a new start

Since I got back to uni, things have been rough. Food stuff got harder and harder and harder, until my previously 'allowed' miniscule intake seemed impossible huge and I was skipping whole afternoons to cry into a pot of fat free yoghurt three hours after I should have had lunch...I had a few rock bottom moments; a few days where I honestly didn't know if I'd make it through. I gave up a little bit. Resigned myself to shrinking and failing until I spiralled so far that someone would rescue me from myself...the thing is, it doesn't really work like that.

I did try though, - and beauty did come in lots of different little ways

Then yesterday, I had my first appointment at the eating disorder clinic. I got up while everyone was still sleeping, wrapped up (although that voice was there, berating me every outfit choice because they all made me look too fat for the clinic – why would anyone there want to help me in my chubbiness?!) and slipped out into the frosty January morning. I was surprisingly calm, listening to worship music and walking across campus to the train station. As I tackled the stairs towards my train, the first few flakes of snow began to fall, getting heavier and heavier as I tensely looked out of the window with unfocused eyes, flicking through my songs.

It was amazing. I was so nervous, but my key worker was lovely and made me feel understood, and that I wasn't crazy, that other people had had the same thoughts and same behaviours and really, truly were able to change and move on...finally it felt like someone had the tools to properly, practically help me. They're going to give me a meal plan, help me to gain some weight, offer me different group therapy sessions, keep seeing me individually and teach me how to cope more healthily.

While I’d been in the assessment, the snowfall had got heavier and heavier and I looked out of the window as I got ready to leave to see a road transformed into a stereotypical winter scene. I left, a little in wonder at how everything had changed so deeply. I’m a bit of a romantic at heart: I like finding symbolism, and snow is the perfect new start.

 The rest of the day became a bit of a crusade. I deleted myfitnesspal, messaged my flatmates letting them know for accountability, emailed my mum and told her everything. I went to Co-op with my friend Poppy (who is the biggest recovery inspiration ever...incidentally she had to buy herself a new tub of nutella while we were there because she'd fancied eating it all with a spoon earlier on!). I bought chicken, hobnobs and a bounty. It felt amazing.

 It was so scary. I had to do a lot of breathing, a lot of praying, play a lot of guitar. But this was my new start, and I was so determined. I had a few teary happiness moments and a few panicky moments but I fought through it. I don't know how many calories I ate yesterday, and that truly terrifies me. It probably even isn't enough to gain weight on, but it felt like so much...

Funnily enough, Hobnobs dipped in tea are pretty damn tasty.

Ephesians 3:20 'Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us...'

Christmas 2012

I haven't posted much lately - it always seems as if my mind's been quite jumbled and my standpoint a little ambivalent to create a strong theme for a blog entry, but this morning it felt right to at least document that.

The time around Christmas has been full of blessing, as ever. My God is good. From sweet mugs of liquorice tea to a lovely night at Winter ball; from Phil Wickham's Christmas album to beautiful frosty mornings; from pretty knitted socks to the lovely people I am lucky enough to spend time with, I have so much to be thankful for...

Christmas day itself was rather special as well...after a disasterous Christmas Eve when I cried every five minutes at the most ridiculous things and worried my parents horribly,I wasn't holding out much hope to be any use with the worship for Christmas day... Proved wrong again by my God who does immeasurably more, I rocked out that tambourine and had an absolute ball singing praise to my amazing God...it was a special morning. I really do love my church family!

Christmas dinner was, of course, a big challenge. But I completed my goal of eating as much of it as I could (at least 2/3 of this HUGE portion) and munching on some Christmas chocolates as well, with no exercise or being sick. It was stressful and I was pretty panicky but I'm proud of myself. It makes me realise how well I could do if I put my determination fully into something more positive...

 I just got back from a lovely two days staying up in Teesside with my boyfriend and his family. It was sooo nice but I need to get unpacking now and also get stuck into the essays I've been avoiding!

a letter to myself...

