a letter to myself...

      Sunday 18^th November 2012

Dear self,

This is hard. I so desperately want to be better - I don't want to hate myself for eating anything – however tiny or healthy, or be constantly number-crunching in my mind to the extent that I'm not fully present in my daily life...I don’t want how I see myself be determined by the verdict of the scales each morning; I don’t want to sit with my head down a toilet having a panic attack because I ‘ate too much’. I don't want to force myself to miss social events to be alone in my room and do jumping jacks so long I get carpet burns on the soles of my feet, or ‘have to’ keep running even though everything hurts and I have blurred vision and a spinning head.

. My BMI is still by some criteria technically in the healthy weight range. But I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. And my eating disorder is impacting a lot on my health at this weight – so I hate to imagine what it would be like at an ‘unhealthy’ one. In the last week, I’ve thrown up blood; been horribly dizzy and nauseous; had palpitations and panic attacks; fainted (having eaten a perfectly healthy amount that day); had a constant headache and have just felt exhausted in every way. I don’t want to be like this anymore.

But I keep lying to myself. Saying ‘you can really recover when you’re sick enough to recover’; ’when you’re thin enough to recover’; ‘when you get to x-weight’; ‘when you beat your lowest weight by enough’; ‘when  you can see another rib; and another’… it never ends. I’m realising that I’ll never be ‘thin enough’…and even if it was it’d just have to be a longer and longer road to recovery when I actually start…because here’s the thing:

With an eating disorder there are two options: recovery or death. You can be stuck in the in between misery of just going through the motions of life with it for a while, but ultimately you either recover or die... I’m pretty sure which option I want to pick!!

I love life. I love God and my family and my friends. I love church and worshipping my amazing God, and I love Autumn (and Spring, Summer and Winter!).  I want that John 10:10 life back. I need to stop being so ambivalent and ultimately choose recovery. It’s so hard, but I need to start making better decisions. I hope this letter can motivate me to make those decisions…

With love,
Me

creating a beautiful day..

Although I've been struggling quite a bit with food and exercise-related things the past couple of weeks, I had an absolutely LOVELY bonfire weekend at home last weekend: I saw my church family, got to lead worship again, bought a cute new onesie, had a breakfast date with my mum, saw my parents and had a mini-induction to the job I'll be doing at christmas when I'm home (cleaning the golf club). It was beautiful:

However, I ate so much. It probably logically was a really normal amount, but because of the way I've been eating at uni lately (having smaller meals more frequently each day and tending to have the 'safe' option and do it all myself), it was really scary to have 'big' meals with a starter and main course with side dishes etc - and to not be in control of preparing them. I was so caught up in the emotion of seeing everyone that I managed fine at the time, but had a bit of a panic on the train home and have been struggling more since...

But this morning I decided I was going to create a beautiful day.

I don't like Thursdays. We have a symposium most Thursday mornings (essentially 4 lectures back to back without a break), and today we even had an extra lecture scheduled for after the symposium: 9am-1pm in a lecture theatre hearing about cancer isn't the most fun, but this morning I made the conscious decision to make today a good one. How?

1) I prayed. My alarm was set for early for extra time but I pressed snooze too much (silly dozy Anna is a bit selfish with her sleep apparently!) and only managed to get up about 15 minutes early. But I had a flick through my Bible and took the time to commit the day to God in prayer; to tell Him that I couldn't do it in my own strength but that I wanted to glorify Him today - and would He be able to help me? 

2) I made a wholesome, healthy breakfast the night before. No decision anxiety required; no portion panic to begin the day - I just took my glass of muesli and yummy additions out of the fridge and sat down to eat it.

3) I reminded myself of what I was doing. As I sat in lecture, I had a verse that had been stalking me on social networking this morning (think Romans 12:12 was the youversion verse of the day!) written on my hand during the lectures as a constant reminder...

...and the results were brilliant! I was able to listen and stay pretty much focused the whole way through the (slightly painful) morning of lectures - which is unheard of for me in a symposium! Usually I've given up trying to understand it an hour in!

also, little unexpected blessings made me happy - Alice returned to me my orange pen I thought I'd lost. Not a big deal to most people, but I love my colour schemes (to a worryingly OCD extent, but that's a different story) so it got rid of some anxiety that's been floating around my notes for the past week or so.

