humbled again...

This weekend has been mixed,  but good! On Friday night, we went out as a flat and it was SO much fun – we really got to know each other better and had lots of fun.

 Today was fairly disastrous in some ways – I went to a church where I didn’t really feel I fitted in (CCK – it was a great church, but just not right for me) this morning, then got hopelessly lost afterwards and ended up wandering in the freezing cold rain looking for a bus…so arrived home cold, wet and not feeling well. I had a (pretty restrictive) lunch, then purged a while later and spent way too long indulging my negative thought patterns.

However, I really enjoyed the evening service at St Peters* and it was lovely to feel more at home there…the worship was amazing and the teaching was also so valuable. However, I knew we were having pizza as students after the service so anxiety surrounding that meant I wasn’t fully present in a lot of the service – which made me so frustrated with myself and caused a bit of a vicious cycle.

When I got home though was when my day was really made – my flatmates are all atheists and pretty cynical about my faith (not in a horrible way – they’re just not particularly open to it), but we were chatting this evening and somehow got onto the topic of worship…and I played them some Soul Survivor and Hillsong to show them how my worship music actually is. They were SO surprised and thought it was amazing – their faces when I put on ‘we are the free’ were priceless. Honestly, I feel like it made a big impression on them.  They even said they’d like to come to church with me sometime!

God is so good. He’s powerful; and works through our bad days and messy moments to find ways for us to reach other people with His love. I’m so humbled by each different way He uses me and works in my life. 

* The whole ‘student group’ thing at churches here makes me a bit uncomfortable to be honest… It might just be because there is such a huge student population in Brighton, and because I’m not used to being in a city like that, but the way things work here seems to be that students go to the evening services and families go to the morning  - when I’ve been to churches in the morning I’ve felt very much shepherded towards the evening….

I don’t know if I’m just being all idealistic, but my view of what church is, is people of all ages, in all walks of life coming together in worship to our one God. I get that different groups of people will be suited to different times but segregating off the students from the families etc feels a bit wrong for me…  I’m still working out what I think – but church here is awesome!

Fresh into uni!

 

So far, I really like uni! It’s obviously not without its challenges, but the change is all exciting and there are so many genuinely nice people I’ve been able to get to know, and great new experiences to have. Fresher’s Week is actually a lot of fun when I drink as much as I want to and balance the medic events with seeing my flatmates…also the bars and clubs in Brighton are in such a beautiful position – right on the beach front. 

I went to a church on Sunday called St Peters Brighton (the HTB plant). I was quite proud to make it because I hadn’t even found my bearings on campus at that point – let alone in Brighton itself, but I asked in the CU facebook group and found the right bus and stop to get off at. It was really great there – lively worship and so many lovely people…I even went for (free!) lunch afterwards with some of the students and have been keeping in touch with two who I got on really well with. I’m even going for coffee with one of them on Friday which will be really nice…

Eatings’s been going really well! I’ve been keeping quite safe with healthy choices but making sure I eat at fairly set times and have bought snacks I’m happy with if I get hungry between meals…  I’m really enjoying the fact that no one here has any reason to take any interest in what I eat. I know that could be a bad thing in terms of accountability, but it takes away a lot of pressure – like if a flatmate offers me a chocolate, I can know they’re just sharing as opposed to worrying whether or not it’s a test of my response…and that means I can make a decision based on what I actually want as opposed to feeling manipulated by what I perceive as being their judgements. So it’s actually working as a really freeing situation at the moment and I intend to keep it that way!

Being here has been especially triggering at times in terms of making me want to lose weight – there are so many (generally tall/super slim) people to compare myself to, and everything’s knocked off balance, so I’m struggling in terms of thoughts, but trying to stay logical and working hard at not letting any of it translate into behaviour patterns. When I’ve had a thought about needing to lose weight/having eaten too much/negative body stuff etc, I’ve just been mentally saying ‘well I’m going to feel like this/have these thoughts, but actually X/Y/Z prove that I’m not being logical’. It sounds a bit crazy but it’s working for me at the moment so I’m going with it!

I’ve wanted to be sick quite a lot too (post mealtimes is a challenge without the ‘excuse’ of accountability for having eaten), but the whole ‘healthy September’ thing is working pretty well so I’ve been able to convince myself not to ‘mess up’ my ‘good month’ by allowing myself to do it. It’s rewarding being able to channel the same determination in terms of being competitive with myself that made me so desperate to keep losing weight into something productive and positive…

 

Today was the BSMS Fresher’s Fair so I ordered my stethoscope (in ‘Caribbean blue’ which was a nice shade of turquoise!) and bought some (seriously hefty!)  textbooks, as well as signing up for societies (women’s football, yay!). I got all excited about getting properly into studying again - really can’t wait to dive into lectures and exercise those parts of my brain again…and of course use all my pretty-coloured highlighters to colour-code notes! 

 I'm really loving my guitar at the moment - I'm playing it so much and finding it very healing and fun...God is so amazing!

