topsy-turvy

Things have been a little topsy-turvy around here recently.

My end of term exam ended up going really horrendously: it was almost on a par with GCSE additional maths (which set 1 got casually entered for with no teaching of the material on it, resulting in my E as a reward for the 3 hours' worth of rewording questions in answer boxes). I forgot even the most basic of anatomy; hopelessly muddled the positions of every ion channel in the kidney and left entire pages blank before tearfully guessing the multiple choice questions without even properly reading them and leaving halfway through. Then isolating and realizing I'd have to cancel my whole Summer for the inevitable resit. Deciding I didn't even want to resit because I was a failure at my degree so there was no point. Wondering where on earth my life was going.

It was downhill from there really. My mind grabbed the piece of 'logic' that my exam performance (and therefore life's worth of course - because that's what matters (?!)) is inversely proportional to my weight. Because obviously, my weight determines my exam performance and therefore my self worth...  It's true that my exam performance has steadily deterriorated over the course of the year, as my weight has increased. But, as my angry-stressed-triggered-post exam mind forgot, correlational evidence cannot establish causal relationships - there's just no way to prove a link like that. So many other factors have played a part, and my weight is logically probably one of the last things to influence it - aside from the opposite effect of being healthier and therefore having more concentration now...

I've been struggling a little with my faith lately as well. Not my faith, so much, but a different aspect that's harder to explain. I still wholeheartedly love God and want to follow Him. I still worship Him; do my best to trust Him; KNOW that He works all things for good and see Him in my circumstances. It's the relational aspect that's a little more absent recently - the whole 'presence' thing. I miss it horribly; everything just seems a little empty, but I'm trying to recognise that there are seasons and times when God retreats to allow us to grow and to change. But that's on a good day. On a bad day, I'm lost and vulnerable and scared. I feel abandoned and decide it's because I'm huge and worthless, and lie begging God for His presence, feel nothing and slide back into 'abandoned-and-huge-and-worthless'.

These factors combined have led to a bit of a downward spiral. I've lost weight and I don't even know if I want to gain it back or keep sliding. I'm in a tangle because if I go back to Brighton clinic now, they'll make me maintain at a higher weight than before because of our deal, so I'm having to avoid them for the near future. I don't really know what to do.

In the meantime, I had a lovely holiday in France with Jacob, spent some time with my mum in Suffolk, caught up with Brighton and other Southern folks and went to a psychiatry summer school at King's!

 Ironically, I got my results last week and it turned out I'd actually passed the exam by some miracle (hello there 'I still feel God working in my circumstances'). That's a huge blessing because it means I can still go to Soul Survivor. I'm a little scared because I'm very 'walls-up' with God at the moment, but I'm going as a leader and it'll be so amazing to spend time with my incredible IMPACT! youth again, and see how they've developed. 

My aim for the next few days is to reevaluate everything. I need to decide what I actually want and I need to somehow spin things back around so I can think more clearly. 

Over and out.

 

sunset chasing moments

I had a little moment tonight - a moment of 'this is why I choose recovery'.

...because life is beautiful and fleeting, and I want to be well and whole so I can go and grab hold of the little wisps of beauty and opportunity that come my way...so that when I see that sunset reflection in my window I have the energy to run to my bedroom and grab my guitar, and the stamina to run up onto the South Downs before the sky's colours fade.

I want to have the freedom to not have to be accompanied on my sunset-chasing missions. I want to be trusted enough to make decisions and to keep them spontaneous. I want to be able to go up on the hill and sing worship to my God at the top of my voice and not care if I look a bit crazy, or I'm sitting surrounded by thistles wearing flipflops...or there's a herd of cows worrying nearby...

I may have 'wasted' some revision time tonight - time I can ill-afford to sacrifice. I'm SO behind. But actually, sunset chasing is worth it (she says, boiling the kettle for coffee to continue studying at 11pm...)

Life is beautiful and fleeting. Spontaneous sunset chasing guitar moments make my heart soar. Over and out.

