I'm alive!

Exams are over! And we’re rolling into summer, more quickly than ever. The seasons of life are coming and going, day by day almost – foodwise I’m doing well, but some days are much, much harder than others! Still, as ever, God’s totally coming through for me. My relationship with God is deepening all the time, especially as I’ve reached the stage of recovery where the numbness has gone and I can worship properly again. I bought Tim Hughes’s most recent album (Love Shine Through) with my birthday itunes vouchers and the song ‘Love Shine Through’ has this line: “In my darkest hour, I am weak but You are strong”. It’s so true for recovery – God’s shown Himself so much in this time, and demonstrated His love and strength (even by just making me feel especially hungry when I’m having a hard day).





Exams went mainly well – chemistry was awful (seems to be a pattern with A-Level chemistry exams…) and I ran out of time on it, but everyone said it was really bad so hopefully the grade boundaries will be low. I find out results on 18th August – anything but AAA or above and medicine is out of the picture, but I’m relaxed about it – I know what’s meant to happen will happen (Jeremiah 29:11)

My birthday was lovely – spent the morning at WASC, then Hayley came over to bring my amazing memory book, then to Walton gardens and Maddy’s to get my hair and make-up done, then 101 with Sophie for cocktails, then Abbie’s party and out in town….a busy but amazing day!




(Maddy's cousin Grace got us all "slutdropping" for the night - when someone shouts 'BOOM!', we had to drop to the floor...good fun!)


I’ve had a really nice couple of weeks since exams finished – had fun catching up with friends and doing worship etc at home...





I also camped in Abersoch for a few nights which was great! The weather was absolutely perfect and the only negative aspect was my horrendous sunburn! I still really enjoyed the holiday though, and we’re going to try to go back to the same campsite later on in the Summer because it was lovely and only 7 pounds per night!


And this picture from Abersoch makes me so happy...it sums up a lot!


The title of this post has two meanings - yes, that I'm still alive because I hadn't posted for so long....but also that I'm living again, letting go of the things that are holding me back and moving forward. I'm truly enjoying myself again, and it's amazing. Walking day tomorrow and the church band is playing on the back of a lorry, then impact on sunday....happy days :)

Flying through May...

This last month has flown by! I'm well into study leave now, and should be revising hard but somehow lack the time and motivation most days... Although I'm again living that strange 'in limbo' time that seems to happen before exams, when you're half enjoying life and half in a cave revising, lots has been going on! I passed my driving theory test on Saturday so can book my practical now (yay!).

May's IMPACT! was another good one - we did some top songs (e.g. 'Adoration', 'Your love never fails', 'Blessed be Your Name') and it felt like God was really moving... There was this line in 'Your Love Never Fails' that gets me every time: "the chasm was far too wide - I never thought I'd reach the other side, but Your love never fails...". So amazing, and so true!




Recent weeks have seen more fun gatherings - like a celebratory end of college BBQ at Matt's, which ended in us getting tipsy and pulling him, fully-clothed, into the hot tub!:







I've had a few nice, chilled Friday nights heading to the London Bridge (local pub) with friends, watching people (basically Dec and Matt) repeatedly getting 'pennied' and enjoying the warmth of the patio heaters...





Food wise, things have been getting a lot easier. I've not had a proper panic attack since Friday 13th May...which is pretty much a record since I've been eating lots again so doing well! :D some days are still a struggle but...onwards and upwards! I found this quote: "Recover to the fullest. Don't try to do it perfectly, but do it to the best of your ability and give it your all", and that's what I'm trying to do. God is sovereign, and at the heart of EVERY situation...that knowledge helps so much :). It'll take time, but I know I can get better and get back a 'normal' eating relationship. (halloumi is a lifesaver - so easy to nibble on and doesn't fill me up too much!)




I've just got back from my Grandparents' and I have that weird 'too full of emotion' feeling I used to get all the time... It's not a sad or a happy feeling, and doesn't come particularly as a result of emotive events, but stems from a mixture of delirious tiredness and overthinking. I used to dream of lying in my back in a field at night and looking at the stars and it's that kind of feeling - a strange need for space....maybe it's time for bed!

I'll try to update sooner next time but for the next couple of weeks...off to the textbooks I go!!

Easter Holidays!

Well, the Easter Holidays are drawing to a close and, while I've done absolutely nowhere near the amount of revision I should have (I haven't actually revised for a week!), I've refueled a bit and had some good days out.
Matt McGee's 18th was as good (and eventful!) as I expected - lots of people, lots of alcohol and lots of fun :D.





