Doing hard things...

I've just finished a 20 day online Bible study called 'I do hard things', and it's been so helpful for me. It covers different aspects of how to protect yourself, honour God and learn the most that you can while dealing with challenges in your life. Day 2 and Day 13 were both genuinely life-altering for me and one of the messages that spoke to me most is this:

"If you get instantaneously rescued from the pit, you will still be afraid of the pain BUT if we are led to climb out of the pit then the fear no longer holds us bound" 

Wow. All those times I've cried out and begged God to just deliver me and pick me up out of my mess and wondered why He didn't seem to care and having explored these purposes more, I have a new level of understanding about God's will in suffering. I'm never going to understand God's will aside from on a flawed, human level, but I feel like this study has taken me deeper and I'm so thankful.

Christmas was rough; quite complicated with my parents' divorce, but as ever I was SO reminded of the graciousness of God and His timing: I don't know that I would have coped with processing the breakdown of my family unit on top of the ordeal that Christmas with anorexia can become... This was the first Christmas in a long time that food wasn't a struggle for me, and the awareness of timings meaning that I could just about cope meant that I could recognise God saying constantly: "I am in this". What an encouragement...

I've been on psychiatry rotation for the last 3 weeks and I LOVE it. I'm placed on a women's inpatient ward in the local psychiatric hospital and it's very different from other hospital environments:

-the ward rounds: instead of awkwardly shuffling behind 10 higher grade doctors from bed to bed, not able to actually hear what's going on and generally getting in the way, we all sit around a table in a conference room and the patients come to us! Most of the ward reviews I've been to have just been a consultant, a reg and a junior doctor, a nurse and me; we discuss the patients before calling them in to talk to them. (there are even drinks and biscuits available! amazing!)

- treatment is so much more personalised. I guess it has to be, because of the nature of the illnesses, but we have long discussions about medication changes, taking the patients' opinions into account and explaining details to them in great detail.

-patients are often unsure whether to trust the professionals: totally understandably. Personally and professionally, I've experienced a lot of the negative side of psychiatric treatment, but it has been interesting to be on the other side: where I see doctors who genuinely care work incredibly hard to manage patients in what are so often very logistically difficult situations.

-when a patient allows you into their inner world, it's the hugest privilege. I feel like, as a clinician in psychiatry, you are much more involved in your patients' treatment than in other areas of medicine. The interactions have a massive impact in a person's health and doctors' human qualities like patience, compassion and a gentle manner are as crucial as any drug or therapy.

I really REALLY love psych. Even more than I thought I would...I think I've found my future specialty!

I'm also enjoying being more in control of my timetable - which makes life a lot easier in terms of working out when to do my paid work (note summarising at a GP) and also leaves a little more opportunity for spontaneous lunch dates and much-needed lie ins!

I'm trying to be braver with small group and it has definitely paid off - deepening relationships and fostering vulnerability and prayer in group situations is playing a big part in my life at the moment. I'm so thankful. 

Also for the babies who I just completely adore and whose curiousity and excitement and untamed love make my heart happy. Ellie has taken to snuggling with me in bed in the mornings and reminding me in a singsong voice of my need for breakfast. She now only agrees to wear 'princess dresses' so pink frills are the norm (I do feel partially responsible for this dress obsession!). Iyla is into EVERYTHING: nothing is safe from her beautiful, sticky little reach.

This week we got the results of the first module of this year (an emergency life support and critical care course) and I got a distinction! Such a confidence boost that I'm beginning to excel now that I'm well and my course is becoming more about practical management of treatment as opposed to dry lecture facts!