      Sunday 18^th November 2012

Dear self,

This is hard. I so desperately want to be better - I don't want to hate myself for eating anything – however tiny or healthy, or be constantly number-crunching in my mind to the extent that I'm not fully present in my daily life...I don’t want how I see myself be determined by the verdict of the scales each morning; I don’t want to sit with my head down a toilet having a panic attack because I ‘ate too much’. I don't want to force myself to miss social events to be alone in my room and do jumping jacks so long I get carpet burns on the soles of my feet, or ‘have to’ keep running even though everything hurts and I have blurred vision and a spinning head.

. My BMI is still by some criteria technically in the healthy weight range. But I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. And my eating disorder is impacting a lot on my health at this weight – so I hate to imagine what it would be like at an ‘unhealthy’ one. In the last week, I’ve thrown up blood; been horribly dizzy and nauseous; had palpitations and panic attacks; fainted (having eaten a perfectly healthy amount that day); had a constant headache and have just felt exhausted in every way. I don’t want to be like this anymore.

But I keep lying to myself. Saying ‘you can really recover when you’re sick enough to recover’; ’when you’re thin enough to recover’; ‘when you get to x-weight’; ‘when you beat your lowest weight by enough’; ‘when  you can see another rib; and another’… it never ends. I’m realising that I’ll never be ‘thin enough’…and even if it was it’d just have to be a longer and longer road to recovery when I actually start…because here’s the thing:

With an eating disorder there are two options: recovery or death. You can be stuck in the in between misery of just going through the motions of life with it for a while, but ultimately you either recover or die... I’m pretty sure which option I want to pick!!

I love life. I love God and my family and my friends. I love church and worshipping my amazing God, and I love Autumn (and Spring, Summer and Winter!).  I want that John 10:10 life back. I need to stop being so ambivalent and ultimately choose recovery. It’s so hard, but I need to start making better decisions. I hope this letter can motivate me to make those decisions…

With love,
Me

creating a beautiful day..

Although I've been struggling quite a bit with food and exercise-related things the past couple of weeks, I had an absolutely LOVELY bonfire weekend at home last weekend: I saw my church family, got to lead worship again, bought a cute new onesie, had a breakfast date with my mum, saw my parents and had a mini-induction to the job I'll be doing at christmas when I'm home (cleaning the golf club). It was beautiful:

However, I ate so much. It probably logically was a really normal amount, but because of the way I've been eating at uni lately (having smaller meals more frequently each day and tending to have the 'safe' option and do it all myself), it was really scary to have 'big' meals with a starter and main course with side dishes etc - and to not be in control of preparing them. I was so caught up in the emotion of seeing everyone that I managed fine at the time, but had a bit of a panic on the train home and have been struggling more since...

But this morning I decided I was going to create a beautiful day.

I don't like Thursdays. We have a symposium most Thursday mornings (essentially 4 lectures back to back without a break), and today we even had an extra lecture scheduled for after the symposium: 9am-1pm in a lecture theatre hearing about cancer isn't the most fun, but this morning I made the conscious decision to make today a good one. How?

1) I prayed. My alarm was set for early for extra time but I pressed snooze too much (silly dozy Anna is a bit selfish with her sleep apparently!) and only managed to get up about 15 minutes early. But I had a flick through my Bible and took the time to commit the day to God in prayer; to tell Him that I couldn't do it in my own strength but that I wanted to glorify Him today - and would He be able to help me? 

2) I made a wholesome, healthy breakfast the night before. No decision anxiety required; no portion panic to begin the day - I just took my glass of muesli and yummy additions out of the fridge and sat down to eat it.

3) I reminded myself of what I was doing. As I sat in lecture, I had a verse that had been stalking me on social networking this morning (think Romans 12:12 was the youversion verse of the day!) written on my hand during the lectures as a constant reminder...

