creating a beautiful day..

Although I've been struggling quite a bit with food and exercise-related things the past couple of weeks, I had an absolutely LOVELY bonfire weekend at home last weekend: I saw my church family, got to lead worship again, bought a cute new onesie, had a breakfast date with my mum, saw my parents and had a mini-induction to the job I'll be doing at christmas when I'm home (cleaning the golf club). It was beautiful:

However, I ate so much. It probably logically was a really normal amount, but because of the way I've been eating at uni lately (having smaller meals more frequently each day and tending to have the 'safe' option and do it all myself), it was really scary to have 'big' meals with a starter and main course with side dishes etc - and to not be in control of preparing them. I was so caught up in the emotion of seeing everyone that I managed fine at the time, but had a bit of a panic on the train home and have been struggling more since...

But this morning I decided I was going to create a beautiful day.

I don't like Thursdays. We have a symposium most Thursday mornings (essentially 4 lectures back to back without a break), and today we even had an extra lecture scheduled for after the symposium: 9am-1pm in a lecture theatre hearing about cancer isn't the most fun, but this morning I made the conscious decision to make today a good one. How?

1) I prayed. My alarm was set for early for extra time but I pressed snooze too much (silly dozy Anna is a bit selfish with her sleep apparently!) and only managed to get up about 15 minutes early. But I had a flick through my Bible and took the time to commit the day to God in prayer; to tell Him that I couldn't do it in my own strength but that I wanted to glorify Him today - and would He be able to help me? 

2) I made a wholesome, healthy breakfast the night before. No decision anxiety required; no portion panic to begin the day - I just took my glass of muesli and yummy additions out of the fridge and sat down to eat it.

3) I reminded myself of what I was doing. As I sat in lecture, I had a verse that had been stalking me on social networking this morning (think Romans 12:12 was the youversion verse of the day!) written on my hand during the lectures as a constant reminder...

...and the results were brilliant! I was able to listen and stay pretty much focused the whole way through the (slightly painful) morning of lectures - which is unheard of for me in a symposium! Usually I've given up trying to understand it an hour in!

also, little unexpected blessings made me happy - Alice returned to me my orange pen I thought I'd lost. Not a big deal to most people, but I love my colour schemes (to a worryingly OCD extent, but that's a different story) so it got rid of some anxiety that's been floating around my notes for the past week or so.

I'm still messing up, of course. Today I've done lots of things I probably shouldn't - calorie counting, body checking and loads more things. But I'm pretty happy with how the day's going: I feel like I've created it beautifully within my constraints: God is good and I am so blessed.

Autumn blessings and cutting through ribs

Wow, things have changed a lot since my last post!

I've properly decided on my church here - I'm going to St Peter's, which is the HTB plant...initially I felt really guilty about doing the standard 'going to an amazing megachurch' thing, but I felt so drawn to it and actually I've realized it's not like that at all. It's not too big, very loving and the vision it has for serving the community is so good - and, although the worship and teaching is outstanding, I don't feel like I'm just 'taking in' as opposed to serving as well. On a Sunday morning I've started working with the 0-1 year olds - the service starts with kids' songs and then the parents drop their children at their various groups so they can enjoy the service without worrying:it's quite busy given that most of the babies are 6 months or younger! They're ridiculously cute though, and I'm getting reused to the attractiveness of baby sick and changing nappies! 

Then on Sunday evenings we have the student service - it's great and I love the worship! It's so nice to be regularly worshipping without the pressure of leading and I find it's really easy for me to connect with God there. I've also made some amazing friends at church and I'm already really close to one girl in particular. Oh, we also have team nights on a Tuesday evening which are pretty much small groups for students...still getting used to being in the small groups as opposed to leading them (and I'm still working on being brave enough to add to the discussion much!) but it's great for fellowship and we have worship and prayer times as well.

I'm actually feeling really close to God at the moment  - I got a book from a second hand stall this weekend and I'm starting the day using it as a prayer tool and to focus me which is amazing so far..

