living to make Your name high

I just got back from a lovely holiday in Abersoch - Maddy and I went for a (much needed!) break and had a really nice time, despite the lack of surf meaning we didn't actually get to surf at all because there were never enough waves! 

 We decorated our tent with fairy lights and had access to the house that John and his family were staying in for showers/a kettle etc..it was the best of both worlds really!

Our mad-busy IMPACT! weekend also went really well! The worship on the walking day float was so much fun - it was amazing to be able to publicly declare our faith, as a band made up of ages 15-19, and sing the modern worship songs that we feel connect us to God. 'Your Name High' was our favourite - Ducky was SO amazing at it on drums that it was such a joy to play so we slotted it in as much as possible on our journey!

I managed to achieve my goals this weekend too, which I'm quite proud of myself for. It wasn't easy at all but having such clear goals and allowing no negotiation with myself meant that I could focus on the things that were really important.

However, I'm really struggling at the moment, having done so well in Abersoch (ate fish and chips/an ice cream as well as my normal healthy breakfasts and salads/sandwiches etc), because I know I've put weight on over the past couple of weeks and it feels unsafe and like things are a bit out of control.
It's so frustrating because I seem incapable of making actual progress sometimes. Since I seriously started tackling recovery since my relapse, there seems to be a bit of a pattern I follow:

1. struggle and lose weight again
2. fight really hard to pull everything back on track; tackle fears and challenge myself with food
3. put on a bit of weight (in the words of my best friend 'look better')
4. panic and want to go back to restricting
5. back to step 1

it's so hard because, looking at it like that, it seems that the issue is my motivation for recovery. and that's so not true! I want recovery so much, because to me it means wholeness and being close to God and able to do what He's calling me to do...and there is nothing more important to me than that. Complete surrender is my ultimate goal at the moment. But I will keep offering up my life, and keep trusting in God.

Philippians 2:13 'for God is working in you, giving you the desire to obey Him and the power to do what pleases Him'

Life continues...

things have been crazy busy around IMPACT! lately...we have walking day and our July outreach IMPACT! this weekend, along with lots more mentoring etc and I'm also having to take much more responsibility with the worship at church, so I've not had much free time for blogging!

I've had lots of fun times lately though - night out with Maddy and Shereen in Manchester; our girly beach party; birthday sunsets and celebrations; a day in Yorkshire with Matty; skiing at Chill Factore with Mads and lots more happy moments where I've thought 'you know what? this life really is beautiful and worth all the stress and struggles'. And it is:

I'm still processing a lot of stuff...things with food seem to be so unpredictable at the moment. Some days I can do really well and feel okay, then others I feel like I'm back to square one. But I'm trusting God with it still. Had a good journalling session yesterday...

 

This weekend is going to be so crazy, but I know it'll be worth it.  And I have a major set of our goals for it:

•  no restricting food...at all. I'll eat what I really want to (obviously being realistic in terms of sticking to fairly healthy foods), when I'm hungry, and stop when I'm full.
• no being sick/compensating for what I eat in any way.
• relax around food; be more spontaneous...not just sticking to the exact same brands and foods.

I'm determined to be successful. Everything we're doing this weekend is to glorify God; to put Him up on a platform...there just isn't space for overthinking and wasting energy on earthly things like food. I'm also taking an upfront role a lot in terms of worship on the walking day float and at IMPACT! - I can't stand up there and glorify God publicly if I'm not doing it privately; in my own failings and struggles. His grace is sufficient to carry me through this and I need to trust Him by challenging myself.

<3

Heidi and general life

Since I last posted, I’ve been really busy with IMPACT! stuff and getting used to the routine…

I had a lovely Saturday when I sang at Jenny Fox (a lady from church)’s wedding. It was just me, Wayne and Conor in the band, which confused me at first but it turned out well and we polished the songs off in epic practices.


That afternoon, I went and picked up MY CAR! It’s a little white Hyundai i10, which I have named Heidi! I love her, and life has been so much less complicated (but a bit more expensive with petrol…) since I have the ability to get around…

The night I got her, I took Maddy on a drive and we went down some random roads and ended up on this horrendous pot hole track! It was awful, and I had to drive at 5mph while we tried to work out where we were…funny times. Mads also got out of the car to take a picture, then immediately got back in like ‘lock the doors Anna, I can hear breathing!!” :D. The car also means I've been able to see Josh lots more, which is really lovely...



Last week’s theology course went really well – it was so interesting and I really felt like I learned a lot. One thing that stood out was the doctrine of the trinity, because it’s one of those topics that seems to be underrepresented in sermons etc, probably because it’s so complicated!

