Yesterday was also my last day at work (it would have been today because it’s a Friday, but it’s a public holiday) so my two main coworkers and I drove to the foster home of 4 of our little ones (we’ve not seen them for a week or so as the school closed for Summer/Christmas so we needed to say goodbye properly). One was at the doctor, which I’m really sad about, but the other 3 were there so I at least got to give them a last snuggle and tell them I love them. It was really hard! I actually didn’t expect to cry because the atmosphere was a bit strange, and the toddlers were shy in their own home when they’re not used to us being there, but as I held Themba and kissed her cheek I felt a massive lump in my throat and set off crying. After we’d had last cuddles, we left and headed back to the house where we work to prepare for an even worse goodbye….
The kids were all going to Spurs as an end of term treat, so we hardly had any time with them after we got back, before it was time for them to leave. Saying goodbye to Gunda and Clunks hurt really badly. I knew it would, but I don’t think I realized quite how much of my heart I’ve given to these boys until I was faced with the reality of probably never seeing them again. Spending every weekday for the last 9 weeks cuddling, encouraging and teaching (as well as putting in time out and having to wrestle with them at times) these gorgeous children has to leave a big impression on your heart… I really do love them, and I know I’ll always remember the impact that Ntlantla especially has had on me. He’s so difficult sometimes, especially when I had to teach him during school and he didn’t want to cooperate, but his determination and big personality are amazing, and I would genuinely adopt him in a flash if I could…
I’ve learned so much about myself from this experience, not only through my work in Bap and at Home of Hope, but also through living independently for the first time and working out my interactions with people when I come to a new place knowing nobody. I’m so proud of my ability to be vulnerable with new people, and I’ve found that so important in my relationships here. Taking risks in relationships is amplified in this setting because of the relatively short time we know each other for, yet we get so close so quickly because of the living arrangements and the deep nature of what we’re all doing here. Everyone in this house has been developing through their experiences and that draws us together in a special way.
I’m leaving South Africa with not only a new appreciation for life in general – having seen so many new things and (cliché I know) broadened my horizons – but also a new appreciation for my life at home and myself. Spending so much time away from my loved ones has really given me space to take a step back from the last year and realize how to move forward in my relationships with my parents in particular. I’m so proud to have stayed true to myself during this time and I feel that my impact on the house has been positive. I feel more comfortable in my own skin than when I left, yet at the same time my increasing issues surrounding my weight gain here are showing me that there’s a lot more healing and growing to be done…
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