I feel what the people around me are feeling so intensely that it can be overwhelming in stressful situations, but I'm learning to separate myself from their frustration which means I can then see that they aren't angry with me. I care less what 'they' think. Yes, I'm still a HUGE people pleaser, but if I perceive someone not liking me doesn't devastate me in the way that it would have done in the past...




I'm enjoying my time being free from the hospital too, in this beautiful city, with beautiful people... I love that I can invest in my life now - not 'invest in recovery' or 'work on recovery' but just feed into the aspects of my life that I love to move forward. I'm having to be careful about not missing meals with how busy I am, and have struggled a bit with nausea around meals (potentially anxiety but I don't feel like it is!), but anorexia continues to take up less and less of my head and my heart.






Ellie is cuddlier than ever, which I LOVE and Iyla is growing more and more into her own person. We still do 'family day' most Saturdays and it's so special. This Saturday we went swimming then for carvery with Tris' parents, and I was fully present. Potentially the biggest joy of recovery remains in just being present. Like swimming in a bikini then eating a ridiculous amount of roast and ice cream, and still being present and myself and not have the time ruined by guilt.







I wonder if I'll ever be okay with not being able to save people... I'm really working on it; I understand the theology behind it and on a spiritual level but emotionally, it just slays me every time: when someone I love is hurting a huge amount, and I can't fix it. Funnily, I happened to do a personality test recently and it came out SO accurate for me being an INFJ. It made me feel less like I'm flawed, and more accepting of the way I intrinsically am.

 So thankful for these learning experiences; the painful but amazing stretching and growing...


P.S I got my big mac lovin' back...

2 comments:

Jenn said...

This makes me so happy! Isn't it the best feeling in the world when you can live and really enjoy life without recovery being such a main focus! I'm so excited to read this post because it's the best place to be!

I am also glad you are loving your job, but don't be afraid to speak up and ask questions because they are there to help - i know easier said than done but the more you do it, the easier it will get :)

Take care,
jenn

Laura Elizabeth said...

I love and miss you so much my heart hurts <3 xx