Recovering from an eating disorder is like running up a sand dune: the
moment you stop, you begin to slip backwards. And you know that you should
want to be at the top because the tide's coming in - the top of the
sand dune, despite the fact that you can't see over the crest, represents
safety and future - it's where your family and your friends are and
they're calling down to you to keep running upwards...
...but you're so tired. The sand keeps shifting and it seems like the easiest thing to sit down and just let yourself slide. And when you look down at the beach, it looks so appealing. Despite the danger, it's so tempting and it seems beautiful. Maybe if you just slide down onto the beach, you can get a better run up? Maybe if you're in enough danger the coastguards will come and rescue you?...because you don't think you can get up the sand dune on your own....
(So when I thought of this, I didn't even consider 'Footprints in the Sand'.
No coincidence, in my opinion...because God is good.
Wow, things have changed a lot since my last post!
I've properly decided on my church here - I'm going to St Peter's, which
is the HTB plant...initially I felt really guilty about doing the
standard 'going to an amazing megachurch' thing, but I felt so drawn to
it and actually I've realized it's not like that at all. It's not too
big, very loving and the vision it has for serving the community is so
good - and, although the worship and teaching is outstanding, I don't
feel like I'm just 'taking in' as opposed to serving as well. On a
Sunday morning I've started working with the 0-1 year olds - the service
starts with kids' songs and then the parents drop their children at
their various groups so they can enjoy the service without worrying:it's quite busy given that most of the babies are 6 months or younger!
They're ridiculously cute though, and I'm getting reused to the
attractiveness of baby sick and changing nappies!
Then on Sunday
evenings we have the student service - it's great and I love the
worship! It's so nice to be regularly worshipping without the pressure
of leading and I find it's really easy for me to connect with God there.
I've also made some amazing friends at church and I'm already really
close to one girl in particular. Oh, we also have team nights on a
Tuesday evening which are pretty much small groups for students...still
getting used to being in the small groups as opposed to leading them
(and I'm still working on being brave enough to add to the discussion
much!) but it's great for fellowship and we have worship and prayer
times as well.
I'm actually feeling really close to God at the moment - I got a book from a second hand stall this weekend and I'm starting the day using it as a prayer tool and to focus me which is amazing so far..
In terms of uni, things are still going generally well. It's quite up and down - some days I sit in lectures thinking 'oh my goodness, why am I here? I don't have a clue what this lecturer's even talking about!'
but then other days I feel really engaged and surprisingly capable...I
think that's probably what it's like for everyone so I'm not too
worried! I had an interesting dissection session on Friday - I was much
more comfortable with the whole thing than the first session, and
managed to improve my perspective with the fact that I was cutting into
somebody (the first time I was so scared of doing it wrong and damaging
the cadaver that I didn't want to try and just watched for a lot of it).
It actually made me feel so close to God - we opened up the thoracic
cage and looked at all the intercostal muscles and tissues/blood vessels
and it was quite hard to imagine how anyone who was seeing all of that
could believe that it had all just been created through accidental
evolution! I have to admit though that remembering the noise cutting
through a rib made still makes me shudder: don't think I'll be heading
for orthopaedic surgery anytime soon...
I'm quite overwhelmed by work at
the moment in terms of keeping on top of lecture notes and essays etc
but I'm managing to maintain an A in everything we've had marked so far
which is a good sign. Last night was horrible though - I got really panicky and had to go for a walk to calm down - but the fact that I was able to know when to stop trying to work and to take time out is a positive sign in itself...
Socially, I'm managing to get the balance with
flatmates/coursemates/church friends as far as I can tell - so many
lovely people here and I'm enjoying getting to know them all. I'm going
to Medical CU on Monday evenings which is like a Bible study where we
can connect with other Christian medics (and get tips from those who are
further on in the course!), and girls' football on Friday nights, so
I've met lots of new people through those as well.
It was also so
amazing to have Maddy and Shereen staying this weekend - I took them on a
tour of Brighton and to a restaurant I discovered and love (an organic
buffet place with lots of delicious vegetables and different salads/meat
dishes) and we had nice chilled-out nights in catching up etc. They
came to church with me on Sunday morning and absolutely loved it so it
made me even more certain of my choice!
In terms of food, things have been a bit
mixed lately, but I'm trying to be sensible with it all. I managed to
dodge getting my weight and height measured when I registered with the
GP here as well, although it was very tempting to 'have to find out' (I
just estimated on the form and ticked a box saying it was totally recent
and accurate, which was a bit of a white lie but the right decision I
think :p). I'm also very blessed in that both of the other girls in my
flat eat very substantial meals and happily snack on things like ice
cream and pizza - I know I'd find it a lot harder if I felt like I was
eating more than other people (although I am trying not to compare
things like that) so I'm so thankful for their relaxed attitude to food.
Joanna, who I've got really close to at church, also now knows that I
have some issues with food and things (not really details, but we're
comfortable enough with each other to be honest about struggles which is
good!) which is a big step in terms of some accountability and support
etc. It's so nice having a bit of back up at church when I want to turn
down food I'm not comfortable with because St Peter's is super keen on
morning service pastries and evening service pizza and chocolate...and
it's a win/win situation for the two of us because Jo is more than happy
to eat what I don't want! So it's been quite hard over the past few
weeks but it's amazing to see how blessed I am by the people around me
even in the way they model a healthier attitude to eating. I just need to stay motivated and try not to restrict because I find it so tempting when I'm so in control of my meals!
This weekend has been mixed,but good! On Friday night, we went out as a flat and it was SO much fun –
we really got to know each other better and had lots of fun.
Today was fairly disastrous in some ways – I went to a
church where I didn’t really feel I fitted in (CCK – it was a great church, but
just not right for me) this morning, then got hopelessly lost afterwards and
ended up wandering in the freezing cold rain looking for a bus…so arrived home
cold, wet and not feeling well. I had a (pretty restrictive) lunch, then purged
a while later and spent way too long indulging my negative thought patterns.
However, I really enjoyed the evening service at St Peters*
and it was lovely to feel more at home there…the worship was amazing and the
teaching was also so valuable. However, I knew we were having pizza as students
after the service so anxiety surrounding that meant I wasn’t fully present in a
lot of the service – which made me so frustrated with myself and caused a bit
of a vicious cycle.
When I got home though was when my day was really made – my
flatmates are all atheists and pretty cynical about my faith (not in a horrible
way – they’re just not particularly open to it), but we were chatting this
evening and somehow got onto the topic of worship…and I played them some Soul
Survivor and Hillsong to show them how my worship music actually is. They were
SO surprised and thought it was amazing – their faces when I put on ‘we are the
free’ were priceless. Honestly, I feel like it made a big impression on them. They even said they’d like to come to church
with me sometime!
God is so good. He’s powerful; and works through our bad
days and messy moments to find ways for us to reach other people with His love.
I’m so humbled by each different way He uses me and works in my life.
* The whole ‘student group’ thing at churches here makes me
a bit uncomfortable to be honest… It might just be because there is such a huge
student population in Brighton, and because I’m not used to being in a city like
that, but the way things work here seems to be that students go to the evening
services and families go to the morning- when I’ve been to churches in the morning I’ve felt very much
shepherded towards the evening….
I don’t know if I’m just being all idealistic, but my view
of what church is, is people of all ages, in all walks of life coming together
in worship to our one God. I get that different groups of people will be suited
to different times but segregating off the students from the families etc feels
a bit wrong for me…I’m still working
out what I think – but church here is awesome!
So far, I really like uni! It’s obviously not without its
challenges, but the change is all exciting and there are so many genuinely nice
people I’ve been able to get to know, and great new experiences to have.
Fresher’s Week is actually a lot of fun when I drink as much as I want to and
balance the medic events with seeing my flatmates…also the bars and clubs in
Brighton are in such a beautiful position – right on the beach front.
I went to a church on Sunday called St Peters Brighton (the
HTB plant). I was quite proud to make it because I hadn’t even found my
bearings on campus at that point – let alone in Brighton itself, but I asked in
the CU facebook group and found the right bus and stop to get off at. It was
really great there – lively worship and so many lovely people…I even went for
(free!) lunch afterwards with some of the students and have been keeping in
touch with two who I got on really well with. I’m even going for coffee with
one of them on Friday which will be really nice…
Eatings’s been going really well! I’ve been keeping quite
safe with healthy choices but making sure I eat at fairly set times and have bought
snacks I’m happy with if I get hungry between meals… I’m really enjoying the fact that no one here
has any reason to take any interest in what I eat. I know that could be a bad
thing in terms of accountability, but it takes away a lot of pressure – like if
a flatmate offers me a chocolate, I can know they’re just sharing as opposed to
worrying whether or not it’s a test of my response…and that means I can make a
decision based on what I actually want as opposed to feeling manipulated by
what I perceive as being their judgements. So it’s actually working as a really
freeing situation at the moment and I intend to keep it that way!
Being here has been especially triggering at times in terms
of making me want to lose weight – there are so many (generally tall/super
slim) people to compare myself to, and everything’s knocked off balance, so I’m
struggling in terms of thoughts, but trying to stay logical and working hard at
not letting any of it translate into behaviour patterns. When I’ve had a
thought about needing to lose weight/having eaten too much/negative body stuff
etc, I’ve just been mentally saying ‘well I’m going to feel like this/have
these thoughts, but actually X/Y/Z prove that I’m not being logical’. It sounds
a bit crazy but it’s working for me at the moment so I’m going with it!
I’ve wanted to be sick quite a lot too (post mealtimes is a
challenge without the ‘excuse’ of accountability for having eaten), but the
whole ‘healthy September’ thing is working pretty well so I’ve been able to
convince myself not to ‘mess up’ my ‘good month’ by allowing myself to do it.
It’s rewarding being able to channel the same determination in terms of being
competitive with myself that made me so desperate to keep losing weight into
something productive and positive…
Today was the BSMS Fresher’s Fair so I ordered my
stethoscope (in ‘Caribbean blue’ which was a nice shade of turquoise!) and
bought some (seriously hefty!)textbooks,
as well as signing up for societies (women’s football, yay!). I got all excited
about getting properly into studying again - really can’t wait to dive into
lectures and exercise those parts of my brain again…and of course use all my
pretty-coloured highlighters to colour-code notes!
I'm really loving my guitar at the moment - I'm playing it so much and finding it very healing and fun...God is so amazing!
I'm in Spain at the moment, on holiday with my parents as a chance to relax and spend a bit of time with them before I go to uni. it's lovely to actually see them, but also a HUGE challenge. This is the first time I've been away with my parents since before my eating disorder began...and I'm so unused to having my food so totally in their control...
There are also none of my safe foods or brands around; we're eating pretty much all of our meals out (only one meal in the past 3 days has been at home); I don't know any of the restaurants and all the menus are in Spanish so I never really know what I'm ordering anyway. It's quite scary - and I am struggling. I'll be honest and say it's very, very hard. My anxiety is high a lot of the time and I'm stretched to the limit on appearing okay with everything.
But...God is so present in this holiday. Every time I reach that point at which I honestly don't think I can cope, He blesses me. He brings me encouragement in different way...a cute facebook message from a friend; an unexpected half hour to myself to just chill and read; a breakfast cafe that does fruit and yoghurt! (okay, it was far from my 'safe yoghurt' - so thick I could barely spoon it out, but it was still a blessing and very yummy...)
I also just discovered and downloaded an amazing new worship album by Christy Nockels. And I'm currently on the terrace, listening to 'Already All I Need' on repeat and getting a bit teary eyed...because it's so true, and it's so appropriate. Already All I Need 'Asking where You are, Lord. Wondering where You’ve been. Is like
standing in a hurricane, trying to find the wind. And hoping for Your
mercy to meet me where I am. Is forgetting that Your thoughts for me,
outnumber the sand. You filled the sun with morning light. You bid the
moon to lead the night. You clothe the lilies bright and beautiful.
You’re already all I need. Already everything that I could hope for.
You’re already all I need. You’ve already set me free. Already making
me. More like You. You’re already all I need. Jesus, You’re already all I
need. Walking through this life without Your freedom in my heart. Is
like holding onto shackles that You have torn apart. So remind me of
Your promises. And all that You have done. In this world I will have
trouble. But You have overcome. And every gift that I receive. You
determine just for me. But nothing I desire compares with You. In Your
fullness. You’re my all in all. In Your healing. I’m forever made whole.
In Your freedom. Your love overflows. And carries me. You carry me'
For the rest of this holiday, I will walk in the truth of this song. I'll cling to God in every moment of fear and panic and painful stretching of my abilities to overcome and cope, because He is already all I need.
I thought last year's Summer was crazy. Well, crazy busy took on a new definition this Summer!
I've had an amazing few weeks though. Each holiday deserves its own post, but I know I'll never get around to that so I'll try to summarise a bit now: started off with camping in Devon with Maddy and her family - surfing lots.
Then to MCYC Inters 2, where I was stretched in new ways. I had an amazing group of girls (go the White Knights!) who were such a blessing...they were clingy and loving, and I was so honoured to be able to do my best to teach them more about the God who made them and adores every inch of them.
Highlights were definitely bribing my girls to be quiet at night by singing/playing each room in turn Brooke Fraser songs, and just seeing all of the campers worship. I've never met a group of kids who were so keen to sing - honestly. They were amazing...I'll never forget the way they filled up that rec room with enthusiastic 'oo-oo-oo-oo-ooo' between each verse of 'You're Beautiful'. Wow.
Soul Survivor was next, bringing new challenges and many more blessings. It was definitely hard work - especially still fighting the exhaustion of literally no recuperation time between that and MCYC. Being pastorally responsible for a group at such an emotive and challenging event was draining, but it was also brilliant to be able to see how God was working in the young people. The worship party on the last night was SO much fun as well...I don't think I've ever danced so much in my life, but being surrounded by our young people jumping up and down with enthusiasm for God was a definite energy boost...good times!
One of our young people made a video of our time at Soul which sums things up pretty well!
Next was momentum...Maddy and I stayed on for the weekend after Soul to go to the first half of momentum which was fun as well. We were sooo tired and drained and just a bit stressed out by then, so I don't think we fully appreciated the opportunities we had to learn and grow, but it was good to get the chance to worship in our own space.
I also was so moved by the most amazing talk that Danielle Strickland did on overcoming fear. It was so relevant to me, and I know the notes I took and the insight I gained from it will continue to have an impact on me as I develop and grow.
She focused a lot on 2 Timothy 1:7 "
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline."
Something I found really valuable as well was her point that overcoming cannot just be mind over matter. It has to be a revelation of who God is in our spirit - how truly incredible He is; how much He truly loves us. So true. <3 span="span">
Next up was Day Camp: working at HCBC to run a camp for 6-12 year olds, 8am-6pm each day. We got back from Momentum at 2am on Monday morning, and had to be at Day Camp for 8am so the exhaustion continued...it was a brilliant week though. The kids were a lot younger than the age we generally work with but I loved interacting with the younger ones and found the week so rewarding.
The staff times (morning and evening) were fuelling which was really good. We had worship, a challenging message each morning and prayer times - including prayer circles when we prayed for the people on our left and right, then massage chains as well!
Thursday night of Day Camp was also our leaving party - 5 of us (we 3 interns plus Shereen and Jon) were leaving the youth work, so we had a surprise BBQ and water fight/slide-fest before heading into the main hall, where we were given cards. We also each had a person who did a short talk on us and our gifts/futures etc...Amy did mine and was so lovely. Then we all formed a circle and got prayed for by our friends and young people. Amazing. The family feeling here is just unbelievable - even now, thinking about it makes me well up. How can I be this blessed?!
This post has become epic, and I need to do some tidying and sorting tonight. But wow, what a Summer. It's been very hard at times and exhausting, but I honestly am so, so thankful for the opportunities I've had and the people I've been able to share it with.
there have been lots of endings lately....nights at the beach with our 'Sunday night small groups' youth; last team meeting
but there have also been new beginnings! Meeting Matty's family for the first time last week, when we drove to Stockton-on-Tees to spend time with the people he knows and loves from back home. It was quite a nerve-racking experience but went really well, and we had a lovely day. Also, I've been preparing for uni; getting back into running and enjoying weather that suggests that Summer might actually be on its way!
The combination of endings and beginnings everywhere is leaving me a little uncertain and confused over whether or not I like changes like this...I'm not sure I like endings but new beginnings and all their potential excite me so much.
I get a little bit impatient - wanting to cling to everything of my present and take every last drip of opportunity in the parts of my life I love so much now; but at the same time feeling the need to dive headfirst into the future. But I actually love that combination....it's frustrating at times but just shows me how blessed I really am!
Things aren't always easy, but I am blessed. There's no doubt about that...
