Thankful

The things I had planned did indeed fill me up again :)

My visit to Malmesbury was nice: there's something very complete about going to the pub and having a couple of drinks with the people you went to pre-school with, even if I did get told I was "so Northern my middle name should be 'hotpot'". I also discovered that cider makes me think of New Year and I physically can't drink it without feeling ill....so that might be a lifelong cider taste aversion I created!




Hannah and I went to a spa with our mums which was lovely, and I bought some jeans that actually fit! Well done New Look!


I also attempted to give blood the day after we got back from Malmesbury, which went quite impressively wrong! I arrived and everything seemed fine until it came to actually having the needle put in - I'm not at all needle phobic so it wasn't to do with that, but apparently I have very small veins and they struggled to find one. Once they managed to get it in (unpleasant experience with more than one person attempting), all seemed okay except I started to feel really ill. They came over and lay me down and, after weighing me, said it was because I was underweight to give blood and to come back in a few years when I'd put on weight and my veins had grown! And they couldn't even use the 350ml of blood they managed to get out of my poor little vein because it wasn't a full bag....bad times!
At least I had an impressive dressing, which Maddy promptly decided to graffiti:


On the Tuesday after we got back, Mum had her operation. It went well and she was able to come home the same day, which none of us expected. They took some lymph nodes to test to see if the cancer has spread and results came back yesterday - thankfully, it hasn't spread :). However, it's more aggressive than they initially thought so she'll have to have lots of chemo etc.
But the main thing is that it hasn't spread - this is why I'm thankful today.


Another reason I'm thankful this week is that BSMS seem to have changed their mind about me!! On Wednesday I went to check my emails and found an email from BSMS inviting me to interview on Saturday 26th February! I was so shocked, and don't think it's sunk in yet still - I wasn't even happy, just sat at the computer in disbelief.
I still don't know whether I even want to do medicine any more, so it's all confusing still. However, I'm trusting in my God :). I know He'll make everything work okay, so I'm just going to work my hardest and do my best to muddle through in my overly human way. A further reason to be thankful - it's okay that I'm human, flawed, weak. In 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, it says "for when I am weak, You are strong" - God's strong enough for both of us and I just have to do my best. In a Kari Jobe song I love, the lyrics are "I know that You will never forsake me in my weakness" and I think that's pretty amazing!

It's now officially half term - later on, Maddy's coming over so we can sort out packing the car for ABERSOCHHH! I actually cannot wait for this holiday - it's going to be amazing. I'm going to drink a little bit, but ultimately be the responsible one because I need to look after the others. I'm so looking forward to it all though, my first proper holiday with friends and without parents :D

I'm off to pack now :) xxxx

....and breathe!

EXAMS ARE OVER!!!

Such relief! It feels like I've been revising (or feeling guilty because I'm doing something else!) for weeks, which isn't too far off really - I properly started at Christmas and finished by getting up the wrong side of 5am today to do some last minute cramming for psychology. I'm totally burned out, but the rekindling started tonight with a nap and watching 'One Born Ever Minute'. Tomorrow, an ikea breakfast with my lovely Rachel and impact practice in the evening will add some proper logs, and a weekend with the beautiful Hannah (going to a Malmesbury pub for her boyfriend's birthday drinks on Friday night and having a spa day on Saturday) is sure to get it properly roaring again :).


^not that I have issues with mixing up my subjects! I laughed so hard when I discovered this! :D


^this is what happens when Maddy and I revise too hard...


Biology went pretty well on the 24th January - could have been better but could have been much worse. Chemistry was simply awful, but I knew it would be! It was so, so bad though...I genuinely think I've got a U - will find out on 10th March but am hoping for ridiculously low grade boundaries! Psychology this afternoon was a lot better than I expected - in the end I didn't manage to revise literally about a quarter of what was on the exam (or at least it felt that way) - but thankfully the things I hadn't done didn't come up...

^ my study that day represented my brain - overfilled with horrible chemistry!

My Leicester interview was yesterday and, to be honest, I'm not too sure how it went. The written task was much easier than I expected so I'm not too worried about that, but I know I didn't do as well as I could have at the actual interview - I was so scared! They were really lovely, but I keep thinking back to answers I gave and kicking myself because I know I could have said much better things....still, it's out of my hands now and, whatever the outcome, I don't think I'm going to end up studying medicine to be honest. But I tried, and I'm listening now. I find out in late March/early April whether I'll get offered a place or rejected but whichever way it goes, it's all going to be fine!

^ mine and Mary's feet at Leicester...she was such a blessing to have at my interview, bless her - singing Shrek to me when I was panicking :D.

Mum's operation is on Tuesday (8th) so I'm nervous about that, but I'm trusting that God knows exactly what He's doing.

Hurting and healing

"God in my laughing; there in my weeping. God in my hurting; God in my healing....be my everything" <3

Hurting
Last week was a very, very hard week. On top of the usual stress of approaching the exam period (first exam is biology on Monday...argh!), I got a letter from BSMS (Brighton-Sussex Medical School) saying I hadn't been shortlisted for interview but have been put on the reserve list so will be called to interview if they schedule another date in April sometime, however that is very unlikely considering that reserve list candidates haven't been considered for at least a couple of years due to the high quality of candidates. So I was really upset about my probable drawn out rejection, especially because I really loved BSMS on the open day.



On Friday, I also learned that my mum has breast cancer. It's treatable but still a big blow to the family and I know it's going to be a very hard couple of months while she gets treatment...
So I've been struggling this weekend a little, and whether or not it's related, have started evaluating my life - deciding lots of things that are totally opposite to what I thought I wanted. I'm very seriously considering giving up on medicine, doing midwifery instead. I'm so confused at the moment but having spoken to some good friends have decided to leave decisions like that for after this horrifically stressful few weeks, when my head's clearer...

Healing
I'm so, so thankful for God and my friends at the moment. Everyone has been so lovely to me and God has been right there this whole time. Yesterday was very hard (I talked things through with a particular friend, who made me feel so much better about the whole medicine, mum, midwifery etc situation, but thinking about it all was so emotionally exhausting), and on the way home I was just looking out of the bus window and listening to my ipod, when I looked across and saw the sunset.
It was beautiful. The sky was the most amazing array of oranges and reds with the mist rising off the fields and white plane trails set against the bright blue sky. It just summed up God's amazing power and made me feel so much better. The picture was taken on a phone out of the window of a moving coach so really doesn't do it justice, but....wow.



As I've been told over the last few days a lot, everything is going to be okay. God's got it all - He knows every thought that enters my head and promises He has plans to prosper me and not to harm me. He makes all things work together for my good. And He lit up the sky with that sunset to show His power and love. It's all going to be fine!

Psalm 18:30 - "as for God, His way is perfect. All the Lord's promises prove true. He is a shield for all who look to Him for protection"

Hello, 2011!

2010 is over, and it's now 8 days into 2011. I've been thinking a lot about 2010 in these few days about the ways in which I've changed or accomplished things so decided to make a list of 10 things that happened (in no particular order) - because 2010 was definitely a beautiful year!


In 2010, I:

1) Did 2 sets of exams and came out with 4As and an A*
2) Sat my UKCAT and got the best score I could have hoped for!
3) Got baptised <3
4) Had some amazing encounters with God
5) Found and got to know a lovely mentor
6) Started volunteering at WASC (Warrington Association for Special Children) and realised what a true blessing children with additional needs are.
7) Pushed through my fears and insecurities to become very involved in leading worship - led in the evenings and have sung at IMPACT! (and due to lead tomorrow morning!)
8) Lost enough weight to be happy with my body for the first time (not that I've ever been overweight, I just actually kind of like my figure now)
9) Laughed a LOT, cried a lot too, but the laughter is the most dominant!
10) Applied for medicine and got an interview for Leicester :)



Life is so, so beautiful and 2010 has definitely helped me to see a lot of its beauty. God has shown Himself to me a lot as well, and my faith has increased so much <3

'To do' lists

According to my schedule, I should currently be: writing up my church notes; revising all my subjects; wrapping presents; working on my extended project dissertation; tidying my room and probably several hundred other things I've been neglecting lately...



I broke up from college on Friday, which turned out to be a really hard day: I got my first university rejection. East Anglia told me I wasn't good enough to get to their interview stage, basically.



I was understandably upset - I think the concept of not being good enough was what hurt me most, but after my parents took the news well I began to feel better about it, and now I've accepted that I probably didn't want to do PBL (problem based learning) anyway (and I'm not just saying that!), and God's way is always better than mine - being rejected doesn't mean that I'm a failure, or any of the things it's sometimes tempting to think - it means God has other plans <3

Manchester Christmas markets with Active Church, followed by Wagamama's noodle bar and a film at Maddy's on Monday and the WASC Christmas Party yesterday have made this holiday a beautiful one so far :)



But why am I blogging when I made a strict schedule of revision and breaks? Sometimes, I need to learn that I can't plan out everything and stop being such a control freak. I need to let it be, and 'go with the flow'. I need to start trusting in God more.

John 10:10 says "I came that they may have life, and life in all its fullness". This quote sums that up for me. This is my challenge!
"I want a life that sizzles and pops and makes me laugh out loud. I want to eat cold tangerines and sing out loud in the car with the windows open and wear pink shoes and stay up all night laughing and paint my walls the exact color of the sky right now. I want to sleep hard on clean white sheets and throw parties and eat ripe tomatoes and read books so good they make me jump up and down, and I want my everyday to make God belly laugh, glad that he gave life to someone who loves the gift." - Shauna Neiquist. <3

2011 is going to be a hard year in lots of ways, but a beautiful one too - I'm sure of that :)

INTERVIEW! :D

Today is one of the happiest days of my life! - this afternoon, I checked my emails on my phone in chemistry (don't judge me - it was just a revision lesson and I've been so anxious!) and I had one from Leicester University saying 'Interview Invitation 2010'! My heart started pounding and I tried to open it but my phone froze and I'd told my friend Mary so we were both staring at it in wonder! So I asked the teacher if I could check my emails in the library and he said if I was really quick (after I explained the situation) so I ran down to the library and there it was!
I stood reading the email, and was shaking and wanting to cry with happiness! Wow, God is *so* good :) thank you Lord!

I've decided that, if 'Lay it down' was my panicking waiting for an interview song, then 'Your love never fails' is my getting an interview song. I listened to it on the way home from the bus stop today, worshipping and grinning :D.

'The chasm was far too wide - I never thought I'd reach the other side, but Your love never fails'; 'You make all things work together for my good' <3 wow!



I'm a very happy girl at the moment! It's one of those moments that makes me think of my 'getting an interview' song - "there may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning" :)

Romans 8:28 <3

Ebb and flow...

Wow, I can hardly believe it's already almost mid-December! The last couple of months have flown by at quite a scary rate!
Yesterday, the government passed the proposal to get rid of the cap on tuition fees, meaning that my gap year will cause my fees to double (or more!) and, to be honest, I feel betrayed by the decision after Nick Clegg promised to keep the fees 'low', but what can you do?! Still no university interviews, and at this point I doubt I'll get any before Christmas but I can deal with that. I know it doesn't mean it's all over so I'm working to stay positive... To be honest, it takes a lot of emotional strength when it feels like literally everyone else has offers, and medicine applicants almost all have interviews but it just takes patience, and I know that His grace is sufficient for my weaknesses and impatience.


Today was my secret santa lunch with my group of friends at college, so we all made packed lunches full of our randomly selected friend's favourite foods, added some cute gifts and decorated them. It was so lovely - lots of laughter and really got us all in the Christmas mood!


This was my beautifully decorated lunchbox from my (very creative!) friend, Jenna:



Tomorrow is the YP2 conference, then my lovely friend Charis is sleeping over before IMPACT! on Sunday - so I've got a very busy weekend ahead, but in a good way :)

I really do love life at the moment, however imperfect things might seem at the time <3