surrendering for real

I've been working a lot again in terms of Bluebird, and feel like I definitely know what I'm doing in that job now...sometimes I love it - like yesterday I had a lovely tea run of single calls, where I basically made people their tea and their afternoon meds...it was so rewarding and they were all lovely to chat to and very appreciative of my efforts over presenting their food nicely etc.

However sometimes, like yesterday morning, things are not so nice with work. I had to take a lady shopping, and she was just a bit of a nightmare. I'd really hurt my back on Saturday night so wasn't thrilled to have to lift her wheelchair in and out of the back of my poor little car, and she was very rude and difficult... I know I can be oversensitive sometimes but there was no need to act the way she did and it took all of my patience to stay calm and nice with her. But as I was reminded, I'm called to love everyone - not just those who are easy to love.

After the shopping trip, I ended up finishing really late - so it was 2pm and I'd missed my morning snack and lunch, and knowing that stressed me out even more. I got really panicky in the car on the way home, and it was only Vicky Beeching's song 'Only Your Love' (which I ADORE) that kept me calm enough to keep driving....the lyrics are SO amazing

In this moment
With a heart wide open
I cry
Come and heal my life
Mercy meets me
I'm completely amazed
I'll never be the same

I am reaching out
So in need of you
Come and heal my life
Come and make me new

I felt like God was really speaking to me through the song (especially a line saying 'only You can take my fear and doubt and change me from the inside out'). Lately I've been struggling with the fact that I'm still struggling despite trying and fighting SO hard - much harder than I ever have before. I said to God "I'm trying SO hard, why do I feel like I'm not getting anywhere?!" and I was led, via Exodus 14:14 to the realisation: maybe I'm trying too hard.

Because this isn't about trying - it's about surrendering. I know that I can't do recovery in my own strength - so I need to trust God, stop fighting and just be still before Him and hand over that control. Total surrender is the only real way to healing, and I'm learning that day by day.

I have a new thing about colourful food...I'm still trying to work out if it's a good thing or not, but I'm making sure it acts as one at the moment! The more colourful my meals are, the better and that goes along with eating healthily which is good - and I'm actually really comfortable eating that kind of a meal, so that helps a lot day to day. I'm guarding against it becoming a restrictive thing by challenging my current aversion to beige foods, but generally enjoying pretty and bright meals!

I'm also enjoying catch ups over cocktails, and the opportunity to have my house to myself at the moment....

Time for another shift now, but remembering that I do NOTHING in my own strength. I'm going to stop trying so hard and start surrendering, and that's my goal for every aspect of my life this week...

Flying through May...

This last month has flown by! I'm well into study leave now, and should be revising hard but somehow lack the time and motivation most days... Although I'm again living that strange 'in limbo' time that seems to happen before exams, when you're half enjoying life and half in a cave revising, lots has been going on! I passed my driving theory test on Saturday so can book my practical now (yay!).

May's IMPACT! was another good one - we did some top songs (e.g. 'Adoration', 'Your love never fails', 'Blessed be Your Name') and it felt like God was really moving... There was this line in 'Your Love Never Fails' that gets me every time: "the chasm was far too wide - I never thought I'd reach the other side, but Your love never fails...". So amazing, and so true!




Recent weeks have seen more fun gatherings - like a celebratory end of college BBQ at Matt's, which ended in us getting tipsy and pulling him, fully-clothed, into the hot tub!:







I've had a few nice, chilled Friday nights heading to the London Bridge (local pub) with friends, watching people (basically Dec and Matt) repeatedly getting 'pennied' and enjoying the warmth of the patio heaters...





Food wise, things have been getting a lot easier. I've not had a proper panic attack since Friday 13th May...which is pretty much a record since I've been eating lots again so doing well! :D some days are still a struggle but...onwards and upwards! I found this quote: "Recover to the fullest. Don't try to do it perfectly, but do it to the best of your ability and give it your all", and that's what I'm trying to do. God is sovereign, and at the heart of EVERY situation...that knowledge helps so much :). It'll take time, but I know I can get better and get back a 'normal' eating relationship. (halloumi is a lifesaver - so easy to nibble on and doesn't fill me up too much!)




I've just got back from my Grandparents' and I have that weird 'too full of emotion' feeling I used to get all the time... It's not a sad or a happy feeling, and doesn't come particularly as a result of emotive events, but stems from a mixture of delirious tiredness and overthinking. I used to dream of lying in my back in a field at night and looking at the stars and it's that kind of feeling - a strange need for space....maybe it's time for bed!

I'll try to update sooner next time but for the next couple of weeks...off to the textbooks I go!!