I'm still messing up, of course. Today I've done lots of things I probably shouldn't - calorie counting, body checking and loads more things. But I'm pretty happy with how the day's going: I feel like I've created it beautifully within my constraints: God is good and I am so blessed.

Recovery: an analogy

Sand Dunes:

Recovering from an eating disorder is like running up a sand dune: the moment you stop, you begin to slip backwards. And you know that you should want to be at the top because the tide's coming in  - the top of the sand dune, despite the fact that you can't see over the crest, represents safety and future - it's where your family and your friends are and they're calling down to you to keep running upwards...

...but you're so tired. The sand keeps shifting and it seems like the easiest thing to sit down and just let yourself slide. And when you look down at the beach, it looks so appealing. Despite the danger, it's so tempting and it seems beautiful. Maybe if you just slide down onto the beach, you can get a better run up? Maybe if you're in enough danger the coastguards will come and rescue you?...because you don't think you can get up the sand dune on your own....

(So when I thought of this, I didn't even consider 'Footprints in the Sand'.

No coincidence, in my opinion...because God is good.

All the time.)

Autumn blessings and cutting through ribs

Wow, things have changed a lot since my last post!

I've properly decided on my church here - I'm going to St Peter's, which is the HTB plant...initially I felt really guilty about doing the standard 'going to an amazing megachurch' thing, but I felt so drawn to it and actually I've realized it's not like that at all. It's not too big, very loving and the vision it has for serving the community is so good - and, although the worship and teaching is outstanding, I don't feel like I'm just 'taking in' as opposed to serving as well. On a Sunday morning I've started working with the 0-1 year olds - the service starts with kids' songs and then the parents drop their children at their various groups so they can enjoy the service without worrying:it's quite busy given that most of the babies are 6 months or younger! They're ridiculously cute though, and I'm getting reused to the attractiveness of baby sick and changing nappies! 

Then on Sunday evenings we have the student service - it's great and I love the worship! It's so nice to be regularly worshipping without the pressure of leading and I find it's really easy for me to connect with God there. I've also made some amazing friends at church and I'm already really close to one girl in particular. Oh, we also have team nights on a Tuesday evening which are pretty much small groups for students...still getting used to being in the small groups as opposed to leading them (and I'm still working on being brave enough to add to the discussion much!) but it's great for fellowship and we have worship and prayer times as well.

I'm actually feeling really close to God at the moment  - I got a book from a second hand stall this weekend and I'm starting the day using it as a prayer tool and to focus me which is amazing so far..

In terms of uni, things are still going generally well. It's quite up and down - some days I sit in lectures thinking 'oh my goodness, why am I here? I don't have a clue what this lecturer's even talking about!' but then other days I feel really engaged and surprisingly capable...I think that's probably what it's like for everyone so I'm not too worried! I had an interesting dissection session on Friday - I was much more comfortable with the whole thing than the first session, and managed to improve my perspective with the fact that I was cutting into somebody (the first time I was so scared of doing it wrong and damaging the cadaver that I didn't want to try and just watched for a lot of it). It actually made me feel so close to God - we opened up the thoracic cage and looked at all the intercostal muscles and tissues/blood vessels and it was quite hard to imagine how anyone who was seeing all of that could believe that it had all just been created through accidental evolution! I have to admit though that remembering the noise cutting through a rib made still makes me shudder: don't think I'll be heading for orthopaedic surgery anytime soon...

 I'm quite overwhelmed by work at the moment in terms of keeping on top of lecture notes and essays etc but I'm managing to maintain an A in everything we've had marked so far which is a good sign. Last night was horrible though - I got really panicky and had to go for a walk to calm down - but the fact that I was able to know when to stop trying to work and to take time out is a positive sign in itself...

 

Socially, I'm managing to get the balance with flatmates/coursemates/church friends as far as I can tell - so many lovely people here and I'm enjoying getting to know them all. I'm going to Medical CU on Monday evenings which is like a Bible study where we can connect with other Christian medics (and get tips from those who are further on in the course!), and girls' football on Friday nights, so I've met lots of new people through those as well.