I choose perspective

I just had clinic, and I gained weight back (having had a bit of a wobbly week where I lost a little) and it's hard. It's horrible. I don't like gaining weight. It feels disgusting and it goes against what I've taught myself means 'in control' for so long, and it feels like my life is spiralling...

But I know I just need to seek some positive perspective in this so here goes:

1) I choose to remind myself of yesterday:

It was so encouraging. I did a talk at my hub at church on humility and was more confident than I'd ever been about a talk (although that's not saying much because I'm not the best at standing up in front of people!) - it just felt so natural and is something I'm really passionate about. It went really well and the whole of the hub night was incredible - such a sense of God's presence as we worshipped and prayed and I felt fully comfortable and so close to everyone...

acoustic worship makes me happy :)

While I was on the bus there, I was so blessed as well. I just sat and was listening to my ipod as usual ('Pursuit' by Jesus Culture) and I suddenly felt God in a way I hadn't in so long. I was just filled with a calm security and had shivers down my spine... It meant so much to me.There is literally nothing in the whole world that is more amazing than feeling God close, and it's something I've missed so much lately while I've been a bit 'wall-putty-uppy' (wow, my eloquence is astounding ;))


2) I choose to see myself physically with a 'healthy mind perspective':

When I'm able to be rational, I know that I look so much better how I am now! Despite feeling massive, I know that I am so much prettier when I'm healthy because my skin and hair and face just look so much better. I have curves which are more attractive than bones (also, I know I look better with boobs and my ghetto booty back, just sayin').

the day I started my meal plan properly vs. this morning

 3) I choose to look for the 10,000 reasons to worship today

Recovery = glorifying to God. God = incredible. I want to seek out those reasons to worship. I want to open my eyes, in this moment, to the presence of SO much good, and so much beauty around me.
Good music; beautiful flowers; a strong cup of tea; the people I love; even waking up this morning. Life is short, and life is hard but so, so beautiful. I want to find that beauty at every opportunity...

 
When I look at my 3 points, a little electronic number that tells me my body has a few hundred grams more water or muscle or fat or breakfast or clothing or whatever in it is pretty meaningless.

Today, I choose perspective

Am I really doing this?!

Since I got back after Easter, things have been pretty good. The weather's getting beautiful; I'm forming closer and closer friendships with people here; I've been exercising again - running with my friend Alice, which is so lovely and sociable/not dictated by calories or anything negative: a chance to be healthy and feel good for the day...I'm getting more confident with church things and, best of all, I'm just generally starting to feel freer and less bound by my eating disorder...

 

This weekend was especially lovely - it's been a bank holiday, so I had three FULL days off lectures etc, a rare occasion and therefore cause for much celebration! Saturday was mainly a study day but a nice, chilled opportunity to not have to be anywhere at any particular time (SUCH a rarity for me - can't even remember the last time that happened!) and then yesterday (Sunday), I had an incredible morning with the church babies and then went to London with Jacob to see Rend Collective in the evening, and just explore and have fun during the afternoon...



...I had breakfast at home, got a costa panini for lunch on the way to the train station and had a subway and some fruit for tea....I felt normal. It was so amazing. Food was just a little aspect of the day to consider and fit around our plans - it wasn't at the centre. Food played a part in my day, instead of informing my day. Amazing. Plus I was able to worship in such a free way during Rend Collective...I didn't care what people thought, I just worshipped God openly...the best thing ever. I honestly don't think anything compares: every song really spoke to me about freedom and new life, and how God uses our struggles for good. Wow.


