Hurting and healing

"God in my laughing; there in my weeping. God in my hurting; God in my healing....be my everything" <3

Hurting
Last week was a very, very hard week. On top of the usual stress of approaching the exam period (first exam is biology on Monday...argh!), I got a letter from BSMS (Brighton-Sussex Medical School) saying I hadn't been shortlisted for interview but have been put on the reserve list so will be called to interview if they schedule another date in April sometime, however that is very unlikely considering that reserve list candidates haven't been considered for at least a couple of years due to the high quality of candidates. So I was really upset about my probable drawn out rejection, especially because I really loved BSMS on the open day.



On Friday, I also learned that my mum has breast cancer. It's treatable but still a big blow to the family and I know it's going to be a very hard couple of months while she gets treatment...
So I've been struggling this weekend a little, and whether or not it's related, have started evaluating my life - deciding lots of things that are totally opposite to what I thought I wanted. I'm very seriously considering giving up on medicine, doing midwifery instead. I'm so confused at the moment but having spoken to some good friends have decided to leave decisions like that for after this horrifically stressful few weeks, when my head's clearer...

Healing
I'm so, so thankful for God and my friends at the moment. Everyone has been so lovely to me and God has been right there this whole time. Yesterday was very hard (I talked things through with a particular friend, who made me feel so much better about the whole medicine, mum, midwifery etc situation, but thinking about it all was so emotionally exhausting), and on the way home I was just looking out of the bus window and listening to my ipod, when I looked across and saw the sunset.
It was beautiful. The sky was the most amazing array of oranges and reds with the mist rising off the fields and white plane trails set against the bright blue sky. It just summed up God's amazing power and made me feel so much better. The picture was taken on a phone out of the window of a moving coach so really doesn't do it justice, but....wow.



As I've been told over the last few days a lot, everything is going to be okay. God's got it all - He knows every thought that enters my head and promises He has plans to prosper me and not to harm me. He makes all things work together for my good. And He lit up the sky with that sunset to show His power and love. It's all going to be fine!

Psalm 18:30 - "as for God, His way is perfect. All the Lord's promises prove true. He is a shield for all who look to Him for protection"

Hello, 2011!

2010 is over, and it's now 8 days into 2011. I've been thinking a lot about 2010 in these few days about the ways in which I've changed or accomplished things so decided to make a list of 10 things that happened (in no particular order) - because 2010 was definitely a beautiful year!


In 2010, I:

1) Did 2 sets of exams and came out with 4As and an A*
2) Sat my UKCAT and got the best score I could have hoped for!
3) Got baptised <3
4) Had some amazing encounters with God
5) Found and got to know a lovely mentor
6) Started volunteering at WASC (Warrington Association for Special Children) and realised what a true blessing children with additional needs are.
7) Pushed through my fears and insecurities to become very involved in leading worship - led in the evenings and have sung at IMPACT! (and due to lead tomorrow morning!)
8) Lost enough weight to be happy with my body for the first time (not that I've ever been overweight, I just actually kind of like my figure now)
9) Laughed a LOT, cried a lot too, but the laughter is the most dominant!
10) Applied for medicine and got an interview for Leicester :)



Life is so, so beautiful and 2010 has definitely helped me to see a lot of its beauty. God has shown Himself to me a lot as well, and my faith has increased so much <3

'To do' lists

According to my schedule, I should currently be: writing up my church notes; revising all my subjects; wrapping presents; working on my extended project dissertation; tidying my room and probably several hundred other things I've been neglecting lately...



I broke up from college on Friday, which turned out to be a really hard day: I got my first university rejection. East Anglia told me I wasn't good enough to get to their interview stage, basically.



I was understandably upset - I think the concept of not being good enough was what hurt me most, but after my parents took the news well I began to feel better about it, and now I've accepted that I probably didn't want to do PBL (problem based learning) anyway (and I'm not just saying that!), and God's way is always better than mine - being rejected doesn't mean that I'm a failure, or any of the things it's sometimes tempting to think - it means God has other plans <3

Manchester Christmas markets with Active Church, followed by Wagamama's noodle bar and a film at Maddy's on Monday and the WASC Christmas Party yesterday have made this holiday a beautiful one so far :)



But why am I blogging when I made a strict schedule of revision and breaks? Sometimes, I need to learn that I can't plan out everything and stop being such a control freak. I need to let it be, and 'go with the flow'. I need to start trusting in God more.