In terms of uni, things are still going generally well. It's quite up and down - some days I sit in lectures thinking 'oh my goodness, why am I here? I don't have a clue what this lecturer's even talking about!' but then other days I feel really engaged and surprisingly capable...I think that's probably what it's like for everyone so I'm not too worried! I had an interesting dissection session on Friday - I was much more comfortable with the whole thing than the first session, and managed to improve my perspective with the fact that I was cutting into somebody (the first time I was so scared of doing it wrong and damaging the cadaver that I didn't want to try and just watched for a lot of it). It actually made me feel so close to God - we opened up the thoracic cage and looked at all the intercostal muscles and tissues/blood vessels and it was quite hard to imagine how anyone who was seeing all of that could believe that it had all just been created through accidental evolution! I have to admit though that remembering the noise cutting through a rib made still makes me shudder: don't think I'll be heading for orthopaedic surgery anytime soon...

 I'm quite overwhelmed by work at the moment in terms of keeping on top of lecture notes and essays etc but I'm managing to maintain an A in everything we've had marked so far which is a good sign. Last night was horrible though - I got really panicky and had to go for a walk to calm down - but the fact that I was able to know when to stop trying to work and to take time out is a positive sign in itself...

 

Socially, I'm managing to get the balance with flatmates/coursemates/church friends as far as I can tell - so many lovely people here and I'm enjoying getting to know them all. I'm going to Medical CU on Monday evenings which is like a Bible study where we can connect with other Christian medics (and get tips from those who are further on in the course!), and girls' football on Friday nights, so I've met lots of new people through those as well.

 

 It was also so amazing to have Maddy and Shereen staying this weekend - I took them on a tour of Brighton and to a restaurant I discovered and love (an organic buffet place with lots of delicious vegetables and different salads/meat dishes) and we had nice chilled-out nights in catching up etc. They came to church with me on Sunday morning and absolutely loved it so it made me even more certain of my choice!

In terms of food, things have been a bit mixed lately, but I'm trying to be sensible with it all. I managed to dodge getting my weight and height measured when I registered with the GP here as well, although it was very tempting to 'have to find out' (I just estimated on the form and ticked a box saying it was totally recent and accurate, which was a bit of a white lie but the right decision I think :p). I'm also very blessed in that both of the other girls in my flat eat very substantial meals and happily snack on things like ice cream and pizza - I know I'd find it a lot harder if I felt like I was eating more than other people (although I am trying not to compare things like that) so I'm so thankful for their relaxed attitude to food. Joanna, who I've got really close to at church, also now knows that I have some issues with food and things (not really details, but we're comfortable enough with each other to be honest about struggles which is good!) which is a big step in terms of some accountability and support etc. It's so nice having a bit of back up at church when I want to turn down food I'm not comfortable with because St Peter's is super keen on morning service pastries and evening service pizza and chocolate...and it's a win/win situation for the two of us because Jo is more than happy to eat what I don't want! So it's been quite hard over the past few weeks but it's amazing to see how blessed I am by the people around me even in the way they model a healthier attitude to eating. I just need to stay motivated and try not to restrict because I find it so tempting when I'm so in control of my meals!
 

I love my flat!:

 

Already all I need

I'm in Spain at the moment, on holiday with my parents as a chance to relax and spend a bit of time with them before I go to uni. it's lovely to actually see them, but also a HUGE challenge. This is the first time I've been away with my parents since before my eating disorder began...and I'm so unused to having my food so totally in their control...

There are also none of my safe foods or brands around; we're eating pretty much all of our meals out (only one meal in the past 3 days has been at home); I don't know any of the restaurants and all the menus are in Spanish so I never really know what I'm ordering anyway. It's quite scary - and I am struggling. I'll be honest and say it's very, very hard. My anxiety is high a lot of the time and I'm stretched to the limit on appearing okay with everything.

But...God is so present in this holiday. Every time I reach that point at which I honestly don't think I can cope, He blesses me. He brings me encouragement in different way...a cute facebook message from a friend; an unexpected half hour to myself to just chill and read; a breakfast cafe that does fruit and yoghurt! (okay, it was far from my 'safe yoghurt' - so thick I could barely spoon it out, but it was still a blessing and very yummy...)

I also just discovered and downloaded an amazing new worship album by Christy Nockels. And I'm currently on the terrace, listening to 'Already All I Need' on repeat and getting a bit teary eyed...because it's so true, and it's so appropriate.