Then today (Bank Holiday Monday), I got up late (for me :p) and had a nice long shower, made a new breakfast creation (smoothie with granola added...so good) and then, after doing a bit of work, visited a friend to chill and watch a film before heading out to my favourite buffet restaurant with medical CU (Foodilic is so nice, organic veg dishes that are so simple but very tasty and healthy). It was a lovely meal but I ate a bit more than usual...enough to make me still aware of my fullness when I got home.
I really wanted to cancel my evening plans (charity open mic night) and purge and excercise. I really, really wanted to give in to my eating disorder, decide it was all too much and 'slips will happen' and start afresh tomorrow....and while allowing mistakes and using those explanations are both important and true, it's not progress if I don't actually try to push myself further each time. So I forced myself to take a moment out; to lie down on the floor and remind myself that giving in is not what I really want, doesn't glorify God or honour the people who love me and wouldn't be the right decision. I don't want to lose any more memories or opportunities to my eating disorder. After a little inward pep talk, I went to the open mic night. It was lovely - spent time with people I don't often get to talk to....and then got talked into performing!


This is huge. I lead worship, yes. I sing in church, because it's not about me - it's for God, so the way I see potential failure/mistakes is totally different.  But tonight I decided to overcome. I sang and played 'faithful' by Brooke Fraser, to perform. And it went really well! I'm so proud of today's decision...

I feel like I'm really doing this recovery thing. Like I'm moving forward and actually getting somewhere...body image still has a lot to be desired but I'm much more at peace than I have been since being weight restored. I'm excited for the future because I can almost picture a life that doesn't revolve around food or my weight or self hatred. It's incredible.

God really is faithful.



p.s a bit of humour ;) (the fact I can start to laugh about this now shouts 'progress' too :))

nothing tastes as good as HEALTHY feels....

I was at clinic for my first time in over a month this morning...I was dreading it, because I knew that I'd have gained more weight while I was in France/at home...and seeing that number is never easy.
Granted, it wasn't: I looked down at a number I would probably rather have never seen anything near again - over a stone above my first clinic weigh in figure, and had a minor freak out.

first clinic appt, wearing ridiculous numbers of layers to keep warm!

I think my key worker could tell I wasn't a happy bunny because she decided to bargain with me: she said that they'll be happy for me to maintain where I'm at now - a little bit lower than what we initially said was my goal - as long as I don't lose any weight. If I were to drop more than 2kg, then they'd want me to maintain at the original, higher weight afterwards to be safe...which I think is pretty fair. I'll take that.

healthy, trying to love it!

(I may have had an urban outfitters splurge to reward myself - probably not too sensible as a struggling student but I love my new outfit!)

I'm so thankful that I'm officially weight restored! It's rough and scary and I feel disgusting most days. I still have to constantly fight to keep making good decisions and take care of myself, but it's worth it.

I know truly that I'm so much happier now than I was at my lowest weight - however much my mind wants to glamourise that as something to return to. I'm healthy, and I feel alive again. It's really really worth all the horrible gaining and body image stuff for even those moments of feeling good and healthy. Yay

I'm going to have to do some essay now, but I thought it was a good occasion on which to blog.

God Bless! 

Easter...and my Second Best Choice

My best choice in life, hands down, will always be becoming a Christian. On the level beneath that are lots and lots of good choices...taking my gap year that changed and stretched me; saying 'yes' to leading worship the first time, despite my fears, and falling in love with it; deciding to take up my uni place at BSMS over other options; doing the IMPACT! internship that came out of nowhere; choosing St Peter's as my church in Brighton etc...
 Second best though, at least for the moment, has to be choosing recovery. Today has made me aware of that all over again. I'm so, so thankful.

This Easter was my first time back at my home church since Christmas- and it was so lovely to see everyone again...I led worship and it was lovely to be able to face the right way to see everyone and remember how much I love and have missed them!

After the service, so many people came to say hello and tell me how much they'd missed me while I was away - it was really sweet! Even people I'd barely ever spoken to said how glad they were to see me back and looking so well, and that they'd be praying for me and I'd just had no idea that people noticed my absence that much - or indeed how obviously struggling I was at Christmas...
Lots of comments today, (at least) a stone up from when I was last home and feeling and looking much much healthier - literally everyone I spoke to took a pick from 'well', 'healthy', 'so much better' or 'amazing' and announced how I looked...and I was surprisingly okay with it. I find it so triggering often because as soon as someone says 'well', I decide they're meaning 'fat'. One middle-aged man I know moderately well said 'I'm so glad to see you've gained some weight, honestly you look so much better.' and said how worried everyone had been about me....cue breathing through the horror of being told I've gained weight obviously, but also a real desire for health. The trigger is diminishing because I'm beginning to internalise the truth that healthy is good and necessary. so much better than sick and weak.