On Tuesday evening, I had tea at Maddy’s (Ian was there too, and we had a delicious tea!) then watched 90210 with Mads, Lexie and Ruthy before Matty and I gave her our presents – fluffy socks, some little animals to represent us, options hot chocolate and other nibbly bits. When I drove home at about 12:30am, I was sobbing in the car…dramatic times. I don’t like goodbyes at all! But I know she’ll have an amazing time – and she seems to be enjoying it so far.

Matty and I have started a ‘love Monday’ especially for Maddy – today we let ourselves into her house and took a picture of us with her stuff, as well as washing up and leaving her dad a present. We’ll be doing it every week now, so that’ll be nice :).




I love the youth groups and I love the youth! One of the Rock Solid girls made a commitment yesterday which was really encouraging, and I’m building good relationships with them all.
Yesterday I felt so confident in myself all day – in a way that could only have come from God. In church I felt like I carried the music group (leader wasn’t feeling well and we hadn’t practiced enough). Yesterday was a really good day in terms of juggling everything – I felt capable. Today, I've been applying for other part time jobs and things feel good at the moment! Food stuff has been a bit difficult but I'm sure it's just because of the fact I'm adjusting to a new routine...

Happy Monday <3

Beautiful life

It's time for an update! I've had a lovely half term holiday in Turkey and am now settling back into college...


(Hannah and I on a gulet cruise in Turkey - it was amazing!)

On the university front, I'm still playing the waiting game. The only thing I've heard from my unis are a couple of emails asking me if I want to change to 2011 entry (I've deferred until 2012 so I can have my gap year volunteering) because of the increasing fees. I've had to seriously think about it, because it could mean an extra £30,000 of debt to pay off, but honestly I feel that my gap year is more important to me at the moment so I'm risking the money!



College is good socially, because I've got properly settled back into my friendship group and now know lots of people in my lessons. All my subjects are noticably more challenging this year, particularly biology - I'm struggling a bit with the stuff we've recently done on photosynthesis and respiration... Hopefully it'll be okay once I've properly looked over it and got my head around it because it's worrying me a little how hard I'm finding it to understand!


Having been the worship leader at two evening services at church, singing more in the mornings and singing with the mic volume crazily high in front of everyone at music practice, I'm definitely growing in confidence with my singing and worship leading. I've had such an amazing positive response, though - so many people have told me I have a beautiful voice and I'm actually beginning to trust that I can really sing and it's not just everyone being nice! The hardest thing for me at the moment is probably the leading side now - telling people what to do etc, because it doesn't come particularly naturally to me so it's something I have to work on. Impact! has been really good recently, too, especially the one before last: cardboard praise, in which we had to write on cardboard the things that God had done in our lives and hold them up - it was SO amazing seeing all the things and it gives me shivers just thinking about it. Seeing those pieces of cardboard was so emotive and lifted my heart - worshipping after that was fab, seriously! :D



As of 6.11.10 (church bonfire which was so lovely!), I'm also going out with an amazing boy from church - Conor. He's so so lovely and sweet, a good Christian and also pretty hot! ;) It's early days but I can really imagine this relationship going somewhere and lasting a long time - I really trust him and feel like we know each other so well already :) I'm happy!





I've had a good month or so finding my balance with alcohol - it sounds silly but I really think I'm learning about my limits (and becoming less of a lightweight!). I got really drunk at the social, but sobered up at the perfect time to look after everyone else, and at a party this Friday I had some apple sourz with lemonade and dr pepper, and alternated them because I was going home and couldn't get drunk :). I think I've got the balance for the moment and this makes me happy :D




And just to show I've not grown out of my silly ways - today Maddy and I managed to miss the bus home from college today...while sitting at the bus stop! We suddenly realised everyone from our bus had gone but definitely didn't see it - blonde moments much?!! haha!

Life is still good - so good! Challenges might be coming academically, spiritually (I know I've been praying and reading my Bible less recently, and need to build it back up again!) and emotionally with all this uni stuff, but God is providing and I know I'm safe in His hands.
In the words of Shell Perris: "it's a beautiful life - there's so much to give, yes, I'm gonna live this beautiful life" :).
xxxxxxx

My Tuesday

Marks for Today: 7/10 :]



Today was pretty good - I enjoyed all of my lessons, especially music, netball (PE) and chemistry. Music was particularly awesome because I changed my solo-performance song which had been really stressing me out! I am now singing 'Hello' by Evanenscence, and apparently have the same tone of voice as Amy Lee but "without the gothicness". Lol at that!

SO I was on a high because of that and because my favourite teacher was really nice to me about the whole singing-confidence thing and said I could practise with her whenever so that was cool :], and because I was happy the rest of the day was pretty good too..

Although, I was left alone for a bit in the evening when my Dad went to the supermarket and Mum was still at work and then the phone rang and there was no-one on the other end which creeped me out a bit, but everything's good still :).

So, yeah, I'd best be off for my shower so my hair can dry in time for bed :P
Arriverderci