Already All I Need
'Asking where You are, Lord. Wondering where You’ve been. Is like standing in a hurricane, trying to find the wind. And hoping for Your mercy to meet me where I am. Is forgetting that Your thoughts for me, outnumber the sand. You filled the sun with morning light. You bid the moon to lead the night. You clothe the lilies bright and beautiful. You’re already all I need. Already everything that I could hope for. You’re already all I need. You’ve already set me free. Already making me. More like You. You’re already all I need. Jesus, You’re already all I need. Walking through this life without Your freedom in my heart. Is like holding onto shackles that You have torn apart. So remind me of Your promises. And all that You have done. In this world I will have trouble. But You have overcome. And every gift that I receive. You determine just for me. But nothing I desire compares with You. In Your fullness. You’re my all in all. In Your healing. I’m forever made whole. In Your freedom. Your love overflows. And carries me. You carry me'

For the rest of this holiday, I will walk in the truth of this song. I'll cling to God in every moment of fear and panic and painful stretching of my abilities to overcome and cope, because He is already all I need.

living to make Your name high

I just got back from a lovely holiday in Abersoch - Maddy and I went for a (much needed!) break and had a really nice time, despite the lack of surf meaning we didn't actually get to surf at all because there were never enough waves! 

 We decorated our tent with fairy lights and had access to the house that John and his family were staying in for showers/a kettle etc..it was the best of both worlds really!

Our mad-busy IMPACT! weekend also went really well! The worship on the walking day float was so much fun - it was amazing to be able to publicly declare our faith, as a band made up of ages 15-19, and sing the modern worship songs that we feel connect us to God. 'Your Name High' was our favourite - Ducky was SO amazing at it on drums that it was such a joy to play so we slotted it in as much as possible on our journey!

I managed to achieve my goals this weekend too, which I'm quite proud of myself for. It wasn't easy at all but having such clear goals and allowing no negotiation with myself meant that I could focus on the things that were really important.

However, I'm really struggling at the moment, having done so well in Abersoch (ate fish and chips/an ice cream as well as my normal healthy breakfasts and salads/sandwiches etc), because I know I've put weight on over the past couple of weeks and it feels unsafe and like things are a bit out of control.
It's so frustrating because I seem incapable of making actual progress sometimes. Since I seriously started tackling recovery since my relapse, there seems to be a bit of a pattern I follow:

1. struggle and lose weight again
2. fight really hard to pull everything back on track; tackle fears and challenge myself with food
3. put on a bit of weight (in the words of my best friend 'look better')
4. panic and want to go back to restricting
5. back to step 1

it's so hard because, looking at it like that, it seems that the issue is my motivation for recovery. and that's so not true! I want recovery so much, because to me it means wholeness and being close to God and able to do what He's calling me to do...and there is nothing more important to me than that. Complete surrender is my ultimate goal at the moment. But I will keep offering up my life, and keep trusting in God.

Philippians 2:13 'for God is working in you, giving you the desire to obey Him and the power to do what pleases Him'

Life continues...

things have been crazy busy around IMPACT! lately...we have walking day and our July outreach IMPACT! this weekend, along with lots more mentoring etc and I'm also having to take much more responsibility with the worship at church, so I've not had much free time for blogging!

I've had lots of fun times lately though - night out with Maddy and Shereen in Manchester; our girly beach party; birthday sunsets and celebrations; a day in Yorkshire with Matty; skiing at Chill Factore with Mads and lots more happy moments where I've thought 'you know what? this life really is beautiful and worth all the stress and struggles'. And it is:

I'm still processing a lot of stuff...things with food seem to be so unpredictable at the moment. Some days I can do really well and feel okay, then others I feel like I'm back to square one. But I'm trusting God with it still. Had a good journalling session yesterday...

 

This weekend is going to be so crazy, but I know it'll be worth it.  And I have a major set of our goals for it:

•  no restricting food...at all. I'll eat what I really want to (obviously being realistic in terms of sticking to fairly healthy foods), when I'm hungry, and stop when I'm full.
• no being sick/compensating for what I eat in any way.
• relax around food; be more spontaneous...not just sticking to the exact same brands and foods.