My week in France was simply brilliant. Seeing Maddy again, spending oodles of time with Shereen and skiing was fabulous, and the food...oh the food. It's painful to admit but it was so yummy. Like, ridiculously yummy. Ice cream in Annecy with the sun on our faces; spag bol at lunch time halfway up a ski slope;  hot chocolate and kitkats for morning snack in the snow...it added a lot of joyful moments - not the food itself necessarily but the situation and the way it brings people together in celebration and fellowship. Being able to enjoy some of those times and be properly present in them for the first time in years was brilliant.

There were difficult, stressy moments - of course. But I felt normal at times, wow...actually normal?! Honestly, I don't think I ever believed it possible.

Today, Easter, is the ultimate symbol of hope, overcoming, new beginnings. How thankful I am for all those things...

second term ends!

I can hardly believe I've now finished the second term of this year at university! it honestly has gone so quickly: I had my end of term exam on Thursday and it's SUCH a relief to have it done... It didn't go amazingly - it was a very difficult exam, but actually everyone seemed to find it horrible so I'm hoping that I've still done okay!

This term has been so unbelievably hard. If I'm honest, it was probably even harder than last term - because actually, when it comes to eating disorders, relapse is on a short-term basis an easier option than recovery. It's been a daily battle to stick to my meal plan; to not have access to scales; to go to group therapy and try to TALK about what happens in my mind with strangers; to (more often than not) manage to be logical with myself when I want to give in and exercise/restrict/purge; to actually ask for help with it all! I've gained nearly a stone back since I made my decision to fully commit to recovery again, and that's so scary but I'm trying to adjust to it... When you're relapsing, you can give into what your head's screaming at you to do - and it offers temporary relief, but recovery is always, always the best thing - and eventually the easiest as well.

The reason that this term has been so much better is the underlying, strong knowledge that I'm doing the right thing - that I'm doing the thing that glorifies God. Knowing that gives me so much strength.

James 1:21 'so get rid of all the filth and evil in your lives, and humbly accept the message God has planted in your hearts, for it is strong enough to save your souls'.

This quiet firmness of foundation is something I've been trying to establish more and more solidly within myself this term...and I'm so proud of what I've achieved. That's something that's strange to say, but it's really true. I never thought I'd have such a good day that I could be eating my breakfast and take funny selfies with my giant bran flake instead of crying about it:

I've been SO blessed, as ever. I can't express how lucky I am to be surrounded by the people I am, and to have the opportunities that I do. God is so so good.

I'm still absolutely in love with St Peter's, and helping in the creche on Sunday mornings is literally always the highlight of my week! They're just so precious, and I almost always get a little baby sleeping on me...a little taste of heaven, I maintain...










Spring is coming now, with more little moments of joy that I do my best to always appreciate...daffodils and fresh coffee...

 Since the exam finished (Thursday), I've been enjoying having a little breathing space. I had a fun night out at coalition (secret discotheque with its cheesy 90s music never fails to deliver - even to someone who dislikes clubbing as much as I do!) then took an amazing trip to London last night and went on the London Eye - such an incredible view with the lights of the city all around...


I'm so looking forward to church tomorrow, and seeing my babies again - plus going back 'up North' on Monday just in time for flying to France on Wednesday with Shereen to visit my Maddy and do some skiing for a week...so exciting.

I still fight a daily battle, but my hope's growing all the time that it won't always be this way. I need to trust and appreciate the incredible moments in my life... *standard postive blog post ending*
Over and out.