 

 It was also so amazing to have Maddy and Shereen staying this weekend - I took them on a tour of Brighton and to a restaurant I discovered and love (an organic buffet place with lots of delicious vegetables and different salads/meat dishes) and we had nice chilled-out nights in catching up etc. They came to church with me on Sunday morning and absolutely loved it so it made me even more certain of my choice!

In terms of food, things have been a bit mixed lately, but I'm trying to be sensible with it all. I managed to dodge getting my weight and height measured when I registered with the GP here as well, although it was very tempting to 'have to find out' (I just estimated on the form and ticked a box saying it was totally recent and accurate, which was a bit of a white lie but the right decision I think :p). I'm also very blessed in that both of the other girls in my flat eat very substantial meals and happily snack on things like ice cream and pizza - I know I'd find it a lot harder if I felt like I was eating more than other people (although I am trying not to compare things like that) so I'm so thankful for their relaxed attitude to food. Joanna, who I've got really close to at church, also now knows that I have some issues with food and things (not really details, but we're comfortable enough with each other to be honest about struggles which is good!) which is a big step in terms of some accountability and support etc. It's so nice having a bit of back up at church when I want to turn down food I'm not comfortable with because St Peter's is super keen on morning service pastries and evening service pizza and chocolate...and it's a win/win situation for the two of us because Jo is more than happy to eat what I don't want! So it's been quite hard over the past few weeks but it's amazing to see how blessed I am by the people around me even in the way they model a healthier attitude to eating. I just need to stay motivated and try not to restrict because I find it so tempting when I'm so in control of my meals!
 

I love my flat!:

 

humbled again...

This weekend has been mixed,  but good! On Friday night, we went out as a flat and it was SO much fun – we really got to know each other better and had lots of fun.

 Today was fairly disastrous in some ways – I went to a church where I didn’t really feel I fitted in (CCK – it was a great church, but just not right for me) this morning, then got hopelessly lost afterwards and ended up wandering in the freezing cold rain looking for a bus…so arrived home cold, wet and not feeling well. I had a (pretty restrictive) lunch, then purged a while later and spent way too long indulging my negative thought patterns.

However, I really enjoyed the evening service at St Peters* and it was lovely to feel more at home there…the worship was amazing and the teaching was also so valuable. However, I knew we were having pizza as students after the service so anxiety surrounding that meant I wasn’t fully present in a lot of the service – which made me so frustrated with myself and caused a bit of a vicious cycle.

When I got home though was when my day was really made – my flatmates are all atheists and pretty cynical about my faith (not in a horrible way – they’re just not particularly open to it), but we were chatting this evening and somehow got onto the topic of worship…and I played them some Soul Survivor and Hillsong to show them how my worship music actually is. They were SO surprised and thought it was amazing – their faces when I put on ‘we are the free’ were priceless. Honestly, I feel like it made a big impression on them.  They even said they’d like to come to church with me sometime!

God is so good. He’s powerful; and works through our bad days and messy moments to find ways for us to reach other people with His love. I’m so humbled by each different way He uses me and works in my life. 

* The whole ‘student group’ thing at churches here makes me a bit uncomfortable to be honest… It might just be because there is such a huge student population in Brighton, and because I’m not used to being in a city like that, but the way things work here seems to be that students go to the evening services and families go to the morning  - when I’ve been to churches in the morning I’ve felt very much shepherded towards the evening….

I don’t know if I’m just being all idealistic, but my view of what church is, is people of all ages, in all walks of life coming together in worship to our one God. I get that different groups of people will be suited to different times but segregating off the students from the families etc feels a bit wrong for me…  I’m still working out what I think – but church here is awesome!

Already all I need

I'm in Spain at the moment, on holiday with my parents as a chance to relax and spend a bit of time with them before I go to uni. it's lovely to actually see them, but also a HUGE challenge. This is the first time I've been away with my parents since before my eating disorder began...and I'm so unused to having my food so totally in their control...