Already all I need

I'm in Spain at the moment, on holiday with my parents as a chance to relax and spend a bit of time with them before I go to uni. it's lovely to actually see them, but also a HUGE challenge. This is the first time I've been away with my parents since before my eating disorder began...and I'm so unused to having my food so totally in their control...

There are also none of my safe foods or brands around; we're eating pretty much all of our meals out (only one meal in the past 3 days has been at home); I don't know any of the restaurants and all the menus are in Spanish so I never really know what I'm ordering anyway. It's quite scary - and I am struggling. I'll be honest and say it's very, very hard. My anxiety is high a lot of the time and I'm stretched to the limit on appearing okay with everything.

But...God is so present in this holiday. Every time I reach that point at which I honestly don't think I can cope, He blesses me. He brings me encouragement in different way...a cute facebook message from a friend; an unexpected half hour to myself to just chill and read; a breakfast cafe that does fruit and yoghurt! (okay, it was far from my 'safe yoghurt' - so thick I could barely spoon it out, but it was still a blessing and very yummy...)

I also just discovered and downloaded an amazing new worship album by Christy Nockels. And I'm currently on the terrace, listening to 'Already All I Need' on repeat and getting a bit teary eyed...because it's so true, and it's so appropriate.

Already All I Need
'Asking where You are, Lord. Wondering where You’ve been. Is like standing in a hurricane, trying to find the wind. And hoping for Your mercy to meet me where I am. Is forgetting that Your thoughts for me, outnumber the sand. You filled the sun with morning light. You bid the moon to lead the night. You clothe the lilies bright and beautiful. You’re already all I need. Already everything that I could hope for. You’re already all I need. You’ve already set me free. Already making me. More like You. You’re already all I need. Jesus, You’re already all I need. Walking through this life without Your freedom in my heart. Is like holding onto shackles that You have torn apart. So remind me of Your promises. And all that You have done. In this world I will have trouble. But You have overcome. And every gift that I receive. You determine just for me. But nothing I desire compares with You. In Your fullness. You’re my all in all. In Your healing. I’m forever made whole. In Your freedom. Your love overflows. And carries me. You carry me'

For the rest of this holiday, I will walk in the truth of this song. I'll cling to God in every moment of fear and panic and painful stretching of my abilities to overcome and cope, because He is already all I need.

a mad Summer....

I thought last year's Summer was crazy. Well, crazy busy took on a new definition this Summer!
I've had an amazing few weeks though. Each holiday deserves its own post, but I know I'll never get around to that so I'll try to summarise a bit now: started off with camping in Devon with Maddy and her family - surfing lots.
 
 

Then to MCYC Inters 2, where I was stretched in new ways. I had an amazing group of girls (go the White Knights!) who were such a blessing...they were clingy and loving, and I was so honoured to be able to do my best to teach them more about the God who made them and adores every inch of them.




Highlights were definitely bribing my girls to be quiet at night by singing/playing each room in turn Brooke Fraser songs, and just seeing all of the campers worship. I've never met a group of kids who were so keen to sing - honestly. They were amazing...I'll never forget the way they filled up that rec room with enthusiastic 'oo-oo-oo-oo-ooo' between each verse of 'You're Beautiful'. Wow.


Soul Survivor was next, bringing new challenges and many more blessings. It was definitely hard work - especially still fighting the exhaustion of literally no recuperation time between that and MCYC. Being pastorally responsible for a group at such an emotive and challenging event was draining, but it was also brilliant to be able to see how God was working in the young people. The worship party on the last night was SO much fun as well...I don't think I've ever danced so much in my life, but being surrounded by our young people jumping up and down with enthusiasm for God was a definite energy boost...good times!



One of our young people made a video of our time at Soul which sums things up pretty well!

 

Next was momentum...Maddy and I stayed on for the weekend after Soul to go to the first half of momentum which was fun as well.  We were sooo tired and drained and just a bit stressed out by then, so I don't think we fully appreciated the opportunities we had to learn and grow, but it was good to get the chance to worship in our own space.

I also was so moved by the most amazing talk that Danielle Strickland did on overcoming fear. It was so relevant to me, and I know the notes I took and the insight I gained from it will continue to have an impact on me as I develop and grow. 

She focused a lot on 2 Timothy 1:7 " For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." 

Something I found really valuable as well was her point that overcoming cannot just be mind over matter. It has to be a revelation of who God is in our spirit - how truly incredible He is; how much He truly loves us.  So true. <3 span="span">

Next up was Day Camp: working at HCBC to run a camp for 6-12 year olds, 8am-6pm each day. We got back from Momentum at 2am on Monday morning, and had to be at Day Camp for 8am so the exhaustion continued...it was a brilliant week though. The kids were a lot younger than the age we generally work with but I loved interacting with the younger ones and found the week so rewarding.
The staff times (morning and evening) were fuelling which was really good. We had worship, a challenging message each morning and prayer times - including prayer circles when we prayed for the people on our left and right, then massage chains as well!