I'm determined to be successful. Everything we're doing this weekend is to glorify God; to put Him up on a platform...there just isn't space for overthinking and wasting energy on earthly things like food. I'm also taking an upfront role a lot in terms of worship on the walking day float and at IMPACT! - I can't stand up there and glorify God publicly if I'm not doing it privately; in my own failings and struggles. His grace is sufficient to carry me through this and I need to trust Him by challenging myself.

<3

Peace that transcends

This week has, thankfully, been a lot better. Not easy by any means, but better than last week. My caring shifts were much less forgiving and I'm exhausted as a result, but I've learned a lot this week again.

When I woke up this morning for another 6am shift, I genuinely could barely drag myself out of bed. Not fun, but it meant I turned to God and relied on His strength right from the start of the day. 'Lord let me do this day in Your strength and for Your glory' was my simple and repeated prayer this morning - and it worked! I feel like the past few weeks have really helped me learn to surrender more and more.

There have been lots of funny moments this week - where I've laughed until my whole body ached and my eyes were watering.

We went to see the Olympic Torch coming through Warrington, and it was amazing to spend time with some of my amazing young people - we waved and squealed and pretended to be excited because we want to make our own fun...I love how easy it is to liven up an hour spent standing in the rain!

It's good to have some of those moments back...sure, they've come alongside a lot of the other kind of moments - the anxiety, tears, 'I don't know how I'll get through the next hour' kind of moments. But I guess it's all part of life's rich tapestry....and a big mixture of emotions and situations gives us more opportunity to appreciate the present and actually live.

I had an amazing 'God experience' on Monday night as well. No-one was about for music practice so I took the opportunity to spend time in church worshipping on my own. The low evening light was so beautiful, everything just faded away and I played through songs (and actually saw real musical improvement over the session!). I got a real peace - the Philippians 4:7 peace that transcends all understanding, and felt whole again.

Yes I've made myself sick this week, yes I've stopped myself from eating what I really wanted - I've even had panic attacks and come very close to weighing myself. But while it's still frustrating that I'm not doing as well with my recovery as I feel I probably should be, my relationship with God is growing so much through my struggles! And, actually, there shouldn't be a separation between those two aspects of my life, because both are ultimately about wholeness.

Ups and downs

Yesterday's Monday photo:

Everything has continued to be very mixed in terms of how I'm doing, but I've learned a lot even in the past few days...

On Friday, I was so blessed by being able to help out with the Booth family moving house. It was AMAZING to see 12 or more people from the church family taking time off work; bringing their trailers and cars and cleaning materials to help with the move...it made me so proud, again, to be part of that family where people are self-sacrificial and draw together to help each other out... It was hard work (I did LOTS of lifting and shifting) but a really good day!


Saturday brought my first shift as a care worker...and I LOVED it. It's so rewarding to feel like you're genuinely making a difference to people and their trust and vulnerability is humbling.

It’s also made me so thankful for how able bodied I am. I see these people who are incontinent, bedbound and completely relying on others for things I would totally take for granted like having a drink of water or wiping a running nose… It’s made me realize, too, how precious this body I have is, and how fragile really – the thought of getting old and infirm scares me, so I really do need to take care of this body and keep it as strong and healthy as I can.

This Sunday morning (11th) I led worship, with my guitar, for the first time ever! I cheated by not plugging it in but, still!

We did 'Heart of Worship'; 'Hiding Place'; 'Our God'; 'The Stand' and 'How great'. I started off the first song with a prayer which felt really right and I felt really comfortable saying which bits we were doing and leading etc in a way I wouldn’t have done before getting so much more confident in Africa…it felt very natural!
Also, I really feel like my heart was in the right place with it. Like, I prayed that morning that it really didn’t matter if I even ended up playing/singing and truly meant it - I was pushing out of my comfort zone for God's glory and not my own...and God blessed my inadequate efforts! He really is good. Always.

Onward and upwards...I'm continuing to be blessed by time with our worship group (our second monthly meal was last night and it was fantastic!); recipes from my Dad (e.g. dried fruit goo as I like to call it) and my amazing support network.