There are also none of my safe foods or brands around; we're eating pretty much all of our meals out (only one meal in the past 3 days has been at home); I don't know any of the restaurants and all the menus are in Spanish so I never really know what I'm ordering anyway. It's quite scary - and I am struggling. I'll be honest and say it's very, very hard. My anxiety is high a lot of the time and I'm stretched to the limit on appearing okay with everything.

But...God is so present in this holiday. Every time I reach that point at which I honestly don't think I can cope, He blesses me. He brings me encouragement in different way...a cute facebook message from a friend; an unexpected half hour to myself to just chill and read; a breakfast cafe that does fruit and yoghurt! (okay, it was far from my 'safe yoghurt' - so thick I could barely spoon it out, but it was still a blessing and very yummy...)

I also just discovered and downloaded an amazing new worship album by Christy Nockels. And I'm currently on the terrace, listening to 'Already All I Need' on repeat and getting a bit teary eyed...because it's so true, and it's so appropriate.

Already All I Need
'Asking where You are, Lord. Wondering where You’ve been. Is like standing in a hurricane, trying to find the wind. And hoping for Your mercy to meet me where I am. Is forgetting that Your thoughts for me, outnumber the sand. You filled the sun with morning light. You bid the moon to lead the night. You clothe the lilies bright and beautiful. You’re already all I need. Already everything that I could hope for. You’re already all I need. You’ve already set me free. Already making me. More like You. You’re already all I need. Jesus, You’re already all I need. Walking through this life without Your freedom in my heart. Is like holding onto shackles that You have torn apart. So remind me of Your promises. And all that You have done. In this world I will have trouble. But You have overcome. And every gift that I receive. You determine just for me. But nothing I desire compares with You. In Your fullness. You’re my all in all. In Your healing. I’m forever made whole. In Your freedom. Your love overflows. And carries me. You carry me'

For the rest of this holiday, I will walk in the truth of this song. I'll cling to God in every moment of fear and panic and painful stretching of my abilities to overcome and cope, because He is already all I need.

Life continues...

things have been crazy busy around IMPACT! lately...we have walking day and our July outreach IMPACT! this weekend, along with lots more mentoring etc and I'm also having to take much more responsibility with the worship at church, so I've not had much free time for blogging!

I've had lots of fun times lately though - night out with Maddy and Shereen in Manchester; our girly beach party; birthday sunsets and celebrations; a day in Yorkshire with Matty; skiing at Chill Factore with Mads and lots more happy moments where I've thought 'you know what? this life really is beautiful and worth all the stress and struggles'. And it is:

I'm still processing a lot of stuff...things with food seem to be so unpredictable at the moment. Some days I can do really well and feel okay, then others I feel like I'm back to square one. But I'm trusting God with it still. Had a good journalling session yesterday...

 

This weekend is going to be so crazy, but I know it'll be worth it.  And I have a major set of our goals for it:

•  no restricting food...at all. I'll eat what I really want to (obviously being realistic in terms of sticking to fairly healthy foods), when I'm hungry, and stop when I'm full.
• no being sick/compensating for what I eat in any way.
• relax around food; be more spontaneous...not just sticking to the exact same brands and foods.

I'm determined to be successful. Everything we're doing this weekend is to glorify God; to put Him up on a platform...there just isn't space for overthinking and wasting energy on earthly things like food. I'm also taking an upfront role a lot in terms of worship on the walking day float and at IMPACT! - I can't stand up there and glorify God publicly if I'm not doing it privately; in my own failings and struggles. His grace is sufficient to carry me through this and I need to trust Him by challenging myself.

<3

Peace that transcends

This week has, thankfully, been a lot better. Not easy by any means, but better than last week. My caring shifts were much less forgiving and I'm exhausted as a result, but I've learned a lot this week again.

When I woke up this morning for another 6am shift, I genuinely could barely drag myself out of bed. Not fun, but it meant I turned to God and relied on His strength right from the start of the day. 'Lord let me do this day in Your strength and for Your glory' was my simple and repeated prayer this morning - and it worked! I feel like the past few weeks have really helped me learn to surrender more and more.

