"there is no change without vulnerability"

This week's Love Monday picture for Mads was us with the fish. It was a hilarious one to make - Matty's fish face wasn't the best, and he kept making funny noises when 'losing' it. We have lots of outtake pictures, but this was the one we chose.

My beautiful new guitar (so far unnamed) arrived on Wednesday... I'm loving it! such a lovely-sounding guitar, and I'm going to really work hard to improve at guitar over the next weeks and months...



Wednesday was a really good day because I also GOT A 2ND JOB! I'm officially (well, depending on CRB so basically all good) employed as a home carer for elderly and disabled people! I have training a week on Monday and Tuesday then will be good to start when my CRB comes through - very excited...


Worship Central Manchester on Wednesday night was also amazing. Brilliant worship, which the small group of youth we took LOVED and good teaching too.


However, the things Tim Hughes said about eating disorders and chains hit me hard. Denial and distractions have kept me apart from realising this, but over the last couple of months I've pretty much relapsed. Back to calorie counting, restricting, weighing in every day etc etc. I can't let this take control again so I took the step and sent a text late Wednesday night, reaching out.

I got a reply during Manna on Thursday morning: "thanks for being brave!" along with an offer to meet up and talk that night. So I built up courage over the day and curled up on her sofa, sipping water, and opened up.
My main advice, having almost pushed away practical things - not sure if I was ready to try for recovery again yet - was to be real with myself. Allow myself to be vulnerable and bring this before God. Praying about it with her made me cry, but it helped because it was the start of openness and reaching out to Him who supplies all my needs, and got me over the initial shame and fear.

Then yesterday morning I did my standard recent routine - up, go to the toilet and head for the scales. Get undressed, push on them to get them loading and....nothing. No flicker of '0.0kg'...just no sign of life from them. I took the battery out, blew on it, put it back in and still nothing. My scales are officially not working, and I'm trying to be okay with it. Sometimes we have to laugh in these situations we don't like, but can clearly see God working for our good in...

And,today, while it's not a good thing to be back in the place where I consider it a serious achievement to manage porridge for breakfast after not being able to weigh myself 2 mornings in a row, I know that it's also an opportunity. For growth; for dependance on God; for increasing humility; for relearning self care and the ability to recognise how far I've come over the past few months. (I almost typed "how far I'd come", as in past tense, before I started struggling again, but relapse does not negate recovery!)

It's IMPACT! tomorrow, I've slept well and am loving Matt Redman's latest album (10,000 reasons). "Never Once" is giving me lots of strength today:

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone