Retreating...

This week has been really hard - I'm not going to lie. From Sunday, it suddenly started being a huge battle to eat again...I've not had much of an appetite and have been freaking out over what would usually be 'safe' foods. Sunday night was very teary and Monday wasn't much better...so I ran away to a field on a hill about 40 minutes away on Monday afternoon... I prayed, played my guitar, journalled and worked through a few things - it was so nice to have some space away from my 'normal life' where nobody knew me, and I felt a lot better for it.

Thankfully I've not had many hours of care work this week, which has made it fairly relaxing and given me space and time to think and employ my learned self care tactics. 

 

Tuesday was a little better, and I enjoyed a spontaneous beach trip with Maddy...my 'challenge of the day' was an ice cream which wasn't too difficult in the excitement of the moment, and we sunbathed and tried out our new bikinis....




 Wednesday evening was a bit of a disaster...I panicked over tea so decided on a super safe choice (far too restrictive to be counted as a proper meal at all really...) then didn't even manage to keep that down. Cue more tears and stress about how I was possibly going to carry on like this, but my Thursday morning prayer and chill time (when I've started fasting from technology for 12 hours as well) helped a lot.

I think I've been finding things so hard partially because I'm a bit unsure about the future again...I'm praying into it and I know God will provide and will never leave or forsake me...

I'm trying to focus on the blessing of the current beautiful weather, the people I get to spend time with and happy music. Life is so full of colour...I refuse to live a half life dictated by an eating disorder...I want life in all its fullness. That's what God wants for me as well...so I know this amazing, exciting life I should be leading in the future won't be compromised, and that's a huge comfort.

One of my favourite songs at the moment is Ben Cantelon's 'Everything in Colour':
The world comes alive
You have opened my eyes
Everything I see is in color
No more black and white
Because I've seen the light
Everything I see is in color


^ the chorus makes me so happy... <3

those moments....

Compared to recent months, I've had a lot of 'those moments' over the last couple of weeks. Moments of pure joy; moments when I feel excitement for the future and a real desire to open a new chapter; moments when I know God is using me and blessing me...and in those moments, food and weight just don't matter any more... It's such a brilliant realization when I've just had one - like a second of surprise...'wow, I feel free'. There have been hard moments too - panics, fears, tears and anxiety, but 'those moments' give me motivation to keep pushing towards full recovery, and remind me why I'm doing this when I have those days when I just want to throw in the proverbial towel and go back to the ED.

 Because, in 'those moments', eating disordered thoughts and behaviours take a back seat to the beauty of life, and the excitement for the future, and the enormity of who my God is...

Last Saturday night (12th May), I was unexpectedly off work, and Maddy, Matty and I (in the midst of varnishing her floor for her new room) decided to go on a spontaneous bike ride. We grabbed a rucksack, batteries for the ipod speakers and three bottles of pear cider and set out on our goal of chasing the sunset to the canal....

it was one of those moments.I was so, so happy. With two of my favourite people, knowing that we were going to London to learn and grow and just enjoying the Spring evening, music and beauty around us...

Sadly, the sunset beat us there, but luckily we didn't mind. It was such a fun night.

and while I was worried about the calories in the cider, I felt freer than I have for a long time, and like there was actually space in my mind to take in the joy and the freedom that I am entitled to. It was amazing.

Then on Monday, we as team IMPACT! (me, John, Maddy and Matty) headed down to London at 3am for the HTB Leadership Conference. Maddy and I initially weren't going to go because it was so expensive, until a last minute ridiculously cheap deal came along...and I somehow managed to wangle it off work. Definitely a God thing.

I was so challenged by the conference - it was a bit of a teaching overload at times, but so so inspiring and the worship and fellowship was incredible. I learned lots and lots, but the main thing I felt that God was saying to me was that I need to aim less for perfection, but more for authenticity. This is relevant in every area of my life, but particularly in my youth work - I feel like I need to more vulnerable in terms of the youth which is scary, but important. In my supervision the other day I spoke to John about it (and we had our first conversation relating to my eating disorder, which has kind of been the 'elephant in the room' in previous supervisions!) and I'm going to try to slowly find more of a balance...I know I need to be more honest about my struggles in my leadership - in order to be an authentic example, it's SO important to break the culture of the 'stained glass masquerade'...it's so scary, but I know God's got it covered and I'm looking to Him for guidance with how to go about this...

^ we've been blessed by amazing times with our youth and children the past couple of weeks...the things I've been learning have made me re-realize how huge the investment we need to be making in the younger ones - they're going to keep going, and we need to equip the next generations...a huge responsibility, but one we don't have to handle on our own. Oh, God is ridiculously good.

I'm going to go and finish my lunch now because, whether I'm hungry or not, and however little I want to eat it today, it's the way to create more of 'those moments' for myself in the next days and weeks... I'll leave with a quote that meant a lot to me at the conference

"Humility isn't about denying our strengths - it's recognizing and being honest about our weaknesses..."

What is recovery to me?

I started this as a kind of spider diagram (but without the lines because they make things look way too messy!) page for inspiration in my journal: What does recovery mean to me?

I've been thinking about this a lot lately...some people seem to think that being recoverED instead of recoverING happens when suddenly everything in your life is perfect and happy. That's a lovely idea, and the prospect of things being perfect is obviously extremely appealing but, in reality, life is never going to be perfect. I know that things won't be perfect until heaven - and I'm actually very much okay with that because I know that that place of total intimacy with God will be so worth all of the pain of this earth. But where does that leave me in terms of defining recovery and being recovered?

I read somewhere that being recovered means that you have the ability to deal with the disappointments in life in a healthy way, and I find that idea a lot more realistic than the 'everything being perfect' view of recovered. But that's not enough...

So here are some of the things that recovery means to me:

• Living life in all its fullness (John 10:10)
• Letting go of being obsessive and over-controlling
• Being healthy enough to do all the things I'm meant to do.

• Working through my problems instead of punishing myself for them
• Offering myself to God as a living sacrifice (Romans 12:1)

• Knowing that negative thoughts and feelings don't have to lead to negative actions
• Going out for meals with the people I love and enjoying the company, flavours and textures without anxiety over calories/fat/weight

 Trusting God with EVERY aspect of my life

To me, my goal of being recovered isn't about a number on the scales that shows I'm healthy; the ability to be comfortable eating healthy amounts or even reaching the point where restricting/making myself sick isn't something I'd ever desire. Yes, those are all part of it but overall I'm aiming for a wholeness that comes from trusting entirely in God, and a new recognition of who He is - and who I can be as a result of that...

I'm not there yet - to be honest, I'm only just setting out on getting there when I think about it in perspective, but every day, making the right decisions inches me closer to being recovered. And best of all, I know that on those days where I fight and fight and struggle to move forward at all, God will carry me.

It's all about surrrender...


"as long as we're trying to save ourselves, He can't save us" <3

surrendering for real

I've been working a lot again in terms of Bluebird, and feel like I definitely know what I'm doing in that job now...sometimes I love it - like yesterday I had a lovely tea run of single calls, where I basically made people their tea and their afternoon meds...it was so rewarding and they were all lovely to chat to and very appreciative of my efforts over presenting their food nicely etc.

However sometimes, like yesterday morning, things are not so nice with work. I had to take a lady shopping, and she was just a bit of a nightmare. I'd really hurt my back on Saturday night so wasn't thrilled to have to lift her wheelchair in and out of the back of my poor little car, and she was very rude and difficult... I know I can be oversensitive sometimes but there was no need to act the way she did and it took all of my patience to stay calm and nice with her. But as I was reminded, I'm called to love everyone - not just those who are easy to love.

