South Africa, part 3

I officially got my Aviva certificates yesterday… Baphumelele for September-October 2011, and Home of Hope for October-December. Wow, it kind of made the fact that I’m about to leave South Africa real! I’ve seen everyone get their certificates as they prepare to leave the house, and it always seemed so far off that I’d be getting my own so it takes some getting used to that it’s my turn now.

Yesterday was also my last day at work (it would have been today because it’s a Friday, but it’s a public holiday) so my two main coworkers and I drove to the foster home of 4 of our little ones (we’ve not seen them for a week or so as the school closed for Summer/Christmas so we needed to say goodbye properly). One was at the doctor, which I’m really sad about, but the other 3 were there so I at least got to give them a last snuggle and tell them I love them. It was really hard! I actually didn’t expect to cry because the atmosphere was a bit strange, and the toddlers were shy in their own home when they’re not used to us being there, but as I held Themba and kissed her cheek I felt a massive lump in my throat and set off crying. After we’d had last cuddles, we left and headed back to the house where we work to prepare for an even worse goodbye….



The kids were all going to Spurs as an end of term treat, so we hardly had any time with them after we got back, before it was time for them to leave. Saying goodbye to Gunda and Clunks hurt really badly. I knew it would, but I don’t think I realized quite how much of my heart I’ve given to these boys until I was faced with the reality of probably never seeing them again. Spending every weekday for the last 9 weeks cuddling, encouraging and teaching (as well as putting in time out and having to wrestle with them at times) these gorgeous children has to leave a big impression on your heart… I really do love them, and I know I’ll always remember the impact that Ntlantla especially has had on me. He’s so difficult sometimes, especially when I had to teach him during school and he didn’t want to cooperate, but his determination and big personality are amazing, and I would genuinely adopt him in a flash if I could…








I’ve learned so much about myself from this experience, not only through my work in Bap and at Home of Hope, but also through living independently for the first time and working out my interactions with people when I come to a new place knowing nobody. I’m so proud of my ability to be vulnerable with new people, and I’ve found that so important in my relationships here. Taking risks in relationships is amplified in this setting because of the relatively short time we know each other for, yet we get so close so quickly because of the living arrangements and the deep nature of what we’re all doing here. Everyone in this house has been developing through their experiences and that draws us together in a special way.








I’m leaving South Africa with not only a new appreciation for life in general – having seen so many new things and (cliché I know) broadened my horizons – but also a new appreciation for my life at home and myself. Spending so much time away from my loved ones has really given me space to take a step back from the last year and realize how to move forward in my relationships with my parents in particular. I’m so proud to have stayed true to myself during this time and I feel that my impact on the house has been positive. I feel more comfortable in my own skin than when I left, yet at the same time my increasing issues surrounding my weight gain here are showing me that there’s a lot more healing and growing to be done…

South Africa, part 2

I’m officially over halfway through my time in South Africa now - which seems ridiculously fast! I'm properly settled into the volunteer house...it really feels like home and my routines are all in place which makes things like knowing which shower to use at which times, and when the water will be hot much easier!



On 19th October, I officially switched from Bap to the Home of Hope project, which provides a structured programme for pre school age children suffering from foetal alcohol syndrome (FAS). At first I felt really guilty about leaving the Bap babies (and other volunteers!), but now I know that this is right... There are 6 kids at Home of Hope, ranging in age from just 2 to 5, and they're all gorgeous! Having such a small number of kids that I'm with 8am-2pm, Monday to Friday, means that I really know them all very well and can therefore help them more and build up proper relationships with them.




In the last couple of weeks I've also been given a lot more responsibility and am now teaching the eldest 2 boys on my own 3 days a week, which is a challenge but I feel like I'm needed which is great! I also change all the nappies in the house (4/6 of them are in nappies), and the children and I have fallen in love with each other a lot!





My crazy out of work activities have decreased a bit recently - mainly because of my schedule change and it's easier just to chill after work then do stuff at the weekends, but I'm still enjoying my social life a LOT :). So many fun people and so much to do! The dynamics of the house changed quite drastically last weekend, when lots of people left and lots of people arrived (and I got a bottom bunk, finally :D), but I'm feeling really comfortable with the people around me again now which is good...