...and the results were brilliant! I was able to listen and stay pretty much focused the whole way through the (slightly painful) morning of lectures - which is unheard of for me in a symposium! Usually I've given up trying to understand it an hour in!

also, little unexpected blessings made me happy - Alice returned to me my orange pen I thought I'd lost. Not a big deal to most people, but I love my colour schemes (to a worryingly OCD extent, but that's a different story) so it got rid of some anxiety that's been floating around my notes for the past week or so.

I'm still messing up, of course. Today I've done lots of things I probably shouldn't - calorie counting, body checking and loads more things. But I'm pretty happy with how the day's going: I feel like I've created it beautifully within my constraints: God is good and I am so blessed.

Recovery: an analogy

Sand Dunes:

Recovering from an eating disorder is like running up a sand dune: the moment you stop, you begin to slip backwards. And you know that you should want to be at the top because the tide's coming in  - the top of the sand dune, despite the fact that you can't see over the crest, represents safety and future - it's where your family and your friends are and they're calling down to you to keep running upwards...

...but you're so tired. The sand keeps shifting and it seems like the easiest thing to sit down and just let yourself slide. And when you look down at the beach, it looks so appealing. Despite the danger, it's so tempting and it seems beautiful. Maybe if you just slide down onto the beach, you can get a better run up? Maybe if you're in enough danger the coastguards will come and rescue you?...because you don't think you can get up the sand dune on your own....

(So when I thought of this, I didn't even consider 'Footprints in the Sand'.

No coincidence, in my opinion...because God is good.

All the time.)

Autumn blessings and cutting through ribs

Wow, things have changed a lot since my last post!

I've properly decided on my church here - I'm going to St Peter's, which is the HTB plant...initially I felt really guilty about doing the standard 'going to an amazing megachurch' thing, but I felt so drawn to it and actually I've realized it's not like that at all. It's not too big, very loving and the vision it has for serving the community is so good - and, although the worship and teaching is outstanding, I don't feel like I'm just 'taking in' as opposed to serving as well. On a Sunday morning I've started working with the 0-1 year olds - the service starts with kids' songs and then the parents drop their children at their various groups so they can enjoy the service without worrying:it's quite busy given that most of the babies are 6 months or younger! They're ridiculously cute though, and I'm getting reused to the attractiveness of baby sick and changing nappies! 

Then on Sunday evenings we have the student service - it's great and I love the worship! It's so nice to be regularly worshipping without the pressure of leading and I find it's really easy for me to connect with God there. I've also made some amazing friends at church and I'm already really close to one girl in particular. Oh, we also have team nights on a Tuesday evening which are pretty much small groups for students...still getting used to being in the small groups as opposed to leading them (and I'm still working on being brave enough to add to the discussion much!) but it's great for fellowship and we have worship and prayer times as well.

I'm actually feeling really close to God at the moment  - I got a book from a second hand stall this weekend and I'm starting the day using it as a prayer tool and to focus me which is amazing so far..

In terms of uni, things are still going generally well. It's quite up and down - some days I sit in lectures thinking 'oh my goodness, why am I here? I don't have a clue what this lecturer's even talking about!' but then other days I feel really engaged and surprisingly capable...I think that's probably what it's like for everyone so I'm not too worried! I had an interesting dissection session on Friday - I was much more comfortable with the whole thing than the first session, and managed to improve my perspective with the fact that I was cutting into somebody (the first time I was so scared of doing it wrong and damaging the cadaver that I didn't want to try and just watched for a lot of it). It actually made me feel so close to God - we opened up the thoracic cage and looked at all the intercostal muscles and tissues/blood vessels and it was quite hard to imagine how anyone who was seeing all of that could believe that it had all just been created through accidental evolution! I have to admit though that remembering the noise cutting through a rib made still makes me shudder: don't think I'll be heading for orthopaedic surgery anytime soon...

 I'm quite overwhelmed by work at the moment in terms of keeping on top of lecture notes and essays etc but I'm managing to maintain an A in everything we've had marked so far which is a good sign. Last night was horrible though - I got really panicky and had to go for a walk to calm down - but the fact that I was able to know when to stop trying to work and to take time out is a positive sign in itself...