There have been lots of funny moments this week - where I've laughed until my whole body ached and my eyes were watering.

We went to see the Olympic Torch coming through Warrington, and it was amazing to spend time with some of my amazing young people - we waved and squealed and pretended to be excited because we want to make our own fun...I love how easy it is to liven up an hour spent standing in the rain!

It's good to have some of those moments back...sure, they've come alongside a lot of the other kind of moments - the anxiety, tears, 'I don't know how I'll get through the next hour' kind of moments. But I guess it's all part of life's rich tapestry....and a big mixture of emotions and situations gives us more opportunity to appreciate the present and actually live.

I had an amazing 'God experience' on Monday night as well. No-one was about for music practice so I took the opportunity to spend time in church worshipping on my own. The low evening light was so beautiful, everything just faded away and I played through songs (and actually saw real musical improvement over the session!). I got a real peace - the Philippians 4:7 peace that transcends all understanding, and felt whole again.

Yes I've made myself sick this week, yes I've stopped myself from eating what I really wanted - I've even had panic attacks and come very close to weighing myself. But while it's still frustrating that I'm not doing as well with my recovery as I feel I probably should be, my relationship with God is growing so much through my struggles! And, actually, there shouldn't be a separation between those two aspects of my life, because both are ultimately about wholeness.

Retreating...

This week has been really hard - I'm not going to lie. From Sunday, it suddenly started being a huge battle to eat again...I've not had much of an appetite and have been freaking out over what would usually be 'safe' foods. Sunday night was very teary and Monday wasn't much better...so I ran away to a field on a hill about 40 minutes away on Monday afternoon... I prayed, played my guitar, journalled and worked through a few things - it was so nice to have some space away from my 'normal life' where nobody knew me, and I felt a lot better for it.

Thankfully I've not had many hours of care work this week, which has made it fairly relaxing and given me space and time to think and employ my learned self care tactics. 

 

Tuesday was a little better, and I enjoyed a spontaneous beach trip with Maddy...my 'challenge of the day' was an ice cream which wasn't too difficult in the excitement of the moment, and we sunbathed and tried out our new bikinis....




 Wednesday evening was a bit of a disaster...I panicked over tea so decided on a super safe choice (far too restrictive to be counted as a proper meal at all really...) then didn't even manage to keep that down. Cue more tears and stress about how I was possibly going to carry on like this, but my Thursday morning prayer and chill time (when I've started fasting from technology for 12 hours as well) helped a lot.

I think I've been finding things so hard partially because I'm a bit unsure about the future again...I'm praying into it and I know God will provide and will never leave or forsake me...

I'm trying to focus on the blessing of the current beautiful weather, the people I get to spend time with and happy music. Life is so full of colour...I refuse to live a half life dictated by an eating disorder...I want life in all its fullness. That's what God wants for me as well...so I know this amazing, exciting life I should be leading in the future won't be compromised, and that's a huge comfort.

One of my favourite songs at the moment is Ben Cantelon's 'Everything in Colour':
The world comes alive
You have opened my eyes
Everything I see is in color
No more black and white
Because I've seen the light
Everything I see is in color


^ the chorus makes me so happy... <3

those moments....

Compared to recent months, I've had a lot of 'those moments' over the last couple of weeks. Moments of pure joy; moments when I feel excitement for the future and a real desire to open a new chapter; moments when I know God is using me and blessing me...and in those moments, food and weight just don't matter any more... It's such a brilliant realization when I've just had one - like a second of surprise...'wow, I feel free'. There have been hard moments too - panics, fears, tears and anxiety, but 'those moments' give me motivation to keep pushing towards full recovery, and remind me why I'm doing this when I have those days when I just want to throw in the proverbial towel and go back to the ED.

 Because, in 'those moments', eating disordered thoughts and behaviours take a back seat to the beauty of life, and the excitement for the future, and the enormity of who my God is...

Last Saturday night (12th May), I was unexpectedly off work, and Maddy, Matty and I (in the midst of varnishing her floor for her new room) decided to go on a spontaneous bike ride. We grabbed a rucksack, batteries for the ipod speakers and three bottles of pear cider and set out on our goal of chasing the sunset to the canal....

it was one of those moments.I was so, so happy. With two of my favourite people, knowing that we were going to London to learn and grow and just enjoying the Spring evening, music and beauty around us...