After the shopping trip, I ended up finishing really late - so it was 2pm and I'd missed my morning snack and lunch, and knowing that stressed me out even more. I got really panicky in the car on the way home, and it was only Vicky Beeching's song 'Only Your Love' (which I ADORE) that kept me calm enough to keep driving....the lyrics are SO amazing

In this moment
With a heart wide open
I cry
Come and heal my life
Mercy meets me
I'm completely amazed
I'll never be the same

I am reaching out
So in need of you
Come and heal my life
Come and make me new

I felt like God was really speaking to me through the song (especially a line saying 'only You can take my fear and doubt and change me from the inside out'). Lately I've been struggling with the fact that I'm still struggling despite trying and fighting SO hard - much harder than I ever have before. I said to God "I'm trying SO hard, why do I feel like I'm not getting anywhere?!" and I was led, via Exodus 14:14 to the realisation: maybe I'm trying too hard.

Because this isn't about trying - it's about surrendering. I know that I can't do recovery in my own strength - so I need to trust God, stop fighting and just be still before Him and hand over that control. Total surrender is the only real way to healing, and I'm learning that day by day.

I have a new thing about colourful food...I'm still trying to work out if it's a good thing or not, but I'm making sure it acts as one at the moment! The more colourful my meals are, the better and that goes along with eating healthily which is good - and I'm actually really comfortable eating that kind of a meal, so that helps a lot day to day. I'm guarding against it becoming a restrictive thing by challenging my current aversion to beige foods, but generally enjoying pretty and bright meals!

I'm also enjoying catch ups over cocktails, and the opportunity to have my house to myself at the moment....

Time for another shift now, but remembering that I do NOTHING in my own strength. I'm going to stop trying so hard and start surrendering, and that's my goal for every aspect of my life this week...

my path is planned

The last week or so has been very busy again...I've been doing lots of travelling around and about, and catching up with my Mads!


In terms of IMPACT!, I really am loving work at the moment. Having Maddy back has taken some pressure off so I feel a lot freer in what I'm doing, and am loving spending time with the youth and showing them how much I love them! They make me smile!

I led the second 'small groups' session on Sunday night, and it was the first talk I'd had to give to experienced/more mature questions...I forgot a lot of what I wanted to say in the nervousness of the situation but it went well and I was very encouraged by my amazing youth and equally amazing collegues...I'm SO BLESSED to be surrounded by so much love. Wow. 

I also had a doctor's appointment yesterday - I had finally built up the courage to ask for more help with this, knowing that I'm reaching my limits in terms of experienced support and resources to keep moving forward...I've come SO far since this relapse, but in order to pursue complete recovery, I know that I need to be brave and ask for more specific help...

 I went in to see the GP, managed to tell her everything. She calmly asked lots of questions and wrote down my answers, then essentially told me it was up to me to challenge my thought processes. She gave me a leaflet on mental health and said to come back in a month or so to track how I was doing... 

I smiled and thanked her, but left upset, frustrated and triggered: I knew from the things she said that she just didn't understand. She'd read in textbooks and studied treatment pathways and looked at case studies, but none of that means that she knows what it's like to be in this position...and I'm not saying that every doctor has to have had an eating disorder to treat patients successfully, but I just knew that she had no idea what it feels like and couldn't understand what I was saying...and in a way I drew comfort from that. As frustrating as it was, it made me realise that if I were the one sitting on the other side of the desk, I'd know some of the right words to comfort; I'd see through a patient's bravado and know how much their struggles were impeding on their life. 

Having always thought I'd specialise in paediatrics in terms of physical disease or injury if I make it as a doctor, I'm now leaning towards psychiatry, whether paediatrics or adults. I don't have to make any decisions anytime soon, but specializing in eating disorders would be so amazing, although a huge challenge in so many ways.

 Luckily, I know that God has planned my path: He's planned my deliverance from this and He's planned how He'll use everything I learn for my good and His glory <3 

I'm trying to allow myself to celebrate my progress more this week: From my increasing ability to see food in terms of nourishment as opposed to calories...:  

...to random moments that make me laugh hard, and create memories of everyday fun!

I have so much to be thankful for. I'm surrounded by love and my God is so good... While there continue to be struggles, I'm learning from them all the time. I know that God has already planned my total deliverance from everything and that's such a huge comfort...

like an avalanche

I've been absent - it's been a couple of weeks in which I've been far too busy living my life to spend time writing about it. And that's okay - I refuse to feel guilty for that. I caught up with lots of people I love, had an amazing Easter weekend of spiritual food and welcomed my beautiful Maddy home.






The final two Love Monday pictures:



It's been an amazing fortnight but it's been messy. I've had some slip ups - particularly in the past couple of days, probably because I've been rocking the boat a little and experimenting with pushing my boundaries -with meals and eating things like bits of Easter Egg.



But I've also had moments of pure joy...

Like driving in the sun with my Maddy, newly home from Canada, listening to our Summer music and going to ikea. I bought a bright green lamp, because who doesn't love bright green?!, and ate ikea meatballs. The meatballs were so good, but nowhere near as good as having Mads back and eating and feeling comfortable with her.


Like the encouragement I got after exposing myself without a music or mic stand, and sining harmonies and as the only female singer at our recent unplugged IMPACT! on Easter night.

Like spending time with Matty without the normal rush, talking about our fears and plans for the future...and him rescuing me from a dead bird that Morag brought in!


..and all the love I got from the gorgeous dog and cat while housesitting...they genuinely helped me so much in difficult moments




I'm so thankful that I belong to a God of mercy and love. Every time I mess up, I'm more determined to tell other people about this love and grace that covers me...and that God meets us where we're at. He loves us too much to leave us there, but He does meet us in the situation we're currently in. Whether that's worshipping at a Christian festival, or lying on the bathroom floor with a burning throat and blood pounding in your ears...

When I make a mistake like that, I now have a failsafe routine for the next hour or so...I drink a bottle of water and try to eat a banana to replenish my body. Then I pray and listen to 'like an avalanche' to replenish me in a far deeper way....

And I find myself here on my knees again
Caught up in grace like an avalanche
Nothing compares to this love love love
Burning in my heart

immeasurably more

This week has brought some very beautiful weather, which inspired a lovely Saturday lunch time worshipping in the sun, the breaking out of my summer dresses, fire pit and guitar times and a very Spring-like love monday picture...



As of Wednesday, I'm house/dog/catsitting for the next 2-and-a-bit weeks...and I'm very much enjoying the independence and being a dog owner! Marley is a lot of hard work - he seeks attention like a child and literally follows me from room to room (cries outside the bathroom door when I go to the toilet), but he's amazing company and such a comforting presence at the end of my bed at night.

We're having a few jealousy issues when I have to focus on things that aren't him, but getting along great :D.

Living on my own has brought its own challenges - food shopping and cooking for myself, as well as finding time to cook/eat when I'm busy and having no accountability. It's not easy but I'm proud of how I'm doing so far...

In terms of not using ED behaviours, I've carried on doing well! I'm eating very healthily (the idea of nourishing my body with the right foods is very appealing, and I actually love salads etc) but doing my best not to restrict; haven't weighed myself since 9th March and haven't been sick since 17th March... I'm still dealing with lots of thoughts and some serious anxiety (especially the last few days when I've been battling panic attacks a bit again), but I realised the gravity of my achievement with behaviours when Amy was genuinely so proud of me when we met up on Wednesday. I'm proud of myself.

I've got a mantra when I'm tempted to use bad habits: 'this doesn't glorify God, and isn't a part of my life anymore'. In that situation, I remind myself of Romans 12:1..
Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. .
So much motivation to keep going with those up my sleeve...my God is good.

I've journalled every day this week...and it's really not out of obligation which I feel is very important. Things aren't nearly as effective when I'm doing them 'because I should' or 'to try at recovery because I feel guilty if I don't'...I want to be free of this, and working through my thoughts in the form of journalling is really helping.
I'm keeping pushing forward and doing my best to surrender and place God at the centre in this.
because after all, God is him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us (Ephesians 3:20)