Today I have a scary but necessary step to make - tell my parents about my relapse. I've typed them out a letter, and I'm going to leave it for them when I go out this evening. I'm terrified, but determined, and trusting God in this.

p.s It's decision-time for medicine...and I'm confident I'm going to go for it!

for Your glory...

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

This week is challenging but rewarding; hard but exciting. Things with food have been really difficult and there have been lots of tears and 'I can't do this' moments but, at the same time, it's been a big week for me in terms of everything else...

I ended up leading a music practice on Monday...on my guitar as well as singing! It was the first time I'd played plugged into the system ever and was very scary and daunting, but I'm proud of the way my confidence has improved...even if I did rip my poor fingers apart a bit!


Last night, at IMPACT! youth group, I also did a talk for the first time! I started off by testing them on their geography knowledge, spoke a bit about South Africa and focused on God's plans, the rewards of putting our trust in Him and Jeremiah 29:11.

It went really well - the group who never ever listen actually quietly and respectfully listened (even staying quiet during a prayer!) and then clapped at the end...definitely ended yesterday on a high...

A couple of days ago I created a new ipod playlist (called 'Wholeness'), and have as a result been listening to some good music I've forgotten about. One line in 'voice of truth' by Casting Crowns stood out to me...

"the voice of truth says this is for my glory..."

and I'm reminding myself of that daily, as I do things that are difficult. While I'm tackling meals; stepping out of my comfort zone and battling thoughts in my mind...



God, I'm doing all of this for Your glory. Because I want to be healthy and strong, and able to glorify You in all the ways you have planned for me...

p.s this week's love monday:

"there is no change without vulnerability"

This week's Love Monday picture for Mads was us with the fish. It was a hilarious one to make - Matty's fish face wasn't the best, and he kept making funny noises when 'losing' it. We have lots of outtake pictures, but this was the one we chose.

My beautiful new guitar (so far unnamed) arrived on Wednesday... I'm loving it! such a lovely-sounding guitar, and I'm going to really work hard to improve at guitar over the next weeks and months...



Wednesday was a really good day because I also GOT A 2ND JOB! I'm officially (well, depending on CRB so basically all good) employed as a home carer for elderly and disabled people! I have training a week on Monday and Tuesday then will be good to start when my CRB comes through - very excited...


Worship Central Manchester on Wednesday night was also amazing. Brilliant worship, which the small group of youth we took LOVED and good teaching too.


However, the things Tim Hughes said about eating disorders and chains hit me hard. Denial and distractions have kept me apart from realising this, but over the last couple of months I've pretty much relapsed. Back to calorie counting, restricting, weighing in every day etc etc. I can't let this take control again so I took the step and sent a text late Wednesday night, reaching out.

I got a reply during Manna on Thursday morning: "thanks for being brave!" along with an offer to meet up and talk that night. So I built up courage over the day and curled up on her sofa, sipping water, and opened up.
My main advice, having almost pushed away practical things - not sure if I was ready to try for recovery again yet - was to be real with myself. Allow myself to be vulnerable and bring this before God. Praying about it with her made me cry, but it helped because it was the start of openness and reaching out to Him who supplies all my needs, and got me over the initial shame and fear.

Then yesterday morning I did my standard recent routine - up, go to the toilet and head for the scales. Get undressed, push on them to get them loading and....nothing. No flicker of '0.0kg'...just no sign of life from them. I took the battery out, blew on it, put it back in and still nothing. My scales are officially not working, and I'm trying to be okay with it. Sometimes we have to laugh in these situations we don't like, but can clearly see God working for our good in...

And,today, while it's not a good thing to be back in the place where I consider it a serious achievement to manage porridge for breakfast after not being able to weigh myself 2 mornings in a row, I know that it's also an opportunity. For growth; for dependance on God; for increasing humility; for relearning self care and the ability to recognise how far I've come over the past few months. (I almost typed "how far I'd come", as in past tense, before I started struggling again, but relapse does not negate recovery!)

It's IMPACT! tomorrow, I've slept well and am loving Matt Redman's latest album (10,000 reasons). "Never Once" is giving me lots of strength today:

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone