Soul '13

I've recently returned from Soul Survivor week B '13!

It was honestly so amazing to see my young people again! They truly are an incredible group, and spending time with them makes me into a better version of myself. I forgot how positively I feed off their energy: how happy it makes me when the lads rugby tackle me and throw me up in the air or the girls ask to go for a coffee and a pray. It was really special this week to be able to reawaken that ‘youth work’ side of myself that I’ve missed while I’ve been at uni.

In terms of the sessions etc, I found it all very hard.

In the worship, I was able to fully connect and worship during the ‘looking up’ sections – singing about God’s beauty and majesty; but as soon as songs or lyrics about freedom and how we’re now living in fullness etc came on, the guilt started taking over. We did communion on the final morning and I was lost in a horrible mental cycle of ‘bread and wine argh…did I really just think about calories when remembering how Jesus went through the ultimate in pain and separation from God for me?!...I’m an awful Christian, selfish, disgusting…I’m fat…argh calories in bread and wine *cycle begins again*’. Guilt acrobatics are never nice. 

I’m very thankful to my lovely Laura, who is just completely and utterly wonderful. She was at Soul Survivor on first aid team and we managed to get some time together on her breaks/through me sneaking to the first aid post in the big top to have a hug. I texted her in communion like ‘argh what do I do?!’ and she told me to come to her, got stood down and prayed and cried with me. That’s real friendship…

I didn’t have a ‘breakthrough moment’ in the standard Christian festival respond-to-a-call-and-go-up-for-prayer-and-cry-and-shake-and-pass-out-in-the-Holy-Spirit way, and actually I’m pleased about that. That, more than anything, shows me that God knows my heart. He knows that I approach His throne best in the quiet stillness of an empty room; He’s gentle and tender and loving. One afternoon, I took the opportunity of most of the young people being at seminars to sneak off to one of the on-site coffee shops. I had picked up and bought a book, ‘God on mute’ by Pete Grieg (which I’ve been meaning to read for years but is particularly appropriate now) so took my book and my notepad/Bible, and curled up by my phone charger with a diet coke. One chapter talked about how a woman had written a brutally honest letter to God after miscarrying her twin boys, which inspired me to try to be honest myself.

 I wrote my own letter, admitting I was scared and lost and would really quite like God to intervene in this situation. I expressed my frustration, doubts and hopelessness and asked Him again for His presence.

It was ridiculous how much difference just trying to articulate to God what I was feeling made – as opposed to running away. I felt more able to worship afterwards and even found myself starting to automatically pray for people and situations again…it was like my connection to Him had opened up a little and I’m very thankful for that.

‘God on mute’ has really challenged me this week - and I've not even finished it yet! I hope I can continue to learn from it and, as I move into a more convincing acceptance of this season I'm in, continue to engage the silence...

feelings vs. knowledge

"The greatest battle is between what you feel and what you know"

I had a really rough few hours last night. In the last two years or so it's happened a few times - nights when I'm hurting and broken and desperate; when I'm hoping that I don't wake up the next morning.
Yesterday, I lay face down on my bedroom floor again and begged God for His presence. I cried and cried and tried to listen to music but cried too much and felt utterly lost. I begged God for a few hours until I finally managed to fall asleep... What I felt last night wasn't pleasant: Abandoned; unloved; worthless; hopeless.

But the truth is something that, deep down, I do know. When I'm able to logically look at my thoughts and feelings, I can refute most untrue aspects by looking at my own past experiences and reflecting on truths - like Bible verses- that I know from memory.

Personal reminders
one of my favourite-books-in-the-world-ever-ever (Plan B by Pete Wilson) has a section about remembering God's past faithfulness - placing 'life signposts', in the way that Abraham builds an altar in the Bible, so that when you're in a new difficult situation, those reminders are still present. It is so easy to forget, in the midst of struggle, how faithful God has been in the past so it's so important to have these things.

Some of my 'altars':

getting baptised, July '10 (hello cheesy grin)

having the privilege of being a temporary mother to THE most incredible children in South Africa

the fact that I ended up in this city...

the 'accidental internship' that changed and shaped me (these young people's passion makes my heart soar)

2011: the fact that my hands looked like this after EVERY meal and snack that I was forced to eat and, however hard things are sometimes, they never look *this* bad any more

some recent pictures of incredible people who I love, and who love me back. The fact that I've only met many of them this year!


also memories of incredible experiences of God: worship moments; moments of learning to trust; moments of things clicking into place. The fact my mum survived highly intrusive breast cancer; the fact that I am as healthy as I am....so so many more...

