The end of this week included a pancake party as part of our 'Girls' Night' programme, which was a brilliant time of fellowship for us with our beautiful girlies. We had lots of fun experimenting with different pancakes!:
I'm really pushing myself the last couple of days. I need to get out of this hole I'm falling back into.
On Wednesday night I had my now-usual meeting with Amy. She was as amazing as ever, but somehow I left feeling a bit low. It just felt like we were going around in circles, discussing my behaviours and my inability to let go of what I was doing.
The session made me realize how much of this is about my perception, though. The weight I am now cannot be much more than it was over summer, which is my 'golden weight' period in my mind - I was healthy and mostly confident. But now I just feel huge still.
I said at one point 'what about if I got to my goal weight from last time (45kg) then got back up to a healthy weight?'. Which I admit is so illogical -it's obviously the eating disorder talking. and she said 'well okay, what about 40 then? nice even number...or maybe 35, then 30? that's a good balanced digit to aim for...'. It made me realize: I genuinely could be sitting in that place on her sofa at 30kg (if I was even alive at that weight) and still feel as huge as I do now, because this is about my distorted perception, not my body itself.
After Manna on Thursday, where we talked about openness with God and I realized that I feel at the minute that I don't have the right to come before God, while I'm battling against him by restricting and damaging my body...and I need to use this amazing opportunity this year to grow closer to Him. I realized, essentially, I need to make the decision to recover again. Not because I don't want to hurt others (although that's part of it), not because I'm so ill I need to, but because I want to for me - for my future; my relationship with God and to glorify Him with my whole life.
I'm pushing myself for 3 proper meals (but small portions) a day, less calorie counting, only weighing myself twice a week and no weighing food. It's a huge challenge, but I'm ready. I don't want to waste any more time - it's time to sort this out now!
Today I went for a run with Georgie and we chatted lots - I enjoyed it, and didn't feel the need to push myself too hard because we stopped when she needed to. We'll make it a weekly date and hopefully it'll help me in my recovery as well
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