Already all I need

I'm in Spain at the moment, on holiday with my parents as a chance to relax and spend a bit of time with them before I go to uni. it's lovely to actually see them, but also a HUGE challenge. This is the first time I've been away with my parents since before my eating disorder began...and I'm so unused to having my food so totally in their control...

There are also none of my safe foods or brands around; we're eating pretty much all of our meals out (only one meal in the past 3 days has been at home); I don't know any of the restaurants and all the menus are in Spanish so I never really know what I'm ordering anyway. It's quite scary - and I am struggling. I'll be honest and say it's very, very hard. My anxiety is high a lot of the time and I'm stretched to the limit on appearing okay with everything.

But...God is so present in this holiday. Every time I reach that point at which I honestly don't think I can cope, He blesses me. He brings me encouragement in different way...a cute facebook message from a friend; an unexpected half hour to myself to just chill and read; a breakfast cafe that does fruit and yoghurt! (okay, it was far from my 'safe yoghurt' - so thick I could barely spoon it out, but it was still a blessing and very yummy...)

I also just discovered and downloaded an amazing new worship album by Christy Nockels. And I'm currently on the terrace, listening to 'Already All I Need' on repeat and getting a bit teary eyed...because it's so true, and it's so appropriate.

Already All I Need
'Asking where You are, Lord. Wondering where You’ve been. Is like standing in a hurricane, trying to find the wind. And hoping for Your mercy to meet me where I am. Is forgetting that Your thoughts for me, outnumber the sand. You filled the sun with morning light. You bid the moon to lead the night. You clothe the lilies bright and beautiful. You’re already all I need. Already everything that I could hope for. You’re already all I need. You’ve already set me free. Already making me. More like You. You’re already all I need. Jesus, You’re already all I need. Walking through this life without Your freedom in my heart. Is like holding onto shackles that You have torn apart. So remind me of Your promises. And all that You have done. In this world I will have trouble. But You have overcome. And every gift that I receive. You determine just for me. But nothing I desire compares with You. In Your fullness. You’re my all in all. In Your healing. I’m forever made whole. In Your freedom. Your love overflows. And carries me. You carry me'

For the rest of this holiday, I will walk in the truth of this song. I'll cling to God in every moment of fear and panic and painful stretching of my abilities to overcome and cope, because He is already all I need.

a mad Summer....

I thought last year's Summer was crazy. Well, crazy busy took on a new definition this Summer!
I've had an amazing few weeks though. Each holiday deserves its own post, but I know I'll never get around to that so I'll try to summarise a bit now: started off with camping in Devon with Maddy and her family - surfing lots.
 
 

Then to MCYC Inters 2, where I was stretched in new ways. I had an amazing group of girls (go the White Knights!) who were such a blessing...they were clingy and loving, and I was so honoured to be able to do my best to teach them more about the God who made them and adores every inch of them.




Highlights were definitely bribing my girls to be quiet at night by singing/playing each room in turn Brooke Fraser songs, and just seeing all of the campers worship. I've never met a group of kids who were so keen to sing - honestly. They were amazing...I'll never forget the way they filled up that rec room with enthusiastic 'oo-oo-oo-oo-ooo' between each verse of 'You're Beautiful'. Wow.


Soul Survivor was next, bringing new challenges and many more blessings. It was definitely hard work - especially still fighting the exhaustion of literally no recuperation time between that and MCYC. Being pastorally responsible for a group at such an emotive and challenging event was draining, but it was also brilliant to be able to see how God was working in the young people. The worship party on the last night was SO much fun as well...I don't think I've ever danced so much in my life, but being surrounded by our young people jumping up and down with enthusiasm for God was a definite energy boost...good times!



One of our young people made a video of our time at Soul which sums things up pretty well!

 

Next was momentum...Maddy and I stayed on for the weekend after Soul to go to the first half of momentum which was fun as well.  We were sooo tired and drained and just a bit stressed out by then, so I don't think we fully appreciated the opportunities we had to learn and grow, but it was good to get the chance to worship in our own space.

I also was so moved by the most amazing talk that Danielle Strickland did on overcoming fear. It was so relevant to me, and I know the notes I took and the insight I gained from it will continue to have an impact on me as I develop and grow. 

She focused a lot on 2 Timothy 1:7 " For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." 

Something I found really valuable as well was her point that overcoming cannot just be mind over matter. It has to be a revelation of who God is in our spirit - how truly incredible He is; how much He truly loves us.  So true. <3 span="span">

Next up was Day Camp: working at HCBC to run a camp for 6-12 year olds, 8am-6pm each day. We got back from Momentum at 2am on Monday morning, and had to be at Day Camp for 8am so the exhaustion continued...it was a brilliant week though. The kids were a lot younger than the age we generally work with but I loved interacting with the younger ones and found the week so rewarding.
The staff times (morning and evening) were fuelling which was really good. We had worship, a challenging message each morning and prayer times - including prayer circles when we prayed for the people on our left and right, then massage chains as well!

Thursday night of Day Camp was also our leaving party - 5 of us (we 3 interns plus Shereen and Jon) were leaving the youth work, so we had a surprise BBQ and water fight/slide-fest before heading into the main hall, where we were given cards. We also each had a person who did a short talk on us and our gifts/futures etc...Amy did mine and was so lovely. Then we all formed a circle and got prayed for by our friends and young people. Amazing. The family feeling here is just unbelievable - even now, thinking about it makes me well up. How can I be this blessed?!

This post has become epic, and I need to do some tidying and sorting tonight. But wow, what a Summer. It's been very hard at times and exhausting, but I honestly am so, so thankful for the opportunities I've had and the people I've been able to share it with.

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endings vs. beginnnings

there have been lots of endings lately....nights at the beach with our 'Sunday night small groups' youth; last team meeting

but there have also been new beginnings! Meeting Matty's family for the first time last week, when we drove to Stockton-on-Tees to spend time with the people he knows and loves from back home. It was quite a nerve-racking experience but went really well, and we had a lovely day. Also, I've been preparing for uni; getting back into running and enjoying weather that suggests that Summer might actually be on its way!

The combination of endings and beginnings everywhere is leaving me a little uncertain and confused over whether or not I like changes like this...I'm not sure I like endings but new beginnings and all their potential excite me so much.

I get a little bit impatient - wanting to cling to everything of my present and take every last drip of opportunity in the parts of my life I love so much now; but at the same time feeling the need to dive headfirst into the future. But I actually love that combination....it's frustrating at times but just shows me how blessed I really am!

Things aren't always easy, but I am blessed. There's no doubt about that...

living to make Your name high

I just got back from a lovely holiday in Abersoch - Maddy and I went for a (much needed!) break and had a really nice time, despite the lack of surf meaning we didn't actually get to surf at all because there were never enough waves! 

 We decorated our tent with fairy lights and had access to the house that John and his family were staying in for showers/a kettle etc..it was the best of both worlds really!

Our mad-busy IMPACT! weekend also went really well! The worship on the walking day float was so much fun - it was amazing to be able to publicly declare our faith, as a band made up of ages 15-19, and sing the modern worship songs that we feel connect us to God. 'Your Name High' was our favourite - Ducky was SO amazing at it on drums that it was such a joy to play so we slotted it in as much as possible on our journey!

I managed to achieve my goals this weekend too, which I'm quite proud of myself for. It wasn't easy at all but having such clear goals and allowing no negotiation with myself meant that I could focus on the things that were really important.

However, I'm really struggling at the moment, having done so well in Abersoch (ate fish and chips/an ice cream as well as my normal healthy breakfasts and salads/sandwiches etc), because I know I've put weight on over the past couple of weeks and it feels unsafe and like things are a bit out of control.
It's so frustrating because I seem incapable of making actual progress sometimes. Since I seriously started tackling recovery since my relapse, there seems to be a bit of a pattern I follow:

1. struggle and lose weight again
2. fight really hard to pull everything back on track; tackle fears and challenge myself with food
3. put on a bit of weight (in the words of my best friend 'look better')
4. panic and want to go back to restricting
5. back to step 1

it's so hard because, looking at it like that, it seems that the issue is my motivation for recovery. and that's so not true! I want recovery so much, because to me it means wholeness and being close to God and able to do what He's calling me to do...and there is nothing more important to me than that. Complete surrender is my ultimate goal at the moment. But I will keep offering up my life, and keep trusting in God.

Philippians 2:13 'for God is working in you, giving you the desire to obey Him and the power to do what pleases Him'

Finding a new routine...

Home is definitely my 'new normal' again at this point - I've caught up with most of my friends; been to church 3 times and settled back into a routine of music practice, WASC and my other old activities as well as new ones...



My weekly schedule is becoming clear, and I’m throwing myself into this IMPACT! job. It’s so exciting and I can tell I’m going to learn and grow a lot through doing this – I only hope I can do the role justice, because I’m realizing the level of responsibility involved and it’s challenging, but in a good way. At the end of last week (4th-6th January), the 4 of us that now make up the team (trained youth worker and 3 of us as interns) went away to Northern Ireland to plan and renew the vision for the next 8 months. It was a really valuable time and we grew closer as a team as well as making a lot of progress with the planning etc…






I’m still looking for another (properly paid so I can start undoing my debts to my parents caused by South Africa) part time job, but haven’t heard anything back from the places I’ve applied yet. I’m not pushing things right now because I’m doing a theology course next week so need it free really anyway!
This week has been pretty good so far – the weekend was amazing, because I had Rock Solid and the pub with everyone (including Josh who was over for the weekend) on Friday, then back at WASC on Saturday, as well as a lovely long walk with Josh and THE BEST DAY on Sunday. Was at church from 9am, to practice music and then my gorgeous Maddy got baptized. Amazing day! The worship went so well, and Mads was fantastic in her talk…




Yesterday, Maddy and I went to Oxford for a free Spa day which was also brilliant.


I’m keen to get organizing with my new IMPACT! notebook so I’ll sign off. Also, exciting news coming up re: a car for me, and ordering my new guitar. As is obvious, I’ve decided not to worry about money in the near future, or I’ll never get anywhere!

Faithful?

I've been avoiding blogging because, although I've been having some amazing times over the summer so far (MCYC camp, New Wine, WASC, general spending time with friends etc...), things have been really hard.

(some pictures from Seniors 1 2011)




Although I'm actually doing really well with food at the moment, and had an amazing healing experience at camp which meant I'm no longer numb and can feel my emotions again, lots of things are crumbling at the moment. I don't want to post a 'depressing blog post', and I'm generally a very positive person...but I think it's important to recognise that sometimes it's okay (necessary in fact) to be realistic about difficult situations...

(me in my Gems uniform at New Wine)

Without going into too much detail on a public blog, my Grandma is now in the hospice and likely to only have days left; other family members (including my mum, who was in hospital after reacting badly to her chemo) are seriously ill; I feel like I have no idea where my life is going; my heart pretty much got broken at camp by a really close guy friend who screwed me over for a girl he barely knows etc etc....
It really just seems like my whole life's crumbling apart...I know that's being overdramatic but it feels that way at the moment and it's only healthy to acknowledge that...

The most important thing at the moment is that I deal with all of this by clinging to God - the solid, loving, unfailing foundation that He is - and no other unhealthy coping mechanisms...this was what I kept remembering last night on a 'getting over Matt' night out - alcohol is not going to make me feel better! Which is why I'm glad Maddy and I were home by 1:30am and eating hash browns in her front room...



The song getting me through at the minute is 'Faithful' by Chris Tomlin...the bridge is pretty amazing <3

You are there in every season of my soul
You are there, You're the anchor that will hold
You are there, in the valley of the shadows
You are faithful, God

I'm alive!

Exams are over! And we’re rolling into summer, more quickly than ever. The seasons of life are coming and going, day by day almost – foodwise I’m doing well, but some days are much, much harder than others! Still, as ever, God’s totally coming through for me. My relationship with God is deepening all the time, especially as I’ve reached the stage of recovery where the numbness has gone and I can worship properly again. I bought Tim Hughes’s most recent album (Love Shine Through) with my birthday itunes vouchers and the song ‘Love Shine Through’ has this line: “In my darkest hour, I am weak but You are strong”. It’s so true for recovery – God’s shown Himself so much in this time, and demonstrated His love and strength (even by just making me feel especially hungry when I’m having a hard day).





Exams went mainly well – chemistry was awful (seems to be a pattern with A-Level chemistry exams…) and I ran out of time on it, but everyone said it was really bad so hopefully the grade boundaries will be low. I find out results on 18th August – anything but AAA or above and medicine is out of the picture, but I’m relaxed about it – I know what’s meant to happen will happen (Jeremiah 29:11)

My birthday was lovely – spent the morning at WASC, then Hayley came over to bring my amazing memory book, then to Walton gardens and Maddy’s to get my hair and make-up done, then 101 with Sophie for cocktails, then Abbie’s party and out in town….a busy but amazing day!




(Maddy's cousin Grace got us all "slutdropping" for the night - when someone shouts 'BOOM!', we had to drop to the floor...good fun!)


I’ve had a really nice couple of weeks since exams finished – had fun catching up with friends and doing worship etc at home...





I also camped in Abersoch for a few nights which was great! The weather was absolutely perfect and the only negative aspect was my horrendous sunburn! I still really enjoyed the holiday though, and we’re going to try to go back to the same campsite later on in the Summer because it was lovely and only 7 pounds per night!


And this picture from Abersoch makes me so happy...it sums up a lot!


The title of this post has two meanings - yes, that I'm still alive because I hadn't posted for so long....but also that I'm living again, letting go of the things that are holding me back and moving forward. I'm truly enjoying myself again, and it's amazing. Walking day tomorrow and the church band is playing on the back of a lorry, then impact on sunday....happy days :)