On the first Tuesday of the holidays, I went to Alton Towers with Georgie and her brothers. It was a really good day and we went on all the 'big rides', including Rita which I'd always been too scared to go on before...it was amazing. My favourite is definitely still Air - it really does feel like you're flying! I was thinking while on it how alive it made me feel, and then that rollercoasters should be used in eating disorder treatment - they're so good at connecting you back with sensations and your body....there's a market out there somewhere...


Another highlight was my beach trip with Maddy - we were planning to spend the day revising...then saw the beautiful sun and realised we had the car at our disposal. It took about 10 minutes for us to realise that a road trip to Wales was a good plan! Mads drove us to Talacre beach, then we decided to carry on to Conway after chilling in Talacre for a bit and had a really good day walking around the walls, eating fish and chips and pretending to be rich kids with our Jack Wills shorts and preppy hats, while being two 17 year olds in a BIG car :D.





Mads decided her dream was to drive down this particular strip of road, overlooking the sea, while listening to 'Sweet Disposition'. We did it, and it didn't fall short of expectations.


Other good times were going to see Rob Bell, learning how to parallel park in my driving lesson (and doing it perfectly first time!), watching the Royal Wedding at Maddy's while wearing tiaras and visiting baby Anabelle. I also replied to my offers yesterday - BSMS is firm and Leicester is insurance.
A song I am so addicted to at the moment is 'Grace' by Phil Wickham - it is absolutely breathtaking :) I adore it!
'cause I need eyes to be my guide, I need a voice that's louder than mine. I need hope and I need You 'cause I can't do this alone... <3

April showers?

The time since I last posted has gone so quickly! In fact, I really can't believe how much 2011 is flying by....as of today I only have 10 days left in college...ever. I also got another offer from Leicester! 2 offers for medicne is 2 more than I expected :D.


Spring is most definitely here now - the daffodils have been blooming for a while now and we've had some glorious blue skies and fluffy white clouds to enjoy. It makes college so much more bearable when we can sit on the grass in the sun and chat at lunchtimes and on frees, and somehow the sun puts everyone in much better moods!




But it's also been quite a hard few weeks. The doctor's visit I mentioned in the last post was related to the fact I'd been still really struggling with food and everything, and having dizzy spells a lot of the time. The doctor said it was all stress-related, and recommended eating "little and often" rather than in big meals which I wouldn't be able to manage as easily, however I've started having panic attacks when I eat too much or overthink eating which complicates things...



But I know God's got it all in His hands, and everything's going to be okay. I have the most amazingly supportive friends, and as Maddy said a few days ago, "I can't wait for Summer when you're better and we can hang out and eat ice cream, drink cider and laugh about everything" :).

And I've had some fun times too: making pink pancakes at butterflies (as a belated pancake day celebration)and having a crazy disposable barbeque night with maddy and lexie, when we drank a lot of pimms out of a bowl and lay in hoodies looking at the stars with our feet warming on the campfire :D.




Tomorrow night I've got Matt's 18th and I'm so looking forward to it: it'll be a mixture of church friends, college friends and old school friends all together so will be lovely! I'm also off to Alton Towers with Georgie on Tuesday so I'm hopefully going to have a more exciting and fun-filled blog post next time! :D
<3

OFFER!

I'm still in shock I think, but yesterday I got an offer from BSMS to study Medicine in September 2012! Yesterday I went round to Maddy's before Butterflies and checked my emails....I was surprised to find I had one from UCAS saying 'something has changed on track'! Then came a tense few minutes while I loaded UCAS track to see if it was an offer or a rejection.



And there it was! I need to get either AAA or A*AB (although biology and chemistry both have to be As, annoyingly, or I could get A* in psychology and B in chemistry...). It's not really sunk in yet and I'm still not totally sure about Medicine being the right path, so I'm going to pray about it and see what happens but YAY! :D

Aside from the good news, this week's been very hard so far...tomorrow I have the doctor's and I'm so scared but will explain another time. <3

Compassion

In the early hours of Tuesday morning (8th March), I woke up with the most horrendous headache I could imagine having...I could barely even move! I went and got some ibuprofen (which made no difference) and got back into bed in agony, trying not to cry too loudly and wake up my parents. Then I decided enough was enough and went in to dad, who tried to calm me down but soon realised this wasn't just an average bad headache. So we rang NHS direct and, to cut a long story short, after trying to talk to the lady and not even being able to get the right words out, ended up being driven to A&E and throwing up with pain in the paediatrics cubicle (thankfully I got cocodamol quite quickly after) while I waited to be seen by a doctor.