 

Socially, I'm managing to get the balance with flatmates/coursemates/church friends as far as I can tell - so many lovely people here and I'm enjoying getting to know them all. I'm going to Medical CU on Monday evenings which is like a Bible study where we can connect with other Christian medics (and get tips from those who are further on in the course!), and girls' football on Friday nights, so I've met lots of new people through those as well.

 

 It was also so amazing to have Maddy and Shereen staying this weekend - I took them on a tour of Brighton and to a restaurant I discovered and love (an organic buffet place with lots of delicious vegetables and different salads/meat dishes) and we had nice chilled-out nights in catching up etc. They came to church with me on Sunday morning and absolutely loved it so it made me even more certain of my choice!

In terms of food, things have been a bit mixed lately, but I'm trying to be sensible with it all. I managed to dodge getting my weight and height measured when I registered with the GP here as well, although it was very tempting to 'have to find out' (I just estimated on the form and ticked a box saying it was totally recent and accurate, which was a bit of a white lie but the right decision I think :p). I'm also very blessed in that both of the other girls in my flat eat very substantial meals and happily snack on things like ice cream and pizza - I know I'd find it a lot harder if I felt like I was eating more than other people (although I am trying not to compare things like that) so I'm so thankful for their relaxed attitude to food. Joanna, who I've got really close to at church, also now knows that I have some issues with food and things (not really details, but we're comfortable enough with each other to be honest about struggles which is good!) which is a big step in terms of some accountability and support etc. It's so nice having a bit of back up at church when I want to turn down food I'm not comfortable with because St Peter's is super keen on morning service pastries and evening service pizza and chocolate...and it's a win/win situation for the two of us because Jo is more than happy to eat what I don't want! So it's been quite hard over the past few weeks but it's amazing to see how blessed I am by the people around me even in the way they model a healthier attitude to eating. I just need to stay motivated and try not to restrict because I find it so tempting when I'm so in control of my meals!
 

I love my flat!:

 

humbled again...

This weekend has been mixed,  but good! On Friday night, we went out as a flat and it was SO much fun – we really got to know each other better and had lots of fun.

 Today was fairly disastrous in some ways – I went to a church where I didn’t really feel I fitted in (CCK – it was a great church, but just not right for me) this morning, then got hopelessly lost afterwards and ended up wandering in the freezing cold rain looking for a bus…so arrived home cold, wet and not feeling well. I had a (pretty restrictive) lunch, then purged a while later and spent way too long indulging my negative thought patterns.

However, I really enjoyed the evening service at St Peters* and it was lovely to feel more at home there…the worship was amazing and the teaching was also so valuable. However, I knew we were having pizza as students after the service so anxiety surrounding that meant I wasn’t fully present in a lot of the service – which made me so frustrated with myself and caused a bit of a vicious cycle.

When I got home though was when my day was really made – my flatmates are all atheists and pretty cynical about my faith (not in a horrible way – they’re just not particularly open to it), but we were chatting this evening and somehow got onto the topic of worship…and I played them some Soul Survivor and Hillsong to show them how my worship music actually is. They were SO surprised and thought it was amazing – their faces when I put on ‘we are the free’ were priceless. Honestly, I feel like it made a big impression on them.  They even said they’d like to come to church with me sometime!

God is so good. He’s powerful; and works through our bad days and messy moments to find ways for us to reach other people with His love. I’m so humbled by each different way He uses me and works in my life. 

* The whole ‘student group’ thing at churches here makes me a bit uncomfortable to be honest… It might just be because there is such a huge student population in Brighton, and because I’m not used to being in a city like that, but the way things work here seems to be that students go to the evening services and families go to the morning  - when I’ve been to churches in the morning I’ve felt very much shepherded towards the evening….

I don’t know if I’m just being all idealistic, but my view of what church is, is people of all ages, in all walks of life coming together in worship to our one God. I get that different groups of people will be suited to different times but segregating off the students from the families etc feels a bit wrong for me…  I’m still working out what I think – but church here is awesome!