Words of truth

I feel abandoned, but I've known Deuteronomy 31:8 off by heart since the Summer I was sixteen...

'Do not be afraid or discouraged for the Lord your God goes before you. He will be with you; He will neither fail you nor forsake you'

I feel like God doesn't care about me any more, yet I know that His thoughts for me outnumber the grains of sand on the earth, and that He knows how many hairs are on my head (Psalm 139)

I feel like God doesn't hear my desperation, but I have spent years clinging to the fact that in our weakness - when we don't even have the words to pray, the Holy Spirit intercedes for us in groans too deep for words (Romans 8:26)

I think that God has given up on me; that I don't have a future anymore, but I even have a tattoo of the reminder that God makes ALL things work together for the good of those who love Him, and are called according to His purpose for them.

I've been singing the bridge of this song all day: in fact, I woke up with it in my head this morning.

''all of my life -in every season - You are still God: I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship"

Whatever I feel, I know that God is good. I know that He knows exactly what He's doing with me right now, and I know above all, that He is worthy of my praise. So praise Him I will.

an anchor

this evening, having begun to reread an incredible book, I decided to catch up on the author's blog that I hadn't read in a while. one of the posts, entitled 'anchorman', spoke to me.
if I could cry at the moment, I probably would have. It resounded so deeply...

"1. Friends are wonderful, whatever their experience.  But there’s something in talking to someone who has experienced the same struggle, that brings special comfort. They get it – and they’re still here. Before everyone else; this is true of Jesus. Whatever you’re going through.  Depression, singleness, addiction, bereavement, joblessness, infertility.  He has walked this path before you. Just before He goes to the Cross, he doesn’t say, ‘Lord – thanks for this opportunity to suffer and glorify you.’ He says ‘is there any other way?’ And when God says ‘no’, even though everything in Him is in agony, He accepts that this is the only way. He trusts that His Father knows what He’s doing, even when the world is ending. You can trust Him and you can trust what He says. He’s got you and when you’re in the furnace, He’s right there with you.

2.It’s okay not to feel it.  It’s okay to cry out and to doubt and to question and to hit things and to be broken.  Think about a toddler that’s having the mother of all melt-downs.  Wailing like the world is ending.  and raining blows on your chest with their tiny fists. What do you do with this child? And what does God do with us? You look at them and you love them. You hold them. Tight.  You absorb the anger and pain of a little body that has no idea what life is about or what they need most. You take the force of their pain. And you pull them close. Wherever you are now: whatever you’ve done. God is holding you in the midst of the pain. You are safe. And He will not let you go.

3.Some things can’t be fast-forwarded. This is hard. Sometimes unbearable. But it will get better.There will come a day when you will want to live again.  For now,  be kind.  Give yourself space and time. There’s no deadline.  There’s nowhere you need to be.Nothing is so important that it can’t wait.  You are loved – but you’re not indispensable.  And you’re safe – even in the mess.  The Lord doesn’t want your service right now.  He can do it without you.  So let Him.

We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain,  where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek.
Hebrews 6:19-20"

- Emma Scrivener at A New Name

 incidentally, my phone background for the last few weeks has mostly been this:

 I don't know where I am with God at the moment. I don't even know where I am with myself. But I'm clinging onto the truth that a boat doesn't always see its anchor. It doesn't feel it a lot of the time. But that doesn't mean it isn't there - or that it isn't just as firm and secure.

I'm thankful for the part of me that wholeheartedly still hopes and believes in the promise of that anchor. Even in the midst of this mess of diet coke and sugar free jelly and filling my basket with low calorie groceries that aren't quite low calorie enough; and putting them all back; in nearly crying because I can't tell if sugar snap peas or green beans are 'more allowed' and in hating myself for buying food and hating myself for not buying food. In feeling hopeless and selfish and messy. In hurting people who care about me - because they care about me. I might not see it or feel it or even be able to fathom it but the anchor is there

 I have the hope of God's promises as my soul's anchor and, thankfully, it is firm and secure regardless of where I am.

topsy-turvy

Things have been a little topsy-turvy around here recently.