Sadly, the sunset beat us there, but luckily we didn't mind. It was such a fun night.

and while I was worried about the calories in the cider, I felt freer than I have for a long time, and like there was actually space in my mind to take in the joy and the freedom that I am entitled to. It was amazing.

Then on Monday, we as team IMPACT! (me, John, Maddy and Matty) headed down to London at 3am for the HTB Leadership Conference. Maddy and I initially weren't going to go because it was so expensive, until a last minute ridiculously cheap deal came along...and I somehow managed to wangle it off work. Definitely a God thing.

I was so challenged by the conference - it was a bit of a teaching overload at times, but so so inspiring and the worship and fellowship was incredible. I learned lots and lots, but the main thing I felt that God was saying to me was that I need to aim less for perfection, but more for authenticity. This is relevant in every area of my life, but particularly in my youth work - I feel like I need to more vulnerable in terms of the youth which is scary, but important. In my supervision the other day I spoke to John about it (and we had our first conversation relating to my eating disorder, which has kind of been the 'elephant in the room' in previous supervisions!) and I'm going to try to slowly find more of a balance...I know I need to be more honest about my struggles in my leadership - in order to be an authentic example, it's SO important to break the culture of the 'stained glass masquerade'...it's so scary, but I know God's got it covered and I'm looking to Him for guidance with how to go about this...

^ we've been blessed by amazing times with our youth and children the past couple of weeks...the things I've been learning have made me re-realize how huge the investment we need to be making in the younger ones - they're going to keep going, and we need to equip the next generations...a huge responsibility, but one we don't have to handle on our own. Oh, God is ridiculously good.

I'm going to go and finish my lunch now because, whether I'm hungry or not, and however little I want to eat it today, it's the way to create more of 'those moments' for myself in the next days and weeks... I'll leave with a quote that meant a lot to me at the conference

"Humility isn't about denying our strengths - it's recognizing and being honest about our weaknesses..."

What is recovery to me?

I started this as a kind of spider diagram (but without the lines because they make things look way too messy!) page for inspiration in my journal: What does recovery mean to me?

I've been thinking about this a lot lately...some people seem to think that being recoverED instead of recoverING happens when suddenly everything in your life is perfect and happy. That's a lovely idea, and the prospect of things being perfect is obviously extremely appealing but, in reality, life is never going to be perfect. I know that things won't be perfect until heaven - and I'm actually very much okay with that because I know that that place of total intimacy with God will be so worth all of the pain of this earth. But where does that leave me in terms of defining recovery and being recovered?

I read somewhere that being recovered means that you have the ability to deal with the disappointments in life in a healthy way, and I find that idea a lot more realistic than the 'everything being perfect' view of recovered. But that's not enough...

So here are some of the things that recovery means to me:

• Living life in all its fullness (John 10:10)
• Letting go of being obsessive and over-controlling
• Being healthy enough to do all the things I'm meant to do.

• Working through my problems instead of punishing myself for them
• Offering myself to God as a living sacrifice (Romans 12:1)

• Knowing that negative thoughts and feelings don't have to lead to negative actions
• Going out for meals with the people I love and enjoying the company, flavours and textures without anxiety over calories/fat/weight

 Trusting God with EVERY aspect of my life

To me, my goal of being recovered isn't about a number on the scales that shows I'm healthy; the ability to be comfortable eating healthy amounts or even reaching the point where restricting/making myself sick isn't something I'd ever desire. Yes, those are all part of it but overall I'm aiming for a wholeness that comes from trusting entirely in God, and a new recognition of who He is - and who I can be as a result of that...

I'm not there yet - to be honest, I'm only just setting out on getting there when I think about it in perspective, but every day, making the right decisions inches me closer to being recovered. And best of all, I know that on those days where I fight and fight and struggle to move forward at all, God will carry me.

It's all about surrrender...


"as long as we're trying to save ourselves, He can't save us" <3