Thursday night of Day Camp was also our leaving party - 5 of us (we 3 interns plus Shereen and Jon) were leaving the youth work, so we had a surprise BBQ and water fight/slide-fest before heading into the main hall, where we were given cards. We also each had a person who did a short talk on us and our gifts/futures etc...Amy did mine and was so lovely. Then we all formed a circle and got prayed for by our friends and young people. Amazing. The family feeling here is just unbelievable - even now, thinking about it makes me well up. How can I be this blessed?!

This post has become epic, and I need to do some tidying and sorting tonight. But wow, what a Summer. It's been very hard at times and exhausting, but I honestly am so, so thankful for the opportunities I've had and the people I've been able to share it with.

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endings vs. beginnnings

there have been lots of endings lately....nights at the beach with our 'Sunday night small groups' youth; last team meeting

but there have also been new beginnings! Meeting Matty's family for the first time last week, when we drove to Stockton-on-Tees to spend time with the people he knows and loves from back home. It was quite a nerve-racking experience but went really well, and we had a lovely day. Also, I've been preparing for uni; getting back into running and enjoying weather that suggests that Summer might actually be on its way!

The combination of endings and beginnings everywhere is leaving me a little uncertain and confused over whether or not I like changes like this...I'm not sure I like endings but new beginnings and all their potential excite me so much.

I get a little bit impatient - wanting to cling to everything of my present and take every last drip of opportunity in the parts of my life I love so much now; but at the same time feeling the need to dive headfirst into the future. But I actually love that combination....it's frustrating at times but just shows me how blessed I really am!

Things aren't always easy, but I am blessed. There's no doubt about that...

living to make Your name high

I just got back from a lovely holiday in Abersoch - Maddy and I went for a (much needed!) break and had a really nice time, despite the lack of surf meaning we didn't actually get to surf at all because there were never enough waves! 

 We decorated our tent with fairy lights and had access to the house that John and his family were staying in for showers/a kettle etc..it was the best of both worlds really!

Our mad-busy IMPACT! weekend also went really well! The worship on the walking day float was so much fun - it was amazing to be able to publicly declare our faith, as a band made up of ages 15-19, and sing the modern worship songs that we feel connect us to God. 'Your Name High' was our favourite - Ducky was SO amazing at it on drums that it was such a joy to play so we slotted it in as much as possible on our journey!

I managed to achieve my goals this weekend too, which I'm quite proud of myself for. It wasn't easy at all but having such clear goals and allowing no negotiation with myself meant that I could focus on the things that were really important.

However, I'm really struggling at the moment, having done so well in Abersoch (ate fish and chips/an ice cream as well as my normal healthy breakfasts and salads/sandwiches etc), because I know I've put weight on over the past couple of weeks and it feels unsafe and like things are a bit out of control.
It's so frustrating because I seem incapable of making actual progress sometimes. Since I seriously started tackling recovery since my relapse, there seems to be a bit of a pattern I follow:

1. struggle and lose weight again
2. fight really hard to pull everything back on track; tackle fears and challenge myself with food
3. put on a bit of weight (in the words of my best friend 'look better')
4. panic and want to go back to restricting
5. back to step 1

it's so hard because, looking at it like that, it seems that the issue is my motivation for recovery. and that's so not true! I want recovery so much, because to me it means wholeness and being close to God and able to do what He's calling me to do...and there is nothing more important to me than that. Complete surrender is my ultimate goal at the moment. But I will keep offering up my life, and keep trusting in God.

Philippians 2:13 'for God is working in you, giving you the desire to obey Him and the power to do what pleases Him'

Life continues...

things have been crazy busy around IMPACT! lately...we have walking day and our July outreach IMPACT! this weekend, along with lots more mentoring etc and I'm also having to take much more responsibility with the worship at church, so I've not had much free time for blogging!

I've had lots of fun times lately though - night out with Maddy and Shereen in Manchester; our girly beach party; birthday sunsets and celebrations; a day in Yorkshire with Matty; skiing at Chill Factore with Mads and lots more happy moments where I've thought 'you know what? this life really is beautiful and worth all the stress and struggles'. And it is:

I'm still processing a lot of stuff...things with food seem to be so unpredictable at the moment. Some days I can do really well and feel okay, then others I feel like I'm back to square one. But I'm trusting God with it still. Had a good journalling session yesterday...

 

This weekend is going to be so crazy, but I know it'll be worth it.  And I have a major set of our goals for it:

•  no restricting food...at all. I'll eat what I really want to (obviously being realistic in terms of sticking to fairly healthy foods), when I'm hungry, and stop when I'm full.
• no being sick/compensating for what I eat in any way.
• relax around food; be more spontaneous...not just sticking to the exact same brands and foods.

I'm determined to be successful. Everything we're doing this weekend is to glorify God; to put Him up on a platform...there just isn't space for overthinking and wasting energy on earthly things like food. I'm also taking an upfront role a lot in terms of worship on the walking day float and at IMPACT! - I can't stand up there and glorify God publicly if I'm not doing it privately; in my own failings and struggles. His grace is sufficient to carry me through this and I need to trust Him by challenging myself.

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