My end of term exam ended up going really horrendously: it was almost on a par with GCSE additional maths (which set 1 got casually entered for with no teaching of the material on it, resulting in my E as a reward for the 3 hours' worth of rewording questions in answer boxes). I forgot even the most basic of anatomy; hopelessly muddled the positions of every ion channel in the kidney and left entire pages blank before tearfully guessing the multiple choice questions without even properly reading them and leaving halfway through. Then isolating and realizing I'd have to cancel my whole Summer for the inevitable resit. Deciding I didn't even want to resit because I was a failure at my degree so there was no point. Wondering where on earth my life was going.

It was downhill from there really. My mind grabbed the piece of 'logic' that my exam performance (and therefore life's worth of course - because that's what matters (?!)) is inversely proportional to my weight. Because obviously, my weight determines my exam performance and therefore my self worth...  It's true that my exam performance has steadily deterriorated over the course of the year, as my weight has increased. But, as my angry-stressed-triggered-post exam mind forgot, correlational evidence cannot establish causal relationships - there's just no way to prove a link like that. So many other factors have played a part, and my weight is logically probably one of the last things to influence it - aside from the opposite effect of being healthier and therefore having more concentration now...

I've been struggling a little with my faith lately as well. Not my faith, so much, but a different aspect that's harder to explain. I still wholeheartedly love God and want to follow Him. I still worship Him; do my best to trust Him; KNOW that He works all things for good and see Him in my circumstances. It's the relational aspect that's a little more absent recently - the whole 'presence' thing. I miss it horribly; everything just seems a little empty, but I'm trying to recognise that there are seasons and times when God retreats to allow us to grow and to change. But that's on a good day. On a bad day, I'm lost and vulnerable and scared. I feel abandoned and decide it's because I'm huge and worthless, and lie begging God for His presence, feel nothing and slide back into 'abandoned-and-huge-and-worthless'.

These factors combined have led to a bit of a downward spiral. I've lost weight and I don't even know if I want to gain it back or keep sliding. I'm in a tangle because if I go back to Brighton clinic now, they'll make me maintain at a higher weight than before because of our deal, so I'm having to avoid them for the near future. I don't really know what to do.

In the meantime, I had a lovely holiday in France with Jacob, spent some time with my mum in Suffolk, caught up with Brighton and other Southern folks and went to a psychiatry summer school at King's!

 Ironically, I got my results last week and it turned out I'd actually passed the exam by some miracle (hello there 'I still feel God working in my circumstances'). That's a huge blessing because it means I can still go to Soul Survivor. I'm a little scared because I'm very 'walls-up' with God at the moment, but I'm going as a leader and it'll be so amazing to spend time with my incredible IMPACT! youth again, and see how they've developed. 

My aim for the next few days is to reevaluate everything. I need to decide what I actually want and I need to somehow spin things back around so I can think more clearly. 

Over and out.

 

sunset chasing moments

I had a little moment tonight - a moment of 'this is why I choose recovery'.

...because life is beautiful and fleeting, and I want to be well and whole so I can go and grab hold of the little wisps of beauty and opportunity that come my way...so that when I see that sunset reflection in my window I have the energy to run to my bedroom and grab my guitar, and the stamina to run up onto the South Downs before the sky's colours fade.

I want to have the freedom to not have to be accompanied on my sunset-chasing missions. I want to be trusted enough to make decisions and to keep them spontaneous. I want to be able to go up on the hill and sing worship to my God at the top of my voice and not care if I look a bit crazy, or I'm sitting surrounded by thistles wearing flipflops...or there's a herd of cows worrying nearby...

I may have 'wasted' some revision time tonight - time I can ill-afford to sacrifice. I'm SO behind. But actually, sunset chasing is worth it (she says, boiling the kettle for coffee to continue studying at 11pm...)

Life is beautiful and fleeting. Spontaneous sunset chasing guitar moments make my heart soar. Over and out.

I choose perspective

I just had clinic, and I gained weight back (having had a bit of a wobbly week where I lost a little) and it's hard. It's horrible. I don't like gaining weight. It feels disgusting and it goes against what I've taught myself means 'in control' for so long, and it feels like my life is spiralling...