John 10:10 says "I came that they may have life, and life in all its fullness". This quote sums that up for me. This is my challenge!
"I want a life that sizzles and pops and makes me laugh out loud. I want to eat cold tangerines and sing out loud in the car with the windows open and wear pink shoes and stay up all night laughing and paint my walls the exact color of the sky right now. I want to sleep hard on clean white sheets and throw parties and eat ripe tomatoes and read books so good they make me jump up and down, and I want my everyday to make God belly laugh, glad that he gave life to someone who loves the gift." - Shauna Neiquist. <3

2011 is going to be a hard year in lots of ways, but a beautiful one too - I'm sure of that :)

INTERVIEW! :D

Today is one of the happiest days of my life! - this afternoon, I checked my emails on my phone in chemistry (don't judge me - it was just a revision lesson and I've been so anxious!) and I had one from Leicester University saying 'Interview Invitation 2010'! My heart started pounding and I tried to open it but my phone froze and I'd told my friend Mary so we were both staring at it in wonder! So I asked the teacher if I could check my emails in the library and he said if I was really quick (after I explained the situation) so I ran down to the library and there it was!
I stood reading the email, and was shaking and wanting to cry with happiness! Wow, God is *so* good :) thank you Lord!

I've decided that, if 'Lay it down' was my panicking waiting for an interview song, then 'Your love never fails' is my getting an interview song. I listened to it on the way home from the bus stop today, worshipping and grinning :D.

'The chasm was far too wide - I never thought I'd reach the other side, but Your love never fails'; 'You make all things work together for my good' <3 wow!



I'm a very happy girl at the moment! It's one of those moments that makes me think of my 'getting an interview' song - "there may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning" :)

Romans 8:28 <3

Ebb and flow...

Wow, I can hardly believe it's already almost mid-December! The last couple of months have flown by at quite a scary rate!
Yesterday, the government passed the proposal to get rid of the cap on tuition fees, meaning that my gap year will cause my fees to double (or more!) and, to be honest, I feel betrayed by the decision after Nick Clegg promised to keep the fees 'low', but what can you do?! Still no university interviews, and at this point I doubt I'll get any before Christmas but I can deal with that. I know it doesn't mean it's all over so I'm working to stay positive... To be honest, it takes a lot of emotional strength when it feels like literally everyone else has offers, and medicine applicants almost all have interviews but it just takes patience, and I know that His grace is sufficient for my weaknesses and impatience.


Today was my secret santa lunch with my group of friends at college, so we all made packed lunches full of our randomly selected friend's favourite foods, added some cute gifts and decorated them. It was so lovely - lots of laughter and really got us all in the Christmas mood!


This was my beautifully decorated lunchbox from my (very creative!) friend, Jenna:



Tomorrow is the YP2 conference, then my lovely friend Charis is sleeping over before IMPACT! on Sunday - so I've got a very busy weekend ahead, but in a good way :)

I really do love life at the moment, however imperfect things might seem at the time <3

Laying it down

'Lay it Down', by Jaci Velasquez

Verse:
I've been looking till my eyes are tired of looking
Listening till my ears are numb from listening
Praying till my knees are sore from kneeling on the bedroom floor
I know that you know that my heart is aching
I'm running out of tears and my will is breaking
I don't think that I can carry the burden of it anymore
All of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans,
Are slowly slipping through my folded hands

Chorus:
So I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna learn to trust You now
What else can I do
Everything I am depends on You
And if the sun don't come back up
I know Your love would be enough
I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go,
I'm gonna lay it down.

Verse:
I've been walking through this world like I'm barely living
Buried in the doubt of this hole I've been digging
But You're pulling me out
I'm finally breathin' in the open air
Oh, This room may be dark but I'm finally seeing
There's a new ray of hope, and now I'm believing
That the past is past, and the future's beginning to look brighter now
Oh, cause all of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are safe and secure when I place them in Your hands

Chorus:
So I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna learn to trust You now
Oh what more can I do,
Everything I am depends on You
And if the sun don't come back up
You know Your love will be enough
I've gotta let it be, I've gotta let it go,
I've gotta lay it down
I've gotta lay it down
I'm gonna lay it down.

This song has been a great source of strength for me over the last couple of days - I've still not heard anything from any of my universities, and everyone I know who's also applying for medicine has at least one interview. It just makes me feel inadequate and a little bit unwanted - I got a really high UKCAT, straight As and was told my personal statement was really good, so what's wrong with me? All though the application process, I've been reminding myself that failure to get in anywhere doesn't mean that I wouldn't be a good doctor - just that God has a different plan for my life.



When I pray 'Your will be done', I mean it, even if it means I have to face rejection in the coming months - it's worth it to follow His path for my life and live it to the full, in the way that I can only with God's dreams and not just mine :) Yeah, it's hard. It hurts sometimes, and there are days like this when close friends get interviews at unis you applied to and you have to push down that sick feeling in your tummy and celebrate with them, because that's the way it's right to act. And when they say 'it'll be you soon' and keep asking if you're okay, you have to say 'yes', even when it's not totally true, because it's not fair to put that burden you have on them... Some evenings, like this one, I have to come home and cry a little with above song on, because you can't do so in front of anyone else. I just had to pretend to my parents that only a few people had got interviews because I didn't want them to see how close I am to failing them, but there's always an antidote to these things: one of those showers so hot they raise welts on your skin, and wash the tears off your face. After that, I'm not lying when I say I'm okay - I feel fresh and ready to pull together again.



All this uncertainty, all this worry and fear of failure, is so worth it. I know that underneath - God knows exactly what He's doing so I can place it all in His hands.

Beautiful life

It's time for an update! I've had a lovely half term holiday in Turkey and am now settling back into college...


(Hannah and I on a gulet cruise in Turkey - it was amazing!)

On the university front, I'm still playing the waiting game. The only thing I've heard from my unis are a couple of emails asking me if I want to change to 2011 entry (I've deferred until 2012 so I can have my gap year volunteering) because of the increasing fees. I've had to seriously think about it, because it could mean an extra £30,000 of debt to pay off, but honestly I feel that my gap year is more important to me at the moment so I'm risking the money!



College is good socially, because I've got properly settled back into my friendship group and now know lots of people in my lessons. All my subjects are noticably more challenging this year, particularly biology - I'm struggling a bit with the stuff we've recently done on photosynthesis and respiration... Hopefully it'll be okay once I've properly looked over it and got my head around it because it's worrying me a little how hard I'm finding it to understand!


Having been the worship leader at two evening services at church, singing more in the mornings and singing with the mic volume crazily high in front of everyone at music practice, I'm definitely growing in confidence with my singing and worship leading. I've had such an amazing positive response, though - so many people have told me I have a beautiful voice and I'm actually beginning to trust that I can really sing and it's not just everyone being nice! The hardest thing for me at the moment is probably the leading side now - telling people what to do etc, because it doesn't come particularly naturally to me so it's something I have to work on. Impact! has been really good recently, too, especially the one before last: cardboard praise, in which we had to write on cardboard the things that God had done in our lives and hold them up - it was SO amazing seeing all the things and it gives me shivers just thinking about it. Seeing those pieces of cardboard was so emotive and lifted my heart - worshipping after that was fab, seriously! :D



As of 6.11.10 (church bonfire which was so lovely!), I'm also going out with an amazing boy from church - Conor. He's so so lovely and sweet, a good Christian and also pretty hot! ;) It's early days but I can really imagine this relationship going somewhere and lasting a long time - I really trust him and feel like we know each other so well already :) I'm happy!





I've had a good month or so finding my balance with alcohol - it sounds silly but I really think I'm learning about my limits (and becoming less of a lightweight!). I got really drunk at the social, but sobered up at the perfect time to look after everyone else, and at a party this Friday I had some apple sourz with lemonade and dr pepper, and alternated them because I was going home and couldn't get drunk :). I think I've got the balance for the moment and this makes me happy :D




And just to show I've not grown out of my silly ways - today Maddy and I managed to miss the bus home from college today...while sitting at the bus stop! We suddenly realised everyone from our bus had gone but definitely didn't see it - blonde moments much?!! haha!

Life is still good - so good! Challenges might be coming academically, spiritually (I know I've been praying and reading my Bible less recently, and need to build it back up again!) and emotionally with all this uni stuff, but God is providing and I know I'm safe in His hands.
In the words of Shell Perris: "it's a beautiful life - there's so much to give, yes, I'm gonna live this beautiful life" :).
xxxxxxx