Will try to update more often and add pics later when it's working!

South Africa, part 1

So, the time I’ve been thinking about for the past 8 months or so (since I booked this trip) is happening…. I’m in South Africa!

I’ve been here for almost 3 weeks now, and it’s strange that it honestly feels like it’s been months! But at the same time, the weeks are flying by! I’m settled into the volunteer house – have got to know the people I’m living with really well, and they’re all so lovely! I love doing big sightseeing things like going up Table Mountain (planning to do so next week sometime) and also just having chilled nights with everyone, like last night when we hired 2 DVDs and watched ‘Burlesque’ then ‘Silence of the Lambs’, all crammed onto various sofas and chairs around the TV in the living room. I love the community we’ve created; the mismatch of people from different backgrounds and countries who’ve come together in this house and spend 20 minutes learning from Katie how to dance the zumba version of ‘burlesque’ on the patio at night, inspired by the film, then go inside and scream about the fat cockroach in the middle bathroom…







Things are a little more difficult at Bap (orphanage I’m volunteering at) – the baby house has decreased in size so massively that I don’t really feel useful some of the time (although I adore the babies and have fallen in love with them after the 3 shifts I’ve done so far) and, as a result, 2 people from my shift have switched to ‘Home of Hope’. I’ve asked a couple of times about doing the same but it doesn’t seem to be happening, so I’m accepting maybe I’m supposed to be there (Romans 8:28 and all that) and embracing that. And with children so loving and beautiful, it’s not difficult to do…




I’m keeping up to date with everyone at home okay (although Skype’s playing up a lot, it’s so nice to hear Josh’s/Maddy’s/my parents’ voices), mostly via facebook and email. Have written some letters but I still need to find international stamps, and there’s no sign of the things people have sent me so far… Homesickness has only just begun to set in a little bit – but I’m dealing with it fine and loving my wall of pictures of the people I love from home. I also skyped IMPACT! on Sunday night which was really nice…they interviewed me and everyone waved etc – good idea from John Harper there!



Foodwise, I’m still doing well. As is to be expected, there have been a few difficult moments – with the totally new environment and the stress of all the change, I’ve been extra careful to keep an eye on my eating. I’ve actually put on weight since I’ve been here I think – the first week in particular I just ate what I wanted (including mcdonalds, burgers at restaurants, chocolate etc) and didn’t really worry at all about the consequences. There are scales everywhere in the house (for weighing luggage as people come and go) but I’ve not weighed myself still – and don’t intend to. A couple of people know about my ED and have been really supportive, but mostly I’m just enjoying being normal… Sasha, Sharon and I have been getting cheeky Chinese takeaways (we keep trying to be healthy then giving up)…which is really good because I can find myself being ‘too healthy’ (verging on restricting) with the social support for dieting… But overall, all is well. I’m looking forward to toast with peanut butter and banana for breakfast soon (lazy day so far).



I’m going to go and get my breakfast now, but will try to update more regularly!
Lots of love from South Africa! xxxx

Moving forward

I've, again, been ridiculously busy over the last few weeks! - catching up with people, holidays, preparing for South Africa (which is fast approaching)...

Things got worse after my last post - on Friday 12th August, my Grandma died in the hospice. I then decided it was a good idea to go to the pub as normal on the friday night and (this was the bad part of the idea...) drink more than normal as a way of escaping, that I knew from the outset wouldn't work but felt that I needed to do. It ended horrendously - with me sobbing over everyone and feeling totally and utterly in despair and too scared to go home because I didn't want to wake up and find that nothing had changed. It was a definite low point, probably the worst night of my life because that feeling of everything crumbling came into consciousness!
But the good thing about the lowest point is that things can only get better from there, and they definitely have!



On results day, I opened my 3As and an A* with happiness but also fear at the decision it means I have to make...I have my place at Brighton-Sussex med school now... Scary times! But results night was a really lovely party with some good friends...lots of fun :)


Momentum was good, but quite hard for various reasons (especially after feeling so broken so soon before). I had some amazing experiences of God while there and learned a lot from the seminars and teaching...





Since I got back, I had Grandma's funeral (which was a lovely service and made me very proud to have known such a Godly and beautifully amazing woman) and also catching up with friends before we all leave for uni/gap years...





Things have also got a lot better because, as of last Thursday (1st September), I'm going out with Josh - an amazing guy who I've known for a few years but has always been a bit 'unreachable'...I'm so happy and it's only early days, but I'm seeing what happens and enjoying the gift of such a great relationship.



So things have been mixed, but through it all God has shown His goodness, and I'm excited to see what He'll be doing next :)

Faithful?

I've been avoiding blogging because, although I've been having some amazing times over the summer so far (MCYC camp, New Wine, WASC, general spending time with friends etc...), things have been really hard.

(some pictures from Seniors 1 2011)




Although I'm actually doing really well with food at the moment, and had an amazing healing experience at camp which meant I'm no longer numb and can feel my emotions again, lots of things are crumbling at the moment. I don't want to post a 'depressing blog post', and I'm generally a very positive person...but I think it's important to recognise that sometimes it's okay (necessary in fact) to be realistic about difficult situations...

(me in my Gems uniform at New Wine)

Without going into too much detail on a public blog, my Grandma is now in the hospice and likely to only have days left; other family members (including my mum, who was in hospital after reacting badly to her chemo) are seriously ill; I feel like I have no idea where my life is going; my heart pretty much got broken at camp by a really close guy friend who screwed me over for a girl he barely knows etc etc....
It really just seems like my whole life's crumbling apart...I know that's being overdramatic but it feels that way at the moment and it's only healthy to acknowledge that...

The most important thing at the moment is that I deal with all of this by clinging to God - the solid, loving, unfailing foundation that He is - and no other unhealthy coping mechanisms...this was what I kept remembering last night on a 'getting over Matt' night out - alcohol is not going to make me feel better! Which is why I'm glad Maddy and I were home by 1:30am and eating hash browns in her front room...



The song getting me through at the minute is 'Faithful' by Chris Tomlin...the bridge is pretty amazing <3

You are there in every season of my soul
You are there, You're the anchor that will hold
You are there, in the valley of the shadows
You are faithful, God

I'm alive!

Exams are over! And we’re rolling into summer, more quickly than ever. The seasons of life are coming and going, day by day almost – foodwise I’m doing well, but some days are much, much harder than others! Still, as ever, God’s totally coming through for me. My relationship with God is deepening all the time, especially as I’ve reached the stage of recovery where the numbness has gone and I can worship properly again. I bought Tim Hughes’s most recent album (Love Shine Through) with my birthday itunes vouchers and the song ‘Love Shine Through’ has this line: “In my darkest hour, I am weak but You are strong”. It’s so true for recovery – God’s shown Himself so much in this time, and demonstrated His love and strength (even by just making me feel especially hungry when I’m having a hard day).





Exams went mainly well – chemistry was awful (seems to be a pattern with A-Level chemistry exams…) and I ran out of time on it, but everyone said it was really bad so hopefully the grade boundaries will be low. I find out results on 18th August – anything but AAA or above and medicine is out of the picture, but I’m relaxed about it – I know what’s meant to happen will happen (Jeremiah 29:11)

My birthday was lovely – spent the morning at WASC, then Hayley came over to bring my amazing memory book, then to Walton gardens and Maddy’s to get my hair and make-up done, then 101 with Sophie for cocktails, then Abbie’s party and out in town….a busy but amazing day!




(Maddy's cousin Grace got us all "slutdropping" for the night - when someone shouts 'BOOM!', we had to drop to the floor...good fun!)


I’ve had a really nice couple of weeks since exams finished – had fun catching up with friends and doing worship etc at home...





I also camped in Abersoch for a few nights which was great! The weather was absolutely perfect and the only negative aspect was my horrendous sunburn! I still really enjoyed the holiday though, and we’re going to try to go back to the same campsite later on in the Summer because it was lovely and only 7 pounds per night!


And this picture from Abersoch makes me so happy...it sums up a lot!


The title of this post has two meanings - yes, that I'm still alive because I hadn't posted for so long....but also that I'm living again, letting go of the things that are holding me back and moving forward. I'm truly enjoying myself again, and it's amazing. Walking day tomorrow and the church band is playing on the back of a lorry, then impact on sunday....happy days :)