But I know I just need to seek some positive perspective in this so here goes:

1) I choose to remind myself of yesterday:

It was so encouraging. I did a talk at my hub at church on humility and was more confident than I'd ever been about a talk (although that's not saying much because I'm not the best at standing up in front of people!) - it just felt so natural and is something I'm really passionate about. It went really well and the whole of the hub night was incredible - such a sense of God's presence as we worshipped and prayed and I felt fully comfortable and so close to everyone...

acoustic worship makes me happy :)

While I was on the bus there, I was so blessed as well. I just sat and was listening to my ipod as usual ('Pursuit' by Jesus Culture) and I suddenly felt God in a way I hadn't in so long. I was just filled with a calm security and had shivers down my spine... It meant so much to me.There is literally nothing in the whole world that is more amazing than feeling God close, and it's something I've missed so much lately while I've been a bit 'wall-putty-uppy' (wow, my eloquence is astounding ;))


2) I choose to see myself physically with a 'healthy mind perspective':

When I'm able to be rational, I know that I look so much better how I am now! Despite feeling massive, I know that I am so much prettier when I'm healthy because my skin and hair and face just look so much better. I have curves which are more attractive than bones (also, I know I look better with boobs and my ghetto booty back, just sayin').

the day I started my meal plan properly vs. this morning

 3) I choose to look for the 10,000 reasons to worship today

Recovery = glorifying to God. God = incredible. I want to seek out those reasons to worship. I want to open my eyes, in this moment, to the presence of SO much good, and so much beauty around me.
Good music; beautiful flowers; a strong cup of tea; the people I love; even waking up this morning. Life is short, and life is hard but so, so beautiful. I want to find that beauty at every opportunity...

 
When I look at my 3 points, a little electronic number that tells me my body has a few hundred grams more water or muscle or fat or breakfast or clothing or whatever in it is pretty meaningless.

Today, I choose perspective

Am I really doing this?!

Since I got back after Easter, things have been pretty good. The weather's getting beautiful; I'm forming closer and closer friendships with people here; I've been exercising again - running with my friend Alice, which is so lovely and sociable/not dictated by calories or anything negative: a chance to be healthy and feel good for the day...I'm getting more confident with church things and, best of all, I'm just generally starting to feel freer and less bound by my eating disorder...

 

This weekend was especially lovely - it's been a bank holiday, so I had three FULL days off lectures etc, a rare occasion and therefore cause for much celebration! Saturday was mainly a study day but a nice, chilled opportunity to not have to be anywhere at any particular time (SUCH a rarity for me - can't even remember the last time that happened!) and then yesterday (Sunday), I had an incredible morning with the church babies and then went to London with Jacob to see Rend Collective in the evening, and just explore and have fun during the afternoon...



...I had breakfast at home, got a costa panini for lunch on the way to the train station and had a subway and some fruit for tea....I felt normal. It was so amazing. Food was just a little aspect of the day to consider and fit around our plans - it wasn't at the centre. Food played a part in my day, instead of informing my day. Amazing. Plus I was able to worship in such a free way during Rend Collective...I didn't care what people thought, I just worshipped God openly...the best thing ever. I honestly don't think anything compares: every song really spoke to me about freedom and new life, and how God uses our struggles for good. Wow.


Then today (Bank Holiday Monday), I got up late (for me :p) and had a nice long shower, made a new breakfast creation (smoothie with granola added...so good) and then, after doing a bit of work, visited a friend to chill and watch a film before heading out to my favourite buffet restaurant with medical CU (Foodilic is so nice, organic veg dishes that are so simple but very tasty and healthy). It was a lovely meal but I ate a bit more than usual...enough to make me still aware of my fullness when I got home.
I really wanted to cancel my evening plans (charity open mic night) and purge and excercise. I really, really wanted to give in to my eating disorder, decide it was all too much and 'slips will happen' and start afresh tomorrow....and while allowing mistakes and using those explanations are both important and true, it's not progress if I don't actually try to push myself further each time. So I forced myself to take a moment out; to lie down on the floor and remind myself that giving in is not what I really want, doesn't glorify God or honour the people who love me and wouldn't be the right decision. I don't want to lose any more memories or opportunities to my eating disorder. After a little inward pep talk, I went to the open mic night. It was lovely - spent time with people I don't often get to talk to....and then got talked into performing!


This is huge. I lead worship, yes. I sing in church, because it's not about me - it's for God, so the way I see potential failure/mistakes is totally different.  But tonight I decided to overcome. I sang and played 'faithful' by Brooke Fraser, to perform. And it went really well! I'm so proud of today's decision...

I feel like I'm really doing this recovery thing. Like I'm moving forward and actually getting somewhere...body image still has a lot to be desired but I'm much more at peace than I have been since being weight restored. I'm excited for the future because I can almost picture a life that doesn't revolve around food or my weight or self hatred. It's incredible.

God really is faithful.



p.s a bit of humour ;) (the fact I can start to laugh about this now shouts 'progress' too :))