They thought I had viral meningitis, so after taking some blood for testing, wheeled me on up to the paeds ward where I ended up for the rest of the morning, waiting to be seen by the consultant. I confused everyone with my symptoms - when it became clear I didn't have meningitis (my bloods came back clear) they thought it might be a migraine or severe tension headache, but it didn't fit the pattern for those either!



The consultant came with his mob of less senior doctors and prodded and poked, while I sat there feeling very shy and watched. He decided I was okay, and that we might never know what had happened unless it reoccured... So I got discharged at about half past 12.

While all this had been going on, my half-drugged up blackberry messenger updates to Maddy and Rach had managed to expand, leading to the building of group prayer messages and my being put on the church prayer chain. Wow, I've never experienced anything like it! I got so many lovely texts of support and had amazing friends praying for me and wanting to give up their days to come to visit me in hospital. College friends were equally amazing, planning to come all the way from Congleton crammed in a little Ford Ka to visit if I had still been in hospital!

(just one of lots of sweet texts I got yesterday! :) )



The safety net had descended, and I think that the realisation of how amazing the people around us are was such a beautiful thing to come out what could have been a grim situation. I went home and slept, then Maddy arrived straight from the college bus, bringing a huge care package from her, Jenna and Shannon. Soon Rach joined, bearing gifts of grapes, chocolate, a magazine and a book (aptly) titled 'The Art of Compassion'. Next was Lexie, bring more presents including olives :D and my beautiful Hayley. I wish I'd taken a picture of my girlies all sitting on my bed, showing me how much they loved, but I was too out of it still for picture-taking :D. After they left (lots of big hugs), Wayne arrived and brought some worship CDs for me to listen to while I was out of action. We chatted about worship, impact and the way God pushes us out of our comfort zones (and I had to rescue him from a spider!).


I really cannot believe how blessed I am to have such amazing friends. It sounds cheesy but I'm so, so proud to be part of a 'church' who supports each other in this way - it seems like that's the way church should be, and the younger members who forced me to stay in bed and gathered around just being themselves displayed it so beautifully and so naturally. It was pretty glorious to behold.
Romans 8:28 shines through again - out of this horrible situation has come a reiteration of how loving, generous, kind and thoughtful the people around me are :). It made me think of this verse:

John 15:13 "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."

Yesterday (and today!), that's what my friends did for me - they texted; they prayed; they visited and rallied around me; some of them (*cough* Mads :D) were filled with protective anger when the consultant discharged me a bit early - basically they supported and held me up for 48 hours. And I know that they all had other things to do - work, college work, planning, eating pancakes!, that they put aside - they acted like Jesus would have in the situation. I'm filled with gratitude, so thankful for the blessings of the people around me and the way in which God truly makes all things work together for our good.

Tomorrow is results day and I've given up weighing myself for Lent (and forgot to weigh myself the night before it started (last night) because of everything that was going on) so I would usually struggling right now but I'm not at all. Surrounded by evidence of my amazing friends' love, reading a book about music changing the lives of those in the depths of poverty and with the anthem from one of Wayne's cds "Ohh how He loves us" dancing around me, things like results and control issues with weight get put into perspective.

Blessed, blessed, blessed! Thank you, God! <3

On happiness...and quacking like a duck!

I've been crazy busy since my last post! Abersoch was indeed an amazing time - we chilled; we went crabbing; we huddled around in the living and watched daytime TV; we played crazy drinking games and ran around the house in our underwear, quacking!!




I realised how lovely my group of friends at college are, truly. With the exception of Maddy, none of them are Christians, but they accept my faith so easily, as a part of me. I had some amazing drunk conversations with Shannon and Jenna (which I remember but they don't!) which opened my eyes to what genuinely nice people they are :).



While I did drink, and yes, I got a bit drunk, I don't feel guilty about it - because I know that the things I did while drunk in the most part honoured God. I didn't really do things I now regret or deny God in any way - if anything, I was more open to Him!



I also had my BSMS interview on Saturday, and fell back in love with the medical school! It went okay I think - although it's quite hard to tell with these things! To be honest, it could go either way in terms of getting an offer or a rejection so it's something I need to just trust God in. Ultimately, if I don't get in I'll be a happy midwife (or whatever else it is God wants me to do with my life!).



Lately I've been thinking some very profound thoughts - I've learned so much about life and happiness. The last few weeks have been really hard, but I can truly see the way God prepares to catch us even as we begin to fall - it's so amazing. And it's such a cliche, but the pain I've felt recently has really strengthened me. What I've learned about happiness is, whatever the situation, it can be found! What ever is going on, there'll still be God and music, and the sunrises and sunsets lighting up the sky. And, in the words of the wonderful Jaci Velasquez, 'if the sun doesn't come back up, I